How do I handle this? Eldest daughter.

[Elendon]

She is 23. Has a 2:1 degree and has been home now for over a year. I have two other children who are dependent and she is not looking for a job. Plus her boyfriend is living here as well, most of the time. My youngest is autistic and doing his GCSEs. I have to move soon because of a divorce after a long marriage. Their dad is currently expecting twins and lives a long way from us. He doesn't want to know about her. I've already said to her and him that they have to move on, but she has replied that she has mental health issues and he r boyfriend is enabling her on this too. I don't know how to move forward on this. I can afford a house for the three of us but not her and her boyfriend. But I don't want to kick her out. Help!

Thanks rickety that's kind of what I've been doing but I was hoping to get support from her dad re this, instead he still sends her Pokemon games. I feel this would be best handled with two parents in the mix, fortunately her dad does still help sort do with her brother and sister. She was always a daddy's girl.

Cant she stay with her dad for a while then

Go to the cheaper area and do not give dd her own room. The other sibling loses out on having their own room because you have 3 children and can't afford rooms for them all. Elder dd then can't have her bf to stay because she's sharing a room and it's not appropriate. If she doesn't like it she has to do something about it and then her sibling will have their room back.
You need to decide whether you want her out or will sleep on the floor for her to stay, those are 2 extremes but you've mentioned them both. Surely you as a parent tell your dc's what is happening, where you're moving and what the set up is! They can't dictate where and how you live when they aren't footing the bill.
You can tread the line between entirely accommodating dd's needs/ wishes and kicking her out, they're not the only options OP!

Ask her to see if she can claim housing benefit to contribute rent? If you are charging her the council could help plus other benefits she could claim.

OP I agree with those suggesting you get counselling to help you organize your thoughts. You don't seem able to listen or engage with the many suggestions made on here. How can you help your dd when you're not able to do some simple listening? She needs a mother who can calmly listen and help her think through things - not a mother who is all over the place flying randomly from one thought to the next.

I think the boyfriend has to go. They are being lazy and what incentive is there to change if they are like a couple with servants and living in a hotel.

Could you move in with a relative (with the young DCs) so they are forced to find somewhere.

I would sit them down and say that things must change. You say that you could ask them to leave then sit out the month (or something like that) - why a month? Send them to bf's parents. Or to her DFs.

If they child mind for you how will you manage if they move out?

The present arrangement is not good for them - what life is this for twenty somethings?

You have all been very helpful, and sorry re the middle class thing it wasn't a social observation, but that just happens to be where we are, and I really don't care where we end up, so long as it has selling on potential and so long as I can leave some money to my children. I'm not expected to live to pension age - don't even want to go there and anyway the children don't know about that.

Ok sorry I missed a child out.
OP have you sat down with DD and explained this predicament?

Elendon, that last post was a bit worrying - are you ill?
Have you anyone, a close friend or relative, you can calmly sit down and talk all of this through with?
I hope you can get some help soon

The boyfriends father is elderly, ex police and his mother abandoned him when he was young you couldn't make it up except I've met his dad. DD never been to her boyfriends house. And I feel his dad also takes advantage too.

I think you need to get some support for yourself OP. From the information you've given on here you must be (at least) in your late 40s/early 50s (apologies if I'm off beam the) you're not expecting to live to pension age. That's a hell of a thing to be dealing with on top of a house move.

Sorry that's completely garbled. It's a hell of a thing to be dealing with, let alone with the other worries you have.

Things sound really tough for you it really does but it ok to stand up to your Dd and her boyfriend can you have somebody with you maybe your sister while you talk to them a stronger louder voice

Elendon I have not read all the responses from others but have read some and I have tried to read all your posts. I noticed quite early on that you said you were/or might be depressed. I think you really need to get some help for this, maybe the Samaritans would be a good place to start and/or the GP.

It sounds like you have had a really shit time with your ex and he is royally screwed you and abdicated responsibility for your oldest child. This is bound to cause some considerable degree of stress.

It is clear from what you say that your desire to move your daughter out is because you think this will be best for her. I think in reality this may not be best for her at all but I think you need some wise voices from people who can advise you how to approach the issues.

I am not in any way a professional but it looks like from some of the posts here some wise people have waded in with some really good advice. As well as a few very rude comments!

I think it is time to be honest with your dd and her boyfriend about your desire to move and your desire to be able to get your head above water finance-wise - in a suitable way, take advice on how to do this from a mental health specialist, please. Although her boy friend is not your problem it sounds like you do feel he is good for her so could you have an honest face to face discussion as adults and explain about the needs financially.

If both your dd and her boyfriend could get jobs, even quite basic jobs, that would enable to them to raise the household income to a suitable level. Not just scraping by! Actually being able to pay all the bills and put some aside so that if/when your dd moves on then you will not be left in the poop!

The other adults in the house need to see themselves as adults contributing to the finances and helping with the younger kids, if appropriate, not in a scary way, but in a sense it would be more scary (I think) to just be told you need to move out!). You, I think, need to move towards that before your dd will be able to move out and be independent.

