He won't share his money

[NotEqual]

My Dh has a high earning secure job(earns £80K a year) and recently sold a share of a property and got another £80K. However he won't entertain the concept that half of this is mine(or to put it better,it is all OURS).We do not have a joint account,he puts money into my account every month plus I have a part time job and child benefit,so I am not short of money.He doesn't thimnk I can be trusted with money as I do occasionally run up credit card debts which he then pays off.I know this is stupid of me but I feel sometimes it is the only way to spend what I consider to be my money too.If we were short of money or had loads of debts I would not do it but we are not.Sorry I sound like a spoilt bitch but I am not,I just feel that I am not an equal partner and he cannot love me as much as his money!!

PanicPressie,you do see it as 'his' as well then? Some posters are saying it is ours as we are married,others that it is his. I work part time so that I am here for the children,so I cannot earn as much as him.I don't understand why the money is seen to be his because he has earned it.That is his attitude! And yes,if the tables were reversed I would see it as ours,definitely.
He didhave a frugal upbringing and money was short,so I understand why he is like this,but I don't like it!

Maybe you could have a joint account which you both contribute to equally, that you could both use without having to 'ask' each other.

If you both contributed a percentage of your takehome pay monthly (say 15%) then he's paying more in, but it still be yours as it's the same percentage as you IYSWIM.

TBH I would really resent dp if I earn't more than him and he asked me for more than I already gave him, especially if he had a job, and had child benefits as well.
(special occassions and reasons excepted of course, but not just to buy clothes and go out etc)

Why don't you get a job and earn your own money? Adults are separate people and earn money that is theirs. Don't know who women can tolerate being kept. It must feel very strange - spending money earned by someone else. Insist you want a full time job and he';ll have to organise childcare at home. That might help bring matters to a head.

Whilst you are married and each put your own money in your own accounts it is each person's own money. If he didn't support you at all then you might even whilst married have a claim on him. If you split then as someone else said you might well get half of what he has unless he hides it abroad of course.

Mr eggnog and i have a joint account and separate accounts with our own money in. we do occasionally bail each other out if needs be and it doesnt cause a problem. think other posters have got it right when they say this isnt a money issue, but a control issue. perhaps it is something you could both talk through in therapy? it often helps to get to the bottom of things. also money rows do tend to go round in circles forever and can ruin relationships. been there, done that with ex dp

Xenia - what a bizarre view of marriage! Generally someone needs to look after the children so if one parent takes a career break then one is doing all the earning. Is the other supposed to starve?!

Gosh, I find this having separate finances quite odd within a marriage, I must say.

I freelance so I do earn money but not nearly as much as dh. That I give up my high earning career was a decision made for the benefit of all our family so why should I pay the financial penalty? After all - while dh carries on with his career I'm doing most of the childcare, nearly all the housework, financial management etc and working as a freelancer so I'm contributing more than my fair share to the running of this family/household.

I don't get why people complicate things - you're married, you're a family. One big pot, everything goes into it, everything goes out of it. Simple and fair.

And I really do object to the idea that someone is 'kept' - er, who is running the house and making sure Mr Big-shot has clean socks and pants in his drawer. A f*cking fairy?

And with that....

...PAAAAAAAAARP!

Xenia, if one adult (and it doesn't matter which one) is a sahp then I don't think the 'adults are separate people and earn money that is theirs' applies, not if one adult does all childcare to allow the other adult to work oth, absolutely not. Being at home looking after children IS work and IS an economic contribution to a household and marriage.

My job: to stay at home and look after the children and house.

husbands job: to earn money.

Money: All shared. I have a seprate account which my husband puts money in to each month but only so I can keep a track of what I have spent. If I run out I use the joint account. Out of my allowance I buy whatever the children or I need in terms of shoes, clothes, treats and the joint money is used for diesel and food.

Agree 100 per cent with Glitterygook.

I would agree with glitterygook. I would also add that it doesn't matter how large or small the income, what matters is that a couple is able to discuss their joint finances, plans/hopes for the future, hopefully these will be shared plans, not my/your money.

Currently I am not earning and so we are relying on DH's salary whilst I look after our son. This goes into one joint account which pays for all expenses, we also have joint savings (separate ISAs tho, as these can't be held in joint names). Having said this, we do pay ourselves a monthly allowance each (pocket money) which is for us to decide how to fritter/save. Also means a bit more mystery when it comes to buying gifts for each other. When we both earned similar amounts we had a slightly different arrangement, but still had mostly joint finances for household costs.

Oh not the 'how can you have trust in a relationship if you have separate finances' one again?

Mr Inferior is terrible with money. I'm not. I'm buggered if I'm paying off his various loans and overdrafts and god knows what - and in fact I have paid them off to some extent, by subsidising our mutual outgoings rather more than he has over the first five years or so of our co-habitation. During which period I paid for two lots of (very short) maternity leave (I'm freelance), paid my tax bills, paid my pension and just about kept afloat, with the help of a bit of money I'd saved before.

He now earns quite a lot more - and therefore quite a lot more than me - and finally (although not immediately) his proportion of our mutual outgoings has increased and mine has gone down. Frankly, I'm owed it. (Which he agrees with.)

But if we'd just pooled everything I shudder to think how appalling a state my finances would be in addition to his.

The trouble is glittery, many marriages are not for ever, and as cynical as that is, it is probably on a lot of minds.

