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Original poster

He won't share his money

266 replies

NotEqual · 29/12/2006 12:15

My Dh has a high earning secure job(earns £80K a year) and recently sold a share of a property and got another £80K. However he won't entertain the concept that half of this is mine(or to put it better,it is all OURS).We do not have a joint account,he puts money into my account every month plus I have a part time job and child benefit,so I am not short of money.He doesn't thimnk I can be trusted with money as I do occasionally run up credit card debts which he then pays off.I know this is stupid of me but I feel sometimes it is the only way to spend what I consider to be my money too.If we were short of money or had loads of debts I would not do it but we are not.Sorry I sound like a spoilt bitch but I am not,I just feel that I am not an equal partner and he cannot love me as much as his money!!

OP posts:
justaphase · 29/12/2006 13:29

I think if you and your dh jointly decide on what the money is spent on I would not worry about the principle tbh

I think you probably have other issues in your relationship.

Carmenere · 29/12/2006 13:30

What exactly does your money from your pt job get spent on? Are you 'allowed' to save it?

Original poster
NotEqual · 29/12/2006 13:30

Carmenere, thankyou! I was beginning to feel I was out on a limb here. I don't expect hi,m to pay the bill, the bill isn't the issue,yes I have a bit left over in my account and could pay it off rweasonably quickly.He also isn't saying he won't pay it off,just that I feel he is doing me a favour,and that money is half mine isn't it?
And I am not irresponsible with money at all,surely a debt of £2000 isn't that bad with a total income of £90,000 plus? I can honestly say I would not use any joint account we had,I would use mine,but at least I could,IYSWIM

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 29/12/2006 13:31

is this the other thread you're thinking of NQC? Similar problem a while back.

Carmenere · 29/12/2006 13:32

This is patently a control issue. Needs sorting out and I'll bet it extends further than the bank.

LorinaLovesSprouts · 29/12/2006 13:36

I run up credit card bills all the time. I pay them off out of our joint money. Dh doesnt bat an eyelid.

You should have equal access to all money in the marriage.

Did you ever have a joint account with him and it went wrong ?
Or have you never had one ? which I would think was rather high handed and patronising of him. If he trusts you to look after his kids he should think nothing of trusting you with his cash.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 29/12/2006 13:37

I have to say I find this whole concept of ?his money? and ?my money? totally odd. When me and dh lived together we had our own bank accounts and joint account for bills, but as soon as we got married we closed our current accounts and everything went into the joint account. Both our families have always lived like this as well so for us it was the most natural thing to do. Apart from anything else, how much more time does it take to put this bit of money into that account and have that bit of money in this account ? how do people ever keep up with having all these bank accounts?

All our money goes into one account and we both spend it as we need it. I?m a sahm now so all the money that is earned is technically dh?s but that?s not how it works ? I?m at home bringing up his child, so therefore I should have equal access to the money. But I?m not extravagant and I don?t spend loads on myself, and I don?t have a credit card ? again, we have a joint credit card.

IMO your dh is treating you like a child and sounds very controlling to me. You should have a serious talk about where you fit in the relationship, and I would also ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed and you earned 80k per year and gave him an allowance.

It is unacceptable for one person to save money for themselves while their family potentially has to go without. If you divorced him you would be entitled to half of it.

Ready · 29/12/2006 13:38

I simply can't understand how a married couple can argue over money... it seems mental to me. Sorry but it does. I think that the "I earned this, so this is mine, you only earned that" mentality cannot be healthy.

The way I see it is a married couple are a partnership, and while one may earn more (or all) of the money, the other partner will contribute in other ways - and money is not the only important factor in life.

Perhaps this is a very naive view that I have, but where's the sense in arguing about money?

Perplexed. Sorry.

Blondilocks · 29/12/2006 13:45

Maybe he is worried that you would spend more money on items that he doesn't seem to be important? Maybe the solution would be to show him that you can be trusted with money?

If you're not short of money then I don't really see what the problem is? Perhaps he thinks you have adequate? £1200 seems an adequete amount to be honest - many ppl manage on far less than this.

Also the way things are going depending on how many children you have & their ages it could be quite easy to spend the whole of that £80k on university for them, so perhaps he is thinking of things like that?

NotQuiteCockney · 29/12/2006 13:45

WWW, that's the one.

There have been plenty of threads on the "joint account vs separate accounts" thing, and I don't think it's clearcut.

I do prefer separate accounts (credit card and regular), because at least that way, I don't see exactly what (and where) DH has spent on gifts for me, for example. And it's nice to have things separate, imo.

(I don't have cash problems, though, and if I want more money, DH will "give" me more.)

SnafuOutOfHiding · 29/12/2006 13:54

I agree that theoretically it's 'your money' too. In the eyes of the law it certainly is. But you have a responsibility, too.

