Boyfriend has a child with ex

[Lily94]

Hello everyone

So, I have been in this relstionship for 4 months now and things have been going well. There's a 13 year age gap between my boyfriend and I. I'm 22 and he's 35.

My boyfriend has a son who's 10 with an ex. I get along great with his son and things were going really well. He has his son every weekend and a night after school every other week (ontop of the weekend).

I'm not sure why, but his ex has now suddenly started being really funny for what days he has his son. For example, he usually gets his son mid week say Tuesday-Wednesday then at the weekend.

A few weeks ago, it was my birthday on a Friday. We had made plans to go out as we were both free. He dropped his son off that Wednesday night and must have mentioned about my birthday and suddenly Thursday night he gets a call asking if he can have his son Friday, he already would have had him the weekend. So our plans got changed.

Friday is usually the only day/night we have together and now his ex suddenly wants my boyfriend to have their son Friday/Saturday and Sunday.

I'm not sure if I'm over reacting or what, I've never been in this situation before and I don't want to seem like I'm being unreasonable? I'm not sure if I'm not mature enough, or because I don't have kids myself that I'm not as understanding? I honestly don't know, but i just know that I like having at least some time just my boyfriend and I?

I know his child will always come first, and rightly so but do you think when I suggested he has him every other Friday not every Friday that its not acceptable? That's where our arguement started and now I'm not even sure if I am a horrible person who seems to be getting in the way of him spending time with his child :(

I guess I'm finding it difficult knowing that if we stay together, this woman is always going to be in his life and he seems to leT her have so much control over his life? Like he's not said well I'd quite like a day to myself as he's off Friday/Saturday and Sunday's.

I did wonder Kew about your 20 year old

I don't think a sitter would be a good idea, the child needs his dad when he visits, not a sitter. do people really do this when they are separated from their dc all week?

OP, it is great that your bf is happy to have his dc more often and is flexible regarding his care.
However, if he refuses to see that you too have a place then he isn't worth worrying about.
I too agree with others I'm afraid, it doesn't matter how long you've known him until your relationship is rock solid, as in getting married, moving in together you shouldn't be in the child's life.

I am happily married btw, so not a bitter single parent as was described above.

Really can tell who the bitter exs are on this thread that like to have their ex like a puppet on a string calling all the shots for him daring to move on.

What a fucking goady, twatty thing to write.

Lily, nobody (as far as I can make out) thinks you're a bad person for wanting to have complete devotion and attention from your bf at what should still be in the besotted early stages.
It's just that you are never going to get that with a father who is committed to seeing his child like your bf is.
4 months is nothing, move on.

I've been told to get over myself, that I'm immature, bitter, jealous just a few so some people do think bad of me, which is why I've said it doesn't make me a bad person wanting that..and saying that it's not 'on' for me to upset that my birthday plans got ruined.

We are in different stages of our lives, I've just graduated university, started a full time job in my career and he's obviously older with a child.

I can see now that my boyfriend doesn't seem to care that we have no time just is, so it's not going to work. I need at least some time just the two of us and that isn't going to happen.

We have been friends before we dated, so I knew his child before I became his girlfriend.

I was in this situation at age 23/24.

Boyfriend was 9 years older with 2 children aged 7 and 9.

Utter hell. I ve never come across such horrible, nasty, bitterness in all my life!

RUN RUN RUN

Too much baggage here, you will have this for years to come.

Ilikeuranus you clearly haven't read the whole thread! My boyfriend told her that we were going out then suddenly he gets a call for that Friday (he wouldn't have usually had him on that day). She gets every weekend free as he's at his dad's and while he is at school so it's not like I'm stopping her from living her life.

I have read the whole thread. SO what if she called him at late notice and knew you were going out? If she wants to go out on any night, she can. Maybe something important came up, maybe she just fancied a night out, maybe she just wanted a night alone - we don't know and it doesn't matter. The fact is, she can go out whatever day she wants/needs to, completely without regard to your plans. And when she goes out, she will offer for his dad to look after him before handing him over to grandparents/babysitters - it's up to the dad then to say yes or no, so it's not her ruining your plans for a start, it's him - he could say no. He said yes because he's a good dad and would rather look after his son than spend time with his gf of 4 months, even on her birthday. You can't blame him for that, it's his son!

