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Original poster

Boyfriend has a child with ex

202 replies

Lily94 · 21/02/2016 09:10

Hello everyone

So, I have been in this relstionship for 4 months now and things have been going well. There's a 13 year age gap between my boyfriend and I. I'm 22 and he's 35.

My boyfriend has a son who's 10 with an ex. I get along great with his son and things were going really well. He has his son every weekend and a night after school every other week (ontop of the weekend).

I'm not sure why, but his ex has now suddenly started being really funny for what days he has his son. For example, he usually gets his son mid week say Tuesday-Wednesday then at the weekend.

A few weeks ago, it was my birthday on a Friday. We had made plans to go out as we were both free. He dropped his son off that Wednesday night and must have mentioned about my birthday and suddenly Thursday night he gets a call asking if he can have his son Friday, he already would have had him the weekend. So our plans got changed.

Friday is usually the only day/night we have together and now his ex suddenly wants my boyfriend to have their son Friday/Saturday and Sunday.

I'm not sure if I'm over reacting or what, I've never been in this situation before and I don't want to seem like I'm being unreasonable? I'm not sure if I'm not mature enough, or because I don't have kids myself that I'm not as understanding? I honestly don't know, but i just know that I like having at least some time just my boyfriend and I?

I know his child will always come first, and rightly so but do you think when I suggested he has him every other Friday not every Friday that its not acceptable? That's where our arguement started and now I'm not even sure if I am a horrible person who seems to be getting in the way of him spending time with his child :(

I guess I'm finding it difficult knowing that if we stay together, this woman is always going to be in his life and he seems to leT her have so much control over his life? Like he's not said well I'd quite like a day to myself as he's off Friday/Saturday and Sunday's.

OP posts:
ricketytickety · 21/02/2016 11:11

You're 22 and he's 35 with a child. I think the real issue is you want different things because you're at different places in your life experience. Take a step back and assess the relationship as a whole. Maybe you want a bit more freedom, when he wants to start putting his feet up a bit.

coolaschmoola · 21/02/2016 11:22

A 'day off' from parental responsibility?
'Time off'?

These are the things we choose to sacrifice when we have children.

As a parent who has worked and been a stay at home parent I can 100% promise you that working and having a number of evenings to himself is MUCH easier than being a stay at home parent on '24 hr watch'.

coolaschmoola · 21/02/2016 11:27

Oops, posted too soon!

He gets his 'Time off' from parenting when his ds is with his mum. The fact that that time isn't when it suits YOU is tough really, his responsibility to his child should come before a four month relationship.

I've had two overnights off since 2011... and I'm married. I don't mind, although another will be welcome when dd wants to sleep at Grandma's again. That's life with kids.

SevenSeconds · 21/02/2016 11:27

I agree with you OP, it sounds fishy to me that his ex has suddenly decided to change contact time (especially as he already had lots of time with his dad) and I wouldn't be surprised if it was done deliberately to come between you and your bf as a couple.

But the thing is, she's asked for it and he's said yes. So you have to look at his role in this too. If he isn't prepared to stand up to his ex, he's clearly not that bothered about prioritising time with you. I think you need to step back from this relationship.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 21/02/2016 11:27

The child's mum will be getting lots of time off though...

JosiePye · 21/02/2016 11:28

But coola, presumably the ex is getting Friday, Saturday and Sunday as her days off?

TheGoodEnoughWife · 21/02/2016 11:28

Hear hear SevenSeconds

SevenSeconds · 21/02/2016 11:30

Josie and every day while he's at school too!

coolaschmoola · 21/02/2016 11:34

I'm not saying she's not, rather that the bf DOES get time off, it just happens to not be when the op would like him to rather than what she said about him not getting any. He does.

The bf has agreed to this, he may be happy to see more of ds, for two nights in a row, rather than one. I know I would be if I were in his shoes.

coffeeisnectar · 21/02/2016 11:52

Op I think you are too young to be bogged down with the trauma and frame that comes with having a relationship with a partner who already has a child. With the best will in the world I think you should think about breaking this off and finding someone closer in age and lifestyle. At 22 you should be having fun, going on holiday with your friends and making memories that you look back on in your dotage and think "God that was fun!".

Weekends should be spent out with a partner or friends, long lie in and lazy Sundays. Not hanging about with your 35 year old bf and his 10 year old child. I'm sure both of them are lively but this is not going to work out in the long term unless he wants it too. From what you've said, he doesn't seem overly eager to prioritise any time for you and only four months in you should both still be in the heady stage of wanting to be together most of the time.

For your own sake, think carefully about what you want in the future.

coffeeisnectar · 21/02/2016 11:53

Frame - drama
Lively - lovely

Damn my fat fingers!

WickedWax · 21/02/2016 12:00

No matter what you post you'll never be right Wink Grin.

When you get into a relationship with someone who has children these things happen. If (God forbid) something were to happen to the ex then your partner would 'have' his son 7 days a week. Would you be bleating about lack of free time then?

