Well that's it - after 7yrs of marriage and 8yrs together DH and I are on the verge of splitting up

[fannyannie]

We had a long chat last night before I went to work about "us". And he admitted that he "resigned" himself to the fact that we were living as "friends" about 4 or 5yrs ago. I told him that I couldn't continue living like this - we're talking, not really arguing (that's something in itself!) but really just as friends nothing more. I gave him the option of relationship counselling or moving out as I couldn't live like 'friends' for the rest of our lives (I'm not quite 28!) and he refused counselling.

So I guess that's that. I'm nearly 18 weeks pg with DC3 (unplanned) and he's said he's happy for me to continue living here as long as I want, but I told him that once I'd had a chance to get a deposit and first months rent for a house/flat together then I'd have to move out. He seemed pretty shocked, but hasn't mentioned anything about it today (although I've been in bed most of the day having worked last night).

I still really love him, and desperately hoped that, although our relationship has been far from perfect for several years, we could give it one last proper go - but it appears not. He's an amazing father to our DS's and I feel awful breaking that up - but I just can't face living without any 'love' in our relationship.

I guess deep inside I knew it was coming - it was me that asked him to sit down and talk, but a big part of me wanted him to say we could give it one last shot - but it appears not.

I suppose I'm glad that at least I know where we're at, but it hurts like hell and I just don't know how I'm going to cope on my own - not worried about finances - I know I can afford a decent rented place, bills and food on my income, tax credits, child benefit and money I get from the church for playing the organ, just worried that I won't be any good at playing "mum and dad" to the boys - although I'll make sure that DH gets to see plenty of them - he won't have the same relationship with no.3 (which he wanted me to get rid of) as he has with the other 2 and I feel terrible about it.

Message withdrawn

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you - up until this pregnancy you always seemed so close and settled.

I agree with those who have said you shouldn't have to move out - your children need their family home, and if he is the one who is unhappy in the marriage, he is the one who should leave.

I really hope that your talk with him goes OK tonight. Maybe if he realises what he stands to lose, he will reconsider relationship counselling.

Thinking of you.

Because you may not really know your own mind when pregant, Because you deserve his practical help whilst you have the baby, because he's not physically endangering the family so may as well stick around at least for the year after, because it is very very hard with a little baby on your own, lots of reasons and never move out. Also see a lawyer before you do anything and decide anything. Remember he may choose never to se them after and not help with them, like my ex husband virtually does.

I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. I can't add much to the advice the others have given, but the one thing I would say is whatever you do, please take things slowly right now (no rash decisions!). All marriages have their ups and downs and I think it is pretty normal to feel, at some point, that you have become flatmates more than lovers and that it would be nice to feel really wanted for a change. I'm sure it is also normal to feel isolated and down when pregnant (I know that I did). You say that he doesn't think that you have much of a relationship, and I guess that sooner or later him feeling like that will need to be dealt with, whether at counselling or something else, but surely that can wait until the baby is born and your hormones have settled?

Well - it's definitely over. There was a rather sticky moment last night just before I left for work where I refused to leave without the boys, and he wanted me out almost 'now' so to speak. And I thought he was going to make life very difficult for me over who had the boys.

Bit of "mudslinging" this morning (well about lunchtime) but I think we've come to an amicable agreement - which is a long way from where we were earlier.

I'm still moving out - can't bear the thought of living in our "family" home (which I can't afford to keep anyhow) without us living as a family. I was hoping he'd give me until the end of March (beginning of April) so I'd time it with my annual leave/maternity leave - but he's said beginning of March.

The boys would stay with him during March (with me being able to seee them whenever I wanted) and then come to stay with me from April (Easter Holidays) onwards.

He's promised we can get it in writing about this agreement - and I know for a fact it was a really hard decision for him to agree to let me take the boys - no matter what's happened between us he really is a great father and adores them - I've asked for a bit of time to think about it (and get advice on it) before a final decision is made but as we seemed to have "turned a corner" with regards to mudslinging - and simply working things out how they're going to be now I'm tempted to take the offer.

FA - I also know who you are and I am SO sorry.

I really do hope you can work things out for the best all round. You have given the relationship your all and if it is being thrown back, then it really is time to move on.

THinking of you, and you can CAT me any time you need to x

I'm so sorry.

traceyparker63 at hotmail dot com if there's anything I can do, or if you need a sympathetic ear.

I also know who you are and I am so sorry to hear that this is happening.

However, you need to sit down and think very calmly about all of this. You seem to be making rash decisions without proper advice.

The best decisions have to be based on what is best for your children - and all this nonsense about not being able to live in the family home and moving out - is just that - nonsence! It is not in the slightest bit in the best interests of your children (yours and his) for you to move out! The children are losing enough without that too. You will be able to afford the house because he will contribute towards the mortgage and the cost of bringing up the children.

How are you going to live while you are on mat leave - unless you have very generous mat leave provisions - how are you going to afford to pay rent, food, bills etc?

I'm really not being unsympathetic, but you two have got to start behaving like grown ups and stop all of this childish behaviour. There really is far too much at stake to carry on like this.

Get yourself off to a lawyer and take some proper advice and FGS take it!

