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Original poster

Do you know if you're having bad sex?

550 replies

FLAMEinEckItsYuleAgain · 30/12/2006 14:52

Odd conversation with someone the other day... if all you've ever had is bad sex or sex with one person - do you know its bad? Or do you only realise when you get the good stuff?

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 04/01/2007 10:24

No such thing as normal. Some people are fairly asexual (there's an association for it - more than are gay actually) and for them no sex is normal. Others are happy with once a month. I think normal when you have small babies is hardly any sex at all. It depends on your life stage. I do think assuming no babies are waking you in the night however that there should be some sex in marriage if one person wants that - it's part of the deal, isn't it and if one won't and the other wants to then that's an issue that should be sorted out and has to be acknowledged as a problem by the one who is content with the lack of sex.

Monkeytrousers · 04/01/2007 10:27

Yes I agree, marriage is all about compromise after all, and the ability to adapt.

What's this asexual association?? I'll get DP a subscription

suzycreamcheese · 04/01/2007 11:04

when i think about what is normal, it can only ever mean what is normal for you; and if normal means its not happening the way you think it should, then it needs shaken up to start again..
dont just go through motions..we are only here the once, you know!

suzycreamcheese · 04/01/2007 11:10

xenia, just read about the asexual people, fascinated! dont you think they should tell prospective partners though, if they know i mean, slightly unfair..or least find another asexual not to couple with!!

and i also think that if one person wants it then onus on them to 'make' other one want it jsut as much too..better results all round; everyone has right to not fancy it now and again but can still be affectionate with it

3rdTriMossTer · 04/01/2007 11:10

Well, I was searching around for a New Year's Resolution that was better than "learn to cook" and now I have one. I'm going to make our sex life work. So easy to let it slip, but if I don't do it now, I'll never do it.

Jan 03 - get married that year - done
Jan 04 - get new job - done
Jan 05 - give up smoking - done
Jan 06 - don't lose any holiday - done
Jan 07 - sort out sex life.... will it be five in a row for msmoss?

Suzycreamcheese, you are right, life is too short to go through the motions.

Thank you all it has been useful to go on this thread and get it off my chest.

sexkittyinwaiting · 04/01/2007 11:17

Yes Suzy, life is too short to just go through the motions.

Judy1234 · 04/01/2007 11:18

People's sex drives vary hugely. If you asked mumsnetters on here to post if it were down to them how many times a week would they orgasm I bet there would be huge variations.

I am sure that some men or women who say they're saving themselves for marriage just aren't too interested in sex and then there's disappointment afterwards if the other one is. Matching sex drives is quite hard so you often have to compromise on both sides but I thikn a compromise of once a month is not on but once a week is probably acceptable if someone wanted me to give a view (unless you've a small baby and are exhausted which is a very tiny stage of your adult life even if you have 5 babies like me).

suzycreamcheese · 04/01/2007 11:19

mossy, kitty..rooting for you girls xxx

suzycreamcheese · 04/01/2007 11:25

but xenia, whats sexy about routine? following the reminders on the fridge..
you could agree to have little less or on fewer occasions, but be surprising about when it occurs and what form it takes..not always intercourse / teenage kicks stuff is good and then avoid bedroom more exciting in other parts of house..playpens, cots etc have dual purpose etc..er, i mean for containing kids but if ..

the asexuals then, wait til marriage lot?..who does that? serious question btw

3rdTriMossTer · 04/01/2007 11:26

Xenia I am going to aim for once a week, if that seems about "normal" or at least acceptable. Not much but it's a start. We can build it up from there if it goes well.

(I'm such a freaking salesperson, I have to have targets to hit on everything!)

Suzycreamcheese thanks for your support.

Now all I have to do is persuade him of the benefits of foreplay.

Whilst wearing a silky maternity slip of course.

3rdTriMossTer · 04/01/2007 11:27

I'm not entirely serious about targets btw before it sounds like I'm about to get some stickers out and put them on a chart

sexkittyinwaiting · 04/01/2007 11:30

Trouble is when what is ok for one person is too often or too infrequent for another. It also makes a difference if it is always one partner having to do the leg work to get the other one to do something. I don't want to have to persuade anyone to have sex with me ever again.

3rdTriMossTer · 04/01/2007 11:41

Kitty I know what you mean, you need to be wanted otherwise why bother, you might as well help yourself.

It has nearly always been me who initiates sex with dh, even in our early days when we were at it hammer & tongs.

