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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

abusive son - quite long but desperately need advice

245 replies

purplenights · 21/02/2016 08:59

My son (22) has always had an aggressive side and tbh I generally feel I have to walk on eggshells with him as he can be unpredictable. Historically he can get angry at inconsequential things and now he is an adult (he's 22 and still living at home) he has turned into the alpha male of the family (I have 2 daughters also living at home).

Last night he and his girlfriend were having a night in, and we had a nice evening watching tv. When he went up to bed, he discovered that one of our dogs had shat on his bed (I'd like to add that this is an unusual thing to have happened and the dogs are house trained). He absolutely exploded, swearing, threatening to 'kick the fucking dog' and generally being aggressive. His gf and I laughed it off, told him not to leave his bedroom door open and between us we changed the bedding. DS continued to shout and rant about chucking the dog down the stairs at which point I told him to stop over-reacting. He began to shout at me to get out of his fucking bedroom. I asked him to not swear and shout at me please, to which he replied fuck off fuck off fuck off repeatedly. I began to back off but decided to alpha him and so stepped into his personal space and said clearly 'please do not speak to your mother like that' he said 'well I just did so fuck off' and pushed me out of his room.

At this point (sorry this is quite long) my younger daughter (19) came into his room and shouted 'do not push her or shout at her like that, she's your mother'. She went to push him back and he grabbed her in a headlock and threw her on the bed holding her in a headlock. I was shouting at him to get off her, but DD said bravely, 'its ok mum, i'm not scared of him'. DD got up and pushed his chest, and he responded by putting his hands around her neck and pushing her out of the bedroom and then shoved her against the wall with his hands round her neck. I was shouting at him to get off her - her face was going red. He let go and shoved her against the wall again and left the house in his car.

Later I heard his GF speaking to him on the phone and he returned and went to bed. They have gone out for the day now with ExH who I have briefly given details of last night to. He said 'I'll deal with it'.

I just don't know what to do. I am so sorry this post is so long and hope that some people may have some advice. Should just add that ExH from whom I am amicably divorced is still very much present in our lives (we divorced 10 years ago).

OP posts:
Lanark2 · 21/02/2016 18:56

Um, my mother would boundary step all over my sister, even refusing to leave her house when she asked, told, begged, insisted and eventually pushed, my mother would call mental health services, but still not leave. He asked you to leave his personal space and you stepped into it, then his sister started a fight with him on your behalf. After the dog had also shit on his bed. I think it's not ridiculous for him to have felt got at, bullied and fought with, because that's what happened.

Chippednailvarnish · 21/02/2016 19:04

I think it's not ridiculous for him to have felt got at, bullied and fought with, because that's what happened
Yes I often restrict other people's oxygen supply when they upset me. Hmm

ridemesideways · 21/02/2016 19:14

I think it's not ridiculous for him to have felt got at, bullied and fought with, because that's what happened.

However, that does not then give him permission to assault his sister and be verbally abusive towards his mother.

Surely his defence will be "they wound me up so it's their fault"

Bullshit and victim-blaming. If he behaves like a rabid animal he suffers the consequences and has to leave.

Lanark2 · 21/02/2016 19:16

I'm not condoning that, just trying to find the feelings route through, it entirely depends on the sibling conflict relationships here.. Brothers I know always fought physically. Beware of the "precious girl' paradigm. My sister used to punch me in a wheeling action.

flippinada · 21/02/2016 19:17

Spot the attention seeking GF.

purple how are you? How is your DD? I hope things are progressing.

Lanark2 · 21/02/2016 19:18

Its not reasonable to say that you are allowed to poke and provoke someone until they snap then blame them either, it sounds like lots of dynamics are going on here, not least his mother and his girlfriend laughing at him having a dog shitting in his bed. You don't have to consider his perspective of course. Its up to you.

Chippednailvarnish · 21/02/2016 19:20

A dv apologist. Great.

miaowli · 21/02/2016 19:21

He lost the right to have his perspective considered, when he tried to strangle his sister, Lanark.

springydaffs · 21/02/2016 19:25

Why did you change his bedding? He's 22 and can do it himself. Yes it's unpleasant but it was for you and his gf.

At the Freedom Programme we look at ways we as women facilitate or men to believe we are beneath them. Changing a grown man's bedding, regardless of the circumstances, seems a clear message it is 1. Beneath him and 2. A woman's job to serve by doing 3. menial and revolting jobs on the man's behalf.

