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Original poster

How do I handle this? Eldest daughter.

195 replies

Elendon · 20/02/2016 20:36

She is 23. Has a 2:1 degree and has been home now for over a year. I have two other children who are dependent and she is not looking for a job. Plus her boyfriend is living here as well, most of the time. My youngest is autistic and doing his GCSEs. I have to move soon because of a divorce after a long marriage. Their dad is currently expecting twins and lives a long way from us. He doesn't want to know about her. I've already said to her and him that they have to move on, but she has replied that she has mental health issues and he r boyfriend is enabling her on this too. I don't know how to move forward on this. I can afford a house for the three of us but not her and her boyfriend. But I don't want to kick her out. Help!

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 20/02/2016 21:37

Why can't she live with you and you take most of her JSA/ESA? You don't have to financially support her, only emotionally. If you calculate you need almost all of her benefits until she's working, she can just go to her dad directly, or get a job. If she genuinely is too ill to work and he won't give her anything, then it sucks for her, but basically - like plenty of other people - she'll have to get used to being poor.

I don't see why you want her to leave, apart from the boyfriend issue, though.

My 38yo sister has been living at home contributing most of her ESA for 3 years. Her (my) parents love having her home. She still needs their support. Not what they hoped for, for her sake... but they're still her parents whatever age she is.

flippinada · 20/02/2016 21:38

I'm sure OP has posted about this before, as it rings a bell.

Elendon is your daughter receiving any treatment for her MHI and how is she on a day to day basis?

SoThatHappened · 20/02/2016 21:38

I'm out too.

I feel sorry for the DD.

teacherwith2kids · 20/02/2016 21:39

(CooPie, I had also surmised from her description of her DD's activities that OP's daughter's mental health difficulties are not, currently, debilitating. to be able to get out of bed, to get clean, to function, to get out of the house - that would certainly indicate that, with appropriate support, she could work at some level, even if this is part time and voluntary in the short term)

Spandexpants007 · 20/02/2016 21:39

Yes if she's too ill to work she should be able to claim?

One shirt term tactic would be buying a house with a large bedroom in which you could put a temporary stud wall. Or buying a house where the loft could be converted into a bedroom.

MrsJayy · 20/02/2016 21:40

Tell them you are moving selling the house that they are welcome to move NEAR you into their own place as you can only afford x amount of rent/mortgage

Spandexpants007 · 20/02/2016 21:40

How much cash do you gave and where do you want to buy?

Original poster
Elendon · 20/02/2016 21:40

He left with debts I knew nothing about, until I found the hundreds of letters in a drawer. His new partner is wealthy, so he has a lovely home. Personally, I wouldn't want to be him for all the tea in China, but he could help her? Instead he just infantilises her. Her dad sends her games so she and the boyfriend can play.

If I kick out the boyfriend I compromise her mental health even more. Should I talk to the Samaritans about her? She won't let me into her room to clean it up for a sale. And I need all the money I an get from this.

OP posts:
ricketytickety · 20/02/2016 21:40

But how do you get support for an adult who refuses it? This needs a soft approach where she thinks it's her idea.

Cabrinha · 20/02/2016 21:41

Of course you can move somewhere cheaper Confused
Choice between small house in nice area housing 2 of your children...
Or larger house in an OK area housing all of them.
They don't get to decide.
Staying close to schools may be important - but in principle, you go where you can afford.

Why would you give up working for one child, but not choose a house suitable for another?

Why don't you want her living with you?

Cabrinha · 20/02/2016 21:44

Sending her games isn't infantilising her. If she likes games, and he sends them, fine. I'm in my 40s and enjoy a mature game of Monopoly! Or do you mean computer games - which loads of adults play. Frankly, unless he's sending her Snakes & Ladders I don't see the issue.

It's not fair that you're shouldering the financial responsibility for her, it really isn't. But focusing on what he sends her won't help.

FlowersAndShit · 20/02/2016 21:44

Fucking hell this thread is so depressing. A young woman with MH issues is being kicked out of the family home and being called a leech by some on this thread. Providing emotional support to your children doesn't stop the day they turn 18 ffs.

