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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU to be on the brink of cracking up

275 replies

shrubbery · 22/02/2016 21:16

My partner has issues, which, as you may have read, has been causing problems in our family life.
One of them is buying random drugs on the internet. A rattly package arrived today, so after he got home, opened it and went to have a bath, I checked his bag, (I've had to go to his GP before about stuff he was taking). I found the pills, but also noticed a small metal tin next to them. Inside it was a neatly folded tissue - and he never neatly folds anything. I carefully unfolded it and inside were 3 pubic hairs.
I am sitting here shaking and my palms are sweating. I think it is my flight response kicking in. I just want to run out of here in my pyjamas and never stop running.

OP posts:
Original poster
shrubbery · 22/02/2016 23:01

I meant to say:

abbsismyhero "pull yourself together if you ring the police and go on about pubes in a tin they will think you're nuts"

MardyGrave "Love, a pube tin dna test is not what you need right now."

Not sure what I do need right now, but thank you, you both made me laugh, which definitely helped x

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 22/02/2016 23:01

Forget the house. If you own it, it can be sold. If you're renting, you can rent elsewhere. He's not safe for you or your son to be around.

You have already normalised far too much. Your boundaries aren't secure enough. You need to get you and your son to a place where you can begin to see what normal is.

Sorry - I think your situation is already quite urgent.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 22/02/2016 23:03

How old is the boy next door

BitchPeas · 22/02/2016 23:04

How old is the teenager?

Either way, get your DS and go! Anywhere you can. Ignore your mother, do you have money for a hotel, train tickets, petrol to your dad? Sometimes just running is the best thing to do.

thecatfromjapan · 22/02/2016 23:05

Actually, just the pills, keeping weird momentoes and your reaction was enough to make me think all that.

His reaction to your question plus backstory just worries me more. I didn't need the explanation.

He's just all wrong. And your boundaries have been messed with for such a long time you are extremely vulnerable.

Original poster
shrubbery · 22/02/2016 23:12

I'm thinking maybe tomorrow, after he's gone to work, I take myself, my son and the dogs to my father's house. BUT, two serious points:

  • I have been told that leaving the house (joint mortgage) will jeopardise my chances of a court deciding that my partner should be the one to leave. I know people have said forget about the house, but I really need something stable to get through all of this.
  • I'd obviously ring the school first, (they already know that I've had concerns and may have to leave), but can I just take my son out of school for, lets say, a week?
OP posts:
LifeofI · 22/02/2016 23:12

I have a feeling from what you describe your husband is visiting the deep web.
This is a dangerous place and can lead to him being hacked.
Look on your computer and see if a browser called TOR is downloaded

Jux · 22/02/2016 23:13

shrubbery, really you can deal with the house issues another time. You need some space away from this jerk to get your head together. He is a seriously nasty man, and he is playing games with you. What he is doing is dangerous to you, you are risking your mental health - he wants to drive you insane or make you believe you are - and that leads to a serious risk to your child, too.

Please ring WA, ask for help. If you can, just bundle your child up and take him on an adventure, to your dad's, or your mum's (do you have a spare key, or can she contact a neighbour to give you a key?), and just get away for a while.

Deal with other practicalities later, when you've had some space and can think clearly.

abbsismyhero · 22/02/2016 23:16

your best outcome will be a forced house sale

you're going to need police involvement and that may lead to social services involvement which means you must be seen to be protecting your son

thecatfromjapan · 22/02/2016 23:16

School - tell them it's a family emergency.

Have you phoned women's aid for advice?

Original poster
shrubbery · 22/02/2016 23:17

LifeofI, I've never even heard of what you are talking about, but I cannot access his computer. He password locks absolutely everything and has laptops that I don't even know where he keeps. All stems from me finding stuff on there that freaked me out and also got the whole "you're imagining it, its all in your head, you're fucking mental" response.

OP posts:
Original poster
shrubbery · 22/02/2016 23:19

thecatfromjapan I went to Women's Aid recently. I have a contact there now whom I will call in the morning for advice. Once I've worked out how to stop myself from telling her things about tins that will make her doubt my sanity.

OP posts:
FellOutOfBedTwice · 22/02/2016 23:21

What was on the computer? This guy is clearly into something seriously dark. Fuck the house, take your son and go. Drive to your Dads. Material things can be replaced- this is your sanity.

Original poster
shrubbery · 22/02/2016 23:21

Thanks abbsismyhero "you must be seen to be protecting your son".

It's so difficult to think rationally and strategically when you are upset.
I've had legal advice in the past telling me that I must not leave the house, but I don't think they really understood the situation.

OP posts:
gunting · 22/02/2016 23:23

The deep web is essentially just websites that have opted out of being listed in Google search results. (Simple description)

People abuse this to sell drugs and weapons and share disturbing porn or personal details obtained by phishing scams.

thecatfromjapan · 22/02/2016 23:23

If he's getting drugs via the internet, it will be dark web. I'm not sure that's an issue - though I suspect it's not going to be just drugs he's accessing - especially if his laptops are inaccessible to you.

I think that's possibly a side-issue, though.

If you contact women's aid, tell them about the drugs. That has a serious impact on what you need to do with regard to keeping your child safe, as Abbie says.

LifeofI · 22/02/2016 23:23

Sorry op i just re read every one of your post i got confused and thought he purchased the pubes on the net or something.
Ignore the above.

And it seems your husbans is mentally abusibg you, one thing i learnt whilst being with a cheat is its always "in your head"
No it isnt. Your head is always right your feelings are always right.

Booking a week away with a neighnors kid is creepy. Does this boy have a father? Is he trying to make it out he is a father figure or something to the boy?

Op try do calm down. If right now is not right for you to leave dont. What you do is just say "okay" to whatever rubbish he tries to say to you.
Behind his back you look into a divorce and moving ect.
No point arguing, its stress, no point running out the house now and causing uproar because you have a child.
You know what he has done so does he.
Its over now move on to better.

LifeofI · 22/02/2016 23:26

Womens aid are good too. If they believe you are in serious danger they will move you to a hostel and at tge hostel they help you with everything like divorce/money/house ect

FaceTheFace · 22/02/2016 23:26

Are the hairs for use in passing a drug test?

thecatfromjapan · 22/02/2016 23:27

I doubt she'll doubt your sanity. Men like your husband keep momentoes. She'll have heard it all, I suspect.

You have to start telling people everything or you are not going to get appropriate advice.

lorelei9 · 22/02/2016 23:27

Er, whoever advised you before doesn't seem to get it
You can and will get your share of the house

Deep web, drugs...after you leave, will you report those things to police? Also report if boy is underage and being abused.

lorelei9 · 22/02/2016 23:28

Dark web even!

gunting · 22/02/2016 23:29

Facetoface that is a good point

Original poster
shrubbery · 22/02/2016 23:31

cat - the drugs were prescription drugs that I assume he had obtained illegally. They definitely weren't prescribed to him and were just loose in a plastic bag with a silica gel packet. And he had left them where our son could easily get to them. He is totally irresponsible and would not have even thought twice about any risk to our boy. I took them to his GP the next morning, so it is all on his records.

LifeofI - spot on, he does claim to be a father figure to him and also says that he is his best friend. Seriously.

OP posts:
TitClash · 22/02/2016 23:32

If the boy next door has been hurt by your husband then yes the police will take the trophy seriously.

Call them now.

You are being given very bad advice by people here who are tleling you that the police will think you are nuts. no they wont. Thats not different from what this abuser is telling you.

Phone the police straight away. Give them the tin. Do it now.