Husband working away with female colleague, would you be ok with this?

[baubloxx]

My husband’s current project involves him staying away 4 nights a week in a hotel and a woman from his team does the same. He has always told me that they have dinner together but at the weekend dropped in ‘we watched that’ about a TV programme then said that sometimes they watch TV together in one of their rooms.

I didn’t say anything at the time but have been thinking about it since and the more I do the more I don’t like it. I trust him that he wouldn’t do anything and sees this as innocently keeping each other company but spending every evening together, sometimes in a private hotel room feels too intimate. Am I being silly or would this bother other people?

This is pretty common in my industry. But I don't really watch tv with the other person. I need my personal space! Also I want some time to get on the phone to my DH.

Weight, age, looks - DrSeth, that is very shallow. People are attracted/attractive for many reasons. Sometimes the reason is simply opportunity

It's not controlling Seth, it's pretty simple. Do it if you want but I'm getting a divorce if it carries on. And it's the same both ways. We don't make eachother stay in the marriage, but neither of us would put up with that behaviour and would walk. If we are both happy then I don't see why it matters. Personally if I was you I would have stopped seeing that friend as my marriage is more important. But I suppose that's why you're not together anymore.

That's great, drseth. You and that ex partner obviously did not have compatible boundaries.

It doesn't mean hers were wrong. They were just different to yours.

Hopefully your next partner will be a better match in that regard.

Marchate - yes it is shallow. But don't tell me that there aren't women on this thread who say they are appalled at the very idea of two opposite sex colleagues being in a bedroom together no matter how innocent, but if they were honest wouldn't care two hoots if the woman concerned was 60 and clinically obese. It is not simply about opportunity and as a previous single female poster mentioned, she hates being tarred with a brush simply because she's an attractive single woman.

Dontcare I find it hard to believe that in the op's situation she wouldn't change her opinions... Finding condoms and the whole 'we' thing? How can that not bother a husband or wife

Wardy So, if your husband said he didn't want you to spend any time one-on-one with a female friend you'd known all your life, you would dump that friend for your husband?

Seriously, the gender of the friend shouldn't matter. Because, you know, two men or two women in a hotel room on their own also might take the opportunity. Because, you know, some people are actually bisexual. Or closeted gay.

I've already had to do that Seth. A friend of mine didn't like my husband. She is no longer a friend. I would do it again in a heartbeat as I know he would. You may not like this but it is how it is. Might be the extreme part of the spectrum but it works for us. If I found condoms amongst his personal things he would be on lock down

OH, I think her boundaries were wrong. And I used to be like her, and then got over myself.

Our big boss regularly invites one of the guys for one-on-one drinks/activities after work. This is prime networking time for the guys, getting to rub shoulders with the big guy in a relaxed setting. Guess what: I only ever get lunches in the staff restaurant.

Or the big boss should stop socialising after work with anyone.

I am not at all 'appalled' at the very idea of two opposite sex colleagues in the same bedroom.

You are exaggerating!

It's something I wouldn't expect my dh to do - he is completely unlikely to want to do it anyway.

Wardy I think there is a difference in that situation you describe. My partner liked my friend perfectly well - in fact they used to socialise together away from me as well. Until she became single. For some reason, some women seem to think a woman who is single is somehow a threat.

Do people think if they're fine with this sort of thing then nothing will happen? - just because it wouldn't bother you doesn't mean he hasn't got ulterior motives.

Wardy, so are you suggesting I should be dowdy and stop brushing my hair because it might make the wife of some co-worker feel more comfortable about her husband working alongside me? Because that is ridiculous. I'm not that young but I am reasonably attractive. I can't help that (and more to the point: wouldn't want to, and I most certainly don't owe it to some woman who just so happens to be married to some guy who just so happens to work at the same firm as me!)

The notion that halfway decent looking women should be approached with an extra arm-length of distance is just ... sexist. This is my job. I work with these men. I have not chosen them as my co-workers (well, I have some, but again: that's my job!). The notion that I'm supposed to relate to them differently than my male co-workers relate to each other for fear that one of them might potentially consider me sexually attractive strikes me as positively Saudi Arabian.

Yes, people in LTRs find people other than their spouses attractive sometimes. It's certainly happened to me and I'm sure it happens to my co-workers. Possibly one or two of them thinks that they wouldn't mind me. But my chances of being the secret crush are no better than those of the nanny, the tennis coach or the physiotherapist. The one co-worker who I know had a workplace affair shagged the office cleaning lady.

And, no, I wouldn't have minded in the case of my ExH. He is bisexual, so I would have had to have been on guard about literally every single person that he ever encountered. Way too stressful for my taste!

Do people think if they're fine with this sort of thing then nothing will happen? - just because it wouldn't bother you doesn't mean he hasn't got ulterior motives.

Things can happen anyway. That is the point people are making.

Ham that's not what I suggested at all, but you're the one placing so much emphasis on your looks. Dowdy or pretty, single or taken, I wouldn't be letting my husband hang around in hotel rooms with other women.

Wardy, I mentioned being attractive because it was suggested on this thread that it would be less of an issue if the female co-worker was decidedly undesirable. Which, as stated, strikes me as rather unfair. We don't really choose our looks (and in my line of work good presentation is de rigeur).

FWIW, one of my male co-workers is a stunner and certainly not someone I'd say no to under other circumstances. He's also my subordinate and in a committed LTR - these are two very good reasons not to even think about it! All I'm suggesting is that this is how normal people approach workplace relationships.

Now, a cheat is obviously going to be a cheat and an opportunity will always present itself somehow ...

From the way you take it sounds as if all the men want you and it's only you saying no that stops these affairs happening. You're very assuming. I can't imagine you're that irresistible...

from the way you talk*

Actually, I didn't get that impression at all...

Well I did!

Magical Can you understand the reasons for your colleagues wives being suspicious of you? They don't know you and even if they did it's not very reassuring to realise that it's your boundaries that may be keeping their men in line.

Or the big boss should stop socialising after work with anyone.
He could easily make sure 1-2-1s only happen at lunchtime, and if it's after work, then it must be a group of at least three (including him.)

By the way, it wasn't an issue of working with other women, my husband works in an office full of women, there are only two men including himself. But regardless of looks, it would not be ok for any of them to be in a hotel bedroom with him. And I find it reassuring to know that it's not the WOMEN he works with making the boundaries, it's both of US.

Reading some of these comments really does make me value my relationship even more. 'I wouldn't let my husband...' 'I wouldn't allow'. It's honestly never occurred to me that I could not allow my partner to do anything. What right do I have to say you're not allowed to do this or that.

I mean if it's equally applied and you're both happy then go nuts but it seems completely alien to me.