Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to be on the brink of cracking up

275 replies

shrubbery · 22/02/2016 21:16

My partner has issues, which, as you may have read, has been causing problems in our family life.
One of them is buying random drugs on the internet. A rattly package arrived today, so after he got home, opened it and went to have a bath, I checked his bag, (I've had to go to his GP before about stuff he was taking). I found the pills, but also noticed a small metal tin next to them. Inside it was a neatly folded tissue - and he never neatly folds anything. I carefully unfolded it and inside were 3 pubic hairs.
I am sitting here shaking and my palms are sweating. I think it is my flight response kicking in. I just want to run out of here in my pyjamas and never stop running.

OP posts:
LoTeQuiero · 23/02/2016 11:01

You wouldn't need to defend your opinions to police/social services. You'd simply need to outline your - very serious - concerns.

Although if his mother is unconcerned and totally on board with everything then perhaps they wouldn't take it very far. I don't know.

Just to add to everyone else - he sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant man and one that you're better off away from.

turkeylovessprout · 23/02/2016 11:05

It's also an offense to withhold information if you have any OP in this kind of situation. Sure others more know about this but I think it is now.

Original poster
shrubbery · 23/02/2016 11:18

I emailed him earlier asking for an explanation and he has finally offered me one.

He has a problem with alcohol and has recently been making some effort to cut down on his drinking.
Apparently he stored these hairs incase he wanted to have before and after analysis done at a lab.
I suppose that a reason for not using head hair would be that it tends to have products applied to it.

So, hopefully my fears of him having an obsession with his young friend are unfounded.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 23/02/2016 11:57

Shrubbery regardless of why he has the pubes, or why he washed the bedding, are you happy with him? Do you want to continue to feel the fear and helplessness you had last night? Do you want your DS to see his father's treatment of you as normal?

VoldysGoneMouldy · 23/02/2016 12:09

Op, posting various threads about what a nasty piece of work he is is not going to change him. You need to leave. I know it is scary - I've done it. But umming and ahhing about things, posting about how horrible things are... They won't improve your situation.

And maybe that sounds harsh, but like I said; I've left an abusive partner. It took me far too long.

You need to protect your son.

lizzydrippingsghost · 23/02/2016 12:50

could the boy next door be his son and the pubes for a dna test
(clutching at straws)

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 23/02/2016 12:50

I'm sorry OP, but his response is ridiculous, not a chance is he keeping public hair for analysis, who does that?! And hair products make zero impact on drug testing, we do it in the prison service. it's what's inside the hair that is tested, and hair products don't permeate the follicle.

I understand it must be a very scary time for you, but you need to stop trying to find ways to normalise and justify his behaviour and leave for your own safety and sanity Flowers

JovialNickname · 23/02/2016 12:53

I admit I haven't read the whole thread, but know exactly what this is - hes bought a sample of male pubes off the internet, from a non drug taker, to fake as his own if he is asked to do a hair follicle test to prove he takes drugs. When you do a hair follicle test they do it with pubic hair. Hence why there's only three and kept so carefully.

JovialNickname · 23/02/2016 12:56

On the dark net you can buy these with ease and it is common for drug addicts to try and get around the law this way. People sell "clean" urine samples too

figureofspeech · 23/02/2016 13:08

I don't know much about drug testing etc but if they need to take hair to do a test wouldn't they take it off you on site? Asking someone to bring a sample is risky as they can fake it just like the op's husband is doing. I'm clueless about these things.

I do think there's more to it than the explanation given and the husband is trying to minimise his behaviour.

Original poster
shrubbery · 23/02/2016 15:46

If his story is true and he was thinking of sending the hair in to a lab himself for analysis, I don't understand what he thinks he would gain from it.
It would tell him whether he is drinking a lot or not, but he would know that anyway.

OP posts:
turkeylovessprout · 23/02/2016 16:12

wow jovial, Never knew that. That might explain some stuff.

Original poster
shrubbery · 23/02/2016 16:13

I emailed him:

I don't understand what information you would be hoping to get from
analysis?
Please could you explain.

This was his response:

It's got nothing to do with you why, there no reason for you to be
interested
I learnt that labs could analyse alcohol consumption over many months from
pubic hair so I kept some in case I wanted to see one day when I stopped.

