Boyfriend has a child with ex

[Lily94]

Hello everyone

So, I have been in this relstionship for 4 months now and things have been going well. There's a 13 year age gap between my boyfriend and I. I'm 22 and he's 35.

My boyfriend has a son who's 10 with an ex. I get along great with his son and things were going really well. He has his son every weekend and a night after school every other week (ontop of the weekend).

I'm not sure why, but his ex has now suddenly started being really funny for what days he has his son. For example, he usually gets his son mid week say Tuesday-Wednesday then at the weekend.

A few weeks ago, it was my birthday on a Friday. We had made plans to go out as we were both free. He dropped his son off that Wednesday night and must have mentioned about my birthday and suddenly Thursday night he gets a call asking if he can have his son Friday, he already would have had him the weekend. So our plans got changed.

Friday is usually the only day/night we have together and now his ex suddenly wants my boyfriend to have their son Friday/Saturday and Sunday.

I'm not sure if I'm over reacting or what, I've never been in this situation before and I don't want to seem like I'm being unreasonable? I'm not sure if I'm not mature enough, or because I don't have kids myself that I'm not as understanding? I honestly don't know, but i just know that I like having at least some time just my boyfriend and I?

I know his child will always come first, and rightly so but do you think when I suggested he has him every other Friday not every Friday that its not acceptable? That's where our arguement started and now I'm not even sure if I am a horrible person who seems to be getting in the way of him spending time with his child :(

I guess I'm finding it difficult knowing that if we stay together, this woman is always going to be in his life and he seems to leT her have so much control over his life? Like he's not said well I'd quite like a day to myself as he's off Friday/Saturday and Sunday's.

If your BF is committed having him all three nights of every weekend, he should find a baby sitting solution so that he at least gets to go out one evening a week. That's what the rest of us parents do when we have children and still want some grown-up time

Look, at 4 months in a relationship should be light and fun. This is nether of these things. You are already getting het up about his contact arrangements with his child which are none of your concern. 50/50 residency arrangements are becoming increasingly common - it has nothing to do with parents getting free time and everything to do with the child having a meaningful relationship with both parents. If your BF feels that the current arrangement needs to be changed then that is for him to work out with the child's mother.

I'll say it again - I would consider ending it if I were you. This really doesn't have 'longevity' written all over it.

She could call her my bfs ex - this woman just seems hostile, and if anyone referred to me as that woman they'd be coming nowhere near my child.

You knowingly entered into a relationship with someone who has a child, so part of an existing family unit Either you accept that he will continue to have a relationship with his ex due to their shared responsibility for their child or you cut your losses and walk away now, find some one with more time to share freely. He could formalise contact days through the legal system but maybe he prefers the flexibility. He doesn't have his son all week , what do you do on the other evenings?

Can't you get a babysitter on the Friday night if you have him?

Instead of getting into a tit for tat situation,just book a sitter and go out anyway. It's not rocket science :)

And for what its worth OP I dont think you're a shit person, I just think you want more of your bfs time than he can give you, and you either need to accept it or find someone without commitments.

I don't think I can say anything on here without being called.

I don't know why I'm being called names for wanting to have some time with just my boyfriend. Surely that's normal, and like I've said numerous times. Suddenly it's just been changed to a day which we usually had together.

Yes 4 months might seem too soon, but that wasn't my choice!

I think I'll go to the step board parenting like another poster suggested.

Thanks

He works and I work during the week so we don't get to see eachother. He won't get a babysitter so that's not an option.

Hi OP - unfortunately you have stubbled into La La land on here.

You have dared to even question an access arrangement/ anything to do with wanting time in your new relationship and, horror of horrors, you haven't spoken of the first wife/mum of child as a goddess!
The leading questions that try to paint you as the OW have also happened.

It is strange to change arrangements like that and yes it is strange that the mum would now not have ANY weekend with her child.
No I don't think it was too early to introduce you especially done in a friend get closer way. Also as the parents of the child have been separated longer than he can remember.

If this is how it will be then babysitting will have to be looked into as it would be nice for you to go out just with your bf.

However I think the whole situation will be problematic and at 22 I would be looking for someone with no issues.

O/p you will get a hard time here whatever you say.

Yes, like others have said, it's early days, it's his son, and not really anything you have any input in.

But. Is your dp happy to have his son f-s every weekend? And midweek as well? If he is, then you have to reconsider your relationship knowing all his free time his son will be there. That's your decision.

Otherwise support him on asking for a more even split-maybe f/sat one weekend, sat/sun the next, and an extra weekday night?

What do you think parents who still live together do for alone time? Why should you be entitled to alone time just because the child isn't yours?
You are coming across like a spoiled brat. Parents who have children can still make time for each other. You need to see the son as part of him and not as someone who just gets in thwart of you spending time with your boyfriend.

Hmm, this doesn't seem fair to me on either your DP or his son. Unless the Mum suddenly got a job working Friday -Sunday, your previous arrangement sounded very fair, especially for a school -age child. If he is spending from Friday to Sunday with you as well as one weekday in the week that doesn't give him a lot of time with his Mum. If she is spending the whole of the weekend having "me-time" and your DP has no child-free time at the weekend then it isn't fair. Nobody would say this were fair if a couple had a child within a relationship and one parent did all of the parenting at the weekend while the other did as they pleased. OP, you might be better off posting on the step-parents board.

*in the way not thwart.

