Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

abusive son - quite long but desperately need advice

245 replies

purplenights · 21/02/2016 08:59

My son (22) has always had an aggressive side and tbh I generally feel I have to walk on eggshells with him as he can be unpredictable. Historically he can get angry at inconsequential things and now he is an adult (he's 22 and still living at home) he has turned into the alpha male of the family (I have 2 daughters also living at home).

Last night he and his girlfriend were having a night in, and we had a nice evening watching tv. When he went up to bed, he discovered that one of our dogs had shat on his bed (I'd like to add that this is an unusual thing to have happened and the dogs are house trained). He absolutely exploded, swearing, threatening to 'kick the fucking dog' and generally being aggressive. His gf and I laughed it off, told him not to leave his bedroom door open and between us we changed the bedding. DS continued to shout and rant about chucking the dog down the stairs at which point I told him to stop over-reacting. He began to shout at me to get out of his fucking bedroom. I asked him to not swear and shout at me please, to which he replied fuck off fuck off fuck off repeatedly. I began to back off but decided to alpha him and so stepped into his personal space and said clearly 'please do not speak to your mother like that' he said 'well I just did so fuck off' and pushed me out of his room.

At this point (sorry this is quite long) my younger daughter (19) came into his room and shouted 'do not push her or shout at her like that, she's your mother'. She went to push him back and he grabbed her in a headlock and threw her on the bed holding her in a headlock. I was shouting at him to get off her, but DD said bravely, 'its ok mum, i'm not scared of him'. DD got up and pushed his chest, and he responded by putting his hands around her neck and pushing her out of the bedroom and then shoved her against the wall with his hands round her neck. I was shouting at him to get off her - her face was going red. He let go and shoved her against the wall again and left the house in his car.

Later I heard his GF speaking to him on the phone and he returned and went to bed. They have gone out for the day now with ExH who I have briefly given details of last night to. He said 'I'll deal with it'.

I just don't know what to do. I am so sorry this post is so long and hope that some people may have some advice. Should just add that ExH from whom I am amicably divorced is still very much present in our lives (we divorced 10 years ago).

OP posts:
MargotLovedTom · 21/02/2016 11:25

I just want to clarify that when I said siblings just need to be civilised not necessarily close, I meant siblings in general. That ship has sailed with these particular siblings and I wouldn't blame the dd for never wanting to be in the same room as him ever again.

Some awful stories on here; I really hope OP is taking note.

Colette · 21/02/2016 11:29

OP have you support on rl- a friend/family who could come and be with you today ? Things won't change ,will probably get worse unless you take steps. Flowers

flippinada · 21/02/2016 11:30

ncpg that's horrendous. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

Hopefully OP has gone quiet cos she's busy.

ncpg53 · 21/02/2016 11:37

Flipping it's made me a much stronger person today. Before the assault I was encouraged to keep it all in the family.

That day he crossed a line and I saw that my mother nor the rest of my family would protect me they just made excuses for my brother. I was told not to tell anyone the cause of my nose or eyes, my family were embarrassed and I had to keep it in the family.

That was the final straw for me and I told anyone who asked exactly what he happened and who did it and that my family stood by and let it happen.

I had wonderful support from work colleagues and friends and their view on the matter was much more in line with the comments on here than the skewed biased of my family.

I really hope the op helps herself and more importantly her daughter. I often wonder if my brother would be different now if my mother had taken action, perhaps he might have grown up. Sadly that ship has sailed.

Op that ship for you is still in port

Original poster
purplenights · 21/02/2016 11:39

It's upsetting to read posts from people saying 'she's a coward, she's not going to do it'. I've always thought of myself as a strong woman but today I'm crumbling as I know I am finally coming to terms with this. I have to go to work now. Thank you for all your messages. I will be involving the police.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 21/02/2016 11:39

He needs to leave. I would also wonder why the dog chose his bed to shit on.

miaowli · 21/02/2016 11:40

This won't just go away. You need something to create a change of seismic proportions within your family. That something could be your call to the police. Please do it now. Yes, there will be fallout, but when the dust settles, at the very least you will have demonstrated both to the perpetrator and the victim that you are not prepared to let one member of the family horribly abuse another. And just maybe this might be a route to your son getting the help he obviously needs.

tilliebob · 21/02/2016 11:43

It can imagine it's hard purple but that's the beauty of people outside of the situation being able to give their opinions. Put yourself in your DD's shoes and do what you need to go for them. Good luck Thanks

suzannecaravaggio · 21/02/2016 11:44

Purple, this is an appalling situation for you, very hard to cope when the other adult totally ducks out
I hope that the support from those who have contributed to e thread will help you find the strength and resolve to deal with it

Yseulte · 21/02/2016 11:46

Labelling you a coward is totally uncalled for OP.

I would look at this as a chance to change your son's life for the better, paradoxical as it may seem. You have the opportunity to intervene now and start a process that gets him onto the right track. He needs a domestic abuse perpetrator programme, and the younger that he does it, the more likely it is to be effective.

OurBlanche · 21/02/2016 11:50

Ye gods! Silly Sunday behaviour can be so disappointing.

OP, you are not a coward. You are simply finding it incredibly difficult to deal with a behaviour that scares the crap out of you. It can't help that your similarly tempered ex root cause of this behaviour is also blaming you.

Ignore any suggestion that you are cowardly. Concentrate on working it though in your head and then doing what you know is, in the long run, for the best for you, your DDs and your son.

flippinada · 21/02/2016 11:52

ncpg you certainly sound like a strong, sorted out person. I'm so glad you've got out of that situation.

purple I think people are just reacting out of concern for you and your DDs.

You say you're off to work. Do you absolutely need to go? Can you call and say you're calling with an urgent domestic crisis?

