My son (22) has always had an aggressive side and tbh I generally feel I have to walk on eggshells with him as he can be unpredictable. Historically he can get angry at inconsequential things and now he is an adult (he's 22 and still living at home) he has turned into the alpha male of the family (I have 2 daughters also living at home).
Last night he and his girlfriend were having a night in, and we had a nice evening watching tv. When he went up to bed, he discovered that one of our dogs had shat on his bed (I'd like to add that this is an unusual thing to have happened and the dogs are house trained). He absolutely exploded, swearing, threatening to 'kick the fucking dog' and generally being aggressive. His gf and I laughed it off, told him not to leave his bedroom door open and between us we changed the bedding. DS continued to shout and rant about chucking the dog down the stairs at which point I told him to stop over-reacting. He began to shout at me to get out of his fucking bedroom. I asked him to not swear and shout at me please, to which he replied fuck off fuck off fuck off repeatedly. I began to back off but decided to alpha him and so stepped into his personal space and said clearly 'please do not speak to your mother like that' he said 'well I just did so fuck off' and pushed me out of his room.
At this point (sorry this is quite long) my younger daughter (19) came into his room and shouted 'do not push her or shout at her like that, she's your mother'. She went to push him back and he grabbed her in a headlock and threw her on the bed holding her in a headlock. I was shouting at him to get off her, but DD said bravely, 'its ok mum, i'm not scared of him'. DD got up and pushed his chest, and he responded by putting his hands around her neck and pushing her out of the bedroom and then shoved her against the wall with his hands round her neck. I was shouting at him to get off her - her face was going red. He let go and shoved her against the wall again and left the house in his car.
Later I heard his GF speaking to him on the phone and he returned and went to bed. They have gone out for the day now with ExH who I have briefly given details of last night to. He said 'I'll deal with it'.
I just don't know what to do. I am so sorry this post is so long and hope that some people may have some advice. Should just add that ExH from whom I am amicably divorced is still very much present in our lives (we divorced 10 years ago).
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abusive son - quite long but desperately need advice
purplenights · 21/02/2016 08:59
Just skimmed through this but have read your posts OP. To be honest I avoided it when I first saw it because it brought back too many bad memories. My Ex was very abusive to me, not physically but every other way and my son grew up thinking it was acceptable behaviour.
My Ex never tried to stop son having a go at his sibling, it was always left to me which made matters worse. One occasion was so bad I did actually call the police.
Thankfully, son curbs his behaviour now and has lived in his own place since I divorced. I just want to add that, hard as it is, I do think you did the right thing in involving the police. 
When you say the complaint has been logged, do you mean with the police? I hope your daughter pressed charges just as she would if a stranger did that to her in a bar/the street. Family members don´t get a special pass so that they are above the law.
I would still wanna change the locks. What if he has a drink and comes round when you´re in or out, looking for revenge?
Well best wishes with everything and you´re right, it´ll be a long road ahead and he has to admit he´s got a problem not just toddle off to a few counselling sessions cos he´s been told to, to keep others happy. I find it hard to believe he´s had a change of heart in just a day or 2! I thought the norm was to admit you´ve a problem and then go to the appropriate type of counselling.
That is good news purple. Girlfriends mend isn't the best place for him (I note his Dad hasn't stepped up...surprise surprise). I'm genuinely in awe of the way you have handled this - for you and your DDs.
I found the domestic abuse chart really useful too. Please could anyone tell me where it's from?
Best wishes for the future Purple
Hi everyone and thank you for your kind messages. DD has been checked out and she is ok although there are marks on her arm and neck. DS has commenced his counselling course that had previously been arranged and which he had agreed to attend which shows that he is at least willing to accept his behaviour and want to make changes. He went for his first session this evening. As I said yesterday, I asked him to leave and he is staying away at his GF's house and seems to have no intention of coming back judging by the items he has taken with him. I have made it abundantly clear that the complaint has been logged and that although I wish to take no further action at present I will have no hesitation in doing so if he threatens us again. I have communicated with the counsellor in confidence suggesting CBT. I also spoke to a very helpful lady on the Domestic Abuse helpline who put a few things into perspective. She too has suggested the freedom programme for me and DD which I think will help us understand that he feeds off power and dominance and each time he does this it makes him stronger and more aggressive. I'm glad that he is helping himself by commencing the counselling programme but acknowledge that there is a long long way to go, which will start with an apology first and foremost and ultimately that the apology (which may never come) has got to be sincere and well intended. Thank you all again for your kindness and thank you to the poster who shared the domestic abuse chart which was really insightful. I hardly slept last night and it's been a long day so will sign off now. 
Well done, OP. I'm really glad you got your son to leave.
I hope things are okay with DD at the GP and with the police today. Take care of yourselves and take all the help the police offer. They're on your side
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