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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I did it. Hes been arrested

239 replies

Means2anend · 18/02/2016 00:40

Just need to talk i posted a while ago about abusive boyfriend. He slapped me a few times tonight in front of our son and i called the police and hes been arrested. Ive never reported him before but i just knew this was my chance to get out.
So the police have just left and advised me to stay in a hotel tonight till the dv people can call me tomoro.
I just needed to tell someone, ive got no friends and dont want to tell my family right now.
Any advice on important things to do/pack now and what to do going forward would be good if anyone can help

OP posts:
GuyMartinsSideburns · 19/02/2016 07:40

You are doing brilliantly, I promise you have done the right thing xx

Bohemond · 19/02/2016 08:01

Well done OP. Hope you enjoy breakfast.
Just wanted to say something on feeling guilty about bringing up everything from the past. I have not been in your situation but the way I would look at it is throwing the book at him to save the next mum/sister/daughter he comes into contact with from harm.

BastardGoDarkly · 19/02/2016 08:13

Op, I've only just read your thread, and just wanted to say, you're awesome!! You may not feel it now, but in time you'll know you've done exactly the right thing, the ONLY thing you could do in the circumstances.

How did breakfast go? There will be lots of firsts to conquer, take each one as it comes.

We'll be here cheering you on Flowers

Original poster
Means2anend · 19/02/2016 08:44

Thankyou everyone. Breakfast was ok he was being a bit fussy, didnt eat much but i took some pastrys to keep in my bag for snacks if he wants them later. Hes just turned 3 and doesnt really understand what i mean when i say we are on holiday. We are back in the room now im not sure what to do. The area around the hotel there isnt any parks or anything i can take him to. He keeps saying he wants to go home its breaking my heart.

OP posts:
VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 19/02/2016 08:48

Does it have tv with cable? Maybe watching some cartoons will keep him going. There are usually play areas not too far away when you're in a town, can you ask the hotel staff where the nearest one is?

Peachypossum · 19/02/2016 09:04

You're doing so well.

Try not to worry about your little one wanting to go home, the long term good you are doing for him far outweighs any sadness now, though I appreciate it's easier said. Does the hotel have a pool? Or is there soft play or penny arcades nearby? Somewhere to take him cheaply as a holiday treat? Reall play up the adventure/treat?

I hope you get all the support you need. Don't feel guilty, your ex knew exactly what he was doing and how it impacted on you. I don't have any practical advise but pp have given excellent support, just wanted to post as a mum of teenagers that kids are resilient given time and sometimes you have to do things in your and their best interest that are so hard at the time but when you look back over the years you realise you did the right thing.

Just sending you unmumsnetty hugs and love for you both xxx

Peachypossum · 19/02/2016 09:06

Just had a thought, maybe check local libraries and museums that might be running half term story sessions etc?

Lweji · 19/02/2016 09:08

Check if there's a library or even a supermarket. Sometimes there are small greens with children's areas. Or go for an exploration walk. Being out would be good for you too.

Original poster
Means2anend · 19/02/2016 09:11

Ive got the kids channel on thats keeping him busy for the minute. Looked online they have a soft play nearby i think. Id like to take him there but im really nervous about doing stuff on my own with him ive never been responsible for him out of the house by myself. feel like hel have some horrible accident and it will be my fault for not looking after him properly

OP posts:
HaveIGotAClue · 19/02/2016 09:18

You're a perfectly capable mother. You carried him for 9 months. You gave birth to him. You had the balls to walk out on his abusive bollox of a father. You are a perfectly competent woman. Bring the little lad to soft play and enjoy not being 'watched over' and judged by the prick.

tribpot · 19/02/2016 09:25

Have you got a pushchair for him? Put him in that for the journey to soft play so you don't have to worry about him outside. Once inside he'll be fine, just let him play in the small kids' area and he won't come to any harm. If he bumps himself or cries, that doesn't make you a bad mum, that's just what toddlers do.

You have been conditioned to believe you can't adequately care for him on your own because that made it easier for your abuser to keep you under his thumb. It must have been incredibly difficult for you to break free from that - well done you.

You spoke to your mum yesterday, are your family able to help out?

