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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I handle this? Eldest daughter.

195 replies

Elendon · 20/02/2016 20:36

She is 23. Has a 2:1 degree and has been home now for over a year. I have two other children who are dependent and she is not looking for a job. Plus her boyfriend is living here as well, most of the time. My youngest is autistic and doing his GCSEs. I have to move soon because of a divorce after a long marriage. Their dad is currently expecting twins and lives a long way from us. He doesn't want to know about her. I've already said to her and him that they have to move on, but she has replied that she has mental health issues and he r boyfriend is enabling her on this too. I don't know how to move forward on this. I can afford a house for the three of us but not her and her boyfriend. But I don't want to kick her out. Help!

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 20/02/2016 22:02

Start taking all the money she and the boyfriend receive for their rent and food. Do not pay for a phone or any other luxuries. If she wants luxuries she needs to earn them by getting a job like all other adults do. Make it really unattractive to live at home.

Have the "you are an adult now, I've done my job and brought you this far, you are capable of standing on your own too feet and the time has come for you to do that" talk. Make sure she knows you mean it. Give them the appropriate council homeless contact numbers or tell them where the offices are.

1 weeks notice for boyfriend to move out. Give dd whatever notice you have for moving.

She should hopefully realise you're being serious when you turf the boyfriend out with all his belongings when he's got nowhere to go and don't let him back in (he's an adult so not your problem, but maybe be kind and do it on a weekday morning when the offices are open).

MrsJayy · 20/02/2016 22:02

Was the boyfriend moving in gradual or was it arranged

steppemum · 20/02/2016 22:02
  1. tell her that if boyfriend is staying he needs to pay rent. You cannot afford to support him. Rent = x amount per month. No rent then he doesn't stay.
  1. Tell her that she needs to pay rent. She has a choice, get a job or get on benefits but you expect xx amount per month to cover rent and bills (gas electricity)
  1. Tell her that when you move you will not have space, so she needs to start looking for somewhere to stay. Room in a shared house, bedsit, small flat for her and boyfriend. You will pay xx amount in deposit, but then she needs to fund it herself. Get housing benefit, get a job, whatever.
  1. If she think s none of that is possible due to mental health, then she needs to get along to GP, get herself assessed and start getting help. If she is too ill to work, fine, then she can start claiming.

I have a friend in a similar position. Her adult dd has minor learning difficulties, and so she get DLA. She is refusing to pay her Mum ANYTHING, as the DLA is 'for her and not for her mum'. Mum has asked her to contribute to gas, electricity, food, and she says no, as the DLA is for her. She is refusing to sign on as she doesn't want to 'be a sponger' but isn't looking for work. Her mum is on benefits and massively struggling. Dd goes out and buys expensive trainers and expects Mum to pay for food/heating etc for her.

I want to bang her head against the wall (metaphorically speaking).
Either claim, and contribute to the house, or work and contribute to the house.

flippinada · 20/02/2016 22:02

I'm beginning to think that the lack of diagnosis is a deliberate ploy here. It's not unheard of for manipulative types to have some sort of generic but unspecified MHI that stops them doing anything (including - conveniently - getting a diagnosis and seeking support) except things they want to do.

Original poster
Elendon · 20/02/2016 22:05

She has not been assessed for mhi, despite me asking her to get assessed. I've chatted to my mum and sisters and brothers about this plus my two good female friends of decades. They all say get rid of the boyfriend, but that may push her mental fragility even further.

I would love to get more working hours but feel that I would be enabling her to stay more confined to the home. She never socialises with friends now. She's so young and lovely, I just want her to be independent, with help.

OP posts:
ricketytickety · 20/02/2016 22:06

Can you sit down and discuss the house move with her? Could she go on a sofa bed - don't give up your bedroom! Talk to her. Tell her you want to support her and work out together how you can accomodate her. If she helps with your dc then she's sort of paying her way that way. She may well be manipulative, but it's coming from a place of worry. Ask her what she wants to do and let her talk to you without it being a pressured conversation. She might be honest and say she doesn't think she can work, but would like to help you with her sibling. Explain you simply can't afford a 4 bed house but that you can work out where she can sleep so she can stay with you.

teacherwith2kids · 20/02/2016 22:07

The only symptom of MH difficulties that you describe is self harm when she was in school - a minimum of 5 years ago. While I do understand how distressing that must have been,
a) self harm as an adolescent does not imply life-long MH difficulties.
b) if there are no more recent symptoms, and she has been able to maintain a relationship, go to university, go out to visit dad, zoo and aquarium etc, then there is nothing to suggest that she is currently too ill to get a job.
c) I suspect, unless there is much more you arebn't telling us, that she is actually afraid of going to see a medical professional 9or an assessor for any financial support) because it would expose the mildness of her illness, and her illness is very convenient for her at the moment.
d) depression is like quicksand. Stop, and it sets around you and drags you down. Her current inactivity is likely to be making her worse rather than better, without any form of activity or treatment.

