I did it. Hes been arrested

[Means2anend]

Just need to talk i posted a while ago about abusive boyfriend. He slapped me a few times tonight in front of our son and i called the police and hes been arrested. Ive never reported him before but i just knew this was my chance to get out.
So the police have just left and advised me to stay in a hotel tonight till the dv people can call me tomoro.
I just needed to tell someone, ive got no friends and dont want to tell my family right now.
Any advice on important things to do/pack now and what to do going forward would be good if anyone can help

OP, ask yourself if he would do these things to someone he works with or a stranger in a shop, etc. I'll bet the answer is NO, so don't feel guilty about his past violence being brought up. He knew what he was doing, so he deserves to be punished. Would you say that someone who sexually abused a child shouldn't be punished because it's 'it's in the past' and the child didn't complain? You didn't deserve anything that he did to you love. Good luck for today.

Does your salary go into your own account or a joint account? If joint, change that today.

Means2anend, try not to worry about the cost. When I went into the hostel the last thing I worried about was the cost, It took a little while to sort but when I split with my ex I worked full time. With the help of the hostel I put in a claim for housing benefit and tax credits as a single parent. It all got very complicated because I was on maternity leave but essentially when I put in a claim for tax credits it took them several months to sort, in the period I was receiving nothing I was entitled to housing benefit and that covered the cost of the hostels.
When they finally sorted out the tax credit they decided because I received the childcare element I wasn't entitled to housing benefit anymore, but whilst the tax credits was backdated from when I put in my claim they didn't take back the housing benefit, it simply stopped for future payments. Whilst I cant guarantee any of this for you, and this was 10 years ago.
Your only focus today should be getting yourself and your son safe. Soon you will have people all around you that will keep you safe, help you sort out your finance, if/when you are rehoused or find somewhere to live yourself there will be charities that can help you with furniture and setting up your home.
This will not be easy but all the services are there.
Today is the first day xx

I think you might be able to claim housing benefit if you can't afford the refuge's rent. Does this help?

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/homelessness/emergency_accommodation_if_homeless/womens_refuges

Not sure if you've seen this?
www.refuge.org.uk/what-we-do/our-services/refuges/living-in-a-refuge/

ReggaeShark is right.

Good luck, OP, I echo others telling you how brave I think you're being. If there is room for you at the refuge, I am sure they will be able to advise you how best to handle this once you're there.

OP I reported my ex for dv last night and too felt guilty about it. He used mental illness as his excuse every time and I believed it, I stayed with him when I shouldn't of, and consoled him afterwards when it was me he had hurt. Having to start life again by yourself is scary but we deserve to be happy, and our dcs will be happier not being brought up around dv. You are such a strong lady

Most important thing is you make you and your child safe by going as soon as possible to the refuge. You have the right to expect to live in a safe home
Perhaps make an arrangement wih the refuge careworker to allow money for your daily necessities, such as nappies/food and other expenses

It does upset me that when people are violent to their partners it is the victim and their children that have to leave and not the perpetrator.
No matter how sorry he is when this calms down, please do not go back - he will use this against you, be even angrier, and if he gets away with it (which be warned, he might) there will be hell to pay. Well done for being so strong I know what a huge decision it is to have to involve the police, it's terrifying, but you have done the right thing.
Once you have a place to stay also go and see your local citizens advice who will be able to help you with the practicalities and next steps.
Someone has already mentioned about bank accounts and I dont mean to pile on the pressure but have a quick think about anything he has access to that he could use against you. When my ex was arrested he marched in to my bank and tried to clear out my accounts and Id just been paid. Luckily the bank knew me and froze the accounts, but I couldn't get access to my money for weeks. Well done - it's going to be a bumpy ride but bear with it, you will be able to look back on this and be very proud of yourself x

Citizens Advice will also be able to advise you about the rent issue

Your ex is an abusive bullying a hole.

He has abused you so much you feel sorry for him.

Yes of course he has some good points, don't we all?

He slapped you in front of your son!

Now your son has witnessed DV and you have suffered massively thanks to this a hole.

Please please do not let this man subject your lovely child to any more abuse if you do you will risk him growing up and being exactly like his father.

I know it's frightening being all at sea with no home etc but please don't give up on escaping abuse.

I know on some level you are attached to this man still but abusive men never stop, they can't change, their ways are ingrained into them.

Be strong, you will find happiness again.

