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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

abusive son - quite long but desperately need advice

245 replies

purplenights · 21/02/2016 08:59

My son (22) has always had an aggressive side and tbh I generally feel I have to walk on eggshells with him as he can be unpredictable. Historically he can get angry at inconsequential things and now he is an adult (he's 22 and still living at home) he has turned into the alpha male of the family (I have 2 daughters also living at home).

Last night he and his girlfriend were having a night in, and we had a nice evening watching tv. When he went up to bed, he discovered that one of our dogs had shat on his bed (I'd like to add that this is an unusual thing to have happened and the dogs are house trained). He absolutely exploded, swearing, threatening to 'kick the fucking dog' and generally being aggressive. His gf and I laughed it off, told him not to leave his bedroom door open and between us we changed the bedding. DS continued to shout and rant about chucking the dog down the stairs at which point I told him to stop over-reacting. He began to shout at me to get out of his fucking bedroom. I asked him to not swear and shout at me please, to which he replied fuck off fuck off fuck off repeatedly. I began to back off but decided to alpha him and so stepped into his personal space and said clearly 'please do not speak to your mother like that' he said 'well I just did so fuck off' and pushed me out of his room.

At this point (sorry this is quite long) my younger daughter (19) came into his room and shouted 'do not push her or shout at her like that, she's your mother'. She went to push him back and he grabbed her in a headlock and threw her on the bed holding her in a headlock. I was shouting at him to get off her, but DD said bravely, 'its ok mum, i'm not scared of him'. DD got up and pushed his chest, and he responded by putting his hands around her neck and pushing her out of the bedroom and then shoved her against the wall with his hands round her neck. I was shouting at him to get off her - her face was going red. He let go and shoved her against the wall again and left the house in his car.

Later I heard his GF speaking to him on the phone and he returned and went to bed. They have gone out for the day now with ExH who I have briefly given details of last night to. He said 'I'll deal with it'.

I just don't know what to do. I am so sorry this post is so long and hope that some people may have some advice. Should just add that ExH from whom I am amicably divorced is still very much present in our lives (we divorced 10 years ago).

OP posts:
Yseulte · 21/02/2016 09:50

You need to report your son for his own protection as much as your daughter's. He could end up killing someone. It's better than he gets help now.

fuzzywuzzy · 21/02/2016 09:51

He's over stepped a mark, that is it. I would have his tihngs packed and not allow him to share my home any more.

Who does he think he is, why does he think it's ok to behave like that.

Does he get physical at work when he disagrees with his boss, with his male friends or just in your home with you and your daughter?

He would not be living in my home again if he were mine. He's an adult and can set up his own home and strut around being 'alpha' in it.

Chippednailvarnish · 21/02/2016 09:51

He's not safe to have in your house. You wouldn't let your daughter's boyfriends treat her like that so don't let your son.

Original poster
purplenights · 21/02/2016 09:51

Thank you for so many replies. Of course I knew the advice on here would be straight to the point for which I am grateful. He has history, yes. As a child he used to suffer rages and strop off (sometimes armed with weapons). His father was verbally bullying and aggressive but never physical. I see ExH's behaviour in DS although ExH has come to terms with the past and on my advice he has been receiving counselling. We have come so far and yet the threat of DS's unpredictability hangs over us all. DD2 stays in her room most of the time, desperate for the Autumn when she can 'escape to university'. What message does that give me about her happiness at home?

She's having a lie-in, but I fully intend taking her to the GP tomorrow to get checked. The house is so peaceful when DS isn't here. His moodiness hangs over us all like a cloud. His mood swings are legendary and he never apologies. This morning I braved the kitchen with him and said "your behaviour last night was totally unacceptable. I expect an apology at the very least and we will speak about this later" to which he replied "Can you do me a massive favour? Could you and DD please drive off a cliff?"

Sad
OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 21/02/2016 09:52

So when are you going to start putting your DDS first?

usedagain · 21/02/2016 09:52

He needs to leave . Today. Call the police and have him removed. Change the locks. You must must must protect your daughter . If you allow him to stay you are condoning this disgusting violence. No matter WHAT the lead up, this is physical abuse and assault.

He needs to understand the consequences, he's 22 for fucks sake.

Change the locks and prioritise your safety and that if your daughters.

OurBlanche · 21/02/2016 09:53

Please read all of that carefully and then act. He does need to leave your family home, he has lost respect for you and himself, lost his 'place' in the world. Maybe his dad could take him in, maybe being homeless will force him to re evaluate his life.

