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Original poster

He won't share his money

266 replies

NotEqual · 29/12/2006 12:15

My Dh has a high earning secure job(earns £80K a year) and recently sold a share of a property and got another £80K. However he won't entertain the concept that half of this is mine(or to put it better,it is all OURS).We do not have a joint account,he puts money into my account every month plus I have a part time job and child benefit,so I am not short of money.He doesn't thimnk I can be trusted with money as I do occasionally run up credit card debts which he then pays off.I know this is stupid of me but I feel sometimes it is the only way to spend what I consider to be my money too.If we were short of money or had loads of debts I would not do it but we are not.Sorry I sound like a spoilt bitch but I am not,I just feel that I am not an equal partner and he cannot love me as much as his money!!

OP posts:
motherinfurrierfestivefrock · 30/12/2006 14:20

I don't particularly want to raise my children to believe that they have to earn as much as possible. I do want them to feel that they can do something with their lives that is fulfilling (not just financially) whether or not they have a relationship and/or children.

Tortington · 30/12/2006 14:21

theres a middle ground where your just careful enough to make sure you and your family are secure should anything happen.

a seperate bank account for instance with buffer money in.

a savings account or isa for a rainy day.

something which would allow you and yours some control over your immediate future should something unexpected happen - this doesnt mean your planning for death, fire, flood or divorce.

its life insurance - of a sorts

spongecake · 30/12/2006 14:39

what an interesting thread...the original dh on this thread sounds like someone who sees money management as his job.. does he do it all day? do you show an interest in the cash management not equal? ie, account movements, tax benefits... surely if you know where it all is then that should be ok? Just ask him to talk you through the family financials, ie will provision and where all the paperwork is, pension strategy... after all, do you have one? Don't scare him with life insurance though JOKE I look after the money for us- dh is a creative type and only too glad to pass over his passwords we share the same views re being careful, but i have to say that the money I made before I met him is stashed away safely FOR US. he is ok with that- in fact, he has not mentioned once having it jointly- must admit would wonder why he did and hide his passport.. only joking ladies joint accounts are sometimes not practical..tax wise or simple movement of funds

smartiepartie · 30/12/2006 14:40

Legally it is your plural shared money, as he would quickly disover if you split up. Familes are Communist economies, it's all one big pot. If he had to pay you to do what you do for him it would be pretty damn expensive! that means that it's your shared £2000 you are spending: a bit his, a bit yours.

Differing attitudes to money is one of the three key marriage breakers (the others being sex and values). It would be worth sorting this out as it may become a festering resentment that seriously weakens your marriage.

A good compromise is that the earnings and benefits all go in one pot, and you both have personal accounts that get a monthly lump out of that pot for discretionary spending. But keep your credit cards to yourself!

Are you insured so he would have some money to replace your services if you fell under a bus? How much for? can be an excellent way of focussing and clarifying your invisible £ input to the family!

Freckle · 30/12/2006 14:41

That's the rub though, isn't it? What is classed as fulfilling? Most of us want to do something which is valued and respected as well as satisfying some need in ourselves. Unfortunately, in today's society what is valued and respected is earning mega-bucks, regardless of how you do it.

As an aside, I was saddened today to read of very wealthy people, who have spent their lives doing exactly what they wanted, being further rewarded in the honours list. On the BBC website, it said 46% of those on the New Year list had been nominated or supported by members of the public. Shouldn't that be 96%, with on 4% going to those who have already been amply rewarded in life?

Judy1234 · 30/12/2006 15:26

I wasn't. I married forever when I was 21. It's very humbling to divorce. It's a nasty sense of failure and I don't think anyone that is made it happen or wanted it to happen and it's always very sad, particularly if you have children. Sadly people change after and money that was ours in marriage suddenly he's spirited abroad and it "his" or he jacks in his job so he can spend all day in bed with the new lover and have no obligation to pay child support and you are kicking yourself you ever gave up work and exposed your children to this risk.

Ready · 30/12/2006 16:17

It seems that some people's bad experiences in life make them have very definite points of view. Not all marriages end and leave the woman rueing (sp?) giving up her career. Not working and enjoying life can be just as rewarding as earning lots of "your own" money. Some may say more so.

Too many people are obsessed with money and "who earned what, I did this, you only did that". And I find it quite sad.

When I am no more and people think about me, I would rather they thought of me as the person I was, and the fun we had together, not the money I earned, or the jobs I had.

Let's face it, if we disappeared tomorrow there would be a string of people who could replace us in the workplace... but our family and friends would be affected forever.

Ready · 30/12/2006 16:17

Reading that back, not entirely sure how it pertains to the OP, but just wanted to say that SAHMs should not be looked down on by anyone, ever.