And I'm still with the father of my kids thanks, no step children, so clearly you can't tell who the 'bitter ex's' are! I'm just commenting as a parent who would make the same choice as this bloke.

The ex is a red herring here tbh.

My DP has a son and every other weekend with him. We get phone calls asking for extra days and nights. If we don't have plans, he says ok - but he always checks with me first that there's nothing important planned that we can't do with him (like a wedding invite etc) if our plans can change, I change them, but sometimes they can't. But the big thing is my DP talks to me about it. We make an effort to try and have a night every few weeks (I have children too so am tied to one night a week) but I entered into this whole relationship knowing there was a big chance that SS could live there full time. And that's ok.

Even when we were dating early on, he would consider me (I didnt meet ss until four to five months in) as he wanted a future with me.

But we are both in our thirties, both divorced, both with kids. We have something in common.

Being with someone with a past is bloody hard work. Walk away now tbh.

Nobody said you couldn't be upset about your birthday, but why are you blaming the ex? That's what we don't get. Your boyfriend made the decision.

'Plus, I don't know how to even break up with him as I obviously can't do it while his child is there but we literally get no time alone hmm'

Text him or phone him. 'This isn't working for me. I think it's time for our relationship to end. I need to move on.'

Do yourself a huge favour and go out with people who don't have baggage like this. Why make your life harder?

Earlier you said he has his son every weekend, but in your latest post you say it was eow. Which is it? Or has the pattern recently changed?

Either way, this is obviously going to be a dull relationship (at best) for someone at your age and stage of working and social life.

As Pps have said, your anger towards his ex is misplaced: it's your bf whose choices and actions you don't like.

Knowing him before you dated (35yo men rarely want to be "friends" with 21yo women by the way) doesn't make it Ok that you've spent time with his son as his gf. But that's your bf's problem if you break up, not yours.

But she knows he won't say no. the more I think about it, the more I realise I don't think I could cope knowing he will always have to answer to her and she can impact on his life so much..

He's openly admitted she has been difficult in the past and changes days when he gets into relationships. So I'm not just assuming she is being awkward.

Tooaswellalso, see, that's what I would like to happen. If he had of said the mother wants me to have their son, but it wasn't. It was just were not going out anymore because i am now having him..I know I'm never going to be first and his child is more important. He's a good dad and he deserves someone who knows how to deal with all of this. I don't and I'm not happy because I've only ever had boyfriends who can give me at least one day a week!

As I've said before, this issue wasn't apparent until the day was changed, so it never occurred to me what it was like only having time with his child too. I do enjoy spending time with them both, but I prefer having at least one day a week just being able to do what I want.

I think you're making the right decision by moving on OP & for the right reasons. Don't let him try to dissuade you. This is all far too much at your age. I'm sorry for some of the responses you got on here, they were undeserved.

What we would like to happen often enough does not. It's just how it is. Move on. It's only been 4 months.

Duckdeamon the bf has his DS every weekend and the OP spends every other weekend with them and leaves them to have time together the other weekend.

knowing he will always have to answer to her and she can impact on his life so much..

He isnt a victim here! He makes his own decisions. He is impacting on his own life.

Wow OP - bet you're sorry you posted

But she knows he won't say no. the more I think about it, the more I realise I don't think I could cope knowing he will always have to answer to her and she can impact on his life so much..
You're still missing the point, it's not her it's him.
He's 35, a grown man with his own mind and voice.
He can say 'no', he chose to say 'yes'.
He doesn't have to 'answer to her' and she is not 'impacting on his life', his son is impacting on his life. He is putting offered time with his son ahead of a gf of 4 months.
*
He's openly admitted she has been difficult in the past and changes days when he gets into relationships. So I'm not just assuming she is being awkward.*
And everything he says is absolutely true and unbiased?
Perhaps his ex would have a different version of events?

