Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend has a child with ex

202 replies

Lily94 · 21/02/2016 09:10

Hello everyone

So, I have been in this relstionship for 4 months now and things have been going well. There's a 13 year age gap between my boyfriend and I. I'm 22 and he's 35.

My boyfriend has a son who's 10 with an ex. I get along great with his son and things were going really well. He has his son every weekend and a night after school every other week (ontop of the weekend).

I'm not sure why, but his ex has now suddenly started being really funny for what days he has his son. For example, he usually gets his son mid week say Tuesday-Wednesday then at the weekend.

A few weeks ago, it was my birthday on a Friday. We had made plans to go out as we were both free. He dropped his son off that Wednesday night and must have mentioned about my birthday and suddenly Thursday night he gets a call asking if he can have his son Friday, he already would have had him the weekend. So our plans got changed.

Friday is usually the only day/night we have together and now his ex suddenly wants my boyfriend to have their son Friday/Saturday and Sunday.

I'm not sure if I'm over reacting or what, I've never been in this situation before and I don't want to seem like I'm being unreasonable? I'm not sure if I'm not mature enough, or because I don't have kids myself that I'm not as understanding? I honestly don't know, but i just know that I like having at least some time just my boyfriend and I?

I know his child will always come first, and rightly so but do you think when I suggested he has him every other Friday not every Friday that its not acceptable? That's where our arguement started and now I'm not even sure if I am a horrible person who seems to be getting in the way of him spending time with his child :(

I guess I'm finding it difficult knowing that if we stay together, this woman is always going to be in his life and he seems to leT her have so much control over his life? Like he's not said well I'd quite like a day to myself as he's off Friday/Saturday and Sunday's.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 21/02/2016 13:12

If this is what you're getting after only 4 months, I think you should ditch him and move on. I couldn't be bothered with all this drama. You should be having fun at this stage of a relationship.

gleekster · 21/02/2016 13:16

Lily you are 22. Why on earth would you saddle yourself to a bloke who has no free time to spend with you?

You should be going out and having fun, not playing at happy stepfamilies all weekend every weekend.

If you were my DD I would be quite concerned at you wasting your wild and carefree years like this.

I don't think your boyfriend is in the wrong at all, but he has commitments and responsibilities that are going to limit your relationship.

Twinklestein · 21/02/2016 13:30

I don't agree that his ex is the issue here. BF is being offered more time with his son and he's taking it. Good on him, his son should be his priority.

If the son lived with him you'd have to see him all the time.

Making a fuss and trying to get him to cut contact that his son may really value is not ok.

Your bf is being pulled in two directions you want to see him and so does his son. You're not mature enough to be going out with someone who's a parent.
There are plenty of men your age who will be happy to give you all the attention you need.

IamlovedbyG · 21/02/2016 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Blu · 21/02/2016 13:39

"Haha, so a single mum who ssplit with her partner when her son was 2 doesn't understand the strain of no free time?"

"A 'day off' from parental responsibility?
'Time off'?

These are the things we choose to sacrifice when we have children.

As a parent who has worked and been a stay at home parent I can 100% promise you that working and having a number of evenings to himself is MUCH easier than being a stay at home parent on '24 hr watch'."

The child is 10 so will have been at school for a minimum of 5 years - and presumably at his father's, as no, every weekend and one day a week every other day - so the mother has hardly been on 8 years of 24 hour lone-parent watch!

TheVeryThing · 21/02/2016 13:50

I don't think the dad is getting extra time with his son, though. I understood it was Friday instead of Wednesday.
I agree that you're far too young to deal with this, I'm in my forties and I wouldn't want the hassle.
There are plenty of lovely men out there, closer to your own age and with fewer complications.

ILikeUranus · 21/02/2016 13:54

He has been given the opportunity to see his child every Friday, and you want him to turn that down every other week so he can see you instead? If you think it's because he can't say no to his ex, you're wrong - you'll understand when you have kids - he has the choice to spend that time with you or his child, and (like any right minded parent) he's choosing his child. Why don't you see him mid week? Or just leave him for someone who's more free to have a relationship?

Allalonenow · 21/02/2016 14:01

Lily You are only 22, don't saddle yourself to a man much older than you who already has a complicated baggage filled life.

If you stay with him, your relationship will never be his prime concern, you will always come a mere second to his child and the demands of his Ex.
You have already discovered that this affects your birthdays, it will also affect Christmas and holidays and any other plans you want to make, for the foreseeable future; you are worth more than this.

Also, he is a man who left a two year old child and its mother, so how reliable would he be for your future? Has he been alone for those eight years, has he had other brief relationships, why did they fail?

