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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I did it. Hes been arrested

239 replies

Means2anend · 18/02/2016 00:40

Just need to talk i posted a while ago about abusive boyfriend. He slapped me a few times tonight in front of our son and i called the police and hes been arrested. Ive never reported him before but i just knew this was my chance to get out.
So the police have just left and advised me to stay in a hotel tonight till the dv people can call me tomoro.
I just needed to tell someone, ive got no friends and dont want to tell my family right now.
Any advice on important things to do/pack now and what to do going forward would be good if anyone can help

OP posts:
Lweji · 19/02/2016 14:26

I haven't been in a refuge, and others will advise on that, but from other threads, it is possible that sometimes sharing with other families in a refuge could be more overwhelming than a private place. Particularly if there are rowdy children and you end up confined in your room.

OTOH, workers should be more at hand, and you may not feel so isolated.

But you can go into a refuge and find a different place later if you prefer.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 19/02/2016 14:36

I bet no one was judging you, ive been doing soft play for years with DS and now DD and still we all loose the plot sometimes!
Be proud of yourself for giving it a try.

You should get the same support whether you are in a refuge or not.
They can be a lifeline (literally) but if you can get the money from your parents (should now be called the 'independent me' fund) then a private rental is best. The refuge can be a little chaotic sometimes with lots of people, although you will feel safe there.

ricketytickety · 19/02/2016 16:07

All kids lose it at softplay at one time or another. Squabble too. Next time you go have a look at the other children and their parents and observe how they have the same issues.

Toddler groups are good - usually around 9.30-10 start. You'll find them at local church halls, community centres, library do singsong ones. Great
place to meet other parents or not if you like your own company you can just blend in. They're cheap and you get a drink and nibbles for toddler included.

All mums have their own anxieties. You're doing something quite amazing that takes a lot of courage.

ricketytickety · 19/02/2016 16:11

If he asks to go home, tell him you are going to get a home for you both that will be your happy house. Keep busy and you'll be fine.

HaveIGotAClue · 19/02/2016 16:15

Love the idea of the 'happy house'. Very good idea ricketytickety.

Bear in mind pet, that the abusive situation was 'normal' to him too. :(

So. Now, you get to both find and defind a nicer, safer, happier 'normal'.

Children his age are brilliantly resilient. He has your constant support, love and reassurance. What he DOESN'T have is a bollox of a father who slaps his beloved mother around in front of him.

Don't question for even a second, that you're doing the right thing.

HaveIGotAClue · 19/02/2016 16:23

And just one more thing (sorry, I talk too much).

But don't feel that you need reassurance from MN or other mother's or randomers on the street. Go with your OWN instincts. You're a mother. You know your little lad. Try with little things.

You've already done several massive things!

  1. You've decided that this shit needed to end. For YOUR sake as well as for your DS.
  2. You actually left!
  3. You chose a hotel.
  4. You packed your own belongings.
  5. You took the advice of the police!
  6. You are engaging with services!
  7. You researched and FOUND a place for your little lad to have fun today.
  8. You've told your parents (this may be a huge support for you).
  9. You've taken your little lad out on your own!
10. You've handled his meltdown 11. You're making decisions (all on your OWN) as to how to effectively manage money and also to nourish your child. 12. You're being bloody brilliant!

Who made all these decisions? Good decisions! Wise decisions! Who? YOU MY LOVELY LADY!

xxxxxxxx

MoominPie22 · 19/02/2016 16:42

Rickety Great advice but I´d be a tad concerned if the OP hasn´t taken her 3yr old child to a softplay or playgroup, even if it was accompanied, in the past. Cos unless they´re getting regular playdates with other kids, lack of socialization is gonna effect a child´s development and social skills at that age. Especially prior to starting nursery.

Maybe a refuge is a good option as there´ll be other young kids to play with?

dreame · 19/02/2016 16:52

Hey Means I'm in awe of what you've just done! You've just altered the course if your life and your DS's! For anybody that's a major deal, but in your circumstances it's nothing short of phenomenal!

If anybody was watching you when your DS had a meltdown at the soft play, I can bet you they were just thinking "Thank god it's not my DC this time." - everybody's DC does that at some point, so don't worry. You took him out alone for the first time and you had an absolutely normal, bog standard experience! - even if for you it felt pretty strange and scary.

Thanks you're doing amazingly!

HaveIGotAClue · 19/02/2016 16:57

MoominPie22 - With all the supports which will now kick in to our wonderful OP, I guarantee linking in to support groups/parenting groups/childcare groups etc. will be incorporated in those supports. It's one thing the UK seems to be good at!

Original poster
Means2anend · 19/02/2016 17:11

Aww thanks guys u make me feel so much better!
He has socialised with other kids and goes to a playgroup but he definitely is ready for nursery now.
Ive spoken to housing and they agree private rental would probably be better if i can afford it. So im looking at towns surrounding my home town. A colleague of mine lives in a town i like the idea of so im going to pick her brains about areas for good schools etc. Going to be on right move all night and hopefully sort out a few places to view next week. Daunting but exciting!
Im going to have to quit my job, its way too public and wouldnt be safe but im ok with that. Ive worked there for a long time and im ready for a fresh start.