The questions she was asking me about previous incidents have made me feel really guilty. I have told her what hes like but i feel like they shouldnt use that against him when i stayed with him all that time. I feel like he was clueless of how i really felt cos i was too scared to ever tell him. So i feel guilty that now all of a sudden hes been arrested and is going to have all this stuff from the past thrown at him when he had no idea it was coming

Please don't worry about or feel guilty as the only reason these questions are being asked is to assess what risk he poses to you and, unfortunately, he's not "going to have all this stuff from the past thrown at him" nor will he be held accountable for it as there will be insufficient evidence for him to be charged with any historic/past offence(s) against you for the simple reason that none of those incidents have been documented by the police or any other agency.

As you said earlier, it's your word against his. If you didn't sustain any injuries when he physically assaulted you last night it's uncertain as to whether he will be charged with any offence and you're best advised to put that in the lap of the gods to deal with as and when, and in the meantime concentrate on yourself and your dc.

Also please don't worry about the cost of a refuge, or where it is situated, as you don't have to stay any longer than you wish to and the main priority is for you to have the security of a totally safe place where you'll be supported for the next few days at least so that you can begin to recover from the trauma of last night and begin to process the fallout of spending years in an abusive relationship. Think of it as the equivalent of being in a fortress where you'll be able to relax and get a truly sound night's sleep without fear of unwelcome and unwanted intruders.

Take it one step at at a time and don't overthink - concentrate on your ds and know that once your head is in the right place many of the things that you may now believe are 'problems' will disappear.

OP do not for one minute feel guilty for him, see the awful control he has over you is making you feel this way, but it's totally his fault, not yours. No excuses.
I agree with others, don't worry unduly about the cost for now, the refuge can help you apply for housing benefit to pay the rent as well as tax credits, you might be surprised at what you are actually entitled to.

Longingtobehappy well done to you as well for making the break.

It may be harder before it gets easier if you see what I mean but by leaving you've taken the first brave step, don't quit, you are doing the right thjng.

Just came across the thread, and have to leave soon, but just wanted to say well done for reporting him.

Fingers crossed for the refuge. Hopefully, they won't ask for more than you can afford.
But even if so, maybe you could use it as a launch pad for cheaper accommodation.

Hope you are settled somewhere safe c

I hope you and your DS are settled in somewhere safe now OP and that you are getting the hell and support you deserve.

*help and support

Hope they've managed to sort you somewhere safe xx

Sorry i fell asleep before i was meaning to post update. They have sorted hotel for us untill a refuge can take us. I was feeling so positive when we got here yesterday, i even rang my mum and told her what had happened without crying once. This morning my son keeps asking to go home and i dont know what to say back to that. I cant stop crying. I need to take him down for breakfast but im really nervous ive never taken him anywhere on my own before

((((Means2anend)))) Take it in really small chunks. The next chunk is breakfast - let him be excited by all the choice, and the adventure of it for now and make sure you eat something.

You'll be absolutely fine. If he's little, just put him in a high chair and ask one of the staff to watch him for a minute while you grab what you need for breakfast.
Well done for getting this far.
Just tell DS that you're going to be staying somewhere else now, but that you have all his toys and you'll find a better place for him to put them.
Wishing you all the best.

Big breaths you can do this. You are doing what is best for ds he just doesn't understand that. You are very brave and for you x

Your ds needs you to protect him. He's just saying he doesn't like unfamiliar places, not that you've done the wrong thing by removing him from an abusive situation. Stay strong, you need to be safe more than anything else.

You can do this! You're a strong, protective fabulous mum. One step at a time

Breakfast will be fine. Different hotels have different layouts. So either the staff will tell you how it works, or they will expect you to ask them if you don't know. So don't be afraid to ask a staff person what you should do, that is perfectly normal (you won't look silly asking).

You will be fine. :)

If he's like my ds he won't want to leave the hotel because of the breakfast buffet. :)

Hotels can be exciting.

But, him asking about going home may well be uncertainly about the future. I would (and did) tell the truth. That you are moving home and are going in an adventure.
I've missed how old he is, but you could even say it's not safe at home any more and you are going to find a safe place for both of you.

He will love breakfast OP, give him lots of picky bits.

Can you tell him you are on holiday for a bit?

When you are settled OP you will look back on this part of your life proudly & say 'I bloody did it"
and at this very moment, you are doing it!

You are doing amazing, no one can hurt you now. Can you sit and write a list together of things you want to do this year, like visit the zoo etc.

I hope your mum supported you when you rang her. Well done for telling her.

This is the first week of the rest of your life.