Boyfriend has a child with ex

[Lily94]

Hello everyone

So, I have been in this relstionship for 4 months now and things have been going well. There's a 13 year age gap between my boyfriend and I. I'm 22 and he's 35.

My boyfriend has a son who's 10 with an ex. I get along great with his son and things were going really well. He has his son every weekend and a night after school every other week (ontop of the weekend).

I'm not sure why, but his ex has now suddenly started being really funny for what days he has his son. For example, he usually gets his son mid week say Tuesday-Wednesday then at the weekend.

A few weeks ago, it was my birthday on a Friday. We had made plans to go out as we were both free. He dropped his son off that Wednesday night and must have mentioned about my birthday and suddenly Thursday night he gets a call asking if he can have his son Friday, he already would have had him the weekend. So our plans got changed.

Friday is usually the only day/night we have together and now his ex suddenly wants my boyfriend to have their son Friday/Saturday and Sunday.

I'm not sure if I'm over reacting or what, I've never been in this situation before and I don't want to seem like I'm being unreasonable? I'm not sure if I'm not mature enough, or because I don't have kids myself that I'm not as understanding? I honestly don't know, but i just know that I like having at least some time just my boyfriend and I?

I know his child will always come first, and rightly so but do you think when I suggested he has him every other Friday not every Friday that its not acceptable? That's where our arguement started and now I'm not even sure if I am a horrible person who seems to be getting in the way of him spending time with his child :(

I guess I'm finding it difficult knowing that if we stay together, this woman is always going to be in his life and he seems to leT her have so much control over his life? Like he's not said well I'd quite like a day to myself as he's off Friday/Saturday and Sunday's.

Aw, of course he wanted everyone to know. He's mid 30s and divorced, you're 22! I'm sure he was very proud and wanted everyone to know he was shagging you. If he actually said he's 'not bothered either way' then he really is a cunt to OP and you deserve better. He might be a good dad but he's a crap boyfriend for you isn't he. When he's horny in a week's time and tells you how 'important' you are and begs forgiveness, do tell him to fuck off won't you. You're out of his league and he knows it.

[Wrote this before your last post where he said he wasn't bothered, so you have the answer]
Lily, I get what you're saying and think you've had an unreasonably hard time on here. I don't think you are unreasonable to want some couple time alone with your BF once a week either BTW. I'm dating a man who works odd hours, has 40% access with his child, and still manages to spend 1 day a week alone with me. This is because he wants to. Sure, there have been odd occassions where he couldn't see me because of his ex's work or his work, but on the whole we get to be a couple once a week. I don't think it's too much to ask.

However, she's not really the issue here despite her possible form for awkwardness when he gets a GF, your BF is for saying yes to the day change. So either the lack of 1-1 couple time doesn't bother him, or it does bother him and he's too spineless to tell his ex "sorry, that doesn't work for me, can we leave the arrangements as they are". Either way the relationship sounds doomed to me I'm afraid.

I think Uranus has summed it up well. What a twat

I feel really bad on his son..he said he was asking if he could see me this week and it would have been my weekend to spend with them next time. I know that's not my fault, but his son has done nothing wrong :(

That's exactly what I said, if you're not bothered then why talk about us having a future and letting me be a part of your sons life.. Better I found out how I suppose

Oh Lily, please don't spend another second of your life hankering after a man who "isn't bothered either way."

I bet you did a lot of the childcare too eh?

I am quite sure you can do better.

Honestly I'd knock it on the head. He sounds a bit .... hmm, crap? 'Not bothered' - I'd take that at face value and move on.

Just wanted to say sorry. I spent so long writing my reply to you that I missed tbe development x

Lily, I'm sorry that you've been hurt - none of it is your fault.

Like a pp said, the reason he wanted everyone to know is because he's 35 & you're 22.

You've had a lucky escape (i.e. before you got sucked in too deep), so just chalk it up to experience and move on.

You're 22! You've years of freedom and fun ahead of you, and you deserve to be someone's everything, not just a convenient trophy.