But I am more confident than him generally, not just with sex, it's just our personalities. And although rejection is never nice for either party, if he feels rejected it takes him ages to get over, whereas I tend to shrug things off more.

But at least when I make the move, sometimes he is interested and well up for it, and that's a starting point. If he wasn't at all interested I would also feel like it was pointless even bothering.

When you do persuade him, does he act interested then, or is it still like flogging a dead horse? (I mean figuratively.)

Judy1234 · 04/01/2007 12:25

I always wanted him to initiate it and he just stopped because he said I could take it as read he always wanted it. Although we divorced we did have sex right through the 19 years of marriage, not always good sex.

For people have stopped and want some idea about what might be a good initial target even just doing it once to break a pattern of not having it can help even if you don't really feel in the mood - just getting it over and done with can help.

Once a week is a reasonable aim. If you're trying to persuade someone who isn't very keen I suppose you need to think about what sorts of things arouse him.

suzy, yes doesn't have to be in bed. People aren't imaginative enough sometimes. I suspect some people just don't give sex much of a second thought and others think about it a lot.

TheHockeyandtheIvy · 04/01/2007 13:21

suzycreamcheese (congrats on the imminent wedding btw from the other thread) - talking about the people who wait till they're married. Did you SEE desperate housewives last night?!!!

How Bree was going to wait till her wedding to have sex but then jumped him when he cleaned the glasses (classic) and then had an orgasm from oral sex and rushed straight to the doctor thinking she was having a stroke cos she'd never had one before. LMAO!!

and what has to be the best line "yes of course I've had an orgasm before, it's like a feeling of hotness and total relief when the sex is finished" LOL Well at least she's liberated now -albeit by a serial killer!

suzycreamcheese · 04/01/2007 16:12

hockeyivy..dont watch telly much maybe i should..like sopranos though!
and it leaves time to persue my other hobbies.....like computing etc..

SHHHH · 04/01/2007 16:14

just to jump in..thehockey, yes I did see it lmao as well ..!! To funny..!!

Rosylily · 04/01/2007 17:01

Aah Kitty, maybe you would be better off just friends with your dp and be free to find love, its just that I wouldn't wish a relationship breakup on my worst enemy and I wish we could wave a magic wand and make your dp mad about you. You are lovely and gorgeous and you do deserve to be desired.

sexkittyinwaiting · 04/01/2007 17:43

Thankyou Rosy, the problem is how to escape! I'm going to have to wait until baby is older anyway.

suzycreamcheese · 04/01/2007 17:59

might be good suggestion? what do you mean escape..in person or for odd night out?

sexkittyinwaiting · 04/01/2007 19:07

Well Suzy, I have escape thoughts as in living somwehere else with the children. I have even talked about it with him. He says if he thought it was possible he would support me in going. I just don't know if the low I feel is BECAUSE of our situation OR feeling low is CAUSING our problems.
I have a tendency to be an 'all or nothing' person. You see I've tried to tell myself to give him a hug if I crave physical affection and contact. I've tried to tell myself off for being so stubourn. If I did that it would be empty feelings for me because it would be me initiating things again. It wouldn't show me that he wanted a hug, does that make sense?

Judy1234 · 04/01/2007 19:11

Does he masturbate? In other words is he interested in sex at all?

suzycreamcheese · 04/01/2007 19:14

feeling low sexkitty prob bit of both of what you mention..you sound articulate thoughtful..what happened after you spoke of moving on?? why didn't it happen do you think?
i can imagine how scary it all must seem, have you been unhappy long time?

sexkittyinwaiting · 04/01/2007 19:28

Xenia, I actually thought about asking him that very question last night . But at the mo it's slightly pointless as I'm preg and he doesn't find preg women attractive at all. I will ask him once the baby is born though.

Suzy, we're both having a crap time. I think part of him would love nothing more than to see me go, the other part of him seems to put obstacles in the way. I think he would miss the children so much that he finds all sorts of reasons why it would be impossible for me to go even though he says he's quite happy to enable it if I can think of a way. He's prepared to give his full financial backing etc.

Judy1234 · 04/01/2007 19:35

I don't know what's normal but my ex husband did it in bed so I would know and he would certainlyi expect to orgasm every day. Probably some men are happy with once a week or every month if they're depressed, low sex drive or whatever. Others again are getting plenty of sex but not with their wives. Some men i know but not in tbe biblical sense have so many women it's hardly credibel