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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I did it. Hes been arrested

239 replies

Means2anend · 18/02/2016 00:40

Just need to talk i posted a while ago about abusive boyfriend. He slapped me a few times tonight in front of our son and i called the police and hes been arrested. Ive never reported him before but i just knew this was my chance to get out.
So the police have just left and advised me to stay in a hotel tonight till the dv people can call me tomoro.
I just needed to tell someone, ive got no friends and dont want to tell my family right now.
Any advice on important things to do/pack now and what to do going forward would be good if anyone can help

OP posts:
Jitterybug · 18/02/2016 07:30

Good luck means today is the first day of your new life Flowers

Curlywurly4 · 18/02/2016 07:31

What a brave and courageous thing you have done. You must be exhausted but it will be so worth it Thanks

RubyChewsDay · 18/02/2016 07:36

It is the job of the proffesionals to help you, but I dont think your mum would see it as a burden to help you and her grandson OP,

Keep going, you can do it x

wallywobbles · 18/02/2016 07:47

Could you rent a storage space? Then you could take everything straight to there if possible before he is released? They seem to be open 24h/day. So maybe you could find a man with a van and do that.

Mooey89 · 18/02/2016 07:53

Just wanted to leap in OP and say you are being amazing.
2 years ago last decemeber I left my ex after he strangled me at Christmas. I walked out of our house with DSs birth certificate, passport, our marriage certificate, and the clothes on our backs, literally. DS was only 6 months old.
It has been a hard slog. But now, I have my own little house, DS is 2.5, full of beans and so happy and well adjusted, and the misery feels like a distant dream. I used to fantasise about killing myself because I couldn't think of any other way out.

You are doing so well. It is a dangerous time, so make noises to the professionals. Get all the help you can, and don't look back.
Be prepared for him to be nice as pie, promise change, promise the world, threaten suicide, custody, the full works. It's a complete script and it is all bullshit.

Well done! X

DoreenLethal · 18/02/2016 07:53

Well done love. You are doing the right thing and being very sensible about it.

Don't forget to eat today though.

Loveleopardprint · 18/02/2016 07:56

Been reading your thread. Well done OP!! Just had a little thought. Make sure if you have any kind of "find my phone app" on your phone that you turn it off. It might give away your location. Good luck. I hope today goes ok.

MoanyMoany · 18/02/2016 07:57

good luck, hope today is a good one. stay strong you can do this!!

Original poster
Means2anend · 18/02/2016 07:59

Thankyou for all your messages. It means alot to get some encouragement and positive stories. Just giving son breakfast then will call helpline. I dont really have much to take, no furniture just clothes and toys really. Ive packed one big suitcase and 3 large handbags. Do u think that will be too much to take to a refuge? I wouldnt need to come back for anything if i can take all that with me today.

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 18/02/2016 07:59

Is your little one of an age to enjoy soft play? Could you spend an hour or two there this morning until you get sorted?

Flowers
GloriaHotcakes · 18/02/2016 08:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anaffaquine123 · 18/02/2016 08:05

I hope you are on the phone and getting a refuge place. You are being strong and calm. Well done, keep going.

bb888 · 18/02/2016 08:06

Good luck for today and getting sorted. Well done for getting out Flowers

Lightbulbon · 18/02/2016 08:17

That's not too much, no.

This is the hardest part, once you have women's aid involved you'll have a worker who can explain everything to you.

ClarkL · 18/02/2016 08:21

well done OP, this cant be easy. In all my experience of hotels you should be fine to turn up anytime, tell them of your reservation and leave your cases with them, you can either hang around in their lobby/bar/cafe area or know your cases are safe and find a coffee shop to make some calls from, even a museum. Many people freelance and work from coffee shops and hotels so don't feel like you shouldn't be there are all - the good news with these places is they often have charging points!
Do you have joint bank account or emails he can access? Make sure any hotel reservation you make cannot be seen by him. If you need to withdraw cash and pay.
It will get hard, but do not worry - everyone here will be here when you need to vent, ask for help or simply when it all gets too much.
I was in a bedsit when I left my violent partner, I was moved to a family hostel and then a refuge. It was really tough but I'd say within 6 months to 1 year I really felt like I'd got my life back on track, and whilst it feels like forever while you are living it, 1 year isn't long if it means you and your son are away from this man and his violence.
Stay strong and remember you are worth so much more than what that man can give you xx

AJ279 · 18/02/2016 08:21

You are amazing. Well done on getting you and your son out! Good luck Thanks

Original poster
Means2anend · 18/02/2016 08:22

Just spoke to dv officer at police she is going to speak to someone about getting us into refuge and said he wont be released till thats sorted. The questions she was asking me about previous incidents have made me feel really guilty. I have told her what hes like but i feel like they shouldnt use that against him when i stayed with him all that time. I feel like he was clueless of how i really felt cos i was too scared to ever tell him. So i feel guilty that now all of a sudden hes been arrested and is going to have all this stuff from the past thrown at him when he had no idea it was coming. I just want them to tell him off then let him go and him never contact me again but i know thats not possible. Feeling pretty shit right now

OP posts:
WitchWay · 18/02/2016 08:24

Don't feel guilty. He doesn't deserve that!

Pringlesandwine · 18/02/2016 08:25

Good luck for today and all the days that follow. You and your son deserve happiness and safety. And please don't feel bad about your ex getting what he deserves for his past behaviour. That was his choice, his actions and now his punishment. Xx

DoreenLethal · 18/02/2016 08:27

I feel like he was clueless of how i really felt

No love - abusers know that the abuse they give keeps their partners down. It's their choice to be nasty rather than be nice.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 18/02/2016 08:35

The fact that you didn't leave before doesn't mean that he didn't know he was doing wrong.
He's been violent to you before, don't feel guilty because he's finally going to be held accountable for it.
The police need as much information as possible- if you hold things back then the case will be weaker and he may not end up being sentenced at all.

bb888 · 18/02/2016 08:48

Of course he know its wrong to assault people, he wouldn't have told anyone else he was doing it would he?

At least now if he gets a conviction that might be some protection for the next unfortunate woman who gets involved with him

glamorousgrandmother · 18/02/2016 08:57

Just read this thread. Don't feel guilty about what he has done in the past. The fact that you feel like this is evidence of his controlling behaviour. Well done and good luck.

Original poster
Means2anend · 18/02/2016 09:03

Another dv officer called. She is referring me to refuge but said because i work i will probably be expected to pay towards it and its normally quite expensive. Waiting for refuge to contact me now but im worried i might not be able to afford it. Dont know what will happen if thats the case

OP posts:
Happynow1 · 18/02/2016 09:06

when my ex was arrested, I cried an begged my dad to go an visit him to check he was 'ok'. I felt guilty like ur doing now. He was sent down an served 8 months. He has never changed he is still as twisted as ever - everything he did in the past he makes out like I imagined it or somehow deserved it!?! DO NOT FEEL GUILTY, he won't be. Once your sorted with somewhere to stay, u need to get counciling, not because ur not strong, because u are so strong for being in that relationship an not telling anyone, to protect them an save them from worrying. U need counciling because he's trained your brain to believe he's the victim - he's not. I hated that word at first, I didn't want to be known as a victim, but I was an that's made me the person I am now. Good luck, stay strong x