I appreciate you may have done it to try to ward off a frightening tantrum. The joking about it may also have been a way to get him to laugh.

shouldiblowthewhistle · 21/02/2016 19:26

People have more stress than that, Lanark and yet don't strangle their sister, or anyone, or hit people, or ask their mother to drive over a cliff.

There is NEVER an excuse for domestic violence. Never.

Youarentkiddingme · 21/02/2016 19:27

You aren't a coward - you are a victim of DV and so is your DD.

Police need to be involved. If he's a past history of weapons and is strangling then it only needs to evaluate a little bit further for their to be a fatality. Sad but true realism of the situation.

Flowers it's tough - I get that. But the dysfunction isn't going to resolve itself whilst you are all under the same roof.

springydaffs · 21/02/2016 19:27

Got the t-shirt on this, sadly. One thing I learned was to watch my posture - stand straight and look directly in his eye. Not threatening or invading but clear iyswim.

liletsthepink · 21/02/2016 19:28

Lanark, there is no excuse for this man's criminal behaviour. He assaulted his sister and mother in the most violent way.

Purple, I had a school friend who had an older brother just like this. Her parents took no action when he tried to strangle her during an argument. She hasn't spoken to her parents or brother since the assault thirty years ago and tells anyone who asks that she has no parents or siblings. Please do the right thing and protect your daughter by calling the police. Don't wait until your son kills someone.

TheWitchsCat · 21/02/2016 19:28

Unless you get this dangerous man out you are choosing him over them. Do you not see that? You actually KNOW that your daughter wants to "escape to uni" and that's not giving you a massive kick up the arse? And then he tries to kill her and you're still not acting. Who's benefiting from all this? You have to "brave" going into your own kitchen? Your two daughters are at constant physical risk? Why?
I hope you didn't actually go to work today and you've had this violent man removed. Your daughters deserve to be safe, I'm not sure how you're not seeing that.

flippinada · 21/02/2016 19:29

That's how I read it springy. That they were trying to lighten the mood and ward off any aggression.

Of course, if you are the kind of person who is ready to use violence at the slightest "provocation" - like this young man - then nothing will stop you.

goddessofsmallthings · 21/02/2016 19:30

Please note that the OP's abusive ds "absolutely exploded, swearing, threatening to 'kick the fucking dog' and generally being aggressive" long before the OP and his gf attempted to defuse his anger by laughing off the dog's fall from grace, Lanark.

No relative, friend, or stranger should have to 'consider' an abuser's perspective and the only action required when confronted by their unacceptable behaviour is to demonstrate in word and deed that they can expect zero tolerance of their inability to control themselves.

MoominPie22 · 21/02/2016 19:49

Lanark likes to write deliberately provocative, antagonistic and idiotic goady posts on threads. It´s a man I believe. He likes to wind people up and get a reaction.

The words Pathetic, Sad and Loser spring to mind Hmm

flippinada · 21/02/2016 20:06

I thought as much Moomin.

MoominPie22 · 21/02/2016 20:20

Well wot self-respecting woman is gonna side with the Twathead bloke? What woman is gonna sympathize and call for compassion to be shown to the perpetrator of domestic abuse?

That´s right, no-one.

suzannecaravaggio · 21/02/2016 20:27

Lanark sounds like a redpiller just dropped by from the 'manosphere'
you know, that sad community of 'beta' men who are pissed off because women no longer defer to them

Momamum · 21/02/2016 21:58

OP, need to say, I'm concerned about the safety of the "fucking dog", who your son could well decide is 'responsible' for his behaviour last night Shock and want to teach it a lesson Angry

Sorry, but it's been on my mind. Please, keep your dog safe, will you? Blush

Original poster
purplenights · 21/02/2016 23:11

Hi, it's me. I think Lanark is a bloke too, as his comments mirror the way my son explained his earlier actions as I watched him pack his bag. He has left the house on my insistence. I'm too tired to think straight and it's been an emotional day. As predicted, ExH defended DS saying 'there are two sides to every story'. He also (like Lanark) suggested that by entering DS's personal space I was over-stepping the mark.

Anyway, the girls are safe, the dogs are safe, tomorrow we will be talking to the police and DD2 is going to get herself checked out by a GP. I shall be online again in about 24 hours with an update. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Findingthissohard · 21/02/2016 23:16

Well done. That's great that he is out of the house and that there is a plan for tomorrow. Hope you get some sleep.

taptonaria27 · 21/02/2016 23:41

Well done, interesting isn't it how it's only men that are trying to minimise this and somehow turn it around to be your fault for setting him off?

TheWitchsCat · 21/02/2016 23:48

Well done, I'm glad you're all safe and I hope you mange to get some rest tonight Flowers