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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

abusive son - quite long but desperately need advice

245 replies

purplenights · 21/02/2016 08:59

My son (22) has always had an aggressive side and tbh I generally feel I have to walk on eggshells with him as he can be unpredictable. Historically he can get angry at inconsequential things and now he is an adult (he's 22 and still living at home) he has turned into the alpha male of the family (I have 2 daughters also living at home).

Last night he and his girlfriend were having a night in, and we had a nice evening watching tv. When he went up to bed, he discovered that one of our dogs had shat on his bed (I'd like to add that this is an unusual thing to have happened and the dogs are house trained). He absolutely exploded, swearing, threatening to 'kick the fucking dog' and generally being aggressive. His gf and I laughed it off, told him not to leave his bedroom door open and between us we changed the bedding. DS continued to shout and rant about chucking the dog down the stairs at which point I told him to stop over-reacting. He began to shout at me to get out of his fucking bedroom. I asked him to not swear and shout at me please, to which he replied fuck off fuck off fuck off repeatedly. I began to back off but decided to alpha him and so stepped into his personal space and said clearly 'please do not speak to your mother like that' he said 'well I just did so fuck off' and pushed me out of his room.

At this point (sorry this is quite long) my younger daughter (19) came into his room and shouted 'do not push her or shout at her like that, she's your mother'. She went to push him back and he grabbed her in a headlock and threw her on the bed holding her in a headlock. I was shouting at him to get off her, but DD said bravely, 'its ok mum, i'm not scared of him'. DD got up and pushed his chest, and he responded by putting his hands around her neck and pushing her out of the bedroom and then shoved her against the wall with his hands round her neck. I was shouting at him to get off her - her face was going red. He let go and shoved her against the wall again and left the house in his car.

Later I heard his GF speaking to him on the phone and he returned and went to bed. They have gone out for the day now with ExH who I have briefly given details of last night to. He said 'I'll deal with it'.

I just don't know what to do. I am so sorry this post is so long and hope that some people may have some advice. Should just add that ExH from whom I am amicably divorced is still very much present in our lives (we divorced 10 years ago).

OP posts:
suzannecaravaggio · 21/02/2016 23:56

it's only men that are trying to minimise this and somehow turn it around to be your fault for setting him off?
it appears to be a script followed by abusive men:(

I cant imagine my partner/son/dad/male friends ever justifying the kind of behavior described by the OP

I hope you get some sleep PuplenightsFlowers

Fugghetaboutit · 22/02/2016 02:56

Well done for telling him to leave.

Your dd stood up for you during the argument and it got her attacked, and you now must do the same for her and call the police on him. Also maybe he needs to see a counsellor? How is he going to change?

goddessofsmallthings · 22/02/2016 03:32

Well done, purple. You've made decisions you won't regret but, neverthless, they have been and may continue to be emotionally draining for a while.

I hope you had the sleep of the just last night and would advise you to consider changing the locks on your entry door(s) if your ds has gone off with the keys.

Fwiw, your ex is a dickhead and it's to be hoped he's invited his ds and gf to stay with him and that it won't be long before more than dog's fur starts flying.

JohnThomas69 · 22/02/2016 03:32

Well done. It's a pity there's not more mothers like you. The early intervention might just allow him and any future family the opportunity to have a better life. Left unchecked the long term future could be a very dark place for him.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/02/2016 03:58

You've done the right thing. Gee, too bad that your ex may just have to step up to the plate now!

BastardGoDarkly · 22/02/2016 04:57

What an awful situation for you purple Flowers

You've done absolutely the right thing, for you, your dds, and actually your son too.

MoominPie22 · 22/02/2016 05:20

Fantastic Purple Smile There was never any alternative anyways, was there? I second the advice to change the locks.

It just shows and speaks volumes doesn´t it, how your ex has acted in all this? Clearly his way of ¨dealing with it¨ was to sympathize with his abusive prodigy and suggest it was all your fault. Fuck the fact that his own daughters´ safety was at risk! Like father like son was never more apt I think!! Shock

I would also just advise too that your ex should really be less ¨present¨ in your lives too, after what he has shown his true colours to be. Doesn´t this situation say it all? Who cares if it was an amicable divorce? I´d be NC with the bastard! If he can´t be supportive to you all in your hour of need, fuck him!

Fugg It´s not the OP´s responsibility to arrange counselling for her twat of a son, or even broach the subject really. I mean, can you even see him taking responsibility for his actions and admitting he´s in the wrong? He hasn´t thus far. On the contrary....he thinks his behaviour is acceptable!

SueLawleyandNicholasWitchell · 22/02/2016 06:11

Good for you.

I'll tell you someone who would suddenly lose sympathy if your son was to turn violent on him... your ex. No way he would put up with that shit and wonder if he was to blame at all.

You've made a really important first step.

Do your best not to take him back if he gets sobby.

Dollius01 · 22/02/2016 06:14

Why the hell are you trying to arrange counselling for your DC? This is not a case of squabbling siblings, it is domestic abuse by one sibling of the others. And there are NOT two sides to every story when domestic abuse like this is involved.

Check out that chart of escalating domestic violence posted by a PP. your son is close to the end of it!