MajesticWhine · 20/02/2016 22:09

If her mental health problem is severe she will get esa. If not then she's needs to start working. She has to understand this. Not working whilst also refusing to go to the gp and not.claiming just can't be an option. She could start small with some dog walking perhaps. Working even just a few hours will be good for her.mental health, whatever the issue is. OP have you had a frank conversation with her about all this? Does she realise you are under financial pressure?

MrsJayy · 20/02/2016 22:09

How does her Mental Health affect her i know you said she self harmed at school but what else happens iyswim. Yeah she is fragile but she needs to function you need to be straight with them both

MudCity · 20/02/2016 22:10

I'm not clear what the mental health issues are?

Clearly as an adolescent she self-harmed...is she still self-harming? Is she receiving treatment for a mental illness? The self-harming behaviour from years ago cannot be used as an excuse for not taking responsibility now.

It sounds as though you are both stuck in a relationship where she expects you to parent her rather than her become an adult with all the responsibilities that entails. She is still behaving as an adolescent.

As other posters have said, she needs to move into adulthood, think of something she wants to do and take responsibility. She was successful in getting her degree so she is clearly able to be independent and managed her mental health in order to complete her education and sustain a relationship. She needs to do the same now.

Sorry OP but it is time to set boundaries and stick to them. Give her notice of your plans with expected dates and be clear what you are expecting her to do.

The Samaritans can't help you with this I'm afraid. Only you can help you with this.

teacherwith2kids · 20/02/2016 22:10

I wonder whether she is 'fragile' like all those Victorian ladies were 'frail' - as a deliberate lifestyle choice.

flippinada · 20/02/2016 22:11

How does this mental fragility manifest itself? What are her symptoms?

newname99 · 20/02/2016 22:11

How did she cope in Uni? I think life past Uni can be daunting as before then there is a path to follow.Post Uni you have to make your own way.

Did she work in Uni? How is she coping with the divorce and separation from her dad?

If she is socially isolated (which is recent,) then it could be depression. Is there any career services she can access from Uni? I think she needs practical and emotional help but obviously you are dealing with your own emotional fall out from a marriage breakup.Very difficult situation for you all.

teacherwith2kids · 20/02/2016 22:14

You mentioned, btw, that she did not allow you to access her room to clear / clean for house sale - but also that she had been away to her dad's. Is her room lockable? If you really need to clear and clean her room, could it be done while she is away?

(I am also wondering whether there is something she does not want you to find)

MudCity · 20/02/2016 22:14

I think you have labelled her as mentally fragile when maybe immature would be a better description. As other posters have said, there is nothing in your posts to suggest that she has a mental illness, and certainly nothing that would prevent her from getting a job.

Wrapping her in cotton wool will not help her I'm afraid.

Joysmum · 20/02/2016 22:14

In a nutshell, things won't change unless you make changes.

All the way through this thread you're saying you won't make the changes that people advise so...things won't change!

MrsJayy · 20/02/2016 22:15

Are you scared to say no to her because she will be upset with you or are have you been trying to please her in case she self harms again because its emotional manipulation from a situation that may or may not happen its preventing you from being a parent to an adult

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 20/02/2016 22:16

Yep kick up the arse time. Unless there are major MH issues we're not aware of, she's got no reason to not be working. I'd be embarrassed to still be living at home not contributing or paying rent at 23 - I'm 21 with a full time job, a child and living away from parents, paying our own rent and bills. It's not easy and it does feel like a shock at first but it's important to get the difficult bit over and done with as soon as possible.

Original poster
Elendon · 20/02/2016 22:16

So do I say of a morning, right you both have a month to get out and then sit it out for the rest of the month?

How does this work within a middle class setting, without being an abusive parent who took us to stately homes scenario?

OP posts:
flippinada · 20/02/2016 22:17

Anybody who can achieve a 2:1 at University is an intelligent individual who is capable of hard work and has the ability to self manage. What's happened to change that?

likethelight · 20/02/2016 22:19

I have mh difficulties and self harmed at school and as an adult.

She needs a proper diagnosis to get full support. She can take steps to independent living, and doesn't have to sign on, but she'll need to cooperate to get a referral to cmht for treatment and proper documentation of her condition.

I get PIP, ESA and I've got my own council flat after my mum refused to house me (with my agreement, she also had to leave the marital home after dad moved out). Housing benefit pays the rent. I don't pay council tax. My DP claims carers allowance for looking after me. There is help out there but it won't come to her, she has to be prepared to take steps to claim it.

Original poster
Elendon · 20/02/2016 22:19

I've never said I won't make the changes Joysmum. Would you give Joy a kick up the arse?

OP posts:
shutupandshop · 20/02/2016 22:21

If you owned a house outright at 23 you had help I presume?

Original poster
Elendon · 20/02/2016 22:21

Thanks like that's very helpful. x

OP posts:
bakeoffcake · 20/02/2016 22:22

No you don't say 'you both have a month to get out'

Most people in here have advised you to ask the boyfriend to leave and provide accommodation for your dd. But you seem to be ignoring that.

You tell them that you are moving and can't afford room for both of them. Dd can share with a sibling, but BF will have to go.

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