His ex is allowed to live her life however she wishes without having to take you into account, she asked his dad if he could have him - he said yes. She asked if he could change the contact arrangement, he said yes.
The ex has done nothing wrong, your bf could have said no at any time, but didn't - presumably because he's quite happy with the changes. If not, then he should have said so to her in the first place instead of bitching after the event.

Posters saying you are immature are not being nasty, they are right - I was immature at 22, lots and lots of 22 yr olds with no ties are hugely selfish and immature and that's perfectly OK. It's when you have kids and responsibilities that you start to mature and view things differently.

^^Exactly.

He can say no, he chooses not to because he wants to see his son.
It's his choice. And it's a good one.

My DPs ex does this. Yes ok you can say she's entitled to ask their father to swap a day to give her a night free for whatever reason, and yes you can say that the OPs DP didn't have to agree to it.

However, having seen this myself in my own life,I suspect that the ex knows she holds the cards because she knows the father won't say no, because he would not want to feel like he rejected the chance of more time with his children. The ex may well make him feel bad for ever saying no, or he may just feel it himself.

Take that forward to the new arrangement of having the DC every weekend night from now on, and the OPs DP will feel the same way about getting a babysitter in on one of the nights his DS is 'visiting' him. Again, his own guilt or put there by his ex, or bit of both.

Why should it be ok for the ex to say she's changing days because she has new plans, but it's not ok for the dad to say 'actually, Friday nights don't really work for me. How about we move it to Monday's instead'?

It's a shame he's in a situation where he hasn't/can't do that, but that seems to be the case, sadly for you.

His ex will continue to manipulate if that's what she's doing (might not be, but the birthday thing suggests possible).

Tell him how you feel and that the relationship as it stands will not work for you.

If he then sees the light and wants to discuss an alternative plan to take your/his own needs into account, then see what he comes up with. Because they are his needs as well if he wants a relationship with you.

The sound of grinding axes on this thread is deafening.

So a mother asking a father to have a child on a day beyond the agreed pattern is 'extra time with his child'. A mother being asked to have a child on a father's designated day is often greeted on MN by howls of him not taking responsibility, 'say no' 'it's his childcare day, it's his responsibility to find a babysitter' , etc, etc, never the mother being 'allowed' or 'enabled' to spend more time with her child as a result of the Dad wanting to go to a party!!

Of course the father , on this case, wanting to spend time with his son is great.

But this is a Dad who works shifts and parents at weekends while the Mum is a SAHM, with a mother of her own who can, by her own admission, babysit when required.

OP: your instincts are right. See how he responds now that he HAS thought about the implications for your relationship. He needs to think what he can give a relationship - any relationship - that is compatible with his parenting, and behest about that.

Can you not go out on weeknights? Can't he?

His shifts and mine don't allow us to se each other during the week. i work until 11pm and he works in the morning but finishes earlier.

I've told him that I don't want to stop him from seeing his son and I'm glad he's getting to spend more time with him, but I like to have some time just the two of us. He said that is my decision and he's not bothered either way lol. I think clearly I care more about our relationship then he does. I just don't understand why he pushed to be with me so much, for him to turn wound and say all this..I knew my parents wouldn't be happy so I said for us to just see how things went. Not making it offical or anything, but he wanted everyone to know. I dunno..but thanks for all your advice

Hope you're ok, Lily

Hi Lily. I just wanted to offer you some advice based on my personal experience.

Take a step back and Take a long hard think about what you want out of this relationship..

I dont think the age gap is that big a deal in fairness, and dont really see why some posters are more concerned with that factor.

I dont see how either of you are at fault he sounds a fab dad and you seem pretty understanding. The mum sounds like shes been awkward....ive had to take plenty of that over the years off my step sons mum. Best thing to do is not give her any info about your relationship.

You need to be totally honest with bf, take a break if needs be and then see how you feel.

I honestly wish you well. X

'Not bothered either way' about you ....but was 'bothered' enough to introduce you to his ds.

Awful