Best of luck for the future

Please walk away, he says he's not bothered and then adds guilt over his son.This man isn't 'nice', he overrode your feelings on the openness of the relationship, disregards arrangements he made with you, says he's not bothered but now wants to guilt you over his son.He should be the one worrying over his sons feelings.Do not accept responsibility for this, he is the parent not you.

Walk away, I'm a step parent, twice your age and know it's not an easy life. I would never recommend being a young step mum to anyone,

You can do better than "not bothered either way". Be glad you found out now.

"He said yes because he's a good dad and would rather look after his son than spend time with his gf of 4 months, even on her birthday"

This is bollocks (can't think of a nicer way to put that) - shitting over other people who are close to you (or supposed to be) like dumping them on their birthday is a cunty thing to do and sends a child completely the wrong message about treated the people in your life with are and respect.

My DS is 10 (not 20) and he was outraged (in a way that only 10 year olds can be) when no-one made an effort to do anything nice for my birthday. Becasue thats what he has learned over the years - that he isn't the only person that matters. That he might be the most important person in my world but he isn;t the only person in my world and that I sometimes do nice things for other people (like taking them out for their birthday) which means not being with him.

I think he gets that better than some posters on here and certainly better than the OP's boyfriend.

Jesus - how many married couple aim to get regular time alone together because it's good for them.

I don;t call this kind of behaviour being a good Dad. It's just taking the line of least resistance. HE doesn't want a scene with the ex and is relying on the younger gf to suck it up.

JEsus she's more worried about the effect of breaking up would have on the DS than the boys father is.

OP - you're in the honeymoon period, this is the best its ever going to be, it's all downhill from here.

I cannot see what you gain from this relationship ?

I can see what he gains, a young adoring young woman who hangs around him while he spends time with his son

At 22 it should be 2 of you out alone having fun !

I would cut and run, this relationship is going nowhere

His son is not your responsibility

Well Lily I think he wanted everyone to know because it boosted his ego to be seen with a 22 year old girl friend, but sadly he wasn't ready to spend the time and effort to make you happy.

This is just a guess, but you say you have known him some time, was he someone in a position of authority in your life, a teacher or coach perhaps? No need to answer that. But he seems to have offered you very little that a normal boyfriend/girlfriend relationship would include.

For him, as a man nearing his 40s, sex with a twenty year old would have been enough reason for a relationship, and you seemed happy to fit in with his life/child/Ex.
I hope you do finish with him soon, and are able to ignore any emotional blackmail about his child missing you, as that is not your responsibilty.

Spend some time thinking about what you want for yourself from a relationship before rushing into anything.

I hope you find happiness soon.

So basically he introduced you quickly and got you involved with his son to the extent he is actually asking for you after 4 months?

Pshh... By the sounds of it he wanted a young and gullible woman to entertain his son and impress his mates... Not a nice guy or a good dad...

Hi Lily, looks like you've tried to post elsewhere..... You've been getting quite a hard time on here! I'm a SM with DCs so can see it from both sides.
Like many PPs I agree that at 22 you should be enjoying life and having lots of fun, not getting annoyed about having to look after someone else's child every weekend.
You will never come before someone's child - birthday or no birthday! Get used to it or, (better option) leave.
The ex will Always be in the picture somewhere. Maybe she is unreasonable, maybe not. It doesn't really matter - your dp has decided to see his son every weekend and that's that.
Four months in, a relationship should be rosy and wonderful, full of expectation at the perfect life you'll have together ..... Is your situation really everything you dreamed of?
Of course nothing is ever perfect, but this early on and with you so young, you should be having more fun than this.
None of you are being unreasonable here imp, it just doesn't sound like the situation is going to work that well for you.
life is too short for shit like this. Go and find someone with less baggage. Good luck

If I was her, I'd be livid that he'd introduced you, so early on into a relationship. Think there's a compromise here but, I was so shocked at how soon into a relationship, you'd been introduced

God OP run for the hills. It's normal to want couple time at the start of a relationship. If this man can't give you that, bin him and find someone who can. You're 22, go have fun.

I don't see what's in this relationship for you, to be honest. It isn't simple for anyone negotiating situations with a split/children involved, but by the time you hit your late 30s/40s many potential partners have commitments and so it make more sense to give it a go and find a way of managing it even if you don't have children yourself.