It all seems to be what he wants. I would also be concerned that you leave him in March without the boys, he could then say you have deserted them and find yourself with a custody battle

I also think you need to speak to a solicitor before making any decisions.

Ok

I am going to be blunt here, I may get flamed for it, in fact this is MN,I probably will.

This is a guy who you met in a foreign country(being deliberately vague) you came here and TBH from where I was sitting you were the mainstay in the relationship. You pulled the whole thing back from financial meltdown, you took a job with hard hours to be with your boys. You kept it all together for the family, FFS you even did his route planning for him.

Now all of a sudden he is very sure of what he wants.

Who is filling him full of all of this shite ??

Does he have mates at work who are teasing him because you are a strong woman ?

Has he made more friends from his own country? Is it a more male domintated society ??

What I am trying to say is in the nicest possible way is, do you think this is all him or is there an outside influence you need to deal with ??

I am so very angry on your behalf.

DO NOT LEAVE THE BOYS

PLEASE

I dont want march to come and you are on your own. The boys need their mummy and Im sorry, but I feel there may be an outside influence here, and I dont want you to run the risk of losing the boys.

Oh and BTW whatever happens, you make sure you have the boys Passports.

Even great dads do rash things.

I agree with that. If you really have to leave the boys, don't leave their passports.

It would be so much better if you didn't have to leave the boys at all though.

FA, it sounds very like he's kicking you out.

He wants to go back to his home country, does he not?

Do not, as LGJ says, do NOT leave their passports.

I have to go home now but you know where I am - and if you need me to, I'll come and give you a hug somehow. Make do with this one for the moment - and if it helps, you can send me their passports...

{{{{{FA}}}}}

Thanks everyone - if there's one thing I'm sure of it's that he's not going to run back to his foreign country with them - he was nervous enough about taking them on holiday there in August because of the situation and now the leader of that country has "decided" to extend his Presidency by an extra 2yrs things could get even worse.

I'm not going to make any rash decisions - got too many RL friends who are making sure of that.

However IF we go through with his compromise on what I want to do (and it's certainly not anything close to what he really wants) I'm going to make sure it's all written down - with us both having copies incase it should get nasty.

Although last night I could only see it getting nasty - now I see us working it out as adults. Neither of us want to be getting to the family courts business - he went through it with his parents divorce and hated it.

I'm still intent on leaving this house - this is hard enough at the moment knowing that we're over without the prospect of staying in a house which we bought as a long term family home. I'd rather have a clean break - so to speak.

I'll be able to afford to rent round here pretty easily - even when I'm on my maternity pay as renting prices are quite reasonable, I have my organ playing income - and my tax credits (and child benefit when DC3 is born) will go up when I'm claming on my own.

TBH I've spent the last couple of days thinking "bastard" and going through all the ways I think he's been a prat. But I know that he's still a decent man, and we both genuinely want to remain on friendly terms with each other - that's one thing we agreed on Friday night - that while he's viewed us as purely friends for a long time - for the most part we have been good friends. We've had some good times together (his words) and I want to remain on good terms with him.

I've told him I'm not making an absolute decision over the compromise just yet - probably tomorrow once I've had a good nights sleep - and been to CAB (was going anyway about something entirely different) but I think if I have it in writing that I can still have as much access to the boys as I like in March and that they can move into a rented place with me in April then I may go with it.

He's still insisting that I sleep in the bed - with him on the tiny chair bed in the boys room - on the nights I'm not working and we even managed a friendly joke this evening that he'd let me take the PS2 with me for DS1 LOL.

It's not going to be easy but I'm very lucky that I've got some extremely good friends at church and work who will be there to help me out.

Don't leave the children with him, however much that's part of the compromise and he promises you stuff a couple of months after you've left them.

Right, really have to go.

HM - he doesn't want to go back there I'm sure of that. There's no work out there for him, he's got a decent job (which he got himself - not sure where the idea that I got it sorted for him came from ) and has some good friends - one of who he spoke to today while I was having a sleep and wanted to move into one of the bedrooms on the 15th of this month........DH told him he'd have to wait. LOL.

Where are the passports ??

one of who he spoke to today while I was having a sleep and wanted to move into one of the bedrooms on the 15th of this month........DH told him he'd have to wait. LOL.

Now you see to me this smacks of forward planning. Please, please be careful.

HM - it's not a couple of months after I'll have moved out - it's just for March - and him having them for March will actually help me as I can get the childcare sorted out for when I return to work in 2008 but getting it sorted by March would be pretty difficult - he'd be my free baby sitter (And I'm not working on my Birthday so he can have them that night for sure and I shall go out...............and drink Orange juice ).

I've just worked out who you are.

Hope you get some good advice from the CAB.

I really have to agree with the others who say to hide the passports. Please do this!

LGJ - no - it's a friend of his I know as well - he's currently living in a houseshare in Northampton and having seen the place for myself it's DIRE. When I first met him about 1 1/2yrs ago he said that if he got the opportunity to get a room in a nicer place then he'd jump at the opportunity.

He's a great bloke - and someone I wouldn't mind being here when DH has the boys to stay (and he's quite dishy actually...but that may not be a good idea hey ).

Just be careful, please.

Dont' worry I'll be careful.