Well that's it - after 7yrs of marriage and 8yrs together DH and I are on the verge of splitting up

[fannyannie]

We had a long chat last night before I went to work about "us". And he admitted that he "resigned" himself to the fact that we were living as "friends" about 4 or 5yrs ago. I told him that I couldn't continue living like this - we're talking, not really arguing (that's something in itself!) but really just as friends nothing more. I gave him the option of relationship counselling or moving out as I couldn't live like 'friends' for the rest of our lives (I'm not quite 28!) and he refused counselling.

So I guess that's that. I'm nearly 18 weeks pg with DC3 (unplanned) and he's said he's happy for me to continue living here as long as I want, but I told him that once I'd had a chance to get a deposit and first months rent for a house/flat together then I'd have to move out. He seemed pretty shocked, but hasn't mentioned anything about it today (although I've been in bed most of the day having worked last night).

I still really love him, and desperately hoped that, although our relationship has been far from perfect for several years, we could give it one last proper go - but it appears not. He's an amazing father to our DS's and I feel awful breaking that up - but I just can't face living without any 'love' in our relationship.

I guess deep inside I knew it was coming - it was me that asked him to sit down and talk, but a big part of me wanted him to say we could give it one last shot - but it appears not.

I suppose I'm glad that at least I know where we're at, but it hurts like hell and I just don't know how I'm going to cope on my own - not worried about finances - I know I can afford a decent rented place, bills and food on my income, tax credits, child benefit and money I get from the church for playing the organ, just worried that I won't be any good at playing "mum and dad" to the boys - although I'll make sure that DH gets to see plenty of them - he won't have the same relationship with no.3 (which he wanted me to get rid of) as he has with the other 2 and I feel terrible about it.

You can't afford the house so have to move somewhere smaller with the boys? But he can afford the house. Doesn't seem right to me.

And yes, it's probably time for me to stop wittering on as well! .

We've already discussed money - he will continue to buy their clothes (he's always been better at it than me ) and I'll continue to feed them.

He'll still be having them to stay with him on a regular basis (haven't worked out the exact details on that yet) and while they're with him - he'll feed them.

I may have added costs of rent and council tax - but my shopping bill will be a lot cheaper without getting some of the branded things that he insists (in a nice way) we have.

Not to mention the boys wouldn't mind having the same meal 2 (or even 3 LOL) times in week - meaning I'll be able to take advantage of the BOGOFS on drumsticks and the likes without worrying about freezer space.

I don't WANT to stay in this house - and I'm not paying his rent (which I'd have to do as I can't afford to pay the mortgage which is in his name) - I'm supposed to be saving money not spending extra!

forgive me I will probably deserve a good slap for saying this but I have to say it.

FA with all due respect you sound very naively optimistic about all this - that no one is going to screw you around and that it is all going to go according to plan.

I'm sorry, but for the sake of your boys I think you need to wise up a little. Surely it's better for them to stay with YOU for March, rather than for you to be off working?

How can your DH afford to stay in the family house if you can't? You said that you are the main earner?

To be frank,. it shouldn't matter how much you do or don't want to be in that house - at the moment you should be thinking about keeping things as normal and stable as possible for your boys....which in my book would mean that you stay put.

right, I AM leaving this thread now before I say something I really shoudln't

as for their "home" business - it's DS1's 4th home, and DS2's 2nd........not bad going for a 6 and 3yr old.

Anyhow must get going - have to pay the last 2 bills that still need paying this month, try and sort out an organist (or 2) to cover when I'm just due/having/had the baby, make a shopping list and call the Gas people as they've wildly overestimated just how much gas we actually used!

i agree with sarah.

however
i think your a naive orange.

Completly confused by all this.
I have not been in your situation so don't know how I would react but you make it sound so simple and are already planning meals etc.
When in reality I would suspect it will be hard work with 3 children,on your own for the majority of the time.

Will your children understand why you are having to move out for a month without them?

Sarah is making good points. You seem to be thinking more about the micromanagement of the finances (BOGOFFs etc) and not about the big bills etc. DH buying the boys clothes doesn't sound like that big a contribution TBH. Presumably DS2 can wear some handmedowns. What about childcare after your maternity leave? What about while you are having the baby etc?

Hi FA. Good to see you again, sorry about the circumstance though.

oh I'm sorry - I didn't realise I was supposed to sit here and expect the worst to happen and be downright miserable about it.

I want to move forward with my life, on my own, with the boys, in a different house, I'm not going to do that by sitting here saying "oh he's guaranteed to turn out to be a complete bastard about it, and I really should take my annual leave early, thus starting my maternity leave early and getting less time with teh baby after it's born rather than agreeing amicably for him to look after the boys while I work my last month before I'm off for nearly a yr".

I'm not the main bread winner - his monthly salary is marginially higher than mine - but I have extra money from church, the child benefits and TC are paid into my account too. Which makes the amount of money I have available higher than his.

So I pay most of the household bills, gas, electricity, water, insurance, phone, internet,tv licences etc etc then I do all the grocery shopping pay for his and my credit cards (his being the much larger one) and another of the business debts which is in his name.

