Well that's it - after 7yrs of marriage and 8yrs together DH and I are on the verge of splitting up

[fannyannie]

We had a long chat last night before I went to work about "us". And he admitted that he "resigned" himself to the fact that we were living as "friends" about 4 or 5yrs ago. I told him that I couldn't continue living like this - we're talking, not really arguing (that's something in itself!) but really just as friends nothing more. I gave him the option of relationship counselling or moving out as I couldn't live like 'friends' for the rest of our lives (I'm not quite 28!) and he refused counselling.

So I guess that's that. I'm nearly 18 weeks pg with DC3 (unplanned) and he's said he's happy for me to continue living here as long as I want, but I told him that once I'd had a chance to get a deposit and first months rent for a house/flat together then I'd have to move out. He seemed pretty shocked, but hasn't mentioned anything about it today (although I've been in bed most of the day having worked last night).

I still really love him, and desperately hoped that, although our relationship has been far from perfect for several years, we could give it one last proper go - but it appears not. He's an amazing father to our DS's and I feel awful breaking that up - but I just can't face living without any 'love' in our relationship.

I guess deep inside I knew it was coming - it was me that asked him to sit down and talk, but a big part of me wanted him to say we could give it one last shot - but it appears not.

I suppose I'm glad that at least I know where we're at, but it hurts like hell and I just don't know how I'm going to cope on my own - not worried about finances - I know I can afford a decent rented place, bills and food on my income, tax credits, child benefit and money I get from the church for playing the organ, just worried that I won't be any good at playing "mum and dad" to the boys - although I'll make sure that DH gets to see plenty of them - he won't have the same relationship with no.3 (which he wanted me to get rid of) as he has with the other 2 and I feel terrible about it.

This friend found out pretty quickly that there would be a room available though FA. I mean, you only confirmed things this morning.

Well, in fact, as you have just said - you havent given him your final decision yet.

I really really really dont want to see you get screwed over. He might love his boys to bits, but, he's already told you the limitation of his feelings for you. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

please please get legal advice, you need to cover your back, in particular with leaving your kids with him for a month. any decent lawyer will be giving you advice rather than encouragement for things to turn nasty and litigious later on. this feels dodgy to me -a heavily PG lady being turfed out for him to move a friend in, in March.

no VVV - it's been clear from Friday that we were almost certainly splitting up.

I'm not sure why he's being lambasted for moving quickly today to get things sorted - I've made a heck of a lot of phone calls today too.

I've had the advantage of talking to 2 seperate friends at work (during quiet night shifts), one friend for about 4hrs on Sunday afternoon, my Vicar this morning for nearly 2 1/2hrs and my parents for a good 1hr this morning too.

Not to mention you lot on here. Part of me suspected before I sat him down to talk last Friday that it was going to come to seperation (although obviously I hoped it wouldn't) and I'd been putting off talking to him for about a month - so I'd had plenty of time to do some forward planning - he hasn't had that.

I've got no intentions of trying to make him out to be the 'bad' one in all of this. We're both to blame in our own ways - but most importantly we have now (after doing the serious mudslinging and getting a few things 'off our chest') decided to get along (as we have actually been doing) and sort things out amicably.

We've been sat this evening watching TV talking, and even laughing, about things - and that's what we need to be able to continue to do. We've spent the last 5-6yrs bickering and fighting - think it's time to accept it's over and move on.

Of course I'm still going to get upset over this at times, and we've still got a long way to go with this seperation business but I truly believe that now we both have all our cards on the table we can remain on good terms.

MTS - I'm NOT being "turfed" out - I was the one who said I would leave - I want to get the seperation business sorted before DC3 arrives which is why I wanted April (ideally). But actually as my mum said earlier - if I leave the boys here for a month - it'll give me a month to get the rented place sorted out and get unpacked before they arrive so they won't have all of the living round boxes thing while I get sorted.

I realise that FA, I meant turfed out in the sense that in an earlier post you wanted to stay till end March to tie in with Mat leave, but that he said it had to be early March.

As long as you are very sure that your leaving the boys with him for a month won't be construed as abandonment or desertion if things get nasty - would he rather the boys lived with him?

I just don't want to think of you losing the boys because you're being so reasonable now. I know that sounds a bit melodramatic, but I can't not post now I've thought of it.

Still want to give you a big hug. How's your pregnancy going?

I haven't got a clue who you are, but I don't like the sound of the March thing. I know you've said you and your dh will be able to remain friends, it's the best thing etc.etc., but things can change and I'd just be very nervous of moving out without your boys - who are only 6 and 3 (?) and a month's going to seem like a very very long time to them, even if you see them every day - it won't be the same. I know you said it'll help you, but all the same, if there's even the remotest possibility things could get messy with your dh, then please re-consider and either take them with you or ask your dh to find somewhere else to stay. Good luck.

actually MTS - he initially send end of this week - and no way was I having the children with me.....so we've come a long way from that .

oooo - I SO wish I had the money for the deposit and first months rent now - I've just seen a GORGEOUS house for rent - its on a lovely street - still close to school/town/church etc etc - it's even got a garage......for my non-existent car .

Is there anyone from church, or family, that could take you in with your boys? Still worried about you leaving them!

Also, are you sure your pregnancy hormones aren't making things seem worse at the moment than they are? I know I got quite depressed during my pregnancy - things seemed so bleak... I'm not saying the problems you and dh have don't exist, but maybe they can be worked on once your baby is here?

But FA - if his gut feeling was to say there's no way you're having the kids, doesn't that tell you something? That's what he really wants to happen - that he wants them to stay with him. Please think carefully before leaving them for any length of time.

thanks HM - pg going well.......I know I'm going to get lambasted for this - but I'm afraid I'm having the occasional cigarette agagain.........it was either those or the large collection of wines and spirits which are in the cupboard...and which would probably be ended up being drunk all in one go .

