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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I did it. Hes been arrested

239 replies

Means2anend · 18/02/2016 00:40

Just need to talk i posted a while ago about abusive boyfriend. He slapped me a few times tonight in front of our son and i called the police and hes been arrested. Ive never reported him before but i just knew this was my chance to get out.
So the police have just left and advised me to stay in a hotel tonight till the dv people can call me tomoro.
I just needed to tell someone, ive got no friends and dont want to tell my family right now.
Any advice on important things to do/pack now and what to do going forward would be good if anyone can help

OP posts:
Original poster
Means2anend · 19/02/2016 10:02

thanks everyone i think we will do soft play so he can let off some energy. Just found out he can eat free at hotel but i have to order a meal for myself for him to eat free. Cheapest adult meal £12, do you think that will work out cheaper than getting food at soft play? They are normally quite expensive arent they?

OP posts:
sarahlou75 · 19/02/2016 10:07

My local one does hot drink refills for £1 (coffee essential!). The food varies in price but you should be able to get a hot sandwich and chips for under £12.

sarahlou75 · 19/02/2016 10:08

They also do an admission ticket for £6 which includes a hot meal for the little one. It probably varies depending on where you are in the country. I'm in the north.

CyclingFanGirl · 19/02/2016 10:09

Hi Means I just wanted to know I've been reading your thread and I am in awe of you and what you have achieved, you are a fantastic Mum and DS will be so proud of you when he understands what you have just done. I hope you manage to find a library or soft play for him to burn some energy and will be thinking of you all day. Flowers

CyclingFanGirl · 19/02/2016 10:09
  • you to know
LittleCandle · 19/02/2016 10:12

Congratulations on coming so far in such a short time! You are doing amazingly well. Think how much you have already done, and remember that you are perfectly capable of doing anything you want to. Your DS is still little, so distraction is your friend there. Soft play sounds brilliant. Keep hold of his hand while walking - carry him for a bit if he plays up - and you will be fine.

I wish you all the best. When times are dark, you know that you have support right here, but please do not ever go back to this man. You are worth so much more than that. Brave lady, I salute you!

AlwaysDancing1234 · 19/02/2016 10:18

Sounds like a good plan.
Usually don't have to be a library member unless you want to check books out. Most libraries have a separate kids area where you don't have to whisper.
Keep going OP you are awesome

HaveIGotAClue · 19/02/2016 10:20

If he only ate a little at breakfast, the smell of the food at soft play will probably make him hungry there, so he might want to eat whatever he sees every other child eat lol that was the case with mine anyway. Will probably be cheaper for both of you there.

BastardGoDarkly · 19/02/2016 10:20

No, cheesy chips for him and a coffee and panini for you should be about £7 but won't fill you up for long.

I'm serious when I say if you want me to stick a tenner in your bank, I will. Just pm me if you need to x

Lweji · 19/02/2016 10:20

You could pop in at the local shop/supermarket and grab food for soft play. Unless they have a strict no outside food policy.

MoominPie22 · 19/02/2016 10:23

I was just quite aghast at that tbh. 3yrs is a long time. But anyway, I´ve not been in this situation so no, it´s hard to understand not being allowed out on your own with your own child. It´s something I´ve taken for granted, as well as having all of my liberties as an independant woman.
However, that doesn´t mean that I´m not fully supporting and impressed with what the OP is going through and achieving.

Meanstoanend this sounds like a big day for you then, infact it´s the first day of the rest of your life Smile Enjoy what the rest of us may have taken for granted all along....freedom. No-one watching over you, no constraints. Just try and relax, be happy and your little one will pick up on your vibes and do likewise. Enjoy! Smile

Original poster
Means2anend · 19/02/2016 10:26

Thanks everyone think il get him lunch at soft play then we can both have dinner here later. I have enough money i just dont want to be wasteful cos i dont know whats going to happen with my job and stuff. Hes getting fed up now so we r going in a minute. Wish us luck! x

OP posts:
HaveIGotAClue · 19/02/2016 10:35

Best of luck! Enjoy it.

coffeeisnectar · 19/02/2016 10:51

Just found this thread and wanted to say well done. You've been so courageous.

midsummabreak · 19/02/2016 11:10

You can go to an internet cafe in the next town/city for lunch? Then maybe keep chatting to women's refuge staff about being referred to a safe place for your child and you?