He clearly does feel that the cc bills are the issue, even if you don't. So if I were you I'd stop merrily running up bills for him to pay off before I'd start shouting about equality.

Carmenere · 29/12/2006 14:00

So why is it ok for him to merrily run up creditcard bills and not her?

Original poster
NotEqual · 29/12/2006 14:05

Yes I understand that people think I run up credit card bills merrily then expect him to pay them off.This may look like the case,but it isn,t.Some of the bill was accrued whilst on maternity leave.Also,my point is how can He pay them off if in law the money is OUR'S?? I never mind what he spends money on,he spent quite a few thousand in the summer on a hobby of his,I was glad,it was no problem.Can I make it clear I am not expecting him to pay my credit card bill,and I am not saying I cannot manage food ,petrol,clothes etc on my money.My point really was would other people consider it an unequal partnership when he has an income that is ten times mine,plus savings of nearly £100K, but I cannot call any of it mine as well?

OP posts:
SnafuOutOfHiding · 29/12/2006 14:08

It wouldn't be, if that's what he is doing. But don't know whether he does or not.

We do however know that the OP runs up bills whilst saying that she wouldn't do so if only she had more access to the money, which is a strange attitude, imo! I just think that 'what's mine is yours' is all very well but it only works if both partners are sufficiently responsible.

The 'what's £2000 debt if you've got a £90000 income?' speaks volumes to me - she doesn't see it as a problem, but maybe her dh does.

SnafuOutOfHiding · 29/12/2006 14:09

Ok, x-posts.

If he really is spending lots of money on himself, then fair enough. Your OP and several other later posts didn't exactly give that impression though!

LIZS · 29/12/2006 14:15

No I wouldn't consider it unequal as such since he pays for the majority of larger expenses from hios own coffers adn is presumably investiogn the rest for the mutual benefit of the whole family wheterh in "his name" or not. If he were frittering it away, maybe gambling etc, whilst not allowing you sufficent to meet the expenses then goes it is unequal. As it is you and the choidlren are not going without nor are you collectively runnign up bills you cannot afford as you knwo he can/will pay .

Think there is a cointrol issue here though if he can't/won't relinquish more control of the finances but maybe he has doubts as to how reliable you might be with it. Did his parents perhaps have more limited resources and he has developed a need to budget and save for a rainy day from his childhood experiences. Has your previous spending pattern perhaps proved less frugal ? Would you know how/where the money is invested should you need to access in an emergency btw ?

Carmenere · 29/12/2006 14:15

So why is it ok for him to run up credit card bills but not her? Again I repeat this is not about money, money(or lack of it) isn't an issue for this couple, it is control and trust and if someone was patronising you like that Snafu I don't think you would like it.
I know that financial irresponsibility between couples when they are strapped can be very damaging, but this couple is wealthy, if all the money was in a joint account she would still be answerable to him as he would to her, that's a proper partnership.

TheBlonde · 29/12/2006 14:19

As NotEqual said in her OP - he doesn't trust her

Maybe NE could tell him she needs more money before the credit card debt mounts.

SnafuOutOfHiding · 29/12/2006 14:20

Er, Carmenere, read my post - I didn't say it was okay for him to do so.

Carmenere · 29/12/2006 14:22

Sorry Snafu x posts

SnafuOutOfHiding · 29/12/2006 14:22

And I think you still need to be responsible with money whether you've got £10 or £10,000,000. Isn't that how the rich stay rich, after all?

Carmenere · 29/12/2006 14:23

Of course, I agree but it is not like they have the balffs at the door, there is no indication that she is living beyond her means.

LIZS · 29/12/2006 14:35

But NE is assuming he'll bail her out whenever she runs up bills she can't pay off straight away. Why should he allow the interest to accumulate if they can afford to pay it off ? Presumably that isn't a joint account either.

NE I suggest you back go through all your statements for the year - bank and cards - and work out how much on average you do need from him to support your expenditure without having to run up cc bills , then show it all to him and ask for a larger cut if needs be. That would be a more constructive way of showing you are responsible and trustworthy. Simiarly ask him to show you how much he is putting away regularly on your family's account.

12yeargap · 29/12/2006 15:57

Couldn't the savings be put in a joint name account, one without easy/instant access, where both signatures are required to make a withdrawal? I'm guessing that such a facility must exist?

then the savings are for both of you, for the families future, and he needn't worry they will be squandered.

Would be thrilled if DH could save £80, never mind 80k, TBH...

PanicPressiePants · 29/12/2006 16:03

Agree that it does sound as if a control issue is going on, but I also sympathise a bit with your dh. It IS his money after all, he has earn't it. It sounds as if you have plenty to live on, more than many full time working mums.

Dp earns more than me, and I never ask for any of his money. It's his, he works hard for it.

Would you give him half of your money if the tables were reversed?

Just wondering aloud really, so please don't take any offense.