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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you know if you're having bad sex?

550 replies

FLAMEinEckItsYuleAgain · 30/12/2006 14:52

Odd conversation with someone the other day... if all you've ever had is bad sex or sex with one person - do you know its bad? Or do you only realise when you get the good stuff?

OP posts:
suzycreamcheese · 03/01/2007 17:13

like in personality you need sense of humour, in bed i needed chemistry, dirtiness, no inhibitions etc...

sexkittyinwaiting · 03/01/2007 17:29

I think you have to be able to tell your other half what you like/don't like and they have to make an effort to do something about it. It might simply be unfounded angst on my part but I think if I told my dp how I would like stuff done he would take it as A) criticism and B)me being overdemanding. At some point I will have to broach these probs with him because IF we have start having sex again after this baby is born, like the sex we've had before then I have to take the kids and go.
Perhaps someone here has good ways of telling their partners what they like without them feeling inadequate or intimidated??

3rdTriMossTer · 03/01/2007 17:31

Right I said I wouldn't post here but I'm going to.

Far TMI coming up! In reply to the OP, I know I have been having crappy sex.

Dh and I have been together seven years. When we first got together we had lots of sex. It wasn't particularly satisfying physically (i.e. I didn't orgasm) but I still enjoyed it, believe it or not.

Gradually over the years our sex life fizzled out somewhat. Once a week in a good month, but normally about once a fortnight! On the up side, although it's been more rare, it's been better re: the orgasms, not that that's the be all and end all but it helps! (After about ten minutes of foreplay though dh does get a bit bored.)

And now I'm pg, due in March. Since I got pg I think we've had sex twice. I need to get our sex life back and fast, because once our lo is born I am worried it will disappear completely! So what to do?

3rdTriMossTer · 03/01/2007 17:33

X-posts Kitty - this is your doing, I said I wouldn't come on here!

Hulababy · 03/01/2007 17:37

Have been with DD since we were 16, no other partners for either of us before or since. Been together almost 17 years now. From what I have read on here and elsewhere I am in no way concerned about that aspect of our relationship at all - infact it just gets better with time IME.

suzycreamcheese · 03/01/2007 17:38

sexkitty..i just instruct at the time, in different ways, humour, dominating etc depends on situation..but yes its good to communicate..and dirty talking and stuff..cant really get into this, teatime here..will come back

and not tmi, its one or two threads in the whole of website and BIG part of life whether you like it or not

suzycreamcheese · 03/01/2007 17:41

hulababy..agree; nice one

sexkittyinwaiting · 03/01/2007 17:43

Moss, glad you posted, it makes you feel better to get it off your chest, so to speak?

You and I are in a similar situation except my dp doesn't appear to get bored during foreplay and I know my satisfaction is important to him, but his technique isn't what it used to be. I don't know why. Perhaps after all these barren years he's simply forgotton, or maybe he's just going through the motions.
I haven't felt any real passion or desire from him in years and that's what really, really sadens me the most. i would so love to know what it feels like for someone to rerally want me. Our sex probs are intrinsically linked to general relationship problems anyway. We are limping on with the relationship, trying our best etc.

If I were you I would talk to your dh about how you feel. I'm afraid I can't be much help in getting him to improve his technique.

suzycreamcheese · 03/01/2007 17:49

sexkitty..do you try and fire things up? is it just habit / not talking properly??

one good regular sex is good for all round communication imho and therefore v important

suzycreamcheese · 03/01/2007 17:50

what about just surprising him tonight dont wait til bed, thats a killer me thinks..in the kitchen or hall or you know where..just do something unexpected and see how it goes..

3rdTriMossTer · 03/01/2007 17:57

Kitty yes now it's out in the open!

Dh says he still fancies me but then he bangs on about how he wishes I'd grow my hair longer, or about how we are both getting really old and letting ourselves go, never anything nasty I hasten to add, just little things that gnaw away at me.

I still fancy him, well, when he's not being a grumpy sod anyway, but he is worried that I've stopped fancying him because he has put on weight (I haven't but he doesn't believe me).

We sound like a right pair! But it doesn't come up very often at all, and other than the sex we have a wondeful life together, we get on really well and are best friends. But just sometimes (especially after those dreams) I wish we had a good sex life too!

