Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Original poster

He won't share his money

266 replies

NotEqual · 29/12/2006 12:15

My Dh has a high earning secure job(earns £80K a year) and recently sold a share of a property and got another £80K. However he won't entertain the concept that half of this is mine(or to put it better,it is all OURS).We do not have a joint account,he puts money into my account every month plus I have a part time job and child benefit,so I am not short of money.He doesn't thimnk I can be trusted with money as I do occasionally run up credit card debts which he then pays off.I know this is stupid of me but I feel sometimes it is the only way to spend what I consider to be my money too.If we were short of money or had loads of debts I would not do it but we are not.Sorry I sound like a spoilt bitch but I am not,I just feel that I am not an equal partner and he cannot love me as much as his money!!

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 29/12/2006 12:17

No such thing as his, you're married so they are joint marital assets. If you were to split upa court would likely see it that way. He needs to get his head around this and you really need to discuss it I think.

NotQuiteCockney · 29/12/2006 12:19

Is he saving the money for a specific purpose? It makes sense to discuss what the plan is for the money. It doesn't make sense to say "oi, that's my money too, I'm off to the shops".

(This question is sounding a tiny bit familiar ...)

LIZS · 29/12/2006 12:27

Presumably you don't work or have any other income. It is rather traditional set up but would he be prepared to open a joint account for at least some of his income from which you both spend instead ? He can then still save some elsewhere (but if he has that amount of savings it would be more efficient to put some in your name as a non or lower band taxpayer anyway). Legally WWW is right -it isn't his specifically but yours together anyway, but on a day to day level you can arrange your finances however it suits you best. What about ad hoc collective expenditure such as holidays, does he pay that out of "his" money ?

If you can manage happily on whatever he puts into your own account monthly then it shouldn't be such a practical issue, if you find it tight and knowing he has more to spare, then you should discuss it. Perhaps it isn't the money itself that is the issue though , but what it may indicate about the balance of power and trust in your relationship.

frenchconnection · 29/12/2006 12:39

LIZS , the poster said she has a part time job plus child benefit.

LIZS · 29/12/2006 12:50

Sorry missed that bit She'd still be a lower tax payer than someone on 80k though.

batters · 29/12/2006 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

NotEqual · 29/12/2006 13:04

LIZS yes,he pays mortgage,all bills,holidays etc.I am not moaning about his generosity really,just the idea that it is 'his' money,not ours.He says that I would spend it all if I had access to it,which is not true.I do have a good monthly income with my job plus what he puts in my account and child benefit(over £1200 a month) out of which I buy food,petrol,car insurance,school lunches ,childrens expenditure etc,plus clothes for me and children.But I suppose it is the concept of not having any access to any of OUR money.We both have pensions,a small mortgage compared to income,and he earns more than £80k,that was a conservative estimate.I suppose it would be nice to have one joint account then at least I could use some if needed.

OP posts:

batters · 29/12/2006 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

burstingwithfestivitybug · 29/12/2006 13:09

NotEqual why doesn't he trust you? Surely trust is a huge foundation stone in any relationship. Very different circumstances here.
There is no such thing as yours and mine in this house, everything is 'ours' and we make do with what we've got and share absolutlety everything.
We're both on a relatively low income. We have our own accounts as well as a joint account. Dh is constantly shifting money to and from each account to keep our heads above water. If it wasn't for him monitoring the accounts, we'd be in serious trouble.

Dinosaur · 29/12/2006 13:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster

NotEqual · 29/12/2006 13:11

Sorry Batters,do you think it is his money then,he pays his credit card bill(in full of course!) out of it,but I can't pay mine? So it is his ,not ours? I am not being awkward,just trying to see if I am being unreasonable.I am talking about a bill of around £2000.He has about £80,000 in the bank,which of course is his!! This just annoys me,that is all.

OP posts:

batters · 29/12/2006 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LorinaLovesSprouts · 29/12/2006 13:17

What do you actually want to spend the money on ?

notasheep · 29/12/2006 13:18

Crikey,£80K i wouldnt complain

Original poster

NotEqual · 29/12/2006 13:20

Yes Batters,I agree,I don't think I am right in running up a credit card bill,please don't think that.And I suppose what I mean is I feel in the wrong asking him to 'bail' me out,but surely in the circumstances if I had access to all the money,there would not be a credit card bill.I would not spend it all,I have probably run it up because he has only recently increased the amount he puts into my account,and I am always watching how much I spend.I do not want to blow all his money,just be able to share it as I believe you should if you are married.
And no,I saw the other post but that was not me.

OP posts:

Dinosaur · 29/12/2006 13:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SnafuOutOfHiding · 29/12/2006 13:21

Agree with batters. If my partner ran up credit card bills of £2000 and expected me to pay them off, despite having 'a good monthly income' of their own, I'd be very wary of letting them loose with a joint account.

Unfair, perhaps, but life is. All things considered, you sound like you've got a pretty good deal to me.

JoolsToo · 29/12/2006 13:22

There are many couples who don't share a bank account and I find very bizarre indeed. I don't think I could be with someone who says all the cash is theirs, especially if you happen to be a sahm!

Running up credit card debt won't help though.

Carmenere · 29/12/2006 13:22

Oh FGS he is treating you like a child! Tell him you want access to your money and if he refuses tell him that if you got divorced you would be given half of it. You are not extravagant, you manage a hell of a lot on 1200 a month. And befre everyone piles in to say that 1200 is a huge amount, it's nothing to what the joint family income is. Why should you have to worry about your credit card bills f e doesn't. It is very hippocritical and atronising behaviour.

LorinaLovesSprouts · 29/12/2006 13:24

I think all assets of a marriage should be shared.

Dh and I share everything ,but we are very like minded so maybe iys easy for us ?

I can see your Dh might be nervous of giving you £40K to fritter away.

He is appalling not paying off your £2K credit card bill though. I presume that means you have less than £2K to call your own ? Very unbalanced and wrong IMO.

Original poster

NotEqual · 29/12/2006 13:24

Lorina,don't want to spend it on anything really,just know that to him it is as much mine as his.As the children are.Just don't want to start another year with this same issue causing problems.If I had access to some of it I wouldn't even spend any ,it is the principle.And I know I am lucky.

OP posts:

SnafuOutOfHiding · 29/12/2006 13:26

You say you wouldn't spend it if he let you share it, but since he's not letting you share it, you're going to spend it anyway to show him you should be allowed to share it?

Your logic confuses me.

justaphase · 29/12/2006 13:27

I think I am in your husband's position.

Me and dh both work but I earn a lot more then him. I paid off the morgage and pay for childcare which is the biggest expense. We share the rest of the bills. He earns enough to cover all his expenses and save a bit.

We don't have a joint account and this has never been an issue.

Frankly if he came to me and said that we should spend what I have saved on a more lavish lifestyle or whatever I would be a bit annoyed.

To be fair to him he is the one who treats it as my money. I see it as ours but since I have earned it I get to have a first call on what to do with it. I wouldn't spend it on something that we do not both agree on.

Dinosaur · 29/12/2006 13:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

LorinaLovesSprouts · 29/12/2006 13:28

Ask him if you can open a joint account and put all your money in it. Maybe that will shame him into doing the same?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Swipe left for the next trending thread