I did it. Hes been arrested

[Means2anend]

Just need to talk i posted a while ago about abusive boyfriend. He slapped me a few times tonight in front of our son and i called the police and hes been arrested. Ive never reported him before but i just knew this was my chance to get out.
So the police have just left and advised me to stay in a hotel tonight till the dv people can call me tomoro.
I just needed to tell someone, ive got no friends and dont want to tell my family right now.
Any advice on important things to do/pack now and what to do going forward would be good if anyone can help

Mamaka That´s just wot I was thinking too. Wish my mam had the guts to LTB way back when I was a kid. Being brought up in a household with regular violence and domestic abuse leaves kids scarred and def has knock on effects into adulthood, sadly.

I sometimes wonder what I would be like now or what sort of life I might have had ( def wouldn´t have ended up with the dickhead men I seemed to attract! ) if I´d had a strong woman as a role model and no shitty homelife to taint my childhood.

OP, the great thing with you is that your boy won´t have any recollection of abuse or be damaged psychologically as you´ve got out while he´s still really young. Thank God! Thankfully he will develop into a happy, healthy and well-balanced child/adult. You´re showing him by your actions what it is to be a good and kind human being. Now he will go on to treat others, especially when he´s old enough to have girlfriends, with compassion and caring.

Unlike his dad! What kind of role model was he for your son?! How to hurt, disrespect and be a nasty shithead towards others? Bah! You´re well rid.

One thing I just thought - if you have an iPhone, make sure the location services/find my iPhone settings are disabled. X

Exactly moominpie!!

Well done OP - keep going I'm sure you are going to have a moment where you think it's easier to just go back home, but keep looking forward. One day soon you and your son will be happy somewhere and this will just be a shitty memory in your life.

It sounds like this relationship has not only been draining to you but has had a massive effect on your confidence too. You are perfectly capable of taking your son anywhere, he loves you and you love him, you can go have fun anywhere together. You sound like a a great mum you really do.

It's easy to think every other mum has it sussed but really we don't!!

Good luck OP. Keep looking forward, don't be tempted to look back just because it might feel easier at times.

OP - would it help if I told you about the numerous times that my daughter made such a show of me that I had people actually comment? Lol. I staunchly told them that she was having a tantrum, then tried to hide my red face (funnily enough, my glorious daughter always gave the game away by going completely quiet listening to every intervention, then resuming her wails of woe when I didn't give in). That rascal put me through the mill I'll tell you. I am a single parent too. I felt I might be judged for that. I wasn't and I never have been. Nor has my daughter.

You are doing a fabulous job. I know in my heart and my soul that this is not easy for you, but believe me, you are doing the right thing. Really.

I think in this situation, that it's best if you the of the positives now. The FREEDOM! The support. No criticism, no scrutiny, no judgement, no punishment. The world is your oyster now! And you've a beautiful boy to share your freedom with and for whom this internal battle for freedom will mean the world to in the future.

You genuinely do not realise the significance of what you are doing.

You're brilliant.

Op, I've just read the whole thread.

I've never been in the position that you are in just now, I never want to be obviously. But, if I am I can only hope I handle it half as well as you have. You are a credit to yourself and your little ds.
I don't have any advice like some of the pp here but just remember that there are people here rooting for you.

Keep going op you're amazing!
What an inspiration you are for women everywhere. Hugs hugs hugs

Good morning OP, hope you and DS managed a good sleep. Enjoy your lunch with your parents today. Try and be as honest as you can with them about what yoube been through and don't be afraid to ask for the support they've offered, whether emotional or financial. Have a brew take a deep breath and remember you are an amazing strong person

Just read the whole thread.

OP, you may not realise how astonishing you are or what you've done, but you're showing a level of courage that is amazing. If (please, never) I end up in the same situation as you, I hope I handle it half as well.

You and your son will be fine. You have each other and he has the best possible role model. In times to come, I hope you do come to realise just how fantastic and brave your actions in the last two days have been.

About the soft play - I'll bet good money that every single parent there was cringing at something their child did. Not one single one of them will have been judging. Every parent in the world has been there and done that!

I hope ur lunch went well with parents and ur settling down to another successful rest of life day!
ATB

Also just read the whole thread with a big smile on my face. You're amazing, and one day, your son will know how brave and strong you were for him this week, and he'll love you even more for it.

