Well that's it - after 7yrs of marriage and 8yrs together DH and I are on the verge of splitting up

[fannyannie]

We had a long chat last night before I went to work about "us". And he admitted that he "resigned" himself to the fact that we were living as "friends" about 4 or 5yrs ago. I told him that I couldn't continue living like this - we're talking, not really arguing (that's something in itself!) but really just as friends nothing more. I gave him the option of relationship counselling or moving out as I couldn't live like 'friends' for the rest of our lives (I'm not quite 28!) and he refused counselling.

So I guess that's that. I'm nearly 18 weeks pg with DC3 (unplanned) and he's said he's happy for me to continue living here as long as I want, but I told him that once I'd had a chance to get a deposit and first months rent for a house/flat together then I'd have to move out. He seemed pretty shocked, but hasn't mentioned anything about it today (although I've been in bed most of the day having worked last night).

I still really love him, and desperately hoped that, although our relationship has been far from perfect for several years, we could give it one last proper go - but it appears not. He's an amazing father to our DS's and I feel awful breaking that up - but I just can't face living without any 'love' in our relationship.

I guess deep inside I knew it was coming - it was me that asked him to sit down and talk, but a big part of me wanted him to say we could give it one last shot - but it appears not.

I suppose I'm glad that at least I know where we're at, but it hurts like hell and I just don't know how I'm going to cope on my own - not worried about finances - I know I can afford a decent rented place, bills and food on my income, tax credits, child benefit and money I get from the church for playing the organ, just worried that I won't be any good at playing "mum and dad" to the boys - although I'll make sure that DH gets to see plenty of them - he won't have the same relationship with no.3 (which he wanted me to get rid of) as he has with the other 2 and I feel terrible about it.

Well, it may reflect badly on him, in the UK, but if he buggers off to another country, that country wont really give a toss if a written agreement, unindorsed by a court, makes him look bad. Especially in his home country - where there is definitely no love lost between the governments of the UK and there.

I am saying this, because I dont want to see you lose out - just like everyone else here, so please dont take all this the wrong way.

I can tell you now he wouldn't be going back to his country. Several times in the last few years we've talked about if we'd ever move there - and he said on every single occasion that he would only consider it once the children had finished school and were adults - then they could choose whether they wanted to or not.

He wanted to keep the children initially as he thought I was going to run off up to where my parents live - and drag the DS's away from school, friends, etc etc. Now I've made it clear I'm staying put in wellingborough he's more "relaxed" if that's the word for it, about it.

Besides, I'll be taking all the childrens documentation with me so he wouldn't be able to even if he wanted too (he'd have to find teh money as well and there's much chance of that as there is of me flying to the moon).

FA
I know that you won't back down on your side of things....

however, being in a multicultural marriage myself (and yes I realise that it is probably completely different) I still believe that you can never really know and fully understand your partners background, no matter how much you try and how long you have been together.

Divorce brings out the worst in people - and chances are you may not have seen the worst of your DH. he sounds like a good guy - but given this situation that is unfolding, do you really understand the cultural pressures that he may be under to keep his kids?

"where there is definitely no love lost between the governments of the UK and there."

exactly - which is why he doesn't want to go back.

the irony is everyone is saying be the most careful you can be and your comng back with - 'well we dont get on but its not like hes a complete tosser'

to me it seems like comon sense to not leave the children despite the circumstances. also to keep passports in a safe place.

i would advocate him moving out until you got a new place. i guarentee 2 weeks living on his own will change him.

I agree with custardo

I may have missed something along the way - but why are you the one who has to move out? that seems fatal to me - why not keep the family home for your kids?

do you really understand the cultural pressures that he may be under to keep his kids?

There are no cultural pressures for him to keep the kids. There are however cultural pressures for him to allow the children to have regular contact with their mother and running back of to a country he dreads visiting on holiday because of the situation out there, let alone the thought of living there, would be frowned upon by his family - don't think any of his friends still live there - most have moved to the UK.....

Listen to the Mumsnetters, FA. You are of course in the habit of trusting your (former) life partner and have no reason to believe a bunch of strangers, but everyone here has either been there or seen it. Be amicable, yes, but carry on getting good legal advice and putting everything in writing as you are wisely doing. None of us want to see you posting here in a few months' time "I never thought he could behave like this". If he's a breathing human being at all, YES HE CAN because people DO change and/or hide their true selves. I don't mean he will, but never leave yourself 100% at someone else's mercy, especially an ex. Niceness isn't the point.

Am I the only one here who wouldn't be surprised if the friend is not the one who actually moves in, or even... ooh er. Maybe I've been watching too many dramas on the telly.

hi FA

no - I haven't said we don't get on - I've said we're no more than friends. He wants to remain friends - and so do I.

I don't WANT to stay in this house - it wouldn't be our family home if he wasn't here, I couldn't afford it, and it needs to much work doing on it.

