How do I handle this? Eldest daughter.

[Elendon]

She is 23. Has a 2:1 degree and has been home now for over a year. I have two other children who are dependent and she is not looking for a job. Plus her boyfriend is living here as well, most of the time. My youngest is autistic and doing his GCSEs. I have to move soon because of a divorce after a long marriage. Their dad is currently expecting twins and lives a long way from us. He doesn't want to know about her. I've already said to her and him that they have to move on, but she has replied that she has mental health issues and he r boyfriend is enabling her on this too. I don't know how to move forward on this. I can afford a house for the three of us but not her and her boyfriend. But I don't want to kick her out. Help!

I've no idea how bad her mental health is, I'm not a doctor.
I've spoken to the Gp and have been told there is nothing I can do to make her go
Psychology/Sociology degree
A good job with that degree but she doesn't want to do social work.
I can give her a deposit for the rent not a down payment on a mortgage

I'd say abandonment issues are likely the root cause, and why she's hanging on to you. Let her go when she's ready.

How bad are her mental health problems?

Is she well enough to work?

No good being bitter about her Dad-things are as they are.

If she is mentally ill I would continue to support her.
Does her boyfriend work? You have no obligation to support him.

Without more information its impossible to know whether she is "leaching" off you or whether she is currently unable to function.

Does she see anyone from the AMHT? Can they help with claiming benefits etc.

IS SHE STILL UNDER TREATMENT WITH THE GP?

Christ.

My first job when I was depressed after uni was in a clothing shop. Get her applying for anything that pays rent and keeps her occupied.

We live in the north. I saved up working in a factory to pay for that, whilst studying at uni.

If she's not under gp treatment, then how does she expect her mh to magically get better? By sitting around the house doing fuck all?

Have you third making a DRs appointment then telling her on the day that you are taking her? I had to do that with my dd.

But is she functional though. You can tell. Is she up and about, going out doing things for herself, able to meet friends, or is she in bed depressed all day and not able to work....you dont need to be a Dr, she is your DD, you know if she is ok or not.

Can she go to careers advice, further study? Get her dad to pay for some further study?

*tried

Elendon, from your posts it's clear
You love your daughter dearly and only want the best for her.
Her father is more of a hindrance than a help to your situation.
Her bf is enabling her not wanting to take control of her life.

The extent of her mental health issues are not clear. Is she able to take any kind of work to give her some independence and contribute to the household. Is she seeking support / getting for her mental health issues?

I agree in the circumstances it's better for her to stay in the family home while she is so fragile, but she needs to get some control of her life and it doesn't sound like her BF or dad are helping at all.

I can no longer afford to support her though. I gave up a career to be a carer to our autistic son.

how is op supposed to magically find the money to house, clothe and pay the bills of this adult daughter?!
She doesn't, letting her live there isn't going out to buy her clothes or paying her phone bill.

23 is old to be doing nothing, but not old to be living with parents, it's an expensive world, I would not feel worried about my kids maturity if he lived with me at 25, but you do have a right to say the bf is not living in your house.
I would buy a house big enough for you and your younger children, tell her she is welcome to live with you if she is looking for a job but the boyfriend isn't. Make her feel welcome as in not asking her when she is moving out, but don't accommodate her with her own room, she has to share with sibling and the boyfriend staying over night is not possible.
When she realises she can't live with her boyfriend until they have their own place, she will have an incentive to get one surely?
Shit luck about her dad, but it's not her fault he is loaded she shouldn't be homeless because he has money he wont share.

My first job after uni was working in a cafe then a cinema, then boots. then I did further study.

Unless she is bed ridden with depression, she can do a job even in a shop o get her out.

What does her bf do?

I agree with SoThat. You must have some idea about how bad or good her mental health is.

Why can't she just carry on living with you?
You said you love her company.
Why is it so important that she moves out? It's you that is worried about her independence. It's not a terrible thing that she doesn't want to leave home, is it?

There's the boyfriend issue - so you tell her no, you can't afford - and don't want - a lodger. So he can't come. Sorted.

Then there's the contribution. She's already paying for her own food. One extra adult won't cost that much more, in utilities - so she should be able to cover that from her JSA/ESA/salary - whichever. Make it clear before you move how much she'll be paying.

If you can only afford a 2 bed and plan to have her younger sibs sharing, that's more of an issue. But after a long marriage to a 6 figure earner, aren't you getting a fair whack in settlement? I know some fuckers do a good job of hiding their earnings and assets, but the marital home and pension are more often harder to hide.

What are the current symptoms of her mental illness?

• Self harm?
• Suicidal thoughts or ideation?
• Depression?
• Excessive tiredness?
• Fear / anxiety, e.g. about going out, meeting people?

Unless these are absolutely debilitating, with support she could well hold down at least a low-level part time job. Acquaintance of about the same has held down a 2-3 day per week job, or voluntary work, through more than two of the years of a now 3 year long episode of severe (and extremely debilitating)mental illness. Could not, under any circumstances, have had a close relationship (boy / girlfriend) at ANY point during the episode, however ... and nor, at pretty much any point, could their parents have been unaware of how severe the mental illness was.

Could your DD and you work as a team? Would she be able to help with your autistic son when you go out to work and she get parttime work when you look after him.

Can you sit down and discuss the finances etc with her and put her fully in the picture?

The first thing I would be doing is fucking the boyfriend out on the street. No way would I tolerate this guy scrounging off me for a minute longer.

That's half your problem solved!

Would it be awful of me to move to a cheaper area? I don't mind doing this, but the children are very against it.

Jesus. I'm out.

You have my sympathy. I am in a similar situation and I have told my son he has to contribute or leave. Luckily he does contribute.... can she not claim PIP etc if she is not capable of working?

You do t seem to be reading any of the replies OP. Very odd.

Sorry but you have to cut your cloth....move and shove some money in the bank.

I wonder whether the OP's divorce has been very stressful, or is from someone very controlling, leaving her doubting her own decision making ability?

You are enabling her as well. She can go out to the zoo, meet friends, carry on a relationship yet can't help herself sort her my out. And you aren't doing anything about it?