Husband working away with female colleague, would you be ok with this?

[baubloxx]

My husband’s current project involves him staying away 4 nights a week in a hotel and a woman from his team does the same. He has always told me that they have dinner together but at the weekend dropped in ‘we watched that’ about a TV programme then said that sometimes they watch TV together in one of their rooms.

I didn’t say anything at the time but have been thinking about it since and the more I do the more I don’t like it. I trust him that he wouldn’t do anything and sees this as innocently keeping each other company but spending every evening together, sometimes in a private hotel room feels too intimate. Am I being silly or would this bother other people?

No fucking way. If I found out my husband had done that I would rip his bollocks off. Tbf he would be furious if I had done that too. Maybe we are just a pair of jealous idiots!!! Hope you're ok op

To all those who aren't happy about these situations - would you feel differently if you knew that the female colleqgue concerned was 20 years older, 18 stones in weight and married to an ill-in wrestler?

I suspect some of you would. Which would mean it isn't about the situation itself but the physical attributes of the person concerned.

Actually DrSeth that wouldn't make any difference. If my husband is in a hotel bedroom with another woman they have both crossed a boundary. I don't give a fuck what she looks like.

I feel dh would not be particularly interested in watching TV in his bedroom with that woman.

Wardy I didn't specifically mean you, but I do not believe for one minute that everyone who has an issue with the situation would be at all worried unless the female colleague was of a certain age and "conventionally attractive".

As for these boundaries people keep talking about, does everyone sit down with their partner and say "right, before we get married or before we move in together, these are the boundaries I am setting for you?" Because people can hardly be expected not to cross boundaries if they haven't been set out; and everyone will have different ideas of what these boundaries are - as is evidenced on the thread.

I suspect there are women who have a lunch with a male colleague occasionally but don't think to mention it to their partner because there is nothing in it. Maybe they should.

I don't think anyone in my immediate team would Do this

Sure i would watch TV/have a few drinks in the hotel lounge /bar quite happily with a male colleague - but in a room? No way.

I often travel with male colleagues. We work together, we are friendly. But there is a line you do not cross.

Keeping your partner away from other women will not stop an untrustworthy man from cheating. The cause of cheating is not being around attractive women, it is people who have no respect for their partners and refuse to administer self-control.

If your partner is a good man who wouldn't dream of cheating then of course it's fine and you have no problem - they're just innocently watching TV together as friends and are probably glad of the company. Even if he thought this woman attractive if he's trustworthy it won't matter, he won't do anything and won't want to do anything because he values you.

If he's a bastard waiting for his chance to play away then yes, you have a problem. But the problem is your DH and not the situation and even if you stopped this situation if he wants to have sex with another woman he will just find a different opportunity.

Night - hotel bedroom - 2 people alone.

Eh, no. If dh did this I'd LTB.

This annoys me as I presume he can't decide whether he is asked to work with her or not? I admit watching TV together is a bit odd though.

I had to stay in a hotel with my boss, and a couple of other males due to a trial. We ate dinner together. For two weeks.

Depends on what your boundaries are for your relationship OP.

My personal boundary is: don't go into a female work colleague's hotel room to watch TV.

I trust DP not to violate that boundary. But if he did, I would lose trust in him.

Doesn't matter if, once he was in the room, he didn't shag her. For me him just being there already crosses a line.

I've travelled all over the world with male work colleagues for weeks at a time and I've never been in one of their hotel rooms.

I am that woman: frequently away on business, often with just one male colleague. Frequently working late hours with a colleague, too. I'm also in my mid-thirties, divorced and attractive. I know several colleagues' wives are horribly suspicious of me.

But here's the thing: I'm not interested in these men! I love some of them to bits and I enjoy spending time with them. Yes, we've got drunk and, yes, we've been to each other's rooms at times, but I'm not sleeping with them. I'm not even sleeping with the attractive ones and wouldn't, even if the opportunity presented itself!

This is my career and I love it! It's not something I'd be willing to throw away for sex with a man who won't commit to me - and that's the risk I'd be taking. I have everything to lose here and I'm not stupid!

OTOH, this silly notion that men and single, attractive women inevitably end up in bed is damaging to me. Our big boss regularly invites one of the guys for one-on-one drinks/activities after work. This is prime networking time for the guys, getting to rub shoulders with the big guy in a relaxed setting. Guess what: I only ever get lunches in the staff restaurant. And, yes, I've asked him about it: his wife wouldn't like it. So basically I'm losing out to men my junior just because some woman somewhere thinks I might seduce her (not at all attractive, BTW) husband. How is that in any way fair? Cause it sure doesn't look fair to me!

Also, FWIW, having worked in hotels in my uni days: prostitutes are used on a very regular basis by men traveling on business. So TBH me being there arguably makes it less likely that a guy would cheat on his wife. He'd never survive the death stare (it's one of the skills you acquire with marriage but get to keep on divorcing).