He pays for the mortgage, council tax, car HP (and all other assosicated car costs), loan and a few other smaller loans/business debts and buys the boys clothes and other 'nonfood' essentials for them.

The only thing that I am going to say is that 3 weeks ago we moved from one 4 bed house to another, and the unpacking took 3 days.

ok - on a practical note - work out how much money you and he are both going to need to run two households - two lots of bills, council tax etc - and seriously consider between you how you are going to finance that - eg presumably you will not get full pay during your year's maternity leave.

Seriously consider if selling the house would help that situation or be better as a base for DH and the kids when they are staying with him.

Hopefully it will stay amicable - but that is more likely to happen if you are both fully aware of the implications of living in two households and how you can manage that satisfactorily for all concerned.

lol Blu - 2yrs ago we moved from a 3 bedroom house to another and we still haven't unpacked all the boxes

OK all I'm going to say is that I wish you well - and I hope it all does turn out as you expect.

However, I think you need to be prepared for the unexpected - just look at all the other posts from MNers who have had nasty shocks when it comes down to the 'nitty gritty'

I hope that it will not be the same for you, I truly do,

just supposing..

what happens if, at the end of March (or whenever) when you are supposed to have the boys back to live with you, he decides he is not going to let you have them? Then what?

Throcken - we've already started doing that - my appointment with CAB in the morning will help to finalise a lot of those things.

I think re the house that its better for DH to keep it as a base for when the kids are staying with him.

In march I'll still see lots of them, I'll take them to church as usual, take DS2 to toddler groups, we've already agreed that I'll have both DS's after school for a bit if he needs to make up his hours for work/try and get some more sales in etc etc.

Trying to look at the other positives for March I'm looking forward to not having to deal with mountains of dirty clothes and wet sheets (DS2 still not totally dry at night).

Of course I'm not trying to kid myself that it's going to be easy - it isn't, but on the otherhand I don't want to be all doom and gloom about it. It's happening and I have to deal with it - and knowing how easily I can get downhearted trying to move forward positively is going to be a lot better for me than constantly reminding myself of how hard it will be.

Once the boys are with me I'll have the advantage of a LOT of friends to support me - whereas DH only has a few close friends locally who can support him when he has them staying.

So his buying a few clothes for the children and feeding them whilst he has them is his contribution to the care of his children?

Shocking, absolutely shocking!

misdee - if that happened I've already been advised that our written agreement will play very strongly in my favour should we have to fight over custody - and I would then make his life very difficult, including demanding proper maintenance payments.

I made it all clear to him during our mudslinging match (before we came to this agreement and decided that there was actually no point in doing any mudslinging as it would't change a thing about how we felt) that if he was going to be difficult over the kids issue then I would be even more difficult (and he knows from past experience that when I get stubborn and awkward I get stubborn and awkward).

No he'll continue to look after them like he does now - I'm sorry but I don't believe that a contribution to bringing up a child can be measured purely on money and material things.

When I'm at work/sleeping he looks after them, even though we currently have 'sole charge' of them about equal amounts he probably spends a lot more time doing things with them than I do. I tend to sit and supervise and 'encourage' their games together when he's not there.

Somehow I think if the children measured their relationship with him on how much money he's spent on them for food/clothing etc etc he wouldn't have such a fantastic relationship with them as he does.

yes but IF it came to that (that he wouldn't hand back the kids) how would you feel? It might take a couple of months for you to get them back with you (or to get full custody) during which time you would go to hell and back worrying about it all. Do you really want that when you have DC3 on the way? Just look at the thread someone else has had recently (URGENT WON'T BRING HIM BACK) - I'm sure you don't want that situation.

I'm sorry, but no matter how many times you say "it won't come to that" - you can never be sure. If it was me I just wouldn't be prepared to risk losing DD even for a week.

Message withdrawn

I used to know a woman who left her husband and also left her son and daughter while she sorted out a new place to rent with her kids.
After she was sorted she returned for the kids. Her husband fought her for custody and won.

Now this was over 15 years ago, so I presume things have moved on re custody law - but why put yourself in that position?

And why can't you move out with the boys at the end of March - why is it ok for him to insist on the beginning of March?

Why does he want you to move out at the beginning of March?

Why not wait until you have your maternity pay sorted and have found somewhere to live then you and the children could all move out together instead of having to leave them for a month.
What if it takes longer than a month to get somewhere to live etc?

Avalonn things have moved on as I was advised by a family lawyer this morning.

Even before I spoke to them to check how I would stand on things with me setting up the house a month before the boys came to live with me DH acknowledged that he if goes back on our written agreement he'd be making a very foolish mistake.

Ooops - that was a very long sentence wasn't it

BOOH - I've started the processing of looking now - when I move out in March it will be to whereever the boys will be coming to.

I already have the money for the deposit sorted out, and will have first months rent sorted once I get paid at the end of this month. Which would give me 2 months (February and March) to save the rest of the money to buy some basics to in the house.