Re the housing situation, I would be inclined to take any and every help offered to you via the council. As others point out, in the (unlikely) event of him finding you it may be troublesome to end your tenancy with a private landlord - whereas the council may have a duty of care to you as a parent fleeing domestic violence.

Hi everyone hope ur all having a good weekend. We had a nice day with my parents. There were a couple of awkward moments, particularly when my mum and dad had a heated discussion with each other about whether ex will get 50/50 custody ! Exs sister has been bothering me all day and asking for videos of our son, telling me how upset ex is, the usual bullshit, im trying to just ignore it as much as i can.
I havent cried all day! Hoorah!

You don't need to reply to ex's sister's manipulation tactics, nor do you even need to read them. Block her if it would help you breathe more easily.

I agree with RiceCrispieTreats - do not get sucked in by the SIL.

Can you remind me - has he pleaded guilty or not guilty to the charges?

The videos may be an attempt to discover your location. I assume the police have advised no contact with anyone from his family, this is a standard manipulation technique. Can you block her?

Just ignore ex's sister, you don't even have to reply if you don't want to. Or if you do just lay it out in black and white exactly what her brother is like.
You are doing amazingly well, keep going .

I've nothing of any real help to add, but I can tell you you are truly a brilliant mum.

Absolutely no one was judging you at the soft play, I can assure you.

I had to get DD under the arm while she planked, stiff as a board and beetroot screaming her head off because someone took HER red ball from the pit of approximately 100 bajllion red balls.

I still didn't get judged because every single parent in there has had the same.

No one else in there has dealt with what you have, and you should absolutely hold your head high.

Really well done.

Just want to agree with everyone else about how brilliant you're being

Well done

Can you ignore all texts/messages/mails/calls from anyone he's got at? He'll be really trying is hardest to get back control over you, and will be using other people to try and do it - and his sister will not have been told the real story, and will have her own reasons to be manipulative too. Maybe she's grown up accepting his awful behaviour, or minimising it, and I know that families are often the worst people as they don't want to admit that their brother /son /whatever has been allowed or even encouraged to be an abusive t**t by them. Guilt and shame and fear of looking bad are hugely powerful emotions.

Steer clear of the whole lot of it. You don't need to have anyone's bad behaviour forced on you anymore. You have fought your way free and your great!

Think about just getting through these days, and each hour you get through, is an hour closer to getting your life and self back again... And that's a wonderful thing for you, and your son.

But in the meantime, you're doing something very brave, and you're learning how to live without his control, fear and cruelty. Don't judge yourself harshly, try and treat yourself kindly and generously... You'll not be used to that and it's high time you got some gentleness back in your life, and that all starts with learning how to be warm and proud of yourself. It's tricky but try noticing little things and telling yourself how well you are doing as you go... Cos you'll have been 'trained' to agree with him that you're not worth as much as other people. Nonsense of course, but if you live surrounded by that the whole time, it's hard to shake free.

Oh and don't worry too much about your parents thoughts at the mo, they will be going on what the known (which you'll be minimising for them), and then what they've picked up from half remembered newspaper hype, stories and gossip. They won't be up to date legal experts!

X

Just wanted to say you're amazing! So, so brave. Ignore all his family/friends. Just focus on you and your boy, and the home you will soon be able to call your own

How are you getting on OP?

Morning guys. I hope im not boring u all but going to keep updating so anyone in a similar position can get an idea of what might happen. Threads from women who had left an abusive partner helped me alot in the months running up to me leaving.

The hotel have extended our check out to 2pm so im trying to get something sorted before then. Housing said they cud extend our stay here but i wud be better off seeing if we can get temp accom from the borough we want to move to. So im waiting for idva support to contact me to see if they can help me with applying for that. Booked a viewing for a flat tomoro but just realised its not available til april which is a shame. Ive called about another property but they didnt sound keen when i said i may be claiming hb. I said i can pay 3 months rent up front but she didnt seem to be interested, said she will call back after speaking to LL. So time is ticking by and i dont have any plans in place yet but im hoping when i hear from idva i will have some more help with arranging something.

Havent heard from ex and his sister has laid off a bit so thats good. Bit worried hes lulling me into a false sense of security but ill just have to wait and see I guess.

Nice of the hotel to help out. Hopefully things will be a bit clearer when you heard back from IDVA.

Good luck this week OP. Is the borough you hope to move to nearer to family/work/nursery or is it for a completely new start?

How are things Means?