Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Well that's it - after 7yrs of marriage and 8yrs together DH and I are on the verge of splitting up

182 replies

fannyannie · 30/12/2006 17:53

We had a long chat last night before I went to work about "us". And he admitted that he "resigned" himself to the fact that we were living as "friends" about 4 or 5yrs ago. I told him that I couldn't continue living like this - we're talking, not really arguing (that's something in itself!) but really just as friends nothing more. I gave him the option of relationship counselling or moving out as I couldn't live like 'friends' for the rest of our lives (I'm not quite 28!) and he refused counselling.

So I guess that's that. I'm nearly 18 weeks pg with DC3 (unplanned) and he's said he's happy for me to continue living here as long as I want, but I told him that once I'd had a chance to get a deposit and first months rent for a house/flat together then I'd have to move out. He seemed pretty shocked, but hasn't mentioned anything about it today (although I've been in bed most of the day having worked last night).

I still really love him, and desperately hoped that, although our relationship has been far from perfect for several years, we could give it one last proper go - but it appears not. He's an amazing father to our DS's and I feel awful breaking that up - but I just can't face living without any 'love' in our relationship.

I guess deep inside I knew it was coming - it was me that asked him to sit down and talk, but a big part of me wanted him to say we could give it one last shot - but it appears not.

I suppose I'm glad that at least I know where we're at, but it hurts like hell and I just don't know how I'm going to cope on my own - not worried about finances - I know I can afford a decent rented place, bills and food on my income, tax credits, child benefit and money I get from the church for playing the organ, just worried that I won't be any good at playing "mum and dad" to the boys - although I'll make sure that DH gets to see plenty of them - he won't have the same relationship with no.3 (which he wanted me to get rid of) as he has with the other 2 and I feel terrible about it.

OP posts:
iota · 30/12/2006 18:01

what a mess - don't do anything rash - maybe your pregnancy hormones are making you feel down. After all you must have been more than friends to get pregnant

QuootiepieTheNewYearsAss · 30/12/2006 18:02

I have nothing to say, but wanted to give you some {{hugs}} I really hope, either way, things work out for the best for you xXx

RantInEMinor · 30/12/2006 18:15

how terrible. his shock at the thought of you moving out suggests that it feels terrible and unreal to him too. whatever happens you have focus on what is right for you and your boys. don't let him persuade you into staying in the house as "friends", that's mostly about his guilt and nothing to do with what's best for you and your children. do you have to move out? can he not go and you and the boys stay in the family home?

vitomum · 30/12/2006 18:43

have you told him you still really love him? I think it is important he knows that.

Pruni · 30/12/2006 18:43

Message withdrawn

NoXmasNameForNomDePlume · 30/12/2006 18:50

Fanny, are you a regular namechanger ? I hope that you and DH can find a way through this.

Incidentally, why are you moving out of the family home with the children and not him ? Surely it makes more sense for you to stay in the house with the boys (where they are settled and happy) than it does to uproot them further by moving house too.

Original poster
fannyannie · 30/12/2006 18:50

I couldn't afford to stay in this house - and tbh I'm not sure I'd want to if we weren't here together. He's happy to keep things as they are and us stay together as "friends" so I do kind of feel I should be the one to go as I'm the one that doesn't want things staying as they are.

I think I'm pretty 'sorted' - I'll be going on maternity leave in May (taking my annual leave in April) and then I'll not be at work until Feb 2008 - which would give me plenty of time to work out the actually practicalities of fitting my work in around being a single mum. It'd also mean that I'm at home with the DS's for the first year after we split up (unless he has a miraculous change of mind and decides to go to relate - in which case I'd be more than happy to stay here and give it one last final push) so at least they would have me around in what I imagine will be a difficult year for them - new brother/sister and mummy and daddy not living together.

It all feels so raw at the moment - even though I'd been through this scenario in my head before we talked it still came as a shock - IYKWIM.

OP posts:
NoXmasNameForNomDePlume · 30/12/2006 18:51

fair enough. I hope there is a relatively painless and amicable way around it for you all.

Original poster
fannyannie · 30/12/2006 18:52

NDP - yes I'm a regular - or was - been offline for a month as the computer died on us at the end of November and we only got it fixed this week.

I used to post prolifically under a different name - read my first post about my situation again re the details of 'me' and you may be able to work out who I am - particularly one of my sources of income mentioned in the last paragraph.

OP posts:
vitomum · 30/12/2006 18:54

can you talk more? you have both admitted that you have been living as friends and that you don;t want that. But you still live him and want to give it a last shot. But you've not told him this. Isn't it possible that he is thinking all the same things as you? It seems sad to let a relationship go without first putting all your cards on the table. what is there to lose?

Lefthim · 30/12/2006 18:55

Hi FA, I just told my dh it's over too. We're friends and that's all.
So sorry you're going through this babe, especially as your pg
Don't worry about baby no 3, he'll love him/her just the same.
You're very level headed and you're going to do great. I admire you. You work and are having your 3rd baby plus going through this?

