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Original poster

Boyfriend has a child with ex

202 replies

Lily94 · 21/02/2016 09:10

Hello everyone

So, I have been in this relstionship for 4 months now and things have been going well. There's a 13 year age gap between my boyfriend and I. I'm 22 and he's 35.

My boyfriend has a son who's 10 with an ex. I get along great with his son and things were going really well. He has his son every weekend and a night after school every other week (ontop of the weekend).

I'm not sure why, but his ex has now suddenly started being really funny for what days he has his son. For example, he usually gets his son mid week say Tuesday-Wednesday then at the weekend.

A few weeks ago, it was my birthday on a Friday. We had made plans to go out as we were both free. He dropped his son off that Wednesday night and must have mentioned about my birthday and suddenly Thursday night he gets a call asking if he can have his son Friday, he already would have had him the weekend. So our plans got changed.

Friday is usually the only day/night we have together and now his ex suddenly wants my boyfriend to have their son Friday/Saturday and Sunday.

I'm not sure if I'm over reacting or what, I've never been in this situation before and I don't want to seem like I'm being unreasonable? I'm not sure if I'm not mature enough, or because I don't have kids myself that I'm not as understanding? I honestly don't know, but i just know that I like having at least some time just my boyfriend and I?

I know his child will always come first, and rightly so but do you think when I suggested he has him every other Friday not every Friday that its not acceptable? That's where our arguement started and now I'm not even sure if I am a horrible person who seems to be getting in the way of him spending time with his child :(

I guess I'm finding it difficult knowing that if we stay together, this woman is always going to be in his life and he seems to leT her have so much control over his life? Like he's not said well I'd quite like a day to myself as he's off Friday/Saturday and Sunday's.

OP posts:
Runner05 · 21/02/2016 16:56

OP firstly, you are not a bad person for wanting alone time with your BF or for not liking your BFs ex. (I'm a SM to two and can't stand the ex, it's perfectly normal as long as you make a point not to say anything about it in front of the kids)

That being said. When you date a man with children you basically have to accept that you may well have all the work and inconvenience of being a parent without the benefit of having a child of your own who you instinctively adore.
It may seem unfair to you that you don't get any weekend time together alone but his child will always come first and if you attempt to make him prioritise you (by getting babysitters or sending the child to grandparents so that you can have alone time) you will find that he will start to resent you for the time you're taking from his son.
Further down the line this may no longer be the case but as others have said, your relationship is still very new in the grand scheme of things and the way you behave now (ie gracefully accepting that the son will always be there and not making a fuss about it) will probably determine whether the relationship lasts or not.

I think at this point you only have a few options open to you.

  1. find a way to spend the alone time together during the week.
  2. modify your expectations. If you stay with this man the situation won't go away. There will always be a child involved, the ex will always be on the scene and your plans will always be cancelled in favour of DPs son. Also there is always a chance that in a few years the son will want to live with his dad and then you definitely won't get any alone time.
  3. accept that while you like/love this man you weren't prepared for the difficulties of dating a man with a child and all the associated complications that involves and call it a day.

I know the outcome you would obviously like would be for him to either change the Friday or agree to get a baby sitter now and then but I think you will find that this is unlikely to happen. He's obviously a good dad, being with his child is second nature and something he obviously wants, no matter how much he likes you he will always say yes to having his son no matter what you want and that's just something you will need to come to terms with (or not).

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

SoThatHappened · 21/02/2016 16:56

You've dated him for what four months?

Do it by phone. Doesnt have to be in person. Just tell him, this isnt working for me, I'm sorry but I dont want to date anymore.

Done.

RudeElf · 21/02/2016 17:04

Look any parent will tell you that children mean plans change. Yes he had plans and could have said no but you know what and i dont mean this to sound rude but as someone who doesnt have children i dont think you can understand why he said yes to having his own child. If i started recounting every single time i've had to change plans because of something to do with my DC i would be holding a shitload of resentment towards them and everyone who made the change necessary. I've had to cancel work, lost money, missed countless much needed nights out with friends, missed out on dates, lost boyfriends over it. Its just life with kids. Plans will change and this is how it will be as long as you are with him. Either get over that fact now and accept this is how it will be or end it and find someone who is childless.

SoThatHappened · 21/02/2016 17:07

She is 22 and of course she doesn't get why he would prioritise his own child.

She was only 12 when this kid was born. Old enough to be his big sister.

Best off out of it and with a man similar to her own age.

RudeElf · 21/02/2016 17:08

Its not her age, its that she isnt a parent. I got it at 22 because i was a parent.

VenusRising · 21/02/2016 17:12

Lily, get a babysitter like most parents!

It's rare I even see my DH apart from doing household chores, pick ups and drop offs at various after school activities. Weekends are spent ferrying kids, shopping and doing laundry, or seeing the elderly parents, and doing their shopping!

Occasionally we have an evening out, but that's because we get a sitter.

I presume you have a seperate bedroom to your DP's son?
That's where most parents find couple time, if at all!

Runner05 · 21/02/2016 17:12

I don't agree with the "she doesn't get it because she's not a parent" granted I'm a lot older than her but I don't have my own children (yet 6 months to go, yay!) but when I met my DP I got it and actively encouraged it even before I met the kids.

