He won't share his money

[NotEqual]

My Dh has a high earning secure job(earns £80K a year) and recently sold a share of a property and got another £80K. However he won't entertain the concept that half of this is mine(or to put it better,it is all OURS).We do not have a joint account,he puts money into my account every month plus I have a part time job and child benefit,so I am not short of money.He doesn't thimnk I can be trusted with money as I do occasionally run up credit card debts which he then pays off.I know this is stupid of me but I feel sometimes it is the only way to spend what I consider to be my money too.If we were short of money or had loads of debts I would not do it but we are not.Sorry I sound like a spoilt bitch but I am not,I just feel that I am not an equal partner and he cannot love me as much as his money!!

Good post Soapbox. I agree, different things work for different people.

I think where I have a problem is where there's an assumption that being at home looking after children is NOT a valid economic contribution to a marriage or partnership because it doesn't generate cash. And I speak as someone who works ft oth and has no wish at all to be a ft sahm. (although I have done it in the past)

It is a valid contribution to a marriage WWW - but that is little comfort if things go wrong.

Well it probably isn't too bad if it is within marriage as long as the one income is large enough to cover two lots of living expenses. It is catastrophic though in an unprotected partnership where there is so little protection for the non-wage earner after split up.

Ask Rickman or many others like her - just how well provided she is post relationship breakdown!

I'm all for people living the lives they choose, but I do feel it should be with an eye on where they would be if things don't confirm to their plans. Afterall unless MN attracts only those of sound relationships - at least 1/3 of people posting on these boards will experience a relationship failure in their current relationship. A sobering thought!

conform not confirm!

Oh I agree, I agree. I would actually NOT recommend being a sahp (of either sex) unless one was married.

And I know that far more women than men live in poverty post divorce, very often because they are responsible for childcare and the childcare vs salary equation isn't always a reasonable one. And very very often men skip off and enjoy the same high standard of living post divorce, not getting that financial harm to an ex wife/partner very often equals financial harm to their children. Or not caring.

I will encourage my daughter and my son to a) be financially independent before they have children and b) not become a sahp without the (I know, not that it always works) protection of marriage.

I agree with soapbox. Good post. The important point is people are happy with what they have. Loads of (in my view pathetic) women say I don't understand money and finance (presumably there's something wrong with their brains) and I leave that to my husband and I don't want to know about it, don'e even know what he earns or invests but they're happy with that. More fool them but if they're happy fine but it's a devil of a job once they're divorced getting the information there. Lots of men plan well in advance and do the post divorce planning before there's any rumblings of discontent. You can protect yourself as the lower earner by knowing what he earns and where he invests so at least it's trackable after.

I also think if you've had a failed marriage like mine it obviously colours your views. Most marriages don't fail but probably about 40% on this thread will and none of you on here will assume it will be you so that's bad planning. You might think in law you get your 50% but you don't get it if he's hidden it, spent it or chosen to give up work to avoid paying you or the children a penny.

I trust dh 100% but know I couldn't be a sahm. I know that I earn enough money to support myself and kids if anything happens and this is important to my own feelings of self worth. I have a good pension scheme as does dh. We share all money and assets but if feels damn good to know I don't actually need him financially.

I also agree with not understandin why some women let their dh's handle all money, bills etc. I trust dh but am far from a housewifey traditional type!

IME - it was also far easier to leave a crap relationship from a position of financial independence - lord only knows how long I might have stuck it out for if I hadn't been able to put a roof over my head!

i have found the last few months of my maternity leave very difficult (i took extended leave so some has been unpaid) as i have been financially reliant on DH. i just could not imagine living this way on a permanent basis.

i do think about what would happen if we divorced. i also think about what if i stopped work completely and he then left me later on in life, nearer retirement age, and i was then dependant on only the state pension. it all horrifies me. i have made sure i can provide for myself and my daughter without dh. this makes me feel secure and independant.

i am aware though that it is easier to do this perhaps when one's earning potential is relatively high. i can afford child care, but of course it would be a different story if my hourly rate only matched the cost of child care.

Classic situation is the woman who is left for another woman when she and her husband are in their 50s. He is nearing retirement so there isn't that much money really as his income will cease soon. She is probably unemployable as she hasn't worked for 20 yeras. Their only asset is the house which as the children are all over 18 is sold and split 50/50 and her nice little retirement life with husband for 20 years is lost but also she can't get a job now to enable her to buy a house like the one they had before. He can. He probably has a new lover who is in her 30s anyway and earning.

