Husband working away with female colleague, would you be ok with this?

[baubloxx]

My husband’s current project involves him staying away 4 nights a week in a hotel and a woman from his team does the same. He has always told me that they have dinner together but at the weekend dropped in ‘we watched that’ about a TV programme then said that sometimes they watch TV together in one of their rooms.

I didn’t say anything at the time but have been thinking about it since and the more I do the more I don’t like it. I trust him that he wouldn’t do anything and sees this as innocently keeping each other company but spending every evening together, sometimes in a private hotel room feels too intimate. Am I being silly or would this bother other people?

I fully disagree that of someone goes into another colleague room then it has to be because they are up for sex.

It CAN be interpretated like this which then CAN lead to a lot of issues at work, people being uncomfortable etc...
But it can also be two people who have spent so much time together that they have grown to be friends. That's what happens with work doesn't it? You go out for the Christmas party, a drink after work, have lunch together and discover a very good friend.
The issue is then of course, can someone of the opposite sex be a friend? Would you think it's an issue if you knew that said colleague was homosexual for example?

I do have an issue with this idea that people, and men in general, just can't control themselves in front of someone if the opposite sex. And that they WILL have sex with that person if they have the opportunity. I would hope that most people are above that. And certainly would expect my partner to be above that because, otherwise, I would be spending my time looking over my shoulder at what he is going. Not great to develop trust.

Sounds absolutely fine to me, wouldn't bother me.

I used to work away an awful lot and was often the only single woman with a lot of married men. I'd happily have dinner/drinks with them, either 2 of us or in a group, but would NEVER spend time in their hotel room or mine. To me that is crossing a line.

That is not to say it wasn't suggested by one of the men from time to time in a 'do you want to watch that on TV in my room?' but I steered very clear of that kind of behaviour so was never able to tell if such an invitation was entirely innocent or not.

I'd speak to him, that sort of intimacy isn't normal in a working environment to me.

Some people are so naive about how most affairs start aren't they?

Do you have experience?

Yes.

Not with dh though.

And I have read enough threads on MN and read enough articles to know that most people don't set out to cheat. So the whole 'If he wants to cheat he will find a way' is pretty inaccurate. Some people might be the type to go out looking for someone to shag, but mostly they start in the work place, after spending lots of time with someone, and boundaries becoming blurred. These people weren't looking to cheat, it all started off innocently enough. That's not an excuse for cheating and it doesn't make it ok.

Surprisingly, the infidelity that I’m seeing these days is of a new sort. It’s not between people who are intentionally seeking thrills, as is commonly believed. The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love. Eighty-two percent of the unfaithful partners I’ve treated have had an affair with someone who was, at first, “just a friend.” Well-intentioned people who had not planned to stray

www.shirleyglass.com/introduction.htm

There is plenty of other articles to back that up.

Others would be ok with what the OP's dh is doing and that is great, but some of the replies do show a lack of understanding about how most affairs start and it really isn't a case of people going out looking for someone to cheat with, although of course those people exist but it isn't the majority.

I do wonder, though, if those people are being honest with themselves, because at some point they must have realised that there was the risk of becoming an affair. Or even becoming emotionally more serious, even if there is no sexual cheating.
In particular, they must have realised that at some point there was the risk that the "friend" became more important than the partner. Or simply didn't care.

Personally, I'd be more aware and impose more boundaries on someone I clicked well with, than a colleague that I got on well with but not particularly close.

But in relation to our partners, should we trust them to exercise the same type of judgement? And if not, why not?

When you had the affair/fell for another person, but not with dh, do you think you valued your relationship enough? But value with dh now, or it simply hasn't happened?

I didn't value my relationship where I cheated no. It was an awful relationship and we both broke the trust and betrayed each other.

I value my husband and would never, ever want to hurt him, I have no desire to sleep with anyone else and we have a great marriage. I am also a decade older, more mature and less selfish.

I was thinking about your post and you are right in many ways, I would impose firmer boundaries with someone I was becoming attracted to. Well I hope I would be able to see it coming and act accordingly and I'm very sure I would be smart enough to see it happening even if it was gradual, but apparently from everything I've read many claim that it was so gradual that they didn't see they were crossing boundaries until the EA was well under the way. You might be right and it could be a case of people just not being honest.

I can't actually find anything to disagree with, you have given me a lot to think about.

