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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I handle this? Eldest daughter.

195 replies

Elendon · 20/02/2016 20:36

She is 23. Has a 2:1 degree and has been home now for over a year. I have two other children who are dependent and she is not looking for a job. Plus her boyfriend is living here as well, most of the time. My youngest is autistic and doing his GCSEs. I have to move soon because of a divorce after a long marriage. Their dad is currently expecting twins and lives a long way from us. He doesn't want to know about her. I've already said to her and him that they have to move on, but she has replied that she has mental health issues and he r boyfriend is enabling her on this too. I don't know how to move forward on this. I can afford a house for the three of us but not her and her boyfriend. But I don't want to kick her out. Help!

OP posts:
SoThatHappened · 20/02/2016 21:06

What is her degree? Does it have a practical application?

Original poster
Elendon · 20/02/2016 21:08

Personally, I love her to the ends of the earth. I love her company, but I would love her to have her own place. I would help with a deposit.

OP posts:
CooPie10 · 20/02/2016 21:08

Support her but kick the boyfriend out. Why on earth are you having him live with you. Two adults who are living off you? Tell her she is welcome to come along but the bf is not, might make her get her act together.

SoThatHappened · 20/02/2016 21:08

But without a job she cant pay the mortgage. What is her degree?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 20/02/2016 21:11

You're not answering questions here OP. Makes it hard to help. You just keep going on about her dad. Constructive.

Original poster
Elendon · 20/02/2016 21:12

Autumn I have other children her siblings, and live on a mix of low paid income and benefits. Her dad earns a six figure salary.

The divorce settlement does not take her into account, despite me bringing up her mental health issues in court.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 20/02/2016 21:12

It's hard, though, goodnight, if you and your ex are not on the same page with regard to the children. It's a very lonely life being a single parent with an unsupportive ex.

TheWrathofNaan · 20/02/2016 21:13

The head in the sand attitude of some people on threads like this is breathtaking!

If there is no child benefits, tax credits etc how is op supposed to magically find the money to house, clothe and pay the bills of this adult daughter?!

That is the reality of being a single parent with adult children who are vulnerable.

bakeoffcake · 20/02/2016 21:13

It's very reasonable for you to want her to leave and have her own place, but by the looks of things, that isn't going to happen next week. You'll have to do it in stages.

Get the boyfriend out.

Move house.

Help her to get help so she can start looking for a job. Is she seeing the Dr at the moment?

Once she gets a job, she can get her own place.

You can't just make your DD, who is ill, homeless. Her bastard of a father isn't helping her, you're all she's got.

AntiqueSinger · 20/02/2016 21:14

I don't think it's useful to compare your DD to yourself at the same age. She only has half your genes! The fact that she self harmed means that she may have a lack of self confidence or self esteem. I would insist she sees a counsellor. Would she go to the GP?

Original poster
Elendon · 20/02/2016 21:14

What questions do want me to answer Darth

OP posts:
SoThatHappened · 20/02/2016 21:14

As DarthVader says....answer the practical questions.

  1. How bad is her mental health
  2. Is she capable of work
  3. What is her degree.
  4. What kind of job can she get with it
  5. If you give her a deposit can she get a job that is enough to pay the mortgage.

I'm sorry her dad has money and you got stuck with her.

Nothing you can do about that.

What can you / she do?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 20/02/2016 21:15

We don't even know if the kid actually has issues, or is getting treatment for those issues, or is just using it as an excuse and sponging off her mother. Nowhere near the full picture.

We know more about her dad than the DD.

SoThatHappened · 20/02/2016 21:15

If there is no child benefits, tax credits etc how is op supposed to magically find the money to house, clothe and pay the bills of this adult daughter?!

At 23 the OP was married and a mortgage free house. Doesnt sound as if she is on the poverty line.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 20/02/2016 21:16

The questions I asked on page 1!

Original poster
Elendon · 20/02/2016 21:16

Thank you wrath x

OP posts:
CooPie10 · 20/02/2016 21:16

What is she actively doing to help herself regarding her mh? And why is that bf of hers living with you. She's a grown adult, she needs to make some adult choices. She cannot expect her mother to take on the entire burden whilst having younger siblings who are dependent.

Original poster
Elendon · 20/02/2016 21:18

My house was 5000 and then I came to London with half that. In the late 80s.

OP posts:
RiceCrispieTreats · 20/02/2016 21:18

Your house, your rules. You get to choose who stays with you, what they contribute, etc.

So far, you have 2 adults leeching off you. If that's not the way you want it to stay, then you put your foot down. Example: no more boyfriend in the house. If they want to be together, he or she or both of them can work on getting their own place.

Inform your daughter that you are moving house on X date, with the younger children in your care only. Help her get support in place for her MH issues, show her how to contact the council re: housing and benefits. Take a step back so that she can step up.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 20/02/2016 21:19

Oh, for God's sake.

ImperialBlether · 20/02/2016 21:20

Hang on, Rice, this is her daughter. Don't call her a leech.

SoThatHappened · 20/02/2016 21:21
  1. How bad is her mental health
  2. Is she capable of work
  3. What is her degree.
  4. What kind of job can she get with it
  5. If you give her a deposit can she get a job that is enough to pay the mortgage.

I am going to keep posting this until you answer....stop moaning and answer the questions....what can she ACTUALLY DO?

It wont get solved until you deal with it practically.

ricketytickety · 20/02/2016 21:22

I would say support her as you are. Gently suggest she seeks help for her mental health issues. Sow the seed. If she knows you're there to support her, she'll likely grow towards wanting to sort herself out. If you rush her she may not cope with it.

Yes, ideal world people move out and go get jobs and pay their way, but this doesn't always happen so soon with young adults with mental health issues.

Is her bf a decent man to live with?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 20/02/2016 21:22

I don't think OP wants to solve the problem. That's why she has 2 adults mooching off her.

SoThatHappened · 20/02/2016 21:23

My house was 5000 and then I came to London with half that. In the late 80s.

And you are using yourself and these figures to compare yourself to your DD at 23 when one bedroom flats are now 50 times that price or more in London?