NoXmasNameForNomDePlume · 30/12/2006 18:59

It seems so sad

I know that you have had physical issues in the past but I got the impression that you were a close couple in other ways, despite the recurrent probs.

You and DH have had a tough few years.
Now that things have evened out a bit and the dust has settled, allowing you both to take a step back and look at the way things are, it seems a real tragedy that DH isn't willing to give it everything he has in order to try and get back what is missing.

I really feel for you and I hope this is the kick that sorts things out for good in the way that is best for you all, whether it pushes DH into reconsidering the counselling thing or if it means that you both agree that it is the end.

Original poster
fannyannie · 30/12/2006 18:59

vito - I told him last night that I wanted to give it another shot.

I don't want to make it sounds as if I think it's all my fault - but I haven't exactly helped our relationship in the last few years - horrible temper, 2 seperate incidents of losing large (for us) sums of money with online gambling, and a few other smaller issues which haven't really helped us.

Something inside me 'changed' when I fell pg in September - I guess I suddenly realised subconciously that we were miles apart from each other in terms of knowing what each other wanted - he wanted me to get rid of it, I wanted to keep it - I never imagined he would ever ask me to terminate a pregnancy because of 'bad timing' - but he did.

I asked him a few times if he'd consider going to Relate and giving it another go - but he was adamant that there wasn't any 'relationship' to go back to per se - as things changed when we left our tight-nit community we lived in abroad and came back tot he UK - he reckons it was simply the atmosphere of that community that kept us together- and it's only really that that we have in common.

OP posts:
Lefthim · 30/12/2006 19:01

By the way Relate are good for couples who are splitting up too. They help with that. You're a very honest person by the sounds of it. take care xx

christmas2NDTIMEmistletoenwine · 30/12/2006 19:03

But if you are 18 weeks pg (assuming it's DHs baby) you must have been more than friends fairly recently?

No relationships are perfect.

If he wants you to lives as friends why is he still having sex with you?

Original poster
fannyannie · 30/12/2006 19:05

we were both rather drunk that night we had sex (hence the reason the condom was forgotten ) - infact I think we can count on both hands how many times we've had sex since DS1 was born - and he's 6........ .

OP posts:
christmas2NDTIMEmistletoenwine · 30/12/2006 19:05

Sorry.

Re~read that post.

Didn't mean to sound sharp. Just trying to understand your DHs POV.

christmas2NDTIMEmistletoenwine · 30/12/2006 19:06

I'm so sad for you.

anorak · 30/12/2006 19:08

I think I know who you are and if I am right you've always talked about your DH in loving terms, and he's always sounded like a reasonable and caring person.

I really hope he'll agree to some counselling as it sounds like you have something worth saving. Would his family be any help if you asked them to talk to him for you? Can you ask him to go to Relate for the children's sake if he won't go for you? They really can help to revive marriages that seem dead in the water.

Lefthim · 30/12/2006 19:18

Relate

There's their online site. they're very helpful plus the books are great.

Original poster
fannyannie · 30/12/2006 19:21

He's a very reasonable person - and has always come across to me as being very level headed (complete opposite of me there - wry ).

I guess I could talk to his older sister as we get along well - but I'm not sure he'd be happy with me discussing such private details of our relationship with her - he's quite a 'private' man in that he feels that what happens in our relationship/friendship/whatever it is, is between us, and us only.

I think I'm going to leave it a week or so, and ask him if he'll go to Relate for the children's sake - the main reason he stated for us leaving things as they are is because of the children and since we've not been arguing, but getting along 'civily' (sp) the DS's have continued to be really happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
fannyannie · 30/12/2006 22:30

now I feel even worse - he insisted - and won't take no for an answer - that he sleeps on the tiny chairbed in the boys bedroom while I have the big double bed (on the nights when I'm not working) - he says I can't sleep on the sofa/sofabed/chairbed because I'm pregnant and need somewhere decent to sleep.

I love him SOOO much - but it would appear that he's simply accepted it's over and is going to continue being 'nice' until I've saved some money to move out (well he'll still be 'nice' afterwards too - but he's not being horrible about it or trying to change my mind or anything.

I've spent the whole evening watching TV in "our" bedroom crying on and off.

OP posts:
christmascarol3 · 30/12/2006 22:36

just wanted to give you a [[[[hug]]]]]
have just been and going through the same with dh he moved out 6 weeks ago

TeamC · 30/12/2006 22:48

Thirty years ago, you'd have stayed together ... people did.
Sounds like you've got lots of positives to your relationship, and sounds like you don't want to give up on it ... so keep trying, please.
Don't know all the details, sorry if this is a totally useless post.
Massive hugs, what a horrible time for you, take care of yourself (very important) and your boys.

JustUsTwo · 30/12/2006 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.