I want to make a clean break and I know that if I were to stay here it'll take me even longer than it's already going to adjust.

FA - if the long term objective is for you to keep the boys, and you've got another one on the way, then I don't understand at all why you're moving out. Surely dh should/could move out, then you, boys and new baby aren't disrupted? If you and dh are remaining friends then couldn't something be worked out financially that would support him getting a flat/room somewhere nearby so he could have regular contact? I still don't get (a) why you're moving out and (b) going for a month before the boys.

crossed posts!! So will you be selling the house and splitting the money? In which case can't you both stay there (or dh move out) until the house is sold? I'm trying to think what makes sense in terms of stability and financial security for you and your children.

i understand you might not want to live in that house.

i get that.

but the sensible option is for him to move out in the short term. then you can give yourself a longer time to plan ahead without disrupting your children.

I am slightly puzzled when you say you could not afford the current house - have you talked about finances and continued financial support with your soon to be ex ?

Is the house owned or rented ? If owned then selling it should be considered to release some equity for you all.

It just seems you're putting yourself in a vulnerable position when you don't have to - especially if you and dh are friends and there's no urgent need for you to leave your family home.

LGJ wanders away, knowing she gave the same advice she would give in RL.

Hope it all works out.

lol Annie - I think you've been watching too many dramas on telly.

If there's someone else he must be wining and dining her on thin air - possibly in the back of the car (3door Fiesta??). I have access to his bank statements, mobile phones and internet. He has no money to buy himself beer - let alone a bottle of wine for a woman (or maybe it's a bloke ). We're both at home in the mornings (or I'm in bed and he's looking after DS2) then he's at work in the afternoon/evening until about 9pm. If I'm working he's home by 9.30 - otherwise he'll be home by about 10.

When I'm not working, and he's not working - we're both at home! I think I go out more often than he does .

i hope for you and your children that when your dp ventures into the wide world alone that he remains a decent human being and everything runs swimmingly.

however he might find 2 weeks on his own, the csa, finding a flat, money problems, ex partner and kids, lonliness? depression? maybe he finds new friends, new influences. he could turn into something unrecognisable.

the point is - its unknown. so plan wisely.

I'm not really bothered what he does with the house. I don't want his money (I'm actually going to have more than him anyhow!) and I certainly don't want to make him bankrupt.

We've only talked about seperation so far - neither of us has mentioned divorce so we'll cross that bridge when it finally comes and I'd rather get the seperation sorted and the boys settled into our new home before crossing bridges that are still a way off.

I can see what you're all saying - RL friends have said similar things before we came to this agreement (now having talked it over with them they can see where I'm coming from and think its ok) - but I guess it's easier to explain things in RL about someone you actually know than when I'm trying to explain to you all when you've never met either of us .

Anyhow - I really should get on - got a manic day today.

Sherlock LGJ
I'm leaving with you!

I can't offer any more advice. As someone else said, no matter how well you think you know him yo uhaven't been through this situation with him before - so maybe, just maybe he will behave differently from the way you expect.

All in all, it's your call. Please just be careful. Do everything you can to make sure you keep your boys - even if that means pissing your DH off a little in the process - he's old enough to get over it. Your boys need YOU.

if you own the house then it is partly your asset as well - not just his - you may find that your plans for work don't work out and you need that financial buffer to survive.

Also - the kids are still his - he should be contributing to their support - you talk as if you will be responsible for all of that when you split.

The sad fact seems to be that many amicable splits founder over arguements about money - so it is wise to consider all options and evenutalities now.

It also makes sense for whoever has the kids to stay in the family home until something more permanent is sorted out - it is much easier (and cheaper on a family's budget) for one person to rent rather than a family with young children.

I've already pissed him off - I'm having the boys and I'm sticking around longer than he (or I for that matter - just want to get it over with) would care for.

I know they need me - but they also need HIM, He's still their father and while he may not love me anymore, he adores those boys. I could see in his face how much it hurt him to say I could have the boys with me.

And besides - him having the boys in March means I can try and get some last few extra nights in for a bit more cash before I go on Annual and then Maternity leave.

that money is your childrens.

why would you just give it away.

i dunno. i give up. either you have money or you can't have been on bones of your arse in a council flat with your hands down back of settee for gas money - why just give it away?

i tooo walk off into shiny sunset singing christmas songs 2007

March is only 8 weeks away - can't you stay until you go on mat. leave at least?

Sorry to keep going on - it just seems bonkers (from an outside point of view) that you're leaving the family home when you're pregnant!

Or could he not move out and have the boys overnight on the nights you're working? There must be another alternative to you uprooting yourself and the boys - regardless of how much you don't like the house, it's their home and they're going to be facing so much change as it is - the baby coming along is enough of a change in itself.

You said your DH was a very reasonable man.
Why then when you said yourself it would be better to leave end of march beginning of April is he saying beginning of March?
How does he get to make that decision without thinking of what is best for your children fianancially and emotionally.