What if your son turns up while you're out and your DD is alone in the house? I don't want to alarm you but I really think this is something that can't wait. By delaying reporting you may be putting yourself and your DDs at risk of further violence. At the least it will give your son an opportunity to concoct a story in his defence or cook something up with his Dad.

Skiptonlass · 21/02/2016 11:53

You're not a coward - you're in an awful situation that will need some tough calls to navigate.

Strength and support being sent your way Flowers

wannabestressfree · 21/02/2016 11:55

Your not a coward at all. It's very hard when your the one making the call and having to deal with it.
It is the right thing to do though..for you and your daughter. And he needs to go to his dads or girlfriends. He needs a wake up call and now.

flippinada · 21/02/2016 11:56

purple you're not a coward. You're dealing with a shocking and upsetting situation and no doubt it has knocked you for six. But please don't delay doing what you need to protect yourself and your DDs. MN can be supportive but it's not enough here. You need some rl support as a matter of urgency. Who can you contact?

Embolio · 21/02/2016 11:59

What Yseulte said ^^ I can only imagine how horrendous this is to deal with OP.

unless your son has to face the consequences of his actions and learns to control himself he is going to end up even more seriously assaulting someone (whether in the family or not) or worse. Giving him the opportunity to change his behaviour now is actually a gift.

Inertia · 21/02/2016 12:02

Please, please , please, for your daughter's safety, call the police before you go to work and arrange for the locks to be changed. I dread to think what will happen if he goes to the house and she's alone.

I am sorry to shout- PLEASE WAKE UP TO WHAT HAS HAPPENED.

YOUR SON THROTTLED YOUR DAUGHTER.

Your Ex is also abusive and all about keeping you in your place. He doesn't want to deal with the hassle of facing up to the fact that your son is violent, and he certainly doesn't want him in his own house. So he bullies the women into shutting the fuck up and putting up with violent assault.

You won't be ruining everyone's lives . You might be saving yours or your daughter's. Your son has to face the consequences of his actions.

Work can wait. This is urgent. Your daughter needs medical attention now, not tomorrow when you've been threatened/talked out of doing anything.

TawnyGrisette · 21/02/2016 12:15

Pack his bags and don't let him back in to the house. I don't understand why you even need to be told that. Why would you expose your DD and yourself to this behaviour? Throw the nasty bullying little shit out.

CocktailQueen · 21/02/2016 12:19

You are minimising what has happened, I think. If this happened to you or your dd in the street by a stranger, what would you do? You'd call the police. He has attacked you in your own home! Your poor dd.

And your exH has shown who he is too by his reaction - that's a shocking, awful reaction and shows you you can expect no support from him.

Op - call the police now. Pack a bag for your son, change the locks and do not let him in. He is a violent abuser, a bully, a thug, a criminal. Don't enable him.

And wtf is his gf with him?

Yseulte · 21/02/2016 12:23

It could be gf next...

flippinada · 21/02/2016 12:28

purple please, please, please don't go into work. Please get help NOW.

YOUR SON TRIED TO KILL HIS SISTER.

Sorry for shouting but I'm desperately concerned for you and your daughters safety - not to mention his girlfriend. I'm worried you are minimising this. Your XH has shown he will be no support or help at all so you need to get in touch, urgently, I can't stress how urgently, with someone who will support you now.

Do you have a friend or family member you can call?

coffeeisnectar · 21/02/2016 12:28

Your son sounds like my ex. He was a bulky, violent and had rages. I witnessed him kicking the shit out of his own dad. Me and his mum had to pull him off. His parents have never dealt with his issues and as a result he's now in his 40s with a long criminal record of domestic violence convictions and assaults on random people. He has no friends, has injunctions to keep him away from me and the kids, isn't allowed to see his dd and his parents STILL try and minimise his behaviour so I've gone NC with them.

All I'm trying to say is, he needs help but you can't give him that. Please phone the police. I fear for his gf as without you and your dds as emotional punch bags, she will be next. He needs to leave home. He needs to stay away. Don't let him turn into my ex by just putting up with this.

Wishing you well and hope your dd is ok.

ncpg53 · 21/02/2016 12:32

Op you're not a coward I understand your in an awful situation here and do need a moment to process your thoughts.

Have you spoken to your daughter today? How is she feeling about the situation?have you gently asked her what she feels should happen next in relation to her brother?

My brothers attitude the following day was much like your son's. I was seething with rage and whilst in the same room as him dealing with his attitude and smirking screamed at him. That prompted him to try lunge at me. However he soon stopped in his tracks as my father and boyfriend were in the house and came running into the room. There was no remorse but it instilled a massive fear in me and I was afraid of being home alone and had a lock put on the inside of my bedroom door until I could move out.

Talk to your daughter she needs you more than your son right now. If you can I'd reconsider work today just to be there for your daughter and to have space to think

LeaLeander · 21/02/2016 12:56

I'm sorry for you OP but if I were your daughter I would NEVER forgive you for tolerating and minimizing the vile, abusive behavior of your son. Never. You have made your choice, clearly, to put up with anything from him rather than make life decent for yourself and your girls.

DO something. Who gives a shit what your ex thinks? Stop relying on him for advice and input. He's a major cause of the problem! Do you consult a burglar on how to safeguard your valuables?

And call the girlfriend's parents & tell them the truth too so they can try to save her before it's too late.

suzannecaravaggio · 21/02/2016 13:01

in his 40s with a long criminal record of domestic violence convictions and assaults on random people. He has no friends, has injunctions to keep him away from me and the kids, isn't allowed to see his dd

Op this kind of future is a real possibility for your son if his behaviour is unchecked
His father is failing him appallingly, a good father would be horrified at what your son did and would fear for his future if he were allowed to get away with this attack