MoominPie22 · 19/02/2016 09:27

He's 3yrs and your his mother but you've never bn responsible for him outdoors before?Confused ru used to having a chaperone or something?
Well you've done something mega amazing without someone holding your hand so ur def more than capable of takin your own child out to a play area on your own. Wot on earth do u think is gonna happen?
It takes more guts to get out of the situation that u were in than to stay. Ur clearly a lot stronger than u think ur.Flowers

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 19/02/2016 09:35

Moomin can you not imagine how an abusive man might not allow a woman to be responsible for their child? Might undermine her to the point that she feels incapable?
Op, you're doing great. You got this!

AlwaysDancing1234 · 19/02/2016 09:36

You are bloody amazing OP.
Take each section of the day at a time, hour by hour. Your DS wil only be asking to go home because it's all a bit strange to him, you'll soon find your new version of normal and it'll be a safe non abusive one for you both.
I know it must be scary but do think about trying a local library, as its half term soft play may be a bit busy. You can do this OP. ((((hugs))))

Peachypossum · 19/02/2016 09:37

I second haveigotaclue

You can do this, you've done this for 3 years, just in a different place, you can look after him out of the house just as well as you have at home.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 19/02/2016 09:38

moomin many abusers make their victim feel useless and incapable of the most simple things.
Slightly different by at the age of 17 I moved away from my abusive mother. Just going to the shop to buy a newspaper left me a jibberong wreck as I was convinced I'd do everything 'wrong'.
The OP needs support not to panic in what is a totally new and scary situation.

Original poster
Means2anend · 19/02/2016 09:40

Moomin Yes hes 3 and im his mother and ive never taken him anywhere without being with someone else.
Parents supportive offering to come here but i dont think im allowed to tell them where i am. Anyway ive looked on route planner and this place is just round the corner. Dont have buggy so will ask reception if its safe walk and if not we can get cab. Im thinking if we go at about 11ish i can get him some lunch there? Then we can come back and he can have a nap. Havent heard from police or dv team yet today

OP posts:
Original poster
Means2anend · 19/02/2016 09:42

Oh i forgot about half term. Do you have to be a member to go to a library. Ive never taken him to one before. Will he have to be quiet in there cos he talks quite loud we are still working on his indoor voice!

OP posts:
HaveIGotAClue · 19/02/2016 09:43

That sounds like a plan!

And if he falls and bumps his head or something, don't worry, we've got your back. You can do this no problem.

HaveIGotAClue · 19/02/2016 09:44

I wouldn't worry about it being busy, unless noise upsets him. All the more little buddies for him to play with!

pocketsaviour · 19/02/2016 09:45

That sounds like a good plan for this morning, Means

It's normal to be nervous doing stuff you haven't done before. You're doing really really well.

Lweji · 19/02/2016 09:46

The secret is to grab his hand and never leg go. :)

Try to sound positive and excited about things. He'll pick up on your mood and fears. Point out flowers, animals, houses, clouds.

Remember to take a deep breath. And feel the smell of freedom. :)

Lweji · 19/02/2016 09:48

Most libraries will have a children's area.

At my old one, they even had toys there for children.

You won't need to be a member, only to take books out. But you can stay there for as long as you want and it's likely that there will be other children and even activities.

I used to go a lot with DS before he started nursery.

Peachypossum · 19/02/2016 09:50

I don't think you have to be a member unless you take books out. There's normally a children's area and people will be used to toddlers being there. My two haven't worked out indoor voices yet and they are mid teens ;)

sarahlou75 · 19/02/2016 09:51

I've been reading your thread and you are doing so well! Flowers
You don't have to be a member to go to a library. Most of them have a great kids section and it's fine to be noisy. With it being half term they may have activities on. There is usually colouring too. I've found libraries to be great spaces with small DC. If you feel soft play would be too overwhelming try the the library.
You have made the break now, and it seems like everything is unsure. You are a brilliant mum because you have put the safety of your DS and yourself first. It won't be easy and you will feel lost. Accept all the support you can.
One day you will wake up and it won't be the first thing on your mind. You'll catch yourself laughing, not second guess every decision. You'll find who you are again.
You are brave and you can do this Flowers