At 22 you are ignoring the overwhelmingly large pool of men your age with few commitments who COULD give you their time - where there is a level playing field - to pick a guy who really can't. He would need to be pretty fabulous to be worth the hassle and it doesn't sound like he is!

You could do so much better, OP.

Tell you what I see: A mid-30s guy with plenty of baggage who finds it difficult to date because of his work and parenting responsibilities .. and along comes a 22-year-old who is handy for sex and hanging out around the house with himself and his kid, and who doesn't interfere with any of his other responsibilities and lifestyle choices.

I do not see "a boyfriend" in this picture at all. Just someone who is getting convenient gratification from a young, hot woman.

You don't need a big break-up scene. Tell him by phone that you have decided to move on, wish him well and let that be an end to it.

Tbh love, I'd say you should leave him to it.

I'd not wish baggage on anyone, and tbh, if an ex suddenly dumped all over my weekends every weekend, I'd be a bit and negotiate so that I could balance this to spend alone adult time and family time.

You're 22, you have shit loads more currency than him. Look for a guy with no commitments and start your lives together on the same page

I'm old enough to be your mum, this is absolutely what I'd say if you were my dd.

It's only 4m, you can and should end it before it drags on too much.

I have no child free days with just my partner, we always have at least one child with us ( three totally different arrangements) we occasionally, if it's the back end of the week and dp has a late Start, go for breakfast just us ( one at her mums one at his dads and the other at school) I'm not that much older then you op I'm mid twenties so I don't think it's age. I think it's just hard to understand if you don't have kids yourself.

My dp has two days off and his daughter comes over both those days, if he messaged her mum asking to not have her so he could spend time with me I wouldn't be happy, she's his priority.

If he wants to have his son on Fridays then that's obviously his choice and a valid choice but he needs to be realistic and accept that it means he probably shouldnt be in a relationship at the moment

why? should parents who are single not be able to seek a new relationship because they care for their children? The OP has accepted the man has a child by getting involved with the child at such an early stage in the relationship. She made choices there. Should the child now be cast aside because 2 nights was OK but 3 is just too much?

I do love him. That's why Im willing to spend the time with his son and him. I love that he's a great dad
you love him after 4 months? You are willing to spend time with him and his son? I am really struggling with that that means...willing

He's not a great dad. He has involved a very new girlfriend in his relationship with his child. He hasn't given a second thought to how his relationship might impact on his child - he had no way of knowing (and still doesn't) whether his relationship with you will work out long-term. But he's thrown his child in there anyway - what happens if it doesn't work and his son is attached to you? Just how many girlfriends will be be introduced to? (Hint: in 8 years, my children are on step mum number 6, all introduced immediately, all happy for their own children to meet my ex immediately in a new relationship (and I mean, immediately), all of whom have disappeared without a trace and have left visible distress and upset in my children when that happened). If I were the mother in this case, I would be less than impressed.

Lilly I think a lot of people have been quite mean to you here. You did have a point. It's quite normal to want to see a boyfriend. It's not nice of an ex to knowingly change days to ruin plans. It does happen. Some exes are nasty. My husband's ex used to do this to us a lot. She even tried to double book our wedding and prevent my DSS from coming (he was our best man and really looking forward to it). I have no idea why she did it, she was married to someone else, but seemed to like knocking our lives. It used to annoy me too in the early days. My DH didn't challenge her initially about it as he was scared of losing contact with his son. It doesn't go on forever. The child grows up and makes their own decisions, sees through the game playing.

But I'm glad you've seen this guy's true colours, it will make it easier to walk away and find someone more right for you. You're too young for all that. It was bad enough in my mid 30s! Walk away. Tell people. Tell your parents. They won't gloat, they were just worried about you getting into a life too old for you when you could be out living.

"You're 22, you have shit loads more currency than him. Look for a guy with no commitments and start your lives together on the same page"

This. Dont understand why everyone has been so harsh to the original poster!!!

If we do not make ourselves a priority once in a while, how on earth would anyone else bother to?

Our kids need to know that we are important too, and that while they will always be a top consideration, sometimes they come second to us.