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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I did it. Hes been arrested

239 replies

Means2anend · 18/02/2016 00:40

Just need to talk i posted a while ago about abusive boyfriend. He slapped me a few times tonight in front of our son and i called the police and hes been arrested. Ive never reported him before but i just knew this was my chance to get out.
So the police have just left and advised me to stay in a hotel tonight till the dv people can call me tomoro.
I just needed to tell someone, ive got no friends and dont want to tell my family right now.
Any advice on important things to do/pack now and what to do going forward would be good if anyone can help

OP posts:
Means2anend · 18/02/2016 02:40

Im in a large town close to large city, sorry dont want to say too much. I think il call dv helpline again now and see what they can advise about where to go in the morning. Id rather not be hanging around a public place if i can help it. He wouldnt know where i am but i still wouldnt feel very safe doing that.

OP posts:
AlwaysDancing1234 · 18/02/2016 02:47

That does give you more options then. But I agree ring the DV helpline and they can give you more personally relevant information.
Then try and get a little rest (easier said than done I know). Hugs for you.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 18/02/2016 03:00

I know you say you've got no friends but just to offer an option you may not have thought about, if you were an old friend of mine who had lost contact, I would answer the phone/door and welcome you in with cups of tea, sympathy, bedding and clean towels to give you some space until you could sort out your own accommodation. Is there someone like that you could rely on? Or maybe your mum - she was good enough to legally become a guarantor for him, would she be able to put you up at all?

And, well done - you've done the right thing.

Keep posting, mumsnetters will support you through Flowers

AlwaysDancing1234 · 18/02/2016 03:03

I agree with decaff do reach out to someone for real life support if you are able to OP.

diggerdigsdogs · 18/02/2016 03:16

Some hotels do early check in. All you can do is call and ask. You don't need to explain. Just call and say "do you have a room for tonight? What's the earliest I can check in?"

You can do this OP.

goddessofsmallthings · 18/02/2016 03:22

If you've got a stack of luggage and a small dc plus buggy, I don't recommend hanging around bus or train stations but you'd be safe in a Starbucks/Costa Coffee or even a greasy spoon cafe.

But, once again, don't panic as if he's in for the night the chances are he won't be released until mid-morning as there'll be a shift change, plus breakfast for those in custody, and a sorting out of which overnight guests are due to appear in the Magistrates this morning, before he'll be put on the list to be dealt with.

With luck they might charge him and keep him for another night pending an appearance in the Magistrates' on Friday morning, but the chances are he'll be released mid-morning either after having accepted a caution or on police bail pending further investigation.

In any event, you know that the woman you spoke to at the police station will call you if his case is dealt with before 7am and you can, of course, call after that time to find out what the state of play is - and I strongly suggest you do so as it may save you being out in the cold for longer than you have to be.

Keep the possibility of checking into a hotel as a back up plan because your local council has a statutory duty to house you, albeit that this may be in temporary accomodation such as a hotel or b&b. Most council housing offices open to the public c9am, but it's often the case that the Town Hall itself is open 24/7 as it's usually where the out of hours teams can be found.

If you're anxious to leave on or shortly after 7am, I suggest you ask the police to convey you, dc, plus luggage, to the Town Hall and when you arrive tell the porters or other door staff that you are staying put until such time as you are given safe accomodation to go to.

Ideally the police should arrange for you to be collected from your current residence by a dv worker escorted by the police this a.m and taken to a refuge where you'll be given all of the support you need.

However, it's unlikely that you will be allocated a place in a refuge near your current address and you may need to ask your employers for leave of absence if you're unable to commute. As your exbf may decide to turn up at your work being absent for a while will be an advantage.

On balance I would suggest you go for the refuge option as the accomodation is likely to be better than what the council may offer you, you won't be alone with dc in a strange place and, above all, you will be SAFE from harm.

Alternatively, you could ask the police to take you to the home of a family member or, indeed, ask them to collect you, dc, and paraphenalia, and install you in a room at the police station where you won't come into contact with exbf while you wait for dv workers to assist you.

RubyChewsDay · 18/02/2016 03:35

Well done OP, you will be ok, you really will.

Can you ring family? Im sure they would want to help you, and wouldnt want you doing this alone.

Flowers keep going, your doing the very best for you and your son x

goddessofsmallthings · 18/02/2016 03:54

If I had a dc and dgc or a friend in your situation, OP, I would not want them to go through this alone and, regardless of what might have gone before, I'd take them into my home at any hour of the day or night.

Dontdrinkandfacebook · 18/02/2016 03:57

OP can't you go to your mum's? Now is not the time to be paying out for hotels. You will need your money to plan your future away from him.

I know it's a bit late to say this now, but I wonder why on earth your own mother stood as guarantor for him on the tenancy but it didn't occur to anyone to put you on it? ShockConfused

How old is your DS? Unless he's at an age where he really can't miss school then I would go to Mum's even if it's a good distance away. Take as long as you need to get your head together but go to CAB or speak to your letting agent about the situation with the rent and find out where you stand.