VenusRising · 21/02/2016 17:13

Or just break up and go out with someone your own age who doesn't have an Ex who seems to be running things.

SoThatHappened · 21/02/2016 17:14

Im not parent but I would get it. Im alot older than 22. At 22 I might have felt a bit more selfishly though. Less relationship experience etc.

Combination of both I think. Age and not being a parent.

RudeElf · 21/02/2016 17:15

Fair enough runner maybe it is her age. I dont know. I do know that for a lot of people without children they seem to have a lot more rigid idea of what being a parent is when the reality is a lot more muddled and grey area. Maybe you were lucky enough to have experience of lots of family life in a way the OP hasnt been?

Original poster
Lily94 · 21/02/2016 17:16

Yes, his son has his own room! But he doesn't sleep well, he'll cry and shout for his dad in the night so we don't have that time either...

OP posts:
SoThatHappened · 21/02/2016 17:18

make the call......

RudeElf · 21/02/2016 17:19

You have 5 other nights of the week to sleep with your boyfriend undisturbed. Yes yes you have shifts blah blah. Well this guy has a child. A child who is only getting 2 nights a week with his dad. Put yourself in his shoes. Would you think its fair that dad changed your contact because girlfriend of 4 months wanted the luxury of sleeping in your dads house without having to know you are there.

Runner05 · 21/02/2016 17:20

I was a only child in a very small family Elf so it may just be I'm a bit odd Wink

I was absolutely besotted with DP though and wanted him to be happy no matter what. Being a good dad makes him happy so I always supported that in any way I could.

Original poster
Lily94 · 21/02/2016 17:22

It's not the weekends though, as I accept that as its been like that since we met - it's the Friday that's where my issue is because it wasn't that before. Whether that's right or wrong, I can't help the way I feel about not having time not with his child.

I know it's not going to work because I want someone who can give me time to myself.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 21/02/2016 17:23

At 22 I'm not sure I would have seen the point of "going out with" someone who didn;t actually ever go out!?

I speak as a single parent of a 20 year old who also doesn;t sleep through the night and who never has a babysitter. I can;t imagine why anyone young free and single would put up with it.

shiteforbrains · 21/02/2016 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinklestein · 21/02/2016 17:24

Why should he get a babysitter? He doesn't have 24/7 custody. He only sees him 3 nights a week, so when his son stays he wants to be around him. Good on him, I'd make the same choice.

Soon enough his son will be a teen and won't want to hang out with his dad so much. This time will never come again.

I think he's right to prioritise a son over a 22 yr old who doesn't get parenting and won't last long. I'd regret prioritising someone who may well not stay in my life over my child.

Runner05 · 21/02/2016 17:24

Things change all the time when you have kids around. You can't write anything in stone.

It really does sound as if you need to be with someone who has far less responsibility in his life.

Kewcumber · 21/02/2016 17:25

A single paretn of a 10 year old (though to be fair I am old enough to have a 20 year old!)

MrsCampbellBlack · 21/02/2016 17:28

But come on - Friday and Saturday nights are surely the nights most people want to go out as you don't have to get up so early the next morning.

I just wouldn't be prepared to spend my Friday and Saturday nights at 22 sat on the sofa with my older boyfriend and his son no matter how delightful they both are.

I suspect it is a case of nice bloke but wrong time.

RudeElf · 21/02/2016 17:29

It's not the weekends though, as I accept that as its been like that since we met - it's the Friday that's where my issue is because it wasn't that before.

  1. friday is the weekend
  2. things change. You used to have child free fridays, now you dont. It will change again before this child is independant. I used to have every other weekend child free. Now i dont. Its how its is with children. It could change again and i mighy get a night out. If i dont? Well i chose to be a parent. You dont have to be in this relationship but your boyfriend chose to be a parent.
Original poster
Lily94 · 21/02/2016 17:30

Kewcumber, it wasn't until the day changed to a Friday that I really noticed it was an issue tbh!

We always had the Friday afternoon together because I finish work early and then I'd spend every other weekend with him and his son. It's only when ive realised that spending all my time with his son that I'm not as happy. I realise that makes me sound awful, but its how I feel. Obvduoidky things are different when it's the three of us, but his son is so lovely and I feel bad for even wishing I could just have some alone time. I know it's me who is the issue, and I've never dated anyone with children before. At least I know now I'm not ready to date guys with children..

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 21/02/2016 17:31

I just wouldn't be prepared to spend my Friday and Saturday nights at 22 sat on the sofa with my older boyfriend and his son no matter how delightful they both are

Me neither. But then I wouldn't have started going out with him in the first place. How did she think this was going to pan out?

NotthespecialONE · 21/02/2016 17:31

Really can tell who the bitter exs are on this thread that like to have their ex like a puppet on a string calling all the shots for him daring to move on.
OP his ex blatantly changed the day to spoil your birthday plans, so what if his ex wanted to go out why shouldn't she have got a babysitter herself?? It was the OPs birthday, how dare she want to spend that day with her boyfriend like any normal person in a relationship would... Jesus Hmm
Guaranteed if she got wind you had plans on a Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday etc she would again change the day!
Run for the hills....

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