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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I handle this? Eldest daughter.

195 replies

Elendon · 20/02/2016 20:36

She is 23. Has a 2:1 degree and has been home now for over a year. I have two other children who are dependent and she is not looking for a job. Plus her boyfriend is living here as well, most of the time. My youngest is autistic and doing his GCSEs. I have to move soon because of a divorce after a long marriage. Their dad is currently expecting twins and lives a long way from us. He doesn't want to know about her. I've already said to her and him that they have to move on, but she has replied that she has mental health issues and he r boyfriend is enabling her on this too. I don't know how to move forward on this. I can afford a house for the three of us but not her and her boyfriend. But I don't want to kick her out. Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
Elendon · 20/02/2016 22:23

Yes I did have help. A paltry sum from a bad rta.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 20/02/2016 22:23

You say I am moving the house will be sold what are your plans ? They will shrug look at you like you are speaking dutch you will then say well you are both adults you cant act like teenagers forever

BYOSnowman · 20/02/2016 22:24

I would sit them down and explain you do not have enough money to remain in the house and you need to be out by x date. in order to be able to afford a house that dd can move with you to you need to sell the house at top dollar and that involves dd sorting the room out and enabling access. she also needs to go the doctor and they need to start contributing rent (by claiming i guess but this may galvanise a visit to a doctor) if this isn't forthcoming you will have no choice but to tell them to leave and then give them a timeframe.

It's really tough but this isn't a sustainable situation for any of you

where do the bf parents live?

Original poster
Elendon · 20/02/2016 22:24

You're asking a 23 year old to share a room with a sibling?

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 20/02/2016 22:25

WTF has middle class got to do with it? Do the working class have a different relationship with their children? Hmm

bakeoffcake · 20/02/2016 22:26

Well if the alternative is, as you've suggested, making her homeless then I don't see a problem with sharing a bedroom[cobfused]

flippinada · 20/02/2016 22:26

If she's (genuinely) so ill that the boyfriend leaving will precipitate a health crisis that may be a good thing in the long term, as it will allow her to access support and help.

TheWrathofNaan · 20/02/2016 22:26

Steppe mum

How do you make an adult child work or hand over benefits?

Your post demonstrates the benefits issue!

BYOSnowman · 20/02/2016 22:26

if you haven't got much space of course she shares with a sibling. if she wants to behave like a child then treat her like one.

shutupandshop · 20/02/2016 22:27

You can't compare that to todays circumstance then

SavoyCabbage · 20/02/2016 22:28

Do you mean she should have her own room because she's 23? If so, then that's not the case. Neither you or her can afford that.

I don't know what you actually want really. You don't want her to share a room. But on the other hand you want her to move out. But also you would sleep on the kitchen floor so she didn't have to move out.

You need to tell the boyfriend to move out.

ricketytickety · 20/02/2016 22:29

I don't think you can do that without major fall out! Talk to her. Lay it out on the table. Explain your situation. Ask her what her ideas are. Talk about contributions and what you want. Communicate your own needs. If you need her bf to move out, then tell her that has to happen. Really not going to be any quick fix solution for you though. But over time she'll want to move out...it's just going to take her time to come round to what she needs to do. Make little suggestions and sow seeds of what she could achieve in a subliminal way. Like, talk about someone you know who was depressed and went to see a therapist and how it really helped them. That therapists never turn people away or say they are not mentally ill enough for help. Make it not about her but a way of passing on information so drip by drp she adds it all together and does something about it. It's non confrontational, takes awhile, but is effective.

TheWrathofNaan · 20/02/2016 22:30

Boy snowman I agree except if it is the sibling with asd as this could impact them.

Op could your dd have asd too?

Original poster
Elendon · 20/02/2016 22:31

Why should the sibling loose her room?

OP posts:
bakeoffcake · 20/02/2016 22:31

You don't seem to be able to see the wood for the trees. Could you have some counselling in order to look at your situation from a different perspective?

handslikecowstits · 20/02/2016 22:31

OP, I think you need to get the boyfriend to move out. I'd bet a large chunk of money that she'll either move out with him or stay with you and things will improve.

I'm NOT saying he's abusive or the cause of her MH problems but from what you've said, he does seem to be a crutch. Time to get rid of it.

BonitaFangita · 20/02/2016 22:31

Enendon the boyfriend is an adult and not your responsibility.
I really can't tell if your daughter is emotionally fragile, depressed or just very manipulative, but either way you need to take control of this situation. She needs to get a diagnosis and the following that needs to get some ownership of her life.
Her living in the family home is not unusual, but this situation is ridiculous, she's a 23 year old university graduate who's living in her bedroom and doing nothing with her life, and with no motivation to do anything.

bakeoffcake · 20/02/2016 22:33

Why sould the sibling lose their room?

Because they are helping out their sister who will otherwise be homeless!

BYOSnowman · 20/02/2016 22:33

why should the sibling have to live in cramped conditions with her mother sleeping on the kitchen floor so that her adult sister has her own room? what message are you actually sending to your younger kids here?

MrsJayy · 20/02/2016 22:33

Yeah what does middle class have to do with it yes I am being picky but what did you mean

flippinada · 20/02/2016 22:34

I agree with bake. I think you could probably do with getting some help and support yourself - the situation as it is sounds incredibly fraught and it's not helping anyone. It might help you think through options and make a decision.

MajesticWhine · 20/02/2016 22:35

Sharing a room isn't feasible. And not necessary. OP said she could get a place for the three is them.

Cabrinha · 20/02/2016 22:38

The sibling should lose her room because her sister is ill (or simply requiring financial support, if she's unemployed) and that's what happens in a family.

If you're concerned about the younger daughter then:

  • Put 23yo on a sofa bed, if she's not unwell and just needs to find work and all agree it's temporary
  • share with the 23yo yourself
  • choose a 4 bed house (or 3 bed 2 reception) in an area you can afford.

You haven't even got your house on the market yet. You are 4 months away from going anywhere, minimum. You need to sort the boyfriend situation out NOW.

He's goes ASAP, or he stays and pays rent but goes when you sell up (be careful of any rights when he pays rent). Your choice, not theirs.

flippinada · 20/02/2016 22:38

I did wonder about the middle class comment as well. MHI can affect anyone and everyone. Class doesn't come into it.

Bonita I agree it's impossible to tell. I think the OP isn't giving a very clear picture. That's up to her but it's hard to advise.

bakeoffcake · 20/02/2016 22:39

Majestic the op is talking about her other two dc. She said she can't afford to house her dd1 and her boyfriend.