Well that's it - after 7yrs of marriage and 8yrs together DH and I are on the verge of splitting up

[fannyannie]

We had a long chat last night before I went to work about "us". And he admitted that he "resigned" himself to the fact that we were living as "friends" about 4 or 5yrs ago. I told him that I couldn't continue living like this - we're talking, not really arguing (that's something in itself!) but really just as friends nothing more. I gave him the option of relationship counselling or moving out as I couldn't live like 'friends' for the rest of our lives (I'm not quite 28!) and he refused counselling.

So I guess that's that. I'm nearly 18 weeks pg with DC3 (unplanned) and he's said he's happy for me to continue living here as long as I want, but I told him that once I'd had a chance to get a deposit and first months rent for a house/flat together then I'd have to move out. He seemed pretty shocked, but hasn't mentioned anything about it today (although I've been in bed most of the day having worked last night).

I still really love him, and desperately hoped that, although our relationship has been far from perfect for several years, we could give it one last proper go - but it appears not. He's an amazing father to our DS's and I feel awful breaking that up - but I just can't face living without any 'love' in our relationship.

I guess deep inside I knew it was coming - it was me that asked him to sit down and talk, but a big part of me wanted him to say we could give it one last shot - but it appears not.

I suppose I'm glad that at least I know where we're at, but it hurts like hell and I just don't know how I'm going to cope on my own - not worried about finances - I know I can afford a decent rented place, bills and food on my income, tax credits, child benefit and money I get from the church for playing the organ, just worried that I won't be any good at playing "mum and dad" to the boys - although I'll make sure that DH gets to see plenty of them - he won't have the same relationship with no.3 (which he wanted me to get rid of) as he has with the other 2 and I feel terrible about it.

Why can't he move out ??

I know who you are, and TBH I fail to see why you should move out. He would not even have the job he has if you didn't "plan" it for him.

You have dragged you as a couple back from the brink of financial meltdown.

TBH, he has not really done much to help the situation, you are the one who has fought and fought for this relationship.

I am too angry to post anymore.

Oh, FA

I know who you are too - I've emailed you. Agree with LGJ - shouldn't be you who moves out, even if you feel you ought to. Too disruptive for the boys - you won't get somewhere as close to DS1's school either, will you?

x x x x x x x

I have worked out who you are as well and am shocked TBH.

I had no idea things were as bad as they are.

I thought you were all loved up and am so sad for you after all the things you have been through recently.

Can we do anything?

I'm so that you are going through this. I'm having a similar horrendous time at the moment, however I'm staying put as it's less disruption for my boys. Please stay put. Just wanted to lend my moral support and say that if you want to chat at peculiar hours I'm around as I'm in the States.

Agree with Hunker and LGJ.

I'm really sorry FA. This sucks

x

oh gosh I am so sorry to read this and yes I know who you are.
I agree that you shouldn't do anything rash at the moment. there is no rush. take a little time and things might seem different.
hugs and love
HC xx

Oh, FA this sucks ass it really does. I know who you are, and I never namechange so you know who I am too.

Do you think perhaps reality will hit when you move out?

I dont know you you or any other of your posts, but on one of your posts here you say you love him so much and have been crying.
Please tell him honestly how you feel, deep in your heart. It doesnt sound to be as if you really want to separate.

oh this sounds so hard i am very sorry you are going through this.

I do agree with what others are saying about the house. Effectively he is saying he wants to end the relationship but will live with you as 'friends'. Not really much of an offer is it? He's kinda forcing you in to leaving by his inactivity. If there are other reasons for you to want to leave then fair enough but i hope it is not just cos he is restricting your choices so much by saying he is willing to stay there as your friend.

It's not just you you need to consider when you talk about leaving the house, it's the boys and the baby too.

You say you couldn't afford to live there if it was just you - well, he will have to pay towards the boys wherever you live, plus you may be entitled to more benefits if you are a single parent.

If your DH has any kind of family loyalty - not just to you, but the boys too, he should be giving Relate a go.

This "living together as friends" offer stinks, IMO. If he's unhappy and doesn't want to try to work at your relationship, he should do the decent thing and bugger off. Why should you be the one making all the life changes when it's him who's forcing your hand?

I am angry on your behalf x x x x

Agree with what Hunker said.

If he is feeling how he does - he should sod off. He's hardly doing you a favour, is he?

I dont see why you should uproot the boys and a new baby because of how he feels, and because he refuses to go to relate. He is making that choice to not make it work - he should be the one to go.

Horrible for all.

So agree with harpsi.

Separating is a process, not an event. No rushing into decisions required.

Do hope you get to a point where you are content with your decisions.

Just read a brilliant feature in Saturdays Times about failing relationships..you really should try and get hold of it brief synopsis... this is a massive time of the year for break ups - but the worst time to do it people expect things to be better during Xmas when often they are worse, advice was to wait until you are in a normal routine. they had a quiz/assesment as to how much in trouble the relationship really was...as well as ways to work on a 3 month "trying" phase...the relate/mediation process whether it is approached to guide you through break up or patch up is really important - especially as your partner seems unable to express himself emotionally ie "shocked" you would move out also as I am currently supporting my mother through her divorce _ I would suggest that as much 3rd party unbiased meetings as possible really help ie the mediation/relate service ..its not about blame/mudslinging but about approaches to the future so nothing to be scared of....really try and get hold of the Times article...it might well clarify for you if things are doomed or recoverable good luck and take care be brave

Oh FA, I'm sorry to read this. Not talked much to you before now but we have come across each other.

I think you've been given some great advice here, esp the point about waiting for normal service to resume. My sister is a family lawyer and dreads going back to work in Jan cos she'll be snowed under with splitting couples after the xmas break - some of whom should not be terminal iykwim.