I'm not really sure what your looking for, you will get similar responses on the step parenting board too.
It's totally normal to want to spend time with your boyfriend but he has chosen to have his son on the days you are free and that's his choice to make.
Your choice is whether you can be in a relationship where you have no nights out together.
If that's not what you want then you need to find a new relationship.
As I said I was in a similar situation and if we hadn't had the odd time that he was at grandparents/sleepovers we probably would have broken up as it's hard to build a relationship when your time is always spent with kids!
Also stop focusing on his ex, all she did was ask, he made the choice to say yes.
It's easy to direct your problem at her but usually what you think is an ex problem is actually a partner problem.
If you don't change your focus then it's going to make things much harder for you

Well he is being ridiculous re babysitter

I understand your feelings on this. I understand his ex's viewpoint too, though I'm not sure why she's foregoing seeing her DS all weekend, every weekend.

As the dad, though, I'd probably jump at the chance to spend more time with my child.

Is it impossible for you to spend some weekday evenings together?

Did you used to go out every Friday? What time does the DS go to bed?

As a parent who lives with her kid's dad, we very rarely go out together, though we do separately. Most of the time we spend together is at home when the children are in bed. I think if you want to be with someone who has a child then that's going to be your new normal. I wouldn't personally have enjoyed that at 22, but I'm quite happy with it now at 34.

Could you suggest that he occasionally hire a sitter so you two could get out? Many parents hire a sitter from time to time, and are still good parents with well adjusted kids. Ask him to do so on the next upcoming occasion and see how it goes? If you want more romantic alone time he could hire a sitter and go to your place, but he probably would go home at the end of the night.

My dp also has his DCs every weekend, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday am.

I tend to do my own thing if I'm child free on any of those days and see him on a Sunday, Monday or Tuesday night (and weds are 50/50) Sometimes we all get together, but I learned early on that a bit of space is healthy for everyone.

It will always be like this, if your DP dps ex doesn't care about you having a night to yourself for your birthday (and in fact could be actively sabotaging that) then be prepared to always be changing arrangements and coming second.

I agree that good parents put their DCs first AS A RULE but there are times when as a couple, it's important to have some time alone, so if he's not willing to stick to that once in a while, resentment will build and you will never feel truly cherished. At your age that is a crying shame.

Sorry to say it, but I think you should start to detach from him, only see him when he is child free and decide if that is enough for you. As a long term prospect, imagine how complicated your life will become if you ever have DCs with him. The guilt some parents have when they're home with one child and missing the others, the different treatment on birthdays and holidays, it all causes arguments and stress. The fun and games of blended families is not for the faint hearted and I think at such a young age without any other commitments you should be having a whale of a time every weekend, not playing happy families.

Oops, just saw that he won't get a sitter.

Just seen the babysitter comment. Walk away OP - yes he can decide when he wants to see his son but actually it is not okay for the child to spend so little time with his mum.

If he won't even consider a babysitter then he is making his feelings for you clear. You will always be at the very bottom of the pile.

I have 4 DSC, I was 24 when I met their dad and them.

His ex pulls all the strings, changes when we have them, how long we have them for, phones and demands them back half way through 'Our day', will only send one of them and won't let the others come, plans days out on our weekends so that we can't have them. I could go on....
I have never ever ever got in the way of him seeing them or whinged he was having them on one of 'our days'

Basically, you need to get used to your DP having to put someone else before everything in their life. And you need to get used to your plans changing last minute and be ok with that, because if his ex wants to make his life hard, then trust me, he'll jump through her hoops so he can see his son and you'll have to suck it up and grin and bear it.

We have a son together and if for whatever reason we split up, and he met someone else and put her before the DSC and DS, I would be beyond annoyed. I see it both ways now!

If it's already this complicated 4 months in, I would call it quits.

I'm not comfortable with the idea of a 35 year old man who chases after 22 year old women. He wants to continue to live his life exactly how he chooses but with the extra bonus of you on tap for regular shags plus probably to show off to his ex and friends - look, I've pulled a 22 year old.

You need someone nearer in age and life stage to you for whom you can be a priority not down the bottom of an existing list of priorities.

If he only sees you one night a week and won't get a babysitter or renegotiate contact then he is pretty much giving a clear message. I wouldn't like to leave my dcs either if I was only seeing them 3 days a week as it is so I can see where he is coming from too. Could he maybe have contact a weeknight plus fri/sat/sun and then he may be more willing to get a babysitter on the friday when he sees you? It's a bit shit to cancel an existing arrangement for your birthday if he physically could have found a sitter (his ds's grandma, for example)

I think it's odd his Mum doesn't want to have any weekends with him unless she was working weekends.

fwiw DP and I get zero time as a couple (loads of kids/opposite shift patterns) and it's shit but we decided to have them which makes a difference. If I was young free and childless I wouldn't want my social life to revolve around a child either, which is why I'd be very reluctant to date anyone with a child. After 4 months I'd be inclined to cut my losses.

A refreshing post TheGoodEnoughWife. OP tell your partner to ask 'that woman' if she has a good reason for needing Friday evenings and if alternate weeks is possible. Two of you got into the relationship after all. A boy of ten will understand that his dad needs a life especially as he sounds like a nice kid. If you'd been together with his dad for a couple of years there'd still be people telling you the access arrangement is none of your business.

If I were you I would run, run, run (although that's easier to say than I do if you have got attached). At 22, you could do so much better. It's not wrong to want couple time or to feel like a priority on your birthday but that's not going to happen in this relationship. Would you consider leaving him?