Do you know if you're having bad sex?

[FLAMEinEckItsYuleAgain]

Odd conversation with someone the other day... if all you've ever had is bad sex or sex with one person - do you know its bad? Or do you only realise when you get the good stuff?

moss-like the homer quote.i think my dp would agree with that

Diva !!!
And that's what worries me

Diva I hope so, the love is most certainly still there. Did your xp say all those things, how awful!

I do think we can sort it out, as I say sometimes it's not that bad, but since I've been pg it's just not been happening. In the first trimester I can understand, that was me, I was always either throwing up or sleeping.

Now the excuse is that I'm too big, and he doesn't (sorry if this is tmi) doesn't like doing it from behind, and can't go on top, which leaves it to me to go on top, and then I feel like a whale with my stomach all over the place!!

Even if we could go back to the days of once I week, it would be better than nothing.

Kitty that's exactly what dh does, and he doesn't even have the excuse of having to busy the kids while we do it!

Okay. He doesn't like foreplay because he gets aroused quite quickly, and then finds it hard to maintain that state iyswim while he "warms me up", no matter what I'm doing with him.

And believe me I have tried lots of things.

yes,my xp said lots of lovely things during our relationship.he could write a book on 'what NOT to say to a woman'.

moss-it sounds like ur having 'normal' problems with practicalities.i can totally relate to what you said about going on top.i also find the baby wakes up as soon as i go to bed,and its really off-putting.at this stage of preg,pleasuring each other without actually having intercourse is sometimes easier

kitty-does he still tell you he loves you?

Diva I am not too fussed about the lack of it atm, because I am pg. But I am worried because before we were ttc it was pretty much once or twice a month, and I don't know what will happen when lo is born, I have never heard of anyone's sex life improving after children.

Your xp sounds like a horrible individual. You are so much better off without him, do you ever have to see him still?

happydaddy..i'd be disappointed if i didn't..

so sad to see some of these messages, i dont know if sex has improved after child but i knew it was too important to let slip..
some of the stuff sounds like general relational ship shit being taken out on sex life..
sexkitty..if he admits he's thinking about it now and again, then ask him 'are you thinking about it now' 'maybe later then' stuff.. tease and play with him...good luck

3rd, you say you don't do sexy underwear. Why can't you just change if that's important to him (obviously only once the baby is born etc)

Diva, no he doesn't, infact he once told me he would never love me, that he'd never loved anybody. We've had a big row tonight and now I'm feeling crosser than ever
He's completely the wrong bloke for me. He does have alot of really good points.
Now I'm in a situation of having this many kids and not being able to leave easily. I don't think I'm exactly desirable material for another male am ? 6 kids etc.
But I would rather be on my own than be like this. It's like living with a flat mate, there is absolutely no physical contact whatsoever, not even hugs. I'm so sorry for going on.

sexkitty sorry to read this, truly am..it must be awful, for you both i mean, you have 6 kids together when did he say he would never love you..its really sad and can be no fun i can imagine..
have you felt for a while there was not much hope for you guys to get it together?

Thanks Suzy, well kind of, but we've gone on for the children you know? I want out but I don't know how. It's quite an eye opener just reading different threads here because you find out how many women are experiencing their relationships. I know that even decent ones have terrible times, but if the good outweighs the bad than you can deal with the bad.

do they kids think its happy home? prob not, if you dont find it that way either..
it sounds alot more than sexual problems; is he interested in the kids;
do you think that having so many kids is part of his reluctance now to have sex? just wondered...

Xenia I have tried, but I find it hard to feel convincing in stockings when my thighs are like tree trunks (that is pre pg btw), I just feel so silly! I know of course there is other stuff that is sexy, I am probably just making excuses, I always feel that it's a bit of a stalemate, there are things I want him to do but he won't so why should I? Iyswim.

Kitty so for you, I didn't know it was that bad, we don't have much sex but at least we have lots of other physical contact, hugs & kisses and the like, what is his reason for not liking that?