When I go away, I never go into other colleagues' hotel rooms, except perhaps to call for them, but no, perching on the bed trying to watch telly is absolutely out, both for male and female colleagues. My hotel room is my little sanctuary, although this may be a bit different if four days a week. If my husband was watching TV on the bed with another woman, yes, I would find that strange, and I cannot imagine any circumstances in which I would be doing this myself (and I do travel for work).

Personally, I'd be more aware and impose more boundaries on someone I clicked well with, than a colleague that I got on well with but not particularly close.

A thousand times this!

The one colleague I'm guarded around is the one whom I know I fancy a little and who probably fancies me a little, too. I don't touch him in ways that I wouldn't think twice about if it were someone else, for instance, and would never go for one-on-one drinks.

It's not that I don't want to be around him - he's lovely - but he's the one person who I think could spell danger, so I steer well clear of anything that could even be construed as flirtation.

He's not even married, BTW, I'm just a very firm believer in the principle of 'never fuck the company'!

No I wouldn't like it. I spent years travelling and staying in hotels with male colleagues and while we would have dinner together every night (and a night cap or 5 in the bar), going to each other's room would be crossing a line - for me.

The Op will probably never know if something is going on. If it is, he won't say. You could wonder why he even mentioned that they'd watched TV - surely if he was guilty, he'd not mention it? Er, no. If anyone had seen her go to his room, he has to get in first with a cover story.

Some men could be locked in a hotel room with a glamour model and not cheat, even if the opportunity was there.

Some men could be in a hotel room with any woman, glamorous or plain, and will try their arm for a bit of sex, because that's the kind of guy they are.

Throw in a bit of alcohol and weeks of closeness, and you could throw both scenarios in the air and the chips could fall in a way you might not think.

Getting to the point of them both being in the hotel room, is the sticking point for me. How does one person say "do you want to come to my room", without there being an awkward moment?

I've worked away for months on end, with male and female colleagues. We worked together during the day, ate dinner together at night....not once EVER did I invite anybody back to my room. That was my private space to relax, throw on jammies, watch TV, call my family. And I was NEVER invited to anyone else's room. Tbh, after spending all day and evening with them, they were actually getting on my nerves!

How does one person say "do you want to come to my room", without there being an awkward moment?

"Did you see that Sam Cam's going to be on Bake Off?"
"I love Bake Off, I wonder if she's any good."
"Do you want to watch it instead of going to the bar?"
"Yeah OK then, bit fed of of the bar."

"Did you see that Sam Cam's going to be on Bake Off?"
"I love Bake Off, I wonder if she's any good."
"Do you want to watch it instead of going to the bar?"
"Yeah OK then, bit fed of of the bar."

You see if someone said that to me I'd say watch it where? because it wouldn't occur to me a work colleague would be inviting me to his room to watch tv.

And even if I thought it was fine there is still going to be that "well will we go to your room or mine?" chat. I don't really want to say the words "your hotel room or mine?" to a work colleague nor do I want to scurry in to clear my undies off the dresser before the two of us enter the bedroom. And then what if someone wants to use the bathroom while watching tv - way more intimacy than I want with anyone at work.

Obviously this is something that is normal for some people and completely out of the ordinary for others (I am in the "my jaw would drop if any colleague - male or female - invited me back to watch tv in their room" camp).

"I"m sick of paying these prices for a bottle of wine - shall we get one from Sainsbury/Tesco and go and watch the [football/film/latest reality show] upstairs? Your room or mine?"

"Let's go to mine - I've got the extra sofa and chairs in mine, so there's more room to spread out"

... is how I could quite easily imagine it playing out.

But we'll never know what the OP's situation is because she's clearly not coming back to this thread!

All we're left with is what I'd do, what you'd do, what you don't want to do, what she thinks is acceptable/unacceptable.

I totally get that people will have different views, and expectations of what's acceptable or not, but I'm rather sad and not a little shocked at how little other posters seem to trust their partners.

I think it's lovely that so many people wouldn't have a problem with it because they trust their partner.

But some of us are more cynical because we've had some experience of how trusting someone unconditionally in the past has backfired, or we have good friends who have experienced it.

How many women post on here because their lives have been turned upside down because the partner they trusted, the good guy, the family man they've known for decades, has embarked on an affair?

How many times do women post that their partner doesn't love them any more but there definitely isn't an ow, and she believes this because he'd never ever do that? And then she finds out that there was an ow all along.