OP posts:
turkeylovessprout · 23/02/2016 16:17

I agree with whatthefreak says though. The situation is not normal. Him being away for long periods of time, you not knowing where or what he's up to, his friendship with a 17 year old - going away together. If that were my 17 year old I'd be pretty worried.

RhiWrites · 23/02/2016 16:20

For God sake. If you think he's a child abuser call the police. If you think your safety is at risk, call the police. If you want a divorce, call a divorce lawyer.

Jux · 23/02/2016 16:26

The pubes are a red herring!

I never thought I'd ever write that sentence Grin

Anyway, ignore the pubes. He is a horrid man. KOKO. You'll be alright in the end. Just stick to this path, keep WA in close contact.

AnyFucker · 23/02/2016 16:44

You make it sound so simple, Rhi Hmm

OP, my advice is to stop sending yourself into paroxysms of confusion and uncertainty over his behaviour. To analyse is fruitless. There really is one simple way to look at this: he is bad for you. For whatever reason and with whatever motivation he is bad for you

Take it from there.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 23/02/2016 16:46

OP, I mean this kindly, but why are still expecting to get some sort of explanation from him? He is lying to you, and behaving in a very disturbing manner. Any explanation from him is worthless, because he'd tell you black's white, and then call you crazy for not accepting this. His behaviour speaks for itself - gawd knows what he's up to with pubes, drugs, bedding, 17yr old boys from next door... but it's not anything good is it? It's certainly nothing good for your relationship or your son.

Whatever his response had been, I would never, ever be happy with my DH spending huge amounts of time with, and going away with the 17 yr old from next door, nor ordering prescription drugs from the internet and lord knows what ever else he's been up to. It's just not right.

LizKeen · 23/02/2016 17:19

OP please stop trying to find an explanation. Stop buying into his nonsense.

I get that you want a stable life with a normal man, but no matter what way he trys to spin this, he is not normal, he is not nice and this is not a stable life.

You need to start being true to yourself, and stop clinging on to the myth of a good relationship. It is not good. He is dangerous, he is gaslighting you. You don't need to know what the pubes are for, or what he is doing when he is not with you. (My feeling is that you should be GLAD you don't know the truth.) All you need to know is this is rotten and it needs to stop.

AnyFucker · 23/02/2016 17:28

Op, are you going to disappear now you have had your little wobble ?

Until the next time

turkeylovessprout · 23/02/2016 17:41

Anyfucker, I did this a lot before I left my h, but I think it was mumsnetters who helped me make my final decision. The truth hurts. Actually some of this lot made me bloody mad! But I'm finally on my own with the kids and loving it :) I'm sure you probably commented on my old posts now. It's about 6 months now since I made that decision and it was bloody hard but I'm so glad I did.

Original poster
shrubbery · 23/02/2016 18:13

Thank you all again for your words of support.
(I haven't disappeared, I was spending time with my son and cooking.)
Whatever the real truth about yesterday's goings on, it seems that it probably isn't as hideous as I feared in the moment.
I had a solicitors appointment booked already.
My plan is to get through this with as little disruption for my son as possible and with him having a mother that is feeling as strong as possible. If there is a chance of separating and staying in our home, even if it will take a bit longer, then I'd like to try for that.
My partner has just walked in, so I have to go now, but thank you all again x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/02/2016 18:23

You haven't disappeared but you take my point, yes ?

If you keep trying to explain away this shit, it's going to keep coming back. You can't wish it away. Sounds like you are going in the right direction. Don't be diverted off the path you have started along.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/02/2016 19:00

it seems that it probably isn't as hideous as I feared in the moment.

How do you know this? How do you know it isn't actually worse? You know you can't trust him any further than you can spit against the wind in a hurricane.

Just keep taking steps away from him, even if they are small steps. See the solicitor. Start building a fuck you fund. Begin quietly to extricate yourself financially, at the very least don't take on any more debt or expenses. Build a support network. Continue to divorce yourself emotionally and mentally. Don't involve yourself in his life any more than you have to and keep your own counsel about his 'activities' as much as you possibly can. Slowly and surely you'll find you've built that 'wall' that will allow you to leave him with as little possible damage to yourself and your son.

Maryz · 23/02/2016 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.