Honeyandfizz · 22/02/2016 06:18

Oh purple what a difficult situation to be put in. I agree with other pp though you have to protect yourself & your Dd. Maybe in time he will see how appalling his behaviour is but maybe he won't given his shitty response, it's time for tough love.

wannabestressfree · 22/02/2016 06:22

Well.done purple! You have done the right thing. He now needs to stay out and for a while at least so you can relax and he gets the message. Living under someone's regime is not fun and appalling for your own mental health.
And relax :) X

RubyChewsDay · 22/02/2016 06:33

Well done OP. You have stopped this happening anymore. You, your daughters & your animals are safe now because you said NO, this is not acceptable.

Let him tell tell his mates "my mum threw me out"

When they ask "oh whys that mate?"

I doubt he would say "I abuse them, I shout, I scare them & the dogs, Im violent, I tried to strangle my sister"

He would be to ashamed to tell his friends, because its so awful.

Your DD wont be wishing the next 8 months away now.

PuellaEstCornelia · 22/02/2016 07:05

If I knew how the flowers and wine icons work I would use them. Absolutely the right thing to do, for your son's sake as well as your daughter's; but right doesn't mean easy, does it?

flippinada · 22/02/2016 07:14

So pleased to see your update purple. What an awful situation for you. I know it's hard but you've done the right thing - hope you and your DDs are feeling a bit better and you managed to get some sleep last night.

Keeptrudging · 22/02/2016 07:18

I feel heart sorry for you that you've had to reach this point, but you have nothing to feel guilty about. It's the right thing to do for all of you. This is your son's best chance of getting the message that his behaviour is not acceptable to anyone. He made a choice to behave like that, he's an adult and there are consequences. Wishing you and your daughter peace Flowers.

LineyReborn · 22/02/2016 07:58

purple you must be exhausted. Hope your DDs and you are ok.

FantasticButtocks · 22/02/2016 08:05

I'm sure your ex would feel very different if this happened in his home. If your DS behaved like this to his gf. Yes he'd take quite a different viewpoint I believe.

AuntMabel · 22/02/2016 08:33

Flowers purple.

There's no excuse for his behaviour. No amount minimising will ever justify that kind of assault on his family. If I read your OP right, his GF was there all the time this happened? I hope she thinks long and hard about their future having seen him behave like that towards his mother and his sister.

MoominPie22 · 22/02/2016 08:39

It doesn´t sound like this counselling your ex is attending is doing much good if he´s so easily justifying/minimizing what his son did. Hmm And it´s surely no coincidence that your son is the way he is if his role model was showing him how to be a bully and demonstrating aggressive behaviour whilst he was growing up. I think what would be really telling would be if your ex had words with your son, telling him how bang out of order he was, what a stupid sod he is and gave him his history as an example. About how he was a twat to you, mistreat you and you wouldn´t stand for it so slung him out.

But he started going to counselling and now sees the error of his ways, he´s a changed man etc etc...and shows your son by his example that it´s really not on and he needs to see a counsellor/therapist to take some responsibility and sort himself out. BUt can you see this ever happening? Cos something tells me your ex doesn´t see the error of his ways and isn´t remorseful at all about how he was with abusing you, due to how you said he responded when told about your son´s behaviour. Nobody that was repentant and truly acknowledged that how they behaved was wrong would say what he said.

I´m actually staggered that your son still has a girlfriend tbh. So she was there during this whole episode/attack on his sister and she didn´t see fit to dump him on the spot?! I´m incredulous actually! Do you think he´s mistreating her or is he just selectively nasty to the females he lived with? Has he been this aggressive with men in the past too?

I´m just trying to think if it´s a general problem with anger and aggression and he´s indiscriminate or if he´s actually a mysogenist (sp) and has issues with women only? WTF his girlfriend ever saw in him is beyond meConfused

And BTW, is your dog called Karma? Cos at least the dog knew the score and had his card marked! Grin Maybe you need to be grateful to that pooch, cos he/she´s got one hell of an instinct! lol

SevenSeconds · 22/02/2016 09:10

Well done OP. This must be incredibly stressful for you but at least you know you're doing the right thing and protecting your DDs.

How is DD? I expect she is feeling relieved?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 22/02/2016 09:12

WELL DONE!

hellsbellsmelons · 22/02/2016 09:14

Wow - this must be so very hard for you.
But he's gone which is a very good thing.
You are reporting it now and helping to protect your DD.
I hope you manage to keep him out.
Just don't let him back in again.
You deserve some peace in your own home as does your DD.

Fugghetaboutit · 22/02/2016 09:43

If my ds was like that I would want to at least try and help him change so hell have a chance of changing for the better. Hence why I suggested he has individual counselling or CBT to change his response/help his temper and sounds like the freedom project would help him too.
Isn't it better to try and change abusive young men so less women are abused surely?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 22/02/2016 09:48

Isn't it better to try and change abusive young men so less women are abused surely?

Sure. But the OP and her family are at risk. So she's supposed to let him stay at her house - and by the way, do tell me how she's supposed to drag a physically abusive 22 yo male to counselling - and pat him on the head while helping him deal with his problems inbetween abusive episodes. Yeah, ok.

What TERRIBLE advice.

Keeptrudging · 22/02/2016 09:54

I'm pretty sure the OP has probably spent many years trying to change her son's behaviour/help him. Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they can change. Hopefully this will be the case for her son. He's got no reason to change his behaviour if the whole family tiptoe around him no matter how horrific his behaviour is. I think you can still love your children without having to unconditionally accept their behaviour.