You can always email me if you want to talk, not that I'm in a great position to offer any advice as you can see! But if you need to get it off your chest.

3rdmoss...stalemate is what it is...who gives? well, who wants it more..
tell him, i'll do this if you do that..they love being told exactly what to do..
and a sexy shimmering kimono dressing floaty thing will do nicely am sure

Suzy, he adores the kids and seem to want him around. This is a real dilema for me. But I can't face a futre like this. I know that things could get better. Ther's always a chance. I have been preg alot in the last 10 years so we haven't had much time to just be normal. TBH we've always had probs, but having kids always makes things more stressful I find because you just don't get time together. I suppose I hang around because I'm forever hopeful. he can be rerally kind and considerate. he is a noble man, but he is as cold as ice physically and I know he's like that because of all our probs.

Mossy, I'll email you, don't want to hog this thread with my moaning misery!

Anyway, off to bed, thanks for all your kind words and support xx

sexkitty dont feel like that
here if you need us x

Thanks x

me too, catch up tomorrow..x

kitty-i didnt realise things were like that for you.i dont have much advice for you either,except to say,if it should come to it,dont think of yourself as undesireable cos you have 6 kids...i used to think like that about myself,i know i had less than 6 but ykwim,dont think of it as you will always be alone if you cant work things out with your dp.

fwiw i bumped into a friend of mine in town yesterday who is expecting her 7th child in march.she was a single mum of 6 when she met her dp

hopefully it wont get to that point though and you can sort things out..

Ah 3rd, I think there are lots of reasons why people should do things for their other half even if they get nothing back or reciprocated... but someone might tell me that's why my marriage failed so I'm hardly an expert. Anyway I wasn't suggesting stockings and sexy knickers for a good long time after the baby arrives.

Xenia you might be right, it just annoys me sometimes, that I will make an effort to be sexy and alluring and then he'll get bored if I'm not "ready" after a few minutes' time, iyswim.

I know we can work it out, we do have good "patches", as it were, but the periods of drought seem to get longer each time.

Normally I'm not actually too concerned, but now I'm pg and hormonal / horny I notice it much more!

Kitty if you want to email me, I'll reply this evening after work. xxx

Is all this stuff not just normal? Maybe I've lost all sense or hope of romance in my old age, it would be fun meeting a new sexy lover but surely there would be a new catalogue of problems after a while?

Anyway I'm having plenty of 'bad' sex at the moment! Its all I want though, I can't be bothered with foreplay, don't want to get all excited, want it to be quick but I do want that contact. So at the moment these are the bad habits we have, but I think in the future when I'm not pregnant and exhausted I'll experiment and get dh working a bit harder again

Have a long list of imperfections in our relationship but I really would rather put up with/ overlook things and muck along with life in general. I don't want perfection, it only scares me and stresses me out. I really like that my relationship with dh can be crap at times but it doesn't matter, we are both still there slagging each other but committed anyway.

Kitty I think if your dp doesn't love himself then he can't love others or accept and believe he is loved and this is a big problem. And a vicious circle too.

Love is an action more than a feeling I think. And sex isn't everything, but it is an expression, it is important.

Rosy, that's a good point, I don't know what "normal" is, I think that was the point of the op in a way actually, if you don't know any different do you know you're having bad sex?

Dh doesn't know any different (no experience before me). In a way neither do I (had one night stands / brief flings before dh but no relationship longer than about six months). So what is "normal"?

I'm convinced that our sex live isn't normal but I don't know what is as I've never been with anyone for seven years before! I can honestly say that aside from sex we have an incredibly loving relationship.

Right. I think I have a new New Year's Resolution. I'm going to sort out our sex life.

Rosy, I think my probs are to do with being in a destructive relationship. I don't believe that is normal to have rubbish sex in a long term relationship. I'm aware that there are good and not so good times, but to have no times at all is not normal. Some men are simply very lazy and all they actually want is a shag, preferably with the woman on top so that they don't actually have to do anything at all.