It is actually pretty offensive to insinuate that those of us who understand how affairs start, even in happy marriages, are simply over-protective or have picked the wrong men.

We are not talking about a one-off here, they are working away together regularly, sitting in a bedroom together regularly.

This is how my stbxh's affair started. Someone he had worked with for years without attraction or incident. Suddenly they're on a project together and working away often. Over a year their relationship, through shared experience and conversation, through gradually discussing more private things, through spending more downtime with her than with me during the working week, developed into something inappropriate.

I think it would be respectful of op's partner to remove any real or perceived temptation by avoiding being alone in a bedroom with his work colleague, it's not even difficult to do.

Near the beginning I was picked up on for saying the use of 'we' referring to him + colleague would set alarm bells ringing for me

Obviously depends how the conversation went. We'll never find out now as the thread was a plant, to get us going - it worked!

'We watched that' sounds far too friendly & normalised to me. Maybe I'm too suspicious & cynical

It isn't a question of trust though, BIWI. I trust my husband completely and I trust myself not to end up in a clinch with a colleague too. it is more a question of workplace boundaries for me.

But I do think people who are faithful and trustworthy manage intimacy well - they pull back when they see any friendships or work situations edge into dangerously intimate territory.

But I couldn't be bothered trying to figure out the OP's particular situation since she hasn't come back to the thread.

Song I have to say, for me, it's an issue of CHOICE.
I have chosen to trust my DH rather than thinking about whether I need to be monitoring what he is doing in case it could become an affair.
I am chosing to trust because the other choice is to live wo trust and in fear and I don't want that life.
Maybe I'm naive.
I do understand why you would feel it's not possible to fully trust yopur partner if you have gone through that though. I think it's a very normal reaction. And feeling you can trust again someone else will take a long time, I'm pretty sure.

However, I agree with Can that my issue would be more boundaries at work and all the risks it entails. I wouldn't go there at all (and that's knowing that I met DH at work ...) and I would have a woprd with him about it.

I worked away for years and never once entered the hotel room of a colleague. It's not about trusting myself or dh trusting me (or vice versa) - we trust each other absolutely - it's about appropriate boundaries with colleagues.

Your dh referring to himself and his colleague as "we" would raise a few questions for me OP.

SongBird16

I don't think you can claim to understand how affairs start if you haven't had one.
You've had it reported by your OH.

It also doesn't really matter whether we would like or not our partners to spend time in their rooms with anyone.
Even if we are against anything they do, we do not know what they are up to when we can't see them. So we have to trust them. And risk that they they don't deserve our trust.

The affair your OH had, presumably, wouldn't have occurred with a male partner. He'd have had to impose his own boundaries, but it looks like he didn't care to.

This was my experience but I wouldn't say this is always the case. My Ex-H worked abroad with a female colleague. He had an affair with her whilst I was pregnant. I left him when my ds was 4 months old. I heard her in his room whilst on the phone to him. I trusted my instincts that something was wrong and I was right.

I've never had a job which would entail working away but if I had I really wouldn't want any colleague in my room watching TV with me. It just seems strange. It would be too invasive of my privacy. I wouldn't want to have to sit still, devoting myself to a particular programme. I would rather enjoy the luxury of flicking channels, doing my nails, having a facial, dipping in to my book.....etc.
Apart from that, in most hotel rooms the only way to be comfy watching telly is to sit up against the headboard. Too intimate to do that with a work colleague imo.

I agree with u2 posts .Throw some alcohol into the mix-known to lower inhibitions-with liking/attraction/boredom /lonliness and I can see how friendship could tip into sex if not a full blown affair Especially if the marriage were going through a patch of boredom/difficulty , as most marriages do .
The wise person doesn't put themselves into that situation .
I have many male friends ,the closest dating to before my 33year marriage. I have been on holiday and shared a room (platonically) for conveniencewith him ,more than once .Would I do so now we are both in relationships with other people ? No
I do find it odd that people should feel the need to sit down and discuss boundaries .For me, and I hope DH, our marriage vows are our 'boundaries'.

Definitely crossing boundaries that would make me very uncomfortable. Affairs aren't borne out of hatred of the spouse and some firework moment, they are slow burning things and one day you realise you're leaning in for a kiss....

I think your DH is complacent about the risk he's taking.