midsummabreak · 19/02/2016 11:14

Good luck & hope your young son has a blast at soft play

Original poster
Means2anend · 19/02/2016 12:19

we are back already. It was all a bit overwhelming for me and i was on the verge of tears the whole time. He enjoyed himself but hes really big for his age he looks more like 5 and hes only just started talking so he was talking to other kids and they couldnt understand him. I tried to follow him round but he was too quick and then i lost sight of him for a while which made me panic. Then wen i found him i saw him push a little boy over so i took him out and told him off which caused an absolute meltdown (from him lol) then we got taxi back to hotel. Hes Asleep already. Going to let him have a nap and then we'l have to get a late lunch. All the other mums in there looked so chilled and relaxed, i just felt like everyone was judging us the whole time

OP posts:
HaveIGotAClue · 19/02/2016 12:32

Oh believe me - no-one was judging you. If anything, they were probably thanking God that their own ones were pretending to be being angelic at the time...

You did really well! And melt-downs are what little ones do when they're told off. Glad he's asleep.

Any word from the services re. refuge yet?

Original poster
Means2anend · 19/02/2016 12:50

Yes ur right i spose, think i should have picked the library though lol. Idva lady called she is allocating me a worker on monday. Think we will be in hotel till then. She was saying we dont have to go into refuge i could make a homeless application to any borough i like and be rehoused that way. Or i can find my own peivate rental. Id much prefer to get a private tenancy out of borough but near enough that i can still see my family. Does anyone know if there would be any down sides to me doing that or why it wud be wtter to go into a refuge?

OP posts:
tribpot · 19/02/2016 12:51

You did brilliantly. Everyone finds soft play stressful, if the other mums looked relaxed it's because they'd all laced their soft drinks with vodka, hee hee. (Not really, although our local soft play is in a pub so god knows it's tempting).

His behaviour is perfectly normal and you dealt with it exactly as you should have done. Sounds like he found it a bit overwhelming as well, hence the meltdown and crashing out when you got back to the hotel.

You may need to look for some reins or a pushchair so you can keep him in one place when you're out and about in the street, again all quite normal.

Has he had much contact with other children? I'm sure he will find it frustrating that they can't understand him. But his language will come on in leaps and bounds now he's talking.

dunfightin · 19/02/2016 13:54

Keep in contact with IDVA person. Refuge could be a stopgap and there will be help on tap. Sounds as though your confidence has really been knocked by that poor excuse for a partner. Don't rush to decide but I would guess trying a refuge and all the services they can offer - advice, support from workers and other people who have been where you have and with whom you don't have to pretend, groups to rebuild your self-confidence and things such as getting DS a nursery place may be real lifeline. Housing won't be available immediately. Ask IDVA re what to say about work. Get in touch with your GP re a sickness certificate to give yourself time. Also you need to discuss safety planning as presumably he knows where you work
When the police have interviewed him there will a decision about charging and also a safety conference. You are being bloody brilliant. How about something like bath crayons or coloured bath foam, or even just a couple of bath toys to keep DS entertained in the hotel?

tribpot · 19/02/2016 13:57

I would agree, I think a refuge offers you a valuable transition into normal life after what has clearly been a deeply abnormal experience. You will need to work through the Freedom Programme in order to avoid lapsing back into old habits of tolerating abusive behaviour, either with this partner or another. I also think you need a place of safety, and a refuge is the best way to provide this.

HaveIGotAClue · 19/02/2016 13:58

If you could afford NOT to have to go into a refuge, it would be better.

Would you have sufficient money for a month's deposit and a month's rent?

I guess, in a refuge, you are probably supported more. But I think they also link you in well with services anyway after a crime of this nature. Victim support or something - are they the people who have been in touch?

Original poster
Means2anend · 19/02/2016 14:06

Yes idva said that i would get the same support either way but obvs refuge has other families in same situation and a support worker available at all times. Money not so much an issue my parents have a wedding fund for me Hmm they said i can access that any time. Id love to just get my own place sorted so we have a proper place to settle down and call home and start our new lives. Going to speak to housing soon and see what they suggest.

Oh i cant remember if i said but hes been charged with common assault and bailed not to contact me. Court date is a couple of months away. Idva lady said weve been assessed as high risk and it will go to marac but they will tell me more on monday

OP posts:
HaveIGotAClue · 19/02/2016 14:14

That's good. He'll be immediately arrested and held in breach of bail if he does contact you.

Brilliant news about the wedding fund. Call it the Freedom fund lol.

Get your own place, settle in, get childcare sorted, get back to work and busy yourself with these details in the short-term.