Either way, you and your other children need to live in a place you feel safe. Your son has taken that away from you and, as the adult, the owner of the house, you need to act, decisively, in your own best interests.

Your son needs to do the same, for himself. So allow him to do that by withdrawing the space in which he feels aggressive and angry.

Good luck.

Yseulte · 21/02/2016 09:54

I don't see any mention of calling the police in your update OP.

You must call them. The abuse will get worse if you do not.

Yseulte · 21/02/2016 09:55

Telling him his behaviour is unacceptable is meaningless. His behaviour was criminal.

fuzzywuzzy · 21/02/2016 09:56

You need to do the freedom programme op.

You've fallen into a pattern of behaviour where you put up with being abused and allow your DD to be as well.

Call the police and let your son face the consequences of his actions.

You're responsibility is towards your younger more vulnerable DD to provide her & yourself a safe and peaceful home environment.

He's an adult kick him out.

lionheart70 · 21/02/2016 09:57

I feel so cross on your behalf. He really has no insight into the fact he crossed a line last night. Please seek help for you and your daughters today.

UmmedAndAhhed · 21/02/2016 09:58

Good god. Call the police. Behaviour has consequences and you should show your DD this or you are setting really low standards for her to base future her relationships on.

This mornings comments and total lack of apology says it all. I would talk to him about shaping up of leaving.

In future, let him change his own bed.

MaudGonneMad · 21/02/2016 10:00

if you allow him to remain in your home, you are accepting his abide of you and your DD.

aLeafFalls · 21/02/2016 10:00

What is your daughter learning about her "place in the world"? (Great phrase btw ourblanche).

That she has to endure being abused? That she has to hide and leave her home? There is no safe place or refuge? That her mother put her brother before her very life? He could have killed her and she was trying to protect you.

You need to call the police. Today. Your son needs a wake up call, to have very real consequences to his violent behaviour and to leave your home now.

flippinada · 21/02/2016 10:01

I do feel for you, this must be so awful. But you absolutely MUST call the police. I know he's your son but he's also a violent abuser.

To reiterate, he could very easily have killed your daughter. You need to take action today.

MaudGonneMad · 21/02/2016 10:01

Unacceptable behaviour? Apology?

He's 22, not 12. He is a violent abuser and needs to be reported to the police.

Annarose2014 · 21/02/2016 10:02

You have no intention of kicking him out.

Well it looks like your daughters will get the hell out of your house as soon as possible and you'll be left living with him for years to come. And your girls will always find excuses not to come home.

And it'll be your fault. Oh well. You're making your bed, you'll have to lie in it.

iloveredwine · 21/02/2016 10:02

Please call the police and get him out of your house. He is not a child and he could easily kill all of you.

flippinada · 21/02/2016 10:02

His behaviour is a lot more than unacceptable. It's criminal and dangerous.

If he gets a criminal record well frankly he bloody well deserves it. He's a violent, abusive bully.

fuzzywuzzy · 21/02/2016 10:06

If I was a gambling woman I would bet his relationships will go down this way too. He tihnks he has a right to use physical aggression against the women in his life to assert his control over the household.

the way he's going, he will end up in a police cell at some point in the near future.
I certainly hope if he does this to any gf she goes straight to the police.

temporarilyjerry · 21/02/2016 10:07

Please protect your DD. Send her a strong message about DV.

Ginmakesitallok · 21/02/2016 10:07

Op you are minimising and accepting his behaviour. I'd pack his bags. He can't continue to live with you.

pillowaddict · 21/02/2016 10:09

You need to ask him to leave for your dd's sake, you know that. I understand you may be worried about how this will affect your relationship, but what kind of relationship do you have with him now? And you're risking your own with your daughters if you don't protect them.

annandale · 21/02/2016 10:09

I haven't got much to add as you have had good advice so far but would just highlight two things. You and your DD changed his bedlinen - the bed of an adult - why? And when your DD was being violently attacked her concern was to reassure you - why?

These are deeply abnormal reactions. You have started this thread because you know things aren't right. Please call the police and bring some fresh air into tho literally suffocating situation.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 21/02/2016 10:09

DD2 stays in her room most of the time, desperate for the Autumn when she can 'escape to university'. What message does that give me about her happiness at home?

It says that she is terrified in her own home because her mother is not protecting her. You realise that come the Autumn she will escape and never come back?

Or you could kick your son out today, discuss with her calling the police and have a happy 7 months with her and maybe - just maybe - save your relationship with her.