AIBU to be on the brink of cracking up

[shrubbery]

My partner has issues, which, as you may have read, has been causing problems in our family life.
One of them is buying random drugs on the internet. A rattly package arrived today, so after he got home, opened it and went to have a bath, I checked his bag, (I've had to go to his GP before about stuff he was taking). I found the pills, but also noticed a small metal tin next to them. Inside it was a neatly folded tissue - and he never neatly folds anything. I carefully unfolded it and inside were 3 pubic hairs.
I am sitting here shaking and my palms are sweating. I think it is my flight response kicking in. I just want to run out of here in my pyjamas and never stop running.

So glad you have someone in real life supporting you, Shrubbery. Garner as many as you can to help you get through. Everything is easier when you have supporters.

At least OP has stayed on the thread and kept checking back to reply.
If she was that weak minded, she would have just left after a few open replies at the beginning.

True.

I will try to keep reporting back regularly.
I felt much better about things yesterday - life feels much calmer and I'm distancing myself from my partner more. As a consequence, my son and I had a really nice afternoon and did lots of fun things after school and I thought, you know what, the two of us will be just fine together on our own.

My partner was leaving to go out after supper. I started to ask him where he was going, got an unpleasant response and then remembered the advice on here about not bothering to ask him questions and to keep my own counsel. I did and it was a whole lot less stressful. I watched a nice programme and then went to bed early and read.

I think that once we are living separately, my family will be around much more. I think they have been largely avoiding us in order to avoid him.

I'm looking forward to starting my new job soon, Women's Aid are helping me and I have an appointment with a solicitor.
Once I am far enough away from him emotionally to be confident that I am thinking clearly and once I am able to fully support myself and my son, then I will take advice on what to do about his potentially questionable activities.

Thanks again

It sounds like you have a good plan OP. I'm sure many doubts will go through your head as you make this journey, but please keep talking to us.

You sound really together shubbery. You and your son will be just fine x

You sound very strong today!! :) :)

YY use all the help you can have s d dont hesitate to use WA etc.
I actually agree that sometimes it's better to take it one step at the time.
Secure your life, don't share that with you and enjoy your ds :)

Sorry it was supposed to be
dont share that with HIM

Well done, op.

Very good! You carve out your own life for you and DS. Leave him to his own sick devices.

I'm glad you have your mum there to lean on.

Great update OP, keep going like this and you'll be happy and independent in no time

I'm so happy for you OP. You are going to be freeeeee!
I'm so glad your family are supporting you. Bless you

I think your amazing and brave, lovely lady xxx

Super update good luck with it all

I don't want anyone to think that I have been ignoring all the concerns and advice that I have been given about things that my partner may or may not have been up to.
I have spoken, anonymously, to Crimestoppers and they were very helpful. I was given advice about things to look for to confirm or dispel my concerns. They have however advised that I must not report anything to the police until there is enough of a plan in place with Women's Aid to ensure mine and my son's safety.
Thanks again. I will keep you posted.

Thats a great update shrubbery.
Keep going, you are doing very very well.

Hope you will get the support you need with WA and you will be able to move out/have him moving out soo.
Do you have anyone in RL you can speak to too?

Yours and DS's safety is paramount Shrubbery, you're doing so well sweetheart

You are being strong and wise, Shrubbery. "The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step" as the old saying goes, and you've made that first step.

I now absolutely do not feel like I am on the brink of cracking up. You lot saved me just in the nick of time.
What ever else has been going on, the most shocking thing of all is how successfully he managed to contort my memory and my ability to reason and think rationally.
What I am now though, is terrified. I have done a lot of research since my last post and from what I understand, it seems that no matter what he may have done - even if all the awful speculations on this thread were true, he would still be allowed unsupervised contact with our son, including having him stay over night with him. I have never spent a night away from my son, not one since he was born. I have very rarely even left him alone with his father - a few hours here and there on very few occasions, but no more than that and certainly not recently. Now the wool has been pulled from over my eyes, I think I know why I have been so careful.
If this is true, what can I possibly do that would be in the best interests of our son?

Does he know shrubbery,that you suspect anything?
I am sure there has to be a way around this.
Others will know better but as the daughter of a parent who SA me and sister for many years (though he was very careful to not go too far or leave any kind of evidence) I am so glad you have done the right thing.
Now there is much more help about than back in the 80's. It's your gut instinct. Believe it and try and get any evidence without him knowing.

Have you spoken to a solicitor regarding access to your son? I don't see how he could be given unsupervised access participate if he has been buying drugs on line, not including the odd 'relationship' with the boy next door, just on the drugs alone. I think you need to get yourself a good family solicitor and discuss everything and all the what if scenarios. You need to box clever with your son's father because he is and will be just as cunning.

He knows I'm not happy with him, but I doubt more than that.

I've read more about the pills I found and I am not sure they would be enough to prevent unsupervised contact? I found this thread about the drug, on here bizarrely:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters/1825562-Is-it-illegal-to-buy-Piracetam-modafinil-in-the-UK

Your best bet will be to see a solicitor. I don't know about there, but here (US) there seems to be no rhyme nor reason to court decisions when there is no actual police or court record or hard physical evidence regarding a parent's 'activities' or unfitness to have unsupervised contact. And by hard physical evidence I mean something where he can't just say "I don't know what she's on about, that's not mine!".

You should probably lay out in writing his 'activities' and your concerns. List any proof you feel you have. If your son has been affected by his father's behaviour, write it down. Try to be somewhat unemotional and factual. Then show it to the solicitor.

I agree, yoour best bet is to go and see a sollicitor.
And to record all the things you can, incl taking those pills (if you can find some more) to the GP again.

I would keep a record too of his behaviour. Things like leaving said pills or prescription medicine in such places that your ds could get hold of them to ingest them.
Any other behaviour that could be detrimental to your ds. If you don't feel you can leave your ds with him NOW there has to be a reason. Try and remeber all the occasions when you thought 'I can't trsut him there with ds' and write them down.

I have just started making a list - these sort of things?

leaves knives and boiling pans within reach

fire risk, regularly leaves hob on, has caused kitchen fires in the past by leaving tin foil and tea towels on top of hob when it is on

security risk - regularly leaves outer doors unlocked when comes in or goes to bed last

at playground, did not notice our child was missing for over 10 minutes as he was chatting - luckily I saw him wander off and so had him safely outside the playground with me (I was waiting outside with the dogs) and I timed how long it took his father to notice

very unsafe driver - does not hold steering wheel when speeding over 70mph, in rain - swerves across the white line when fiddling with radio or singing along - cannot multitask

when younger, let go of son's hand at a busy crossing allowing him to step in front of a car - I managed to grab him and pull him back just in time

gives inappropriate advice - encourages him to punch other children at school when in a disagreement (son refuses to take this advice, saying it is wrong)

cannot fit child seat in car and on several occasions has omitted to fasten him into his seat

takes rough play to excess - regularly ends in hurt and tears

leaves pills lying around - vitamins, sleeping tablets, paracetamol, prescription medication, illegally bought prescription medication

takes illegally bought prescription drugs without even knowing what they are

alcoholic, drinks to excess, regularly passes out in the evening

goes away for days at a time with no contact and does not answer phone