Original poster
Elendon · 20/02/2016 21:45

Cheerful she does help with her brother, whilst I go to work, but she doesn't claim nor does her boyfriend. Sorry, I think I answered your questions Darth

OP posts:
BonitaFangita · 20/02/2016 21:47

Teacher I get this impression too.
Eldon what are the extent of your daughter's issues and how much of this is being indulged by you, her father and her bf?
I hate to say a thing like that and it's not to minimise genuine mental health issues, but it really sounds like you are allowing yourself to be manipulated.
You need to get tough. She needs a proper diagnosis and support, and she needs some kind of work. If she can't work like a pp commented earlier can she help with your other children and around the house so that you can work?

Original poster
Elendon · 20/02/2016 21:48

I agree rickety. How do I go softly with her, bearing in mind I won't kick her out. I'll happily sleep on the kitchen floor to accommodate her.

OP posts:
flippinada · 20/02/2016 21:48

It's hard to make any assessment without knowing the extent of your DDs MHI.

A lot of MHIs can be managed with the right support in place. Has she been formally diagnosed with anything?

TheWrathofNaan · 20/02/2016 21:49

Flowesandshit

She has mental health issues but won't get help. The op isn't worried about providing emotional help but practical help which costs money she doesn't have!

teacherwith2kids · 20/02/2016 21:49

Why don't they claim?

If your DD really is too ill to work then she will be eligible to claim - but that would involve some assessment. Is that what she is concerned about?

Whatever support you offer your DD, you do not have to infantalise the boyfriend by accommodating him for free.

flippinada · 20/02/2016 21:54

So she won't claim, but won't do any work either and won't get a diagnosis that might allow her to access support?

It does sound as if she's being somewhat indulged. Maybe indulged isn't the right word... enabled.

teacherwith2kids · 20/02/2016 21:56

The brutal assessment from an outsider would go something like this:

  • Boyfriend has a cushy number - accommodation, a girlfriend and not a penny to pay. Plus the cosy feeling that he is 'supporting his poorly girlfriend' - but even this is a smokescreen as all the 'real' support is being done by the OP.
  • Daughter has been able to get what she wants through manipulating the other adults in her life, and by dramatising what may be a mild mental illness.
  • OP has been through a difficult divorce and is still bitterly focused on exH. Worried about money, other siblings and her relationship with her DD, she is offering 'softly softly unconditional support'.

OP, do you have a professional or personal contact - your own parents, or sibling, a trusted friend, or someone who has taught or worked with your DD - to tal through this in RL and help ou to untie some of the threads that have become tangled? Where are boyfriend's parents in all of this? Could they help in requiring him to get a job?

flippinada · 20/02/2016 21:56

I think the bottom line is, if she won't work, won't seek support, and won't contribute she doesn't get a say in where she lives and goes wherever you choose too OP.

ohtheholidays · 20/02/2016 21:57

First things first OP listen to what people are advising you!

Make the Boyfriend move out,he's not your child and he's a grown man for God sake he's 25!You saying it will affect your DD's mental health honestly sounds like your making excuses for not getting him out of your home.
If your DD is not well enough to work then she's going to have to go onto benefits and go and see her Dr in the long run so that she can get help and she may need her Dr to write a letter for her ie benefits if she's going to be on them for along time.

Your younger children don't have a choice OP you have to make decisions that will be right for them and yourself.

If your DD really is struggling then she needs real help,not sorting anything out,not moving forward and doing whatever she wants you to do is not helping her.In the long run you and her Dad are going to do more harm than good,you will all be enabling her to be stuck in this same situation for years to come never moving forward,never getting any help,never getting any better,never moving on to live a happy fullfilled life.

Cabrinha · 20/02/2016 21:57

Right, so do you want her to move out, or will you willingly sleep on the kitchen floor to accommodate her?

I don't understand what you want.

Do you want advice for making her leave?
Or advice for getting her to pay her way?

MrsJayy · 20/02/2016 22:01

How do they pay for food if neither of them sign on money must come from somewhere ? I know she is fragile but you need to tell them the truth you cant afford to keep them for nothing

CooPie10 · 20/02/2016 22:01

If I kick out the boyfriend I compromise her mental health even more. **
**
Well that's a shame but she doesn't really get it both ways. Either she starts sorting herself out or move in with her boyfriend. She cannot just sit around doing nothing, playing games and manipulate you into keeping the boyfriend there.

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