Find yourself a nice young man closer to your own age, one without any children. Have some fun in your twenties, not all this angst and feelings of rejection. Thanks

itsbetterthanabox · 21/02/2016 14:14

What do you think single parents who have new partners do? They see them with their child as they can't just drop their child on a whim.
If a man were asking this it would seek ridiculous. It's only because we expert the mother to do the majority of the care that you and and others are even entertains asking him to have his son less.
See each other for an evening in the week. Or see if he can stay with family or a babysitter one weekend evening occasionally. The mother is not his babysitter.
I'm not a parent and in my twenties. I can't understand at all why you want to date a father much older. Get out and be free! Have your own hassles with your own kids when your older and ready.

Dontdrinkandfacebook · 21/02/2016 14:22

If you want to date someone who has children then you need to ask yourself would you be happy having them around 100% of the time, not just every other weekend, or two nights a week or whatever.

Because There is ALWAYS a chance that this is what your boyfriend could end up with. His ex could die or become ill or just change her mind about wanting to be the main resident parent and your BF's priority should always be his son.

If you are nor prepared to take that risk (and at 22 who could blame you) then you should walk away.

He was silly to allow you to have already formed a relationship with his son at this stage by the way,it's far too early.

SoThatHappened · 21/02/2016 14:34

At 22...run away. This is too much baggage.

lunar1 · 21/02/2016 14:38

Maybe the ex does have a reason for needing the Friday's, the reason just might not be any of your business.

HerRoyalNotness · 21/02/2016 14:41

There is nothing to stop your P booking a sitter so you can go out on a Friday night.

You're 22, like a pp has said, cut your losses, there are plenty of young, decent men out there that have no responsibilities.

Twinklestein · 21/02/2016 14:43

As I understand the OP, he has Tue/Wed plus Sat & Sun. He wants to add Friday to that.

I don't think a son is baggage.

Offred · 21/02/2016 14:46

My BF just said "nah, 35 and 22? If he has any mates that aren't knobs they'll think he's a total screff"

SevenSeconds · 21/02/2016 14:50

No Twinkle in one of her later posts the OP says "changed to a Friday instead of mid-week". So I think the contact will be the same amount of time but on different days.

RudeElf · 21/02/2016 14:52

I dont know of my weeks run differently to yours OP but mine have 7 days in each one. If this guy has his child Tuesday night everyother week and friday, saturday and sunday night every week. That still leaves monday, wednesday and thursday for you and him to have "alone" time. Its also entirely possible to be in the same house as the child on the nights when he is with his dad. He is 10, he goes to bed. Why is that not enough for you to have alone time on the sofa watching a movie? You realise you are dating a parent right?

BunnyTyler · 21/02/2016 14:57

RudeElf, I think the bf has his boy every week from Friday night through to Sunday, so 2 nights a week.
The mum has him Sunday night through to Friday afternoon, so 5 nights per week that bf is child free.

RudeElf · 21/02/2016 15:02

Oh so not even sunday night? OP phrases that funny. When she said he had him every weekend i assumed friday and sat night, then she said the mum wanted him to have him friday too so i assumed by "every weekend" Op had initially meant saturday and sunday night. But not even that? Just saturday night? And now friday and saturday night?

RudeElf · 21/02/2016 15:04

she is single and there's no reason for her suds belt wanting to change the day.

What, she is single so that means she has nothing going on in her life that she might need to change contact days? Hmm so anything less than a partner isnt a valid reason for wanting a night out of the house?

BunnyTyler · 21/02/2016 15:08

Yup, that's how I have read it.

Old arrangement:
1 x midweek overnight + Saturday through to Sunday
(2 nights, 2 full days)

New arrangement:
Friday through to Sunday
(2 nights, 2 full days)

No difference in contact time, just the time of contact changed.

Twinklestein · 21/02/2016 15:09

Well, whether he's changing contact days or adding an extra day - it's good that his priority is his son. Frankly a run of 3 days is more sensible, if possible, because it means less to-ing and fro-ing for the boy.

If the son lived with the father, he'd come as part of the package anyway.

Emeralda · 21/02/2016 15:11

Lily, this is not about your boyfriend, his son or his son's mother, it's about you and the sort of relationship you want. A man with kids will never put you first like a man with no children could, and that's quite right. But it might not be right for you, which is fine. You're the only one in this situation who is totally free to choose whether to stay or go.

I wouldn't have listened to anyone at 22 but the fact that you've posted indicates you were looking for advice. Is what you've read here any different from what your friends and family are saying?

Have a look at the step-parenting board for research, and then have a think about where you want to be in a few years time.

If it starts badly, it's unlikely to get any better.

BunnyTyler · 21/02/2016 15:13

'This woman' (the ex) has the boy for 5 nights a week, plenty of free time there for the father to pursue other interests / relationships.

BunnyTyler · 21/02/2016 15:15

Agree completely with Emeralda.