OP posts:
tribpot · 19/02/2016 17:21

Please be careful - if he finds you, and you're in a fixed term tenancy you may not be able to move again. I would be keeping your options open for a while, it's very unlikely he will just say 'fair enough' and accept that you've left him.

TwoLeftSocks · 19/02/2016 17:22

About your job, could you ask for compassionate leave or a less public role? Might that help?

You're doing fantastic by the way!

HaveIGotAClue · 19/02/2016 17:23

Aw lady - you don't have to go into hiding or quit your job? Well, maybe you do, but I feel sad that you would have to. Have you received advice on this? On the possibility of trying to maintain your job?

HaveIGotAClue · 19/02/2016 17:31

I'm only suggesting this, but would you consider asking for compassionate leave/sickness leave for a month, and really considering how the land lies?

I'd hate to see you lose the lifeline that work and financial independence can often provide.

Don't make a decision on this yet. Consult with police and a solicitor on Monday first. They can state specific premises onto which he can't trespass (i.e. your workplace) without being immediately arrested and imprisoned.

Original poster
Means2anend · 19/02/2016 17:41

Yes i definitley wont be making any decisions untill ive talked it all through with support worker on monday. I just want to get settled as quickly as possible but i understand what u mean about keeping options open. it wouldnt really be possible to keep me safe at work due to the nature of the job and the location of the building. Im not sure if im on sick or compassionate leave at the moment, my manager didnt say what they were putting it down as. Im looking forward to monday when i can get some advice from the support worker and can hopefully start working on a proper plan.

OP posts:
HaveIGotAClue · 19/02/2016 18:27

Well - to me - it should be sick leave. Injuries, shock, trauma, stress. Enough to sign you off for a couple of weeks. Also worth checking in with your GP besides just for a cert. too - especially if you have any bruises.

So - how is the little lad? Any plans for this evening? Are you going to stay at the hotel until Monday?

HaveIGotAClue · 19/02/2016 18:31

btw - don't feel you have to post anything in reply to me. Particularly anything which might out you or your whereabouts. I guess I'm just trying to chat and be here for you. It's actually a privelege knowing you. You come across as such a kind and gentle person.

VimFuego101 · 19/02/2016 18:38

Well done, sounds like you're doing really well. Don't worry about soft play - it sounds like your son had a great time. Trust me, nobody is judging you. They're just zoning out and enjoying letting their children run around and looking forward to them being worn out and going to bed early.

I second the advice about the sick cert - compassionate leave may not be paid. Do you know what your contract says about getting paid for sick leave?

The library will probably have story time sessions or activities for kids, i doubt you would need to be a member to join those, you can just walk in. If you wanted to join up and take books out you would probably need some ID.

LemonySippet · 19/02/2016 19:11

You're doing an amazing job OP, you can totally do this!

oldgrandmama · 19/02/2016 19:27

Came to this thread late ... and I am absolutely frothing at the mouth with fury about what you've been put through, Means2andend. But how magnificent you are in handling this now. You've had so much terrific advice here - can't really add to it. Glad your parents have the 'wedding fund' - maybe rename it now as 'New Life Fund'. Of course your little boy will be a bit bewildered, and going on about 'home', but it's no 'home' when his mum is being so abused. He'll get over it ... and the two of you will do so well, with your determination and guts.

Of course you're feeling strange right now - so much has changed in such a short time. Especially that you've never been able to go out alone with your child. Seem to remember earlier in thread that you don't have a pushchair/buggy - might it be a good idea to get one?

Well done - your are an inspiration to all women who are suffering at the hands of abusive louts.

Mamaka · 19/02/2016 19:40

Means2anend, I am in awe of you! You sound like you are being so strong and doing the absolute best for yourself and your boy. While reading the thread I was wishing my own mum could have been as brave as you are being now and got us all out of the shitty situation we were in. You will not regret this and your boy will thank you when he's older.

Original poster
Means2anend · 19/02/2016 20:01

Jeez u lot know just what to say to turn me into a blubbering wreck Smile

Hes just turned 3.He has a silvercross pop at home which i got cos it will take a bigger weight than others but hes so tall now he looks ridiculous in it and his feet drag on the floor!
Re work, i had about 10 weeks off sick late last yr cos i got sepsis and other complications so im already over the threshold for disciplinary action. Il call manager monday and see what she suggests, she knew me before i met ex so had a pretty gd idea what was going on anyway from how much i had changed. Shes been really understanding. Everyone has.
Tomoro parents are coming to visit (idva lady said thats ok) so we will go for lunch or something. Looking forward to it.
Hope u all have a great weekend x

OP posts:
RubyChewsDay · 19/02/2016 21:08

Also Means2anend not only are you bloody marvellous, but people will be lurking on here that are going through the same shit at home.

You will be inspiring people that you dont even know about. Because you are strong, brave and amazing Flowers

ouryve · 19/02/2016 21:16

You've done absolutely the right thing. What an arsehole.

Take any obvious ID, bank cards, copies of anything you may need to cancel with an associated reference/account number, exam certificates, if you can lay your hands on them and, of course, anything special.

ouryve · 19/02/2016 21:21

And just realised this is a day old.

Sounds you've achieved such a lot already Flowers