If I can just add my 2p..when I was pg with unplanned dd2, dh announced that he wanted out. He left when I was about 18wks. DD2 is now nearly 2yo, dh has been back since just before she was born and things are prob the best they have ever been. I do think that pg can put stress on blokes (not that they know the half of it but ykwim) and some just can't deal with it. but dealing with the resulting child is a totally different story.

We didn't have the cultural differences/separation rfom family stuff that you guys have, of course, but it CAN work out. Just hoping it does for you x x

Thanks for all your messages - haven't got time to respond now as I'm off to church with the boys.

DH slept on the boys bedroom floor last night and I (tried to) sleep in our bed. I couldn't really sleep and got up at about 1.30 and spent 1 1/2hrs handwriting (something I never do!) a letter to him trying to explain how I feel.

I knew if I tried to get all of what I'd written down out in words I'd just end up a blubbering wreck like I did on Friday night - which while isn't as bad as the arguing we used to do - doesn't really help communication.

I'm going to leave it out for him to read - if he chooses, when I go out to church, then send a friend to drop the boys off afterwards and go and talk to a good friend of mine in RL for a while to try and get some of my thoughts sorted out in RL - it's easier online where it's all 'virtual'.

Thanks for your email HM - shall respond later and also response properly to the rest of the posts on here then.

thought that I would add in the stuff from yesterdays Times (Body&Soul p12) author was Andrew marshall a marital therapist...you should both do this independently
ARE THE CRACKS STARTING TO SHOW;

1)After a nasty argument, do you feel a)ashamed b)he/she deserved it

2)Has there been a major life change in last year eg child starting school, parents death etc (would think unplanned PGY would qualify)

3)If an attractive friend or colleague sent a flirty email would you a) be flattered but worried about what this says about my relationship b)think ;Ive earned a bit of fun

4)How often do you think life would be easier on my own? a) only when I am really down b)often
Mostly a,s - going through a bad patch
Mostly b,s - relationship in peril.

The the 5 ways to improve your relationship
1)listen..take in turns to talk uninterupted and non stop for 3 minutes each. The recap what the other has said without comment or contradiction. Then discuss what you have learned
2)Acknowledge each others feelings. Use reassuring gestures (nodding)and language "I see..." also acknowledge and find areas of agreement eg "I want to go out more to but..."
3)Dont criticise...complain rather than criticise...ie specific behaviour..."could you please put your plate in the dishwasher2...not judgemental ..your so lazy..criticism is about character eg you are so lazy...or suggests that the behaviour is not a one off eg...why xxx again...critical words ie not to be used are "should, must, never, ever2
4) Be interested in your partners life...show a genuine interest...ask Qs...go with them or send text best wishes at important times.
5) Dont react normally...next time you feel about to launch into response ..STOp and THink...do something different which will stop partner slipping/launching into their usual response. try the opposite of your normal behaviour..instead of going quiet - talk instead of shoutinh listen...instead of throwing ornaments - straighten them!!

I found this really useful...my relationship is in serious need of an MOT..parental death, 4th baby born, PND, back to work etc..I have decided that I will stick this up on the wall so that we both behave better. I was having a rant to a girl friend the other day about my husband and she turned it around on me ie...check your owm self estemm its often about you and only you can take responsibility to change the existing dynamic...bit like parenting really ...focus on the positives, invest in nuturing...get a good daily routine...agree to acceptable boundaries...respect...consistency etc...might even need to convert the naughhty step ..to a thinking /cooldown step...anyway after a very challenging year I am determined to make this a bit more fun...things have drifted and been pulled way off course...I really am going to try to ensure we have a bit more fun and tranquility....Good Luck

knakered, what a spot on phrase - "relationship needing an MOT". We could all benefit from remembering that our relationships need maintenance and will not run themselves.

fannyannie, I hope your DH can come round to that point of view.

Sorry haven't had a chance to properly reply to the messages from yesterday and the day before - just wanted to say that last night DH said he'd read the 'note' I'd written him and that we would 'talk' today - so I guess in about 2hrs time or so (the boys go to bed at 8 - and I'm working tonight so it'll have to be discussed then) I'll know what's happening.

Why did it become like a friendship? Have I missed something???

Personally I don't think anyone who is pregnant should take a decision to split up. Wait until the child is 2. You need the help and you may not be in the right mental state to takt that decision anyway. Even if he's just a friend then have the benefit of a live in friend and the children's fatehr for the next 2 years. You're not likely to find anyone else in that period anyway.

why should I wait until the child is 2??? If my DH has been as unhappy as he says he has for the length of time he said then he certainly deserve another 2 1/2yrs of unhappiness.

And I'm certainly not going to be happy knowing that the man I'm living with while my husband on paper has no feelings for me.

The DS's are 6 and 3 at the moment - in another 2yrs they'll be 8 and 5 - if it comes to me moving out with then I think it would be easier to do it now than until I have a 8, 5 and 2yr old!

For those that say I should take my time - if it comes to me moving out - I'd rather do it before this baby is born....I've got April in mind if he tells me tonight thats what he thinks is best of the options I listed in the lettter I wrote him.

I start my annual leave, leading into Maternity leave then - so I'd have a long period of time to get settled with the boys and DC3 afterwards before having to worry about going back to work, but enough time from now to save some money for deposit and furniture for a rented place.

still think he should be the one to move out tbh. You have the kids and need the space, why can't he move?

I agree with Xenia that splitting while pregnant is a bad idea, though obviously it can't always be prevented. Pregnancy and the first year of a baby's life are notorious stressors on relationships and it may be that things could look very different in a year or so if there is any way you guys could give it that long.