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Original poster

Boyfriend has a child with ex

202 replies

Lily94 · 21/02/2016 09:10

Hello everyone

So, I have been in this relstionship for 4 months now and things have been going well. There's a 13 year age gap between my boyfriend and I. I'm 22 and he's 35.

My boyfriend has a son who's 10 with an ex. I get along great with his son and things were going really well. He has his son every weekend and a night after school every other week (ontop of the weekend).

I'm not sure why, but his ex has now suddenly started being really funny for what days he has his son. For example, he usually gets his son mid week say Tuesday-Wednesday then at the weekend.

A few weeks ago, it was my birthday on a Friday. We had made plans to go out as we were both free. He dropped his son off that Wednesday night and must have mentioned about my birthday and suddenly Thursday night he gets a call asking if he can have his son Friday, he already would have had him the weekend. So our plans got changed.

Friday is usually the only day/night we have together and now his ex suddenly wants my boyfriend to have their son Friday/Saturday and Sunday.

I'm not sure if I'm over reacting or what, I've never been in this situation before and I don't want to seem like I'm being unreasonable? I'm not sure if I'm not mature enough, or because I don't have kids myself that I'm not as understanding? I honestly don't know, but i just know that I like having at least some time just my boyfriend and I?

I know his child will always come first, and rightly so but do you think when I suggested he has him every other Friday not every Friday that its not acceptable? That's where our arguement started and now I'm not even sure if I am a horrible person who seems to be getting in the way of him spending time with his child :(

I guess I'm finding it difficult knowing that if we stay together, this woman is always going to be in his life and he seems to leT her have so much control over his life? Like he's not said well I'd quite like a day to myself as he's off Friday/Saturday and Sunday's.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lily94 · 21/02/2016 15:31

My friends don't know what to say - they are all 21 or younger. I've just turned 22 a few weeks back and I've never dated anyone with a child before. Which is why I'm finding it very different!

I haven't spoke to my parents about this - as soon as they found out he had a child they were even more unimpressed..

I don't think it's going to last, because ultimately I want a boyfriend who can give me at least one day a week and this is no longer possible with my boyfriend. I know his child will come first, he's made that clear from the start but I guess a situation never really arose until my birthday where it had actually occurred, but like I already explained the mother openly admitted she could have asked her mother. The reason she wanted my boyfriend to have their son was because she wanted to go out to a party..so my birthday plans got cancelled because she wanted to go out..

As I've said before, we can't see eachother during the week because of our shifts at work conflicting.

I don't really notice an age gap to be honest for those commenting on that.

I know I could probnaly find someone else my own age, but I've got attached and my feelings involved. However, the longer I leave it the harder it will be..

OP posts:
Original poster
Lily94 · 21/02/2016 15:34

And for the contact. It used to be mid week and weekend so 3 times a week, but now it's Friday, Saturday and Sunday then whenever he gets a call from her asking for him to pick him up from school, give him tea etc.

OP posts:
RudeElf · 21/02/2016 15:43

Mid week and weekend is twice a week. Where sre you getting 3 time?

paxillin · 21/02/2016 15:53

Just do lots of fun things together with your boyfriend and his son, she will immediately change back to Wednesday seeing you get to be Disney SM and Disney dad. Go 10-pin bowling, have picnics and go to the cinema. You'll have your Fridays back in no time at all.

Duckdeamon · 21/02/2016 15:53

Your friends probably think it's all a terrible idea to date him and play stepmum (because it is), but are too polite to say so!

BunnyTyler · 21/02/2016 16:07

Lily, 2 nights a week are 2 nights a week whenever in the week they happen to fall.

2 nights & 2 full days are not a lot of time that he gets with his son (his mum has the rest) so I'm not surprised really that he doesn't want to reduce it.

At 22 and with no ties of my own I completely expected the world to revolve around me in my relationships, and that's perfectly fine and reasonable I think; that's why I would never have got with someone with kids at that stage of my life.

Seriously, if it's already becoming an issue then it's really not a good idea to keep seeing him. Bin him and move on.
(I mean that in the nicest way btw).

Robotgirl · 21/02/2016 16:13

Haven't seen the whole thread but as a single mum whose ex basically ditched his DD when he met his younger & child-free GF, I'm gonna say RESPECT to your boyfriend who is (rightfully) putting his child first.
If you're not happy, move on, love.

Kewcumber · 21/02/2016 16:15

If I had birthday plans and on short notice I was dumped - I would see the writing on the wall. It's not difficult to say "So sorry I already have plans".

I'm not sure how people are adding up Friday, Sat Sun plus one other night in the week as 2 nights though. I think it's irrelevant - the issue is that your boyfriend doesn't value you enough.

Twinklestein · 21/02/2016 16:17

So there is some extra contact. All to the good. Why should son have to hang out with granny when his father's available?

It's ok for son's mother to want to go out, and it's really none of your business. You think she's making plans to upset your life, but this is normal parenting.

Next time, think a bit more carefully before getting involved with a man with kids.

MrsCampbellBlack · 21/02/2016 16:18

Why won't he get a babysitter? That just seems so odd to me.

If he won't do that ever then I really would finish it - you are 22 - you don't want to be sat in every Friday and Saturday night!