Please do seek some professional help for you and your dd, get a proper medical diagnosis for your dd, go with her if you need to, please.

There are no 'right' answers here. My own experience is scarily similar to your daughter. I finished uni with a good degree in the arts and part of a masters. Got diagnosed with a major depressive episode and went back to live with my parents. The difference here is that I saw the need to get help. I wasn't confident enough in what I knew was wrong and so my mother came with me and I got the help I needed. I also had a boyfriend with a job in a different city who has (and still has, as he's now DH) a strong work ethic.

She needs to get help. I have to say that I'd be taking my own mother's tough love route - that without a clinical diagnosis and without getting help she couldn't say anything was due to poor mental health. She's ill, she gets help. She wouldn't leave a broken leg to magically get better on its' own - so why her mental health? Her current approach isn't working - there's a phrase that I like for this - if you do the things you've always done, you'll get the results you always got.

work could actually help her. She doesn't need a career at the moment, just a job. The work I did for the year I was at home before i went back to college was call centre work - not a career I wanted or particularly enjoyed, but it kept me busy. There is something in keeping a routine and focusing on something external that helps to combat depression.

For the rest of it, I'd lay it out straight to both of them. That you've got to move because of the divorce and that the house will have to be smaller as you can't afford a house the size to accomdate everyone. So the choices are:

a) she and her boyfriend move out and you and other DC find somewhere suitable for them

b) you get a place for you, her and other DC but it won't be big enough to house boyfriend so he has to go (will always be welcome but he simply can't live there anymore - you can't afford it)

c) both eldest DD and boyfriend gets job and pay their share of the rent and bills

d) you all move to a cheaper area, but that isn't fair on the other DC due to the upheaval - so you are hoping that they see that isn't a real solution

You have to explain that you cannot afford to bankroll them any further. She needs the truth as an adult. It doesn't matter whether she does or does not have mental health issues.

Elendon, You have a huge amount going on in your life.

If I were in your situation I would seek help and support for myself to enable me to see things clearly and make informed decisions.

Maybe counselling would be a start?

I've just seen the bit about not expected to live to pension age. I am so sorry. Whatever illness you have is there any emotional or financial support for help you can get with this and with dealing with all that is going on in your life?

Thank you once again for your responses. It has helped a lot. I'm off to bed now. Will keep this thread and act upon it. Some wonderfully considered responses, which has brought me to tears, and much needed. I might just get some sleep tonight. x

i'm sorry to hear about your health OP

try and think positively - being cruel to be kind does work and I'm sure your DD has a great, independent future ahead of her

Good luck!

I hope you manage to get some sleep. Please do look into getting some support for yourself, as a priority. I think that will help you cope with everything else that's going on.

Do you have any contact with your ex, by email or in person, does he have contact wit the other kids at all?

Sorry if you have said this and I missed it.

It is totally your call but in your shoes I would need to tell my ex what is happening, explain that 'our' daughter was mentally ill and that all this is a drain on your life/finances etc

Plus your ex's failure to play his part, his true responsibilities for the lives of his kids, will look very bad on him in the future. how will he feel is one day his eldest daughter gets married and all at the celebration know you struggled to help her while he lived the high life.

I really feel he needs to know. But that is me, I am gobby. Of course you may have told him and he is deaf to it.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I second everyone who says get help for you. The old saying, put your own oxygen mask on before helping your kids! Bless you. Sleep well. XX

I hope you sleep well tomorrow is a new day

I have a 21 year old with mental health problems.

The question is - does your daughter have mental health problems or not? Is she under the GP or CMHT? If not, why not? Doesn't she want to get better? I'd go to the GP with her, as a first step to find it if it's say depression or anxiety, a GP can deal with; or more than that and she needs to be referred to the CMHT.

Mental health services are a minefield, and I have a strong suspicion that if they can, they will fob off vulnerable young people - patients need someone older, more mature and objective with them. My daughter (while living away from home as a student) told me she usually attended meetings, with several mental health professionals, who lied to her, but as she was outnumbered, she could not prove it. As to whether your daughter can get a job, if she has a mental illness, that depends on what it is and how severe. Telling people with significant mental illness to pull themselves together is about as helpful, as telling your son to stop having autism!

If it turns out, she does have significant mental health problems, help her apply for ESA and PIP (more minefields) and go with her to the interviews, because she will need an independent witness.

Of course, your daughter could just be swinging the lead, because she's lazy - I'd provide a roof over her head, but insist she gets a job and pays her way, until she can save up a deposit to rent or buy her own place. As others have said, there is no obligation on you to keep her boyfriend. You have enough to do, with your own children.

I hope you slept well Elendon and are feeling more positive today.
I'm sorry I didn't read your later posts last night, but Like some other posters have commented, I really think you need to seek support for your own issues to give you the strength to approach your daughter's issues.
I think that ItalianGrey made some very good points, although I do wonder if your ex is part of your daughter's problem?
I'm also concerned that her boyfriends gaslighting, controlling and manipulative behaviour is creating rather than helping her MHI.
Good luck OP. You sound like a lovely mum, I think with a little tough love and a lot of support you and your DD will get through this