4 months in, you certainly don't have a right to be voicing your opinion on your boyfriends level of contact with his child.

Having said all that I can see why you're pissed off.

You're 22. Sack him off and go out and have fun. Find someone free and single like you.

WickedWax · 21/02/2016 12:01

Also - you are closer in age to his child than you are to your boyfriend. Nah, get rid.

Only1scoop · 21/02/2016 12:06

You have every right to voice your opinion on here Op.

It's a taste of things to come. At 22 even 32 I can't even have imagined wanting to spend every weekend with someone and their 10 year old.

He must be one amazing guy

Sweetandsour93 · 21/02/2016 12:08

I'm going to get stick for this but it sounds odd that ex suddenly decides to change contact arrangements when she realizes it's the only time OP gets with her boyfriend. She may very well be bitter that he's moved on or just want to make things harder for you. At 22 I'd walk away, you don't need to be dealing with these issues. Your priorities are both very different, look for someone with less baggage as you're so young and shouldn't be bogged down with stuff like this.

OurBlanche · 21/02/2016 12:12

I'd agree, sweetandsour, completely. But, at 22, I don't think I could have seen past what was 'not fair' and how my heart felt Smile

Debbrianabottomburp · 21/02/2016 12:22

Op if I were you I would run a mile. First thing i would say is that the mother has changed the day to Friday to interrupt your time with your boyfriend. Four months is too early to be worrying about ex wives and children and how it fits into your life. If the ex did it on purpose then there is more to come. Did he say why he was single after eight years? The ex might be driving potential partners away.

BunnyTyler · 21/02/2016 12:27

You're 22, you're closer in age to his son than you are to him.
This has nothing to do with his ex partner being 'bitter' as suggested by some, it's everything to do with your boyfriend prioritising his son over his 4 month relationship (as he should).

At 22 with no ties of your own, you should be having fun and living life, not stressing about a parent's contact arrangements and revolving your life around other people's existing commitments.

Bin him off and enjoy your 20s.

Original poster
Lily94 · 21/02/2016 12:31

I've asked about previous relationships and he's been single for 2 years before me. He said the mother of their child was the same as she's being now - kept changing days etc.

I know I'm young myself, and I am closer to his sons age than his, but I am involved in their lives now.

My parents are not happy with the age gap, which doesn't help.

I do love him. That's why Im willing to spend the time with his son and him. I love that he's a great dad - but he's unwilling to say no to their sons mother.

For all those saying that I have no say in when he gets his son, I'm not saying I do. But I'm expressing my feelings - the weekend isn't my issue. It's the fact it's every Friday ontop of the weekend. The sons mother doesn't work, she is single and there's no reason for her suds belt wanting to change the day. Aside the fact she's found out it's the only day we get together! Like I said, my boyfriend mentioned we were going out for my birthday and suddenly he gets a call and now it's every Friday instead of mid week he's staying over.

We never went out every week - I just enjoyed time just us. It's obviously very different when I'm with his son.

I don't spend every weekend with him - I want his son to have time with just his dad.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 21/02/2016 12:32

You're TWENTY TWO! Why on Earth are you with some guy in his mid-30s with a kid? Raise your standards, find someone who has no ties and have some fun. All this drama and trouble is ridiculous.

expatinscotland · 21/02/2016 12:38

'I know I'm young myself, and I am closer to his sons age than his, but I am involved in their lives now.'

So uninvolve yourself. You have been dating him for four months. Just dating. This is the casual stage.

Duckdeamon · 21/02/2016 12:43

Run for the hills!

He is much older than you with commitments. He has shown poor judgment in introducing you to his son so soon into the relationship. He isn't free very often already and now he will never have time at the weekends, and won't use childcare.

It was not on for him to cancel your birthday night out.

IMO the custody share doesn't sound a good one, since your bf never has weekends without his DS and his ex hardly has any with him. But that's for them to sort out.

Offred · 21/02/2016 12:45

What on earth does a 35 year old man with a 10 year old child possibly have in common with a 22 year old? When he split from his ex you were 14, when he became a father you were 12 and you are closer in age to his child!

I agree with others that he has made a mistake having you involved with his son after only 4 months, and you have no right to be involved with his contact times after this amount of time.

As for 'every couple needs time alone together' well that doesn't usually happen when you are a parent.

This relationship is hugely ill advised. I would be hugely wary about the motivations of a 35 year old man in being friends with and then entering a sexual relationship with a 22 year old woman and at 22 I don't see why you would want to be tied down to caring for someone else's child and parenting a hormonal 10 year old...

Find someone who is more on your level and not as likely to have dodgy intentions or just enjoy being young free and single...

Only1scoop · 21/02/2016 12:55

Agree 'uninvolve' yourself

Sounds irresponsible IMO that he introduced you after only 4 months

Duckdeamon · 21/02/2016 13:07

You should NOT be "involved in their lives". That shows poor judgment on your part too.

You would very likely be much happier with someone closer in age with no DC!