Judy1234 · 30/12/2006 16:45

I odn't but if they are truly not doing it fo the money they get from their richer husbands why are they worried about him keeping the money he's earned? They are looking after the children for love so if their husband decides to buy a sprots car with the bonus surely that's up to him as he's given up the chance to be with his children 24/7, very small compensation for him that he keeps and spends his money when he has missed out on all that 1 - 1 child care the stay at home mothers so very much enjoy.

wheresthehamster · 30/12/2006 16:46

Ready, I agree with you, especially those last two sentences.

Tortington · 30/12/2006 17:03

oh aye am sure,
let me weigh this up

ummmmm wipe arses - deal with arguments, love them for an hour when they are asleep. tired, ragged, worried

or

new sportscar.

given up chance to be with kids - my effin arse, i bet mi arse hes not bothered.

ayway incase your wondering - i'd opt for sportscar and photo of kids in wallet miself

NappiesGalooooooooooooria · 30/12/2006 17:08

custardo

Freckle · 30/12/2006 17:13

Well, if you look at it that way, why doesn't he buy the little woman a snazzy sportscar so that she can go off and leave him to do all the childcare he is sacrificing in order to earn all that money??

It is not his money. He could not earn that money and have a family unless his wife stayed home and did all the home essentials. How much money would be left if he had to pay a cleaner, childcare, etc.? Not much, and certainly not enough to buy a sportscar, so why should he spend any money he saves by having a SAHM on himself???

It should be spent on something for both of them or the family as a whole.

WideWebWitch · 30/12/2006 17:44

Quite Freckle, I agree.

Monkeytrousers · 30/12/2006 17:49

ditto

Original poster
NotEqual · 30/12/2006 17:51

Some interesting points of view ladies!
The point of my original post(sorry to repeat) was surely any money earned by either partner in a marriage should be shared. I am not saying that my DH is mean(he isn't) but that he considers the money to be his.Do I consider the children mine because I look after them more than him?The point about my credit card was only made because there is more than enough money in the what should be family pot to pay it off.Without any problem,or any threat to any future plans.My Dh spent thousands on a sports car for his hobby,I have absolutely no issue with it,WE can afford it. bUT WHY IS THAT OK BECAUSE THE MONEY IS HIS?
Anybody that thinks i just want him to bail me out,how would you feel if your DH won some money on the lottery,but wouldn't share it fully?

OP posts:
Monkeytrousers · 30/12/2006 17:58

Quote him Freckle!

whatwouldjesusdo · 30/12/2006 18:06

Im with you notequal. money should be shared in a marriage.

Glitterygookwithchocsonthetree · 30/12/2006 18:37

I'm with you Freckle and Ready. So with you.

Ready · 30/12/2006 19:15

NotEqual - As you are married, therefore the money is both of yours. You should not have to ask for cash, and the idea of an 'allowance' isn't right in myopinion. You both contribute to your family dynamic... okay so financially he contributes more than you - but it's not a competition!! You should have access to the families money, least of all in case anything ever happened to him.

Bluebear · 30/12/2006 20:11

Notequal - have you actually worked out how much dh brings home NET each month, and deducted the cost of the things he pays out (mortage and all bills you said) how about costs for running a car, insurances etc... These are all joint expenditure. I would be surprised if the remainder of his income is as much as you seem to believe it is - unless you have an unusally low mortgage.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 30/12/2006 21:03

Still pondering the sexual services thing.....

Original poster
NotEqual · 30/12/2006 21:37

Bluebear,I understand what you are saying.He earns around £5,000 a month after tax.Our mortgage is £500.Other bills eg council tax,water,gas,electric,his car insurance(I pay my own),life insurance etc another £1000?At the most.Pension already deducted with tax.He gives me £350. He does pay for holidays,meals out,Christmas.But that still leaves quite a bit over.I don,t want some lavish lifestyle,I appreciate having savings.All I want is recognition that the money is as much mine as his.I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND IT ALL!!

OP posts:
lillypad · 30/12/2006 21:50

I know I'm putting my head above the parapet here but like I said earlier, we have the same set-up and I'm afraid I dont agree that my dh's money is as much mine as his. I didn't support him whilst he worked his way up to earning what he does, he did it all by himself. Yes, I am a sahm and that accounts for a lot but that is my contribution to the family and his is being the breadwinner to put it in a quite old-fashioned way. When I came into the relationship he was already successful and solvent and I just think, fair play to him. I can't see what's to be gained by officially stating that it's all OUR money unless I want to use that as an explanation as to why their are 17 new pairs of shoes stuffed in my wardrobe? If you don't wish to spend it and he isn't tight anyway as you stated, why does it matter whose money it officially is? I'm not being funny, but do you get what I mean?

DizzyBinterWonderland · 30/12/2006 21:53

maybe it's that he doesn't give you more because he knows you will use your credit card for anything you want after the £350. i don't mean that in a bad way, just that he gives you £350 cash and you can spend what you want on your card, then he clears it.