I am also paranoid that if I jumped on dh like Suzycreamcheese suggests you do, he would be busy, or in a mood, and push me away and it would upset me.

suzycreamcheese · 03/01/2007 18:04

its rejection, not nice and i guess that could happen, but its the chance anyone takes when coming on...maybe some people / blokes end up not asking so often too because of this?

you dont have to pounce but let him know you could be interested..hey, even get him to think it was his idea in the first place...

sexkittyinwaiting · 03/01/2007 18:25

For me suzy it's an issue that for ages between pregs, I'd say a good 90% of the pushing /instigating has been done by me. If I do nothing then nothing happens. It would often be the case that I'd get told 'no' anyway. That hurt, but I wanted sex enough to persevere. Then it got to a stage when I just felt rubbish abd empty after sex because I'd had to put so much effort into geting it, it was like having sex with someone who wasn't actually that interested in me.
Now I KNOW it's not about me, it's about him, but it's a problem nevertheless. we'll have to see have things go after this baby. Perhaps it's already too late, I don't know.

suzycreamcheese · 03/01/2007 19:05

aw, sexkitty this makes me feel sad; it is about you and about you and him too..if you're feeling bad unhappy about situation then surely he must do to...
did you both plan a big family together? do you think its time just to sit him down and speak about how you feel, cant see how it would make things anyworse ifkwim..
want to help..

Judy1234 · 03/01/2007 19:10

If you sort out the relationship problems the sex bit would improve probably. I'm sure it wasn't good between my ex husband and me for that reason.

sexkittyinwaiting · 03/01/2007 19:31

That's got to be the route I think. It seems a very arduous one though.

3rdTriMossTer · 03/01/2007 19:40

Kitty how do you think he would take it if you sat down and talked about it?

I have tried to talk about this to dh in the past, but it's like going around in circles.

sexkittyinwaiting · 03/01/2007 19:53

In what way Mossy?

My Dp acknowledges all the problems, but just says basically he doesn't feel like it because of the way our relationship is. It's like he's washing his hands of the problem.

3rdTriMossTer · 03/01/2007 20:49

Kitty we start off meaning well, but we end up blaming each other. He doesn't do foreplay. I don't do sexy underwear. He doesn't do X. I don't do Y.

After a "chat" it does improve, for a few months, but if I'm being honest I think the real problem is that we're never horny at the same time, iyswim. And that even when he is, he never really voices it!

your dp is washing his hands of it, do you think it will be different after your lo comes along and you're not pg any more?

HappyDaddy · 03/01/2007 20:56

Almost every thread i read, that mentions a problem in a relationship whether it be sex, work, or washing up, comes down to communication.

Communication seems to be the key to so many problems. It's sad to read.

Suzy, if i walked like a cowboy after sex, I'd worry.

3rdTriMossTer · 03/01/2007 20:58

Or, HD, as Homer Simpson says:

"The problem is communication. Too much communication."

Too much talking not enough sex, think that's our problem!

HappyDaddy · 03/01/2007 21:00

But if the sex is crap, the talking is more enjoyable!

3rdTriMossTer · 03/01/2007 21:02

Oh dear, that's true. That's why we're always talking.

divastrop · 03/01/2007 21:02

going back a bit here,but it is possible for men to have bad sex.just because they ejaculate doesnt necessarily mean they orgasm.so ive been told anyway.

kitty/moss-i really feel for you both but as my longest ever relationship lasted 4 years i have no experience of how things go after a very long time together.i just know that IME a lack of sex has been about other things being wrong with the relationship.such as not wanting to have sex with a man who compared it to 'chucking a grain of rice down the m6' or 'less effort than wanking'.

im sure it can be sorted out if the love is still there?

sexkittyinwaiting · 03/01/2007 21:04

I know exactly what you mean. VERY occasionally dp will tell me much later on that he fancied sex at a certain point during the day. Often it would have been possible to do something about that, i.e. keep the kids occupied. But he doesn't DO anything. Wtf is the point of THINKING, that's no help? I would quite happily have sex, pretty much at anytime if he initiated it.
I don't know what will happen after LO comes along. Personally I think he's scared of sex, scared of 'failing'. It doesn't matter how much I say positive things, how much I initiate things. It's a real, real problem. I'm prepared to wait until a few months after the birth when I'm physically better and then we'll have to see whether things are resolvable.

Why doesn't your dh do foreplay? Doesn't he like it done on him either. You can't get much enjoyment without it. Foreplay is so important. I do like a quick shag too though