This has turned into a bit of a rant and I'm sorry. It just bothers me because as the unattached attractive female colleague I feel taken aback at the suggestion that me working with and obviously killing time with these men is somehow inherently sexualised. It isn't. And, no, it's not my individual morals that keep it this way!

A male colleague asked to watch Telly in my room one night when there was a sporting event he was desperate to see and somehow only my room got that channel reception. No hotel bar - this was Vietnam in the 90s. After we watched for a while he apologized and said that he could see I was desperate for him to leave so I could get into bed/ we had had a long day. I had to say no, no stay till the end of the match. I did feel a bit invaded having him there and I could see he was conscious of that,

I used to travel every week in my job Monday-Thursday. Over the course of 10 years I have never gone in any of my colleagues rooms including my female colleagues. The only people that I know of who did, were having a relationship (some adulterous, many not; just two single people getting together).

However, if your husband wanted to cheat he could have done very easily by now and you would have no idea (sorry probably not reassuring you) and if he was cheating now it's unlikely he would have mentioned it to you. It also doesn't mean he WILL cheat just because he CAN.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable I would be open with him and if doesn't agree I would ask him how he would feel if you and insert name of male friend watched TV together in your bedroom while he was away.

Agree with DadonIce and MagicalHamSandwich.

It wouldn't bother me.

I don't rink it's so much about relationship boundaries as about workplace boundaries.

People do not come in two types, cheats and non cheats.

You may be very happily married to a "non cheat", but that doesn't mean they are unable to develop feelings and affection for someone else. Even if it never becomes physical, it is still destructive and can stray into emotional affair territory given the right conditions.

A happy marriage should always be protected by both people, and that means recognising dangers and avoiding them. Saying "My partner would never cheat" is complacency gone mad, given a particular set of circumstances, they might.

Our big boss regularly invites one of the guys for one-on-one drinks/activities after work. This is prime networking time for the guys, getting to rub shoulders with the big guy in a relaxed setting. Guess what: I only ever get lunches in the staff restaurant.

No, it's not fair, and it's part of what can hold women back, because they're not given the same opportunities - because so many managers are still men.

Yes DrSeth that's exactly what we did. We are obviously both jealous people, and really neither of us would be allowed to socialise one to one with some one of the opposite sex, especially in a bloody hotel room! Regardless of age or looks. Particularly as there is an age gap between us, age is irrelevant. People might think we are both psycho or something but I think it's respectful not to have other women in your hotel bedroom when you are a married man. She could look like angelina Jolie or majorie doors, I don't care!!

And DrSeth I don't believe for one minute that if you found your oh with condoms that you didn't recognise etc you wouldn't be concerned or worried. If you wouldn't be then you can't care for your relationship much.

"right, before we get married or before we move in together, these are the boundaries I am setting for you?"

Of course you should have conversations about boundaries before marriage. Isn't that a no brainer? As evidenced on this thread, every individual has their own expectations. The only way to get to know these is to communicate.

However, you can't set boundaries for other people. You can only set your own. And that might include: "I would not be comfortable with my partner doing abc. If abc were to happen, I will xyz."

So ham put yourself in the position of the op when you were married. You wouldnt be bothered AT ALL? I smell bullshit. All this 'young attractive female' stuff would make me more suspicious of you.

Well said stoic!

Wardy Workplace hotel rooms aside - because I can understand that even though I don't agree with it - I actually find it quite astonishing that in this day and age there are still people who have problems with their partner even socialising with someone of the opposite sex without them being present.

Your choice of the word "allow" when it comes to you and your partner would be regarded as controlling behaviour in an awful lot of threads. A partner is not a possession, nor a child. Why should a partner get to dictate who their partner can or can't be friends with, or who they can or can't socialise with? There's being respectful of someone's feelings, then there is controlling behaviour.

Sorry, I'm a man with many single female friends. I am also single. When I was in my last long-term relationship, the first person I introduced my then partner to was my female best friend. She was not then single. As soon as she became single, my partner took an intense dislike of her. We regularly socialised in a group but occasionally my best friend and I had a game of badminton, because my partner was not at all sporty and refused to play with me. Apparently this was appalling behaviour and my partner demanded I never socialise with my best friend in a one-to-one situation.

A partner of a few years does not get to tell me I may never see my best friend of 20 years again unless she is present. My partner is now an ex partner and my best friend and I are still single. We've managed never to kiss or shag each other in all that time.

MagicalHamSandwich, Your post will not be terribly reassuring to many women reading this. It implies that sex doesn't happen because you don't want it to.

Do you think sex could happen if you did want it to?

You wouldnt be bothered AT ALL? I smell bullshit.

Just because people aren't bothered it isn't 'bullshit'.

If people are going to cheat they are going to cheat.