Anyway there's an argument that I was stupid to marry someone earning less and then have to pay him on the divorce. If I'd done what most women still do and marry someone better off the divorce would have been so much easier (unless he'd hidden the money and it depends on someone's job etc if they can do that). I suppose most people barely get by even on two salaries so divorce always equals much worse off and had I given up work 22 years ago when our daughter was born we'd all be in a much worse financial position now.

i had a woman in her late 60s come to work for me because she couldn't afford the up keep on her home, following a divorce in her 50s. all she was getting was state pension, and she'd done the married woman stamp thing. it was all a bit of a mess. she then couldn't actually do the work because her eye sight was failing. felt very sorry for her.

Xenia, I am so glad you find enjoyment out of annoying SAHM's....small things and all that!

I am one. I was earning as much as dh before I had dd & brought home some great monthly bonuses for the last year, therefore making me the higher earner.

Since giving up work we have emigrated to Australia, where I continue being a SAHM.

Now he brings home a good wage & great monthly bonuses. He sees this as our money. His, mine & dd's.

We now have 4 accounts. I can tell you how much is in any of them to give or take $5 or so. Dh the same. I see his wage slip every week. I know how much we pay for our utilities.

I am happy with our lives. He is too. I don't need to leave the house for work to know that I make as valuable a contribution to our lives as he does. We both earn his money. Just in different ways. If he makes a huge bonus it goes into a savings account, for all of us. He has never begruged me a cent.

I open dh's wage slip so I know what he's paid before he does

from what i have read i think xenia is pointing out how vulnerable women who aren't earning an income outside the home are. it's great being all open and honest now and having joint accounts etc etc, but what about the long term? i have several women working for me in their 50s who earlier in life would have thought they'd be living it up by now, enjoying a happy retirement on their husband's pension. however, things went pear shaped and they've had to take up a job to try to keep up the lifestyle they had become accustomed to.

But then, no one can judge what will happen in the future tho, can they?

Any one of us could be left with nothing, for whatever reason.

exactly. which is why i feel secure knowing i have things sorted and am not reliant on dh.

Hmmm - that's a bit like saying we won't bother with house insurance as we only have a small chance of being burgled!

In fact I've been divorced but never been burgled - doen't mean I've stopped paying the insurance premium

But I'm not either, as I said have 4 different accounts, plenty of provision for the future for all of us. If we did part, I know I could afford to keep my house going.

I will be working again before I hit my 50's so I won't be rushing out to find work in the middle of a 'crisis.

Just because we SAHM's don't earn money ourselves, doesn't mean we don't have any. It's niave to think we don't watch out for our future, just because we aren't earning for a while.

soapbox, I wasn't saying I hadn't bothered.

I was merelt pointing out that just because we do bother (and I have) doesn't mean anything is guarenteed.

& I had been burgled, would rather get divorced!

are those 4 accounts in joint names? as a former bank manager i have often seen disgruntled spouses emptying joint accounts just prior to a separation.

i think i just worry about it a lot because i've seen the after math so many times.

1 in mine, 1 in his
2 joint. 1 current 1 savings.

Sandcastles - I think that you therefor fall into the catagory of financially indep. which is not the positio0n that the masjority of SAHMs would find themselves in on divorce.

I am not saying don't be an SAHM - if that is what you want - but just be aware of the implications for the future of making that choice.

I've lived the aftermath! 2 divorces of my mother. Not easy, not pretty. But she was the one who cleared the accounts prior to her divorce. Lavished loads on us before the split then had no money when my dad left. I can't tell how many times we had no food/electricity etc.

Dh knows anything can happen, that is why he is happy to make sure I have something seperate to him 'just incase'. Even in the event of death it can be hard to access joint accounts, so it reassures us to know I have my own money!

Oh, thank you, Soapbox, you've articulated it so much better than I could have done (naturally). I agree totally about the personal experience bit....I'm quite sure I'd be slightly more optimistic about marriage if my own relationship history hadn't been such a bloomin' disaster.

soapbox, it is only since coming to Oz that we have actually set this up.

We had talked about it before, but never put it into action, or really had enough to set up an account that would actually give me something of any real value.

The profit from the sale of the house in the UK meant we could start it here. Altough it is untouched, as we use the current account for day to day, it's there, growing nicely with interest & a generous chunk of dh's wages each month!