BunnyTyler · 21/02/2016 16:24

Kew, the 1 night in the week was changed to the Friday night, so still just 2 nights per week.

Original poster
Lily94 · 21/02/2016 16:25

The point is, he wasn't available we were going out and she knew that. It wasn't an arranged day for him to have his son then, but he just said okay without thinking about our plans. Yes, his child comes first, but it was like she had done it on purpose and has even admitted she knew we had plans but still did it.

OP posts:
scarlets · 21/02/2016 16:29

He is nearing middle age and has a child, whom he rightly prioritises. This is fine if you're aged 30-40 with children of your own, but at 22 and childless, you could be out having fun with friends and meeting far more suitable guys. You're too young to be fretting about stepparenting and awkward exes.

Original poster
Lily94 · 21/02/2016 16:31

Not sure why he won't get a babysitter - I've said even just once a month so we could get some time together.

And for those saying he must go to bed, yes but he doesn't sleep very we dont really get that time either.

Like I've previously said, this is all new to me. you can think bad of me for wanting a boyfriend who actually has time for me, I don't see why I'm seen as immature or bad for that. It's totally normal. I bet of you didn't know my age you wouldn't call me immature. Until the days have been changed it wasn't really an issue, but now it is for me.

And for those saying the mother might not be doing this on purpose, he's said in the past she done the exact same, changing the days etc. But he just puts up with it.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 21/02/2016 16:34

Stop fixating on his ex. The reason there is an issue is because he has a son. It's his choice. He wants to be a good dad and is happy to have his son any extra days he's offered. Quite right. I would take the same myself.

It's quite immature and self-absorbed to think that this woman is trying to get at you when she split with her ex 8 years ago.

However, she may not be happy you've been introduced so soon and I wouldn't be either. I don't think you're going to last.

lunar1 · 21/02/2016 16:35

Why don't you get this, it doesn't matter what the ex knew and didn't know. She asked, he said it was fine. The only one that dropped you on your birthday is your boyfriend.

The only person I talk about child care with is dh, if he left me he would still be the only person I would talk about childcare with. I wouldn't start consulting random girlfriends if they had plans with dh, that would be for him to make decisions on.

Twinklestein · 21/02/2016 16:37

No-one thinks ill of you for wanting a bf who spends time with you, we're just telling you that this is not the guy. Nor any father - their priorities should be their children.

ILikeUranus · 21/02/2016 16:39

Well, how very dare she have a life and go out somewhere, eh? And when she has the cheek to do so, how dare she offer the time with her child to the child's father who the child wants to see and who wants to see his child? Surely a babysitter or nanny should've had the child while the dad went off to a party with his new girlfriend?! What a bitch, living an actual life, like an actual person. Get over yourself OP. His life is never, ever going to revolve around you, and his ex-wife's certainly isn't! You're better off out of the whole situation.

Whocansay · 21/02/2016 16:41

OP, you are not expecting too much. But you won't get what you need in this relationship because your boyfriend will not prioritise you. Stop agonising and move on. Life's too short.

Original poster
Lily94 · 21/02/2016 16:47

Ilikeuranus you clearly haven't read the whole thread! My boyfriend told her that we were going out then suddenly he gets a call for that Friday (he wouldn't have usually had him on that day). She gets every weekend free as he's at his dad's and while he is at school so it's not like I'm stopping her from living her life. you say that she deserves to go out, well my boyfriend does too.

I know this isn't going to work out now

OP posts:
Offred · 21/02/2016 16:48

You are noticing an age gap though because you want someone who gives you undivided attention and to be unecumbered by the responsibilities of having a family as is normal at 22. He however is 35 and has a child and either can't give you that or doesn't want to because he is in a different stage of life, as is normal for him at 35.

Original poster
Lily94 · 21/02/2016 16:50

Yes I see that now Offred. I meant before the days got changed.

I guess it's better finding out now then later on.

OP posts:
Allalonenow · 21/02/2016 16:50

Lily You have only been going out with him for four months, yet already his actions and choices are making you unhappy.

These first months should be the best time in a new relationship, having fun, going out and about, getting to know each other by sharing things. You don't seem to be doing very much of that at all.

This is the best this relationship will ever be.

There is a big wide world out there, get out into it and enjoy it, leave this man, his child and his Ex behind.

Offred · 21/02/2016 16:53

You could equally say BTW that if spending alone time with your BF is so important (birthday incident aside) you could change your job around to fit better with his life and his responsibilities (though at 22 this would be utterly insane and is really just another reason this relationship isn't a good idea).

He is a 35 year old with a child and a difficult ex. He's not as into you as you are him because he was happy to not bother with your birthday and TBH for a 35 year old parent he may be thinking it's just not that big a deal when he has only been dating you 4 months. You at 22 feel it is a big deal and 4 months is an established relationship - it is not, not when you are a parent and not when you are 35 - for most ppl anyway.

That's the reality you are dealing with. You either want it or you don't IMO

Original poster
Lily94 · 21/02/2016 16:53

Allalonenow you're right, thanks. I guess it's just harder than I thought. Plus, I don't know how to even break up with him as I obviously can't do it while his child is there but we literally get no time alone Hmm

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