Also asap do whatever you need to do to get a non-molestation order/injunction out on him so even if he comes near you in the street you have grounds to call the police and have him arrested immediately.

coconutpie · 18/02/2016 04:00
Flowers

Can you call your family and ask for help?

Means2anend · 18/02/2016 04:16

Hi guys a managed to get a bit of sleep so thats good. Im going to call the station at 7, see how much time ive got and then work out my plan from there.
We've been together along time, old friends are long gone, there is probably a few people i could call on for help but i dont have anyones contact details anymore and i think id rather rely on the professionals for help so i wont feel like i am burdening anyone. At least thats their job to help!
When i woke up just now it all came flooding back whats happened tonight, it doesnt feel real. I guess im going to need to be really strong for the forseeable and just remember that im doing this for my son. Its good to have somewhere to talk without troubling anyone so thanks.
I guess I will need to tell my parents why ive left but i dont went to go into details i dont want to worry them. Will speak to them tomorrow but dont want to stay there as we wouldnt be safe from him there.

OP posts:
NNalreadyinuse · 18/02/2016 04:20

Hi, just wanted to add that if your son goes to nursery or school, let them know what is happening and that they mustn't release your son into your ex's care. They may try and say that if he has PR they have no choice but this is a safeguarding issue and you need to make sure he cannot get to you through your child.

goddessofsmallthings · 18/02/2016 04:41

While he's tearing his hair out locked up in the custody suite you've got time to think about the best way forward for you and go through your home like a dose of salts checklist of what to take - don't worry about how many cases you pack; take everything you need and value as it's probable the twunt will seek to relieve his temper on what you leave behind.

The more you've added to your OP the more convinced I've become that a refuge is the best option for you as you will be out of his reach and he won't be able to find out where you are. An additional advantage is that you may be able to go from a refuge placement into permanent and affordable social/council housing without having to spend months/years in temporary accomodation.

Try to grab another couple of hours' sleep and update your thread as and when you can.

Good luck for today and don't be afraid to assert yourself if it looks as if the police/dv agencies are dragging their heels.

goddessofsmallthings · 18/02/2016 05:32

Having now read your earlier thread, you and your dc very definitely need the safety of a refuge with its workers and other residents supporting you all the way to the freedom that will be yours sooner than you may currently think possible.

He may be a 'hard man' when it comes to beating on women, but it's not uncommon for twunts like him cry like babies when they're banged up even for a short time and it's to be hoped tnat his brief period behind bars goes some way to convincing him that you are not to be messed with.

Your life is going to be so much better without him in it - give it a couple of months and you won't know yourself!

Means2anend · 18/02/2016 06:02

Thanks goddess i hope you're right. Im getting a bit more anxious now the offices will be opening in a couple of hours so i need to start thinking properly about what to do/ where to go. I cant think straight im exhausted just want to go to sleep and wake up when this is all over. Going to ring station soon just for some reassurance that he wont be out in the next hour or so.

OP posts:
Means2anend · 18/02/2016 06:19

Ive rang a few hotels they dont have rooms till this afternoon but im thinking if i just get a cab to a hotel we can stay in the reception/lobby area untill i know what will happen next. would that be ok or would i need to have a room booked to just hang around in their lobby? Id have all our bags with me aswel. Sorry for the stupid questions

OP posts:
FrancisdeSales · 18/02/2016 06:27

I'd chose a hotel that was as far out of your area as was reasonable. Maybe spending the morning taking a train in a direction which he is not familiar with and getting a hotel there?

tribpot · 18/02/2016 06:29

No, it should be fine just to hang out in the lobby. Lots of people do that for business meetings and so on - buy a cup of tea from them every now and then you should be fine. But will you be able to keep your ds occupied in a hotel lobby?

Do you have your phone charger packed? Phone has plenty of credit? You won't be able to charge up in the hotel lobby and you definitely need to be getting on to a refuge today.

Morasssassafras · 18/02/2016 06:48

Have you tried ringing women's aid. I agree with pp that said refuge would be best and they will absolutely try to get you in somewhere today so don't worry about hotels for now. Does your town hall deal with housing benefit? If it does then another option would be to go there this morning and ask to see a duty housing officer, they can help you access a refuge.

What did the police say about releasing him?

donajimena · 18/02/2016 06:51

Just a thought..do you have a women's aid number? It may be that you spoke to a national number last night and might get more help today. It just seems odd that you have been told to check into a hotel. But of course you must get away regardless.

Means2anend · 18/02/2016 06:55

Yes got charger and full battery. Right, police said he definitely wont be interviewed before 9am. Womens aid opens at 9.30. Think dv helpline said refuges open at 8 so will ring dv helpline at 8 and see if i can get refuge sorted to save hanging round in hotel.

OP posts:
hesterton · 18/02/2016 07:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morasssassafras · 18/02/2016 07:08

Plenty of time to get yourself breakfast then. I doubt you really feel like eating but today could be long so do eat if you can.

GeneralGrevious · 18/02/2016 07:18

You are very brave, keep going

DixieNormas · 18/02/2016 07:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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