Dotty - our living arrangements have been odd anyhow - I work nights ATM - so they often don't see me all day anyhow - as I'm sleeping! If they wake in the night when I'm at work - it's DH that currently goes to them - so they won't have a huge shock if DH suddenly goes to them when mummy isn't in the house.

TBH I'm more optomistic now of us doing this civily and respectifully that I was last night and first thing this morning. He really didn't want to have things get messy in court over the children - and I made it clear that if he didn't let them stay with me I would fight him all the way. That's when he relented and said I could have the boys with me - with the condition that he could still have regular access.........which would never have been an issue for me to give him anyhow.

I want the best for my boys - and restricting DH's access to them certainly wouldn't be the best thing.

Anyhow - I'm off to watch Secret Millionair in bed then I'll be off to sleep.

Haven't slept properly for days and now I know roughly whats happening with DH and I feel I'll be able to sleep easier - managed to get a few good hours this afternoon and I've got a busy day tomorrow - going to CAB and a few other things to check out in town tomorrow morning, then DH is having friend over in the afternoon - he needs to talk stuff over with someone outside the family too - and I'm taking the kids to Morrisons cafe for dinner - then I've got choir practice in the evening.

Plus the lightbulb has just gone in here so I can't see what I'm doing properly anyhow.

Hi FA
I 'know' who you are too (though for some reason I can't for the life of me remember your usual posting name iyswim!)

IO'm sorry it has come to this.

As others have said, I too am worried about you leaving your boys with him. I know you say that he won't do anything rash - but you don't know what external influences there are.

You might think that he won't take them back to his own country - but can you really be 100% sure? As someone else said, people do very rash things in these situations.

I can't tell you what to do, but please think carefully. I split up with my DH 13 months ago (though we have been back together since July). I kicked him out. We aren't in the UK (can you guess from the name) but living in his country. Anyway, when I kicked him out - even though I thought I 'knew' that he wouldn't do anything rash, there was a tiny part of me that wondered if he would

At that stage I started thinking...what the hell would I do if he DID take DD to his home town (which is about 1500km away from us here)?? Even though I have been there several times, I don't think I would be able to find it again - let alone find DD who he could easily send to one of his relatives. In these countries (my Dh's and your Dh's) it is EASY to make people disappear.

I know that you don't think he will take your boys - but what if he did? Would you be confident of finding them?

sorry to be blunt

Well I've been to CAB this morning - got proper advice on the boys issue too.

Got an actual appointment proper with CAB tomorrow so I'll be able to work out what's what then.

Re the boys thing - been advised that as long as DH and I put in writing, both sign it and have a copy of our agreement - if he tries to back out of it it'll look VERY bad on him.

I'm 110% positive he wouldn't take the boys to his 'home' country. Many reasons, some far too complicated to try and explain - but I'm not worried about that at all. But for starters if he hadn't met and married me he may well have ended up in the UK as a refugee because he was already pretty outspoken about the regime in that country before we left - and is even more so now!

Oh and another 'positive' came out of my trip into town today too - went to the bank to get a ministatement to see if 2 of the DD's had gone out yet and bumped into one of the mums from church/school. Don't know her very well - but her little girl gets on really well with DS2 and we do chat (though I didn't know her name).

It transpires that she's in the process of splitting up with her DH too. And like us, not because of anything 'sinister' (her words) but trying to work things out nicely as they still get along well as friends.

Well if you are sure he won't take them away, he won't mind you holding onto the passports will he ??

SarahinP

Back together, did he get his act together, is it working out ?

no I'm sure he won't haven't actually asked him yet though.

SherlockLGJ
Yes he has got his act together and has been working out fine so far until the last couple of weeks,....but then I have been a but psycho for some reason!

In general though, yes it is a WHOLE lot better and a lot of the things that were issues before aren't now.

Have been very pissed off with him in the last few days - but to be honest I think that is more me than him -dunno what is the matter with me at the moment.

(sorry for hijack)

FA
to be honest I wouldn't ask him about the passports - just do it

Sorry for hijack................

Could it be because you were away from home for Christmas, I am told it is not quite the same if the sun shines.

no I will ask him - I'll just say that I want the boys passports, birth certificates etc etc all together - I'm not going to start sneaking around 'taking' things behind his back. We don't hate each other and I'm certainly not out to get him!

oooo I LOVE my hot Christmases before coming back to the UK they were fabulous - had 3 of them in the sun and loved them all

SherlockLGJ
think that could be it! Combined with the fact that he doesn't 'get' Christmas cos he is Buddhist (which is fine) and that I had family here for 2 weeks.

FA - I know who you are too and I'm so sorry it has come to this.

You know your DH better than us, but please, please look out for yourself and your DC. Divorce brings out the worst in everybody, it really does.

Please don't put yourself in the position where your DH goes for sole custody on the basis of your abandonment of your children, which is what moving out will look like to a judge.

I know you are a Christian, but not everybody is or thinks like one. I'm really worried that your good nature will be taken advantage of.

You know your DH better than all of us, and of course he has a different background and so may think differently to your average divorcing husband, but please just look out for yourself and the DC, and your new lo.

"Please don't put yourself in the position where your DH goes for sole custody on the basis of your abandonment of your children, which is what moving out will look like to a judge."

The advice I have been given this morning (proper legal advice) is that if DH and I make this written agreement and both have a copy then it won't come down badly on me if we end up going to court over it.

I've got no intentions to back down on the plans so if he does it'll be him that's frowned on