I agree that if one partner gives up their job to have/look after the children, and it was a joint decision, then yes, that person should be thoroughly supported. But being supported does not mean he has to give half his money just because they are married.

But, the op has her own job, cb money AND money her dh gives her. Why does she want more?

Think the money is really just the tip of the iceburg there.

I had a year when I stayed at home with ds, and honestly can not say that it's as hard being at home than it is at work. It was a pleasure.
But I am lucky that dp does his fair share of the housework now we are both working though.

I wonder how many of us women would still be saying marriage means everything is half and half if we were the majority breadwinners

And if I had a touching faith in his financial acumen I would, frankly, be so damn stupid he'd go off me.

We are in exactly the same position as you, NotEqual. My husband is in an extremely highly paid position with many bonuses. He is also extremely good with finances. I, by contrast am crap. He puts money into my account each month and that is my income along with child benefit. (I am currently at college) and I have little idea how much he actually earns, although I suspect my biggest estimate would be the tip of the iceberg with all the secret bonuses etc.. I sometimes feel shirty about the whole finance thing, that he fritters many, many thousands on gadgets and I feel positively reigned in. However, I accept that it is a symbiotic relationship that works. I freely admit given an inch I would probably run up debts just like you (been nuaghty that way in the past) and so the healthiest thing is for us to continue the way we are. I know it's frustrating and it's easy to say that if it were the other way round we (you and I) would be completely open with our finances, however I can accept that dh has worked hard to make his money. He takes care of his family and I have to respect that. If I choose to go crackers in the shoe shop then I'm old enough to know better. I'm not after him to bail me out and I'm not after his cash (we would have divorced long ago if so!!) and I don't think you are after your dh's either. but as I often think to myself, count your blessings. We could be peed off with our dh's and be living in a squat, right?

I'm in a similar situation (dp earns, I spend, he has to pay off my cc bills from time to time) and unless you think he intends to blow it all on himself on something bizarre then I'd trust him to know what to do with it.
Well what I mean is in the same situation I'd trust my dp and would believe that it would be far safer with him than me.
But dp shares everything with me anyhows.
If he is tight with the monthly allowance then fair enough to be peeved though BUT just because you have more money doe snot mean you should spend more
I should practice what I preach mind you...

*naughty

You get child benefit of £1200 how many children do you have ?

If you're not married and have separate finances, fine. And if you're married and choose separate finances then also fine, each to their own. But if you are married there isn't really any such thing as yours and mine, there are only joint marital assets. OK, if you split it's up to a court to decide how they are allocated but still, all earnings and contributions during the marriage are considered.

A friend of mine found this out a while ago - she and her h split up and despite the fact that

a) she earned more than him for a good deal of the marriage
b) she was a sahm some of the time but her work at home provided a good proportion of the family income, more than he ever contributed via his job
c) HER family donated hundreds of thousands of pounds during the course of their marriage (and I mean hundreds of thousands)

despite all this when they split up he was entitled to 50% of everything. It didn't matter who donated/contributed/earned it, it was more or less 50/50. There was a slight (very slight) balance in her favour because she had the children but other than that it was a more or less even split. She's banged on about it so much that I was fully aware of this before I got married to dh2. But for me, it's in the spirit of our particular partnership and relationship and I don't have a problem with it.

I don't get child benefit of £1200! I earn around £650,receive £350 from Dh,and get around £150 cb for 3 children.Out of that I buy food and petrol(around £600),pay car insurance,swimming lessons etc,school dinners for 2 a couple of times a week,buy clothes for me and children,haircuts etc.I am not complaining about how much I have,just that there is an awful lot more in the pot to which I have no access to.Nor do I want to blow all the cash on frivolities,or for my husband to pay off my credit card bill.But he can always pay his bill in full because he has alot more spare money than me.However,again the point I really wanted to make in my original post was that the money should be OURS.As has been pointed out,if we divorced it would be,so why not when we are married? Have no intention of divorce btw,and despite what it sounds like we are mostly very happy!

Still don't get why , if for example your average monthly cc comes up at £250, you can't ask him to give you £600 not £350 each month. Then you work within that. You know that in reality it isn't just his money but it sounds as if this is still an issue. Ask if the savings can be put into joint names with 2 signatories.

My DH is exactly the same. He earns maybe 45k a year and he does pay all the bills (not food though).

I earn £600 a month and have to buy all food, all my petrol, any shoes/clothes that dd or me need/want, anything else for me or dd such as haircuts, toys. Also I buy all xmas presents including stuff for his sisters kids, his parents, etc. Then I had to ask him to buy my tax disc as I can't afford it and he grumbled.

In all fairness though he's probably worried if we had a joint account I'd spend it on shoes But I am sensible with money and don't overspend. Also if I need something big he will buy it if I ask - (plane ticket to Africa).

Well, I don't have faith in dh's financial acumen MI, which is why I manage the finances even though he puts far more in than I do.

And I was the main breadwinner once and the same rules applied - most of the money in 'the pot' was mine but I didn't give him an allowance! We both spent from it equally.

Each to their own but I think it's irrelevant who earns what number of £.

If my dh wasn't going to share his money with me, in our situation, I'd say to him 'well oh dear love, looks like because you're working you've got no time to do washing and ironing then' and I'd leave his in one big dirty pile for him to deal with. Ditto his cooking etc.