He won't share his money

[NotEqual]

My Dh has a high earning secure job(earns £80K a year) and recently sold a share of a property and got another £80K. However he won't entertain the concept that half of this is mine(or to put it better,it is all OURS).We do not have a joint account,he puts money into my account every month plus I have a part time job and child benefit,so I am not short of money.He doesn't thimnk I can be trusted with money as I do occasionally run up credit card debts which he then pays off.I know this is stupid of me but I feel sometimes it is the only way to spend what I consider to be my money too.If we were short of money or had loads of debts I would not do it but we are not.Sorry I sound like a spoilt bitch but I am not,I just feel that I am not an equal partner and he cannot love me as much as his money!!

well i agree with you Notequal. as far as i can from this thread alone and not knowing either of you and all that...

how much do you talk to him about it? does he know how you feel? i think you need to be talking ho him about it, making him see it from your point of view, and also, getting him to show you exactly how he feels about it and what exactly motivates him to be this way. because i think thats the crux of the problem, isnt it? you interpret his behaviour as a lack of value towards you (and therefore lack of respect, love etc). whether or not this is true, i bet there is an undercurrent of that for you... and he may not be aware of that. its a point to think about.

what does he spend all his money on? is he investing it your children's future? pensions? holidays for all of you? or is he spending it on himself day to day? i do think this makes a difference. like day to day he may have not much more than you to spend if he's putting a lot away.

FWIW, i had an ex who earned £80k, i earned £20k. he insisted we split all bills, meals out, holidays etc 50-50. his justification was that proportionally his expenses were the same as mine. ie. if i needed new car tyres on my 2nd hand banger it would cost £20 each maybe, but his for his TVR cost £500.

yawn.. i left him.

Thankyou Nappies,you have hit the nail on the head.I do not think he loves me enough to share his money.That is the issue.I do not want to spend more,or have him constantly bail me out as has been suggested.I appreciate the security for the future that his financial prudence affords us,but still I am not an equal partner.
Many thankds for all replies girls

Is it not just that childcare and house work is worth one rate per hour but if the worker earns say £150k a year that's more than the economic value of the childcare and cleaning and perhaps even sexual services you are providing at home therefore the partner doesn't feel like a 50% of his income reflects your contribution? Of course you're free to go out there and earn £150k a year and operate on the same basis as him.

There is a legal right in marriage to require your other half to pay enough for your needs if you don't work and have children.

Just make sure you know exactly what money he has and where it is going. Quite a few men, more than most women think, keep a mistress etc. Others hide it abroad so on divorce you can't track or get it.

WTF??

Find it hard to comment as our combined money is less than the pocket money OP gets, oh well I will have to get DH to get a better job .

Xenia, I may be just confused so please can you qualify - or be more explict about your statement - "Is it not just that childcare and house work is worth one rate per hour but if the worker earns say £150k a year that's more than the economic value of the childcare and cleaning and perhaps even sexual services you are providing..."

Well, MT, seeing as that Xenia believes SAHMs are actually glorified prostitutes, and the former is a solicitor, perhaps she feels that specific monetary values should be assigned to the sexual services a SAHM might provide - if at all, since she appears also to share the belief that many SAHMs do not provide sexual services to their partners.

I have no wish to be accused fo bullying Xenia; and as a lawyer you should be au fait with the rough and tumble of vigorous debate, so lets not shilly shally - and more to the point, lets be very specific in our exchanges, as though a jury needs to understand...

Sexual services?

Explain this term - and who benefits from this service?

xenia isnt a solicitor surely?

Blimey, never realised I was a prostitute. Must remind dh to increase my monthly allowance as I am surely charging too little .

My finances are run roughly on the same basis as the OP. DH does have more money than I do and sometimes receives a boost of several thousands once his firms accounts have been settled. He generally hangs on to this money.

However, he does not spend it without consulting me and we agree jointly what to do with our finances. He pays all the main bills, whilst I sort out food, clothes, etc. I have a small part-time job, plus do some voluntary work - and all my children are at school. DH accepts that, in avoiding full-time paid employment, I am available for the children when they are ill, need drs appts, Baker days and all holidays, etc. It works for us.

I am crap with money. If I have it, I spend it. Looking at my 0% interest account, I also seem to spend it when I don't have it. Both DH and I are aware of this, so it makes sense not to let me have access to all funds.

It seems that it is not so much the money which is the issue here, but the OP's dh's attitude towards her and the implication of a lack of trust in her. She also states that her DH doesn't love her enough. So the real question should be, surely, why is she still in this relationship?

Are you happy with the life you have at the moment? If you are then why are you rocking the boat? Many couples have arguments over financial arrangements, but is it worth it?

I am the breadearner in the house and I keep tab of the money cos dh is pathetic with money. I always say that it is my money cos dh has wasted so much money in the past with his failed business attempts. But I will always use the money if necessary. I think there is one in every couple that has to hold the purse strings just to keep the family running.

I'm sorry if I sound to be siding with your dh, but I can relate to how he might see things. You feel that money is more important to him, but has it ever crossed your mind that you may be sending out the same signals to your dh?

What would happen if you both agree not to have any credit cards or loans? Your joint income, as you say, is pretty high so you should be able to live comfortably within it.

By not having access to credit, you cannot run up 'secret' debts that your dh has to pay off. That should help break the cycle of distrust on his part and resentment on your part. Likewise, the deal is he cannot use credit cards to fund his hobbies.

In return for cutting up your credit cards, ask for more cash each month - the equivalent of what you'd spend with credit cards. Also ask to have access to his bank statements - and he gets full access to yours - so nothing can be hidden.

I feel sorry for you as you seem so cut off from the financial planning for your family. That must make you feel really insecure and feed your resentment. I really think your husband must should talk to you about plans for this £80,000 he (you) have acquired. I think it's really unfair if he keeps you in the dark. WWW is right, all your money is family money so you and your dh should have equal say in how it is spent and saved. It is about much more than you getting direct access to all the cash, which IMO is a bit of a red herring.

I can sort of understand your dh being cross with you for running up debts outside your monthly agreement. It might not be a lot in the grand scheme of things, but it is the surprise element. For you, running up a £2,000 debt is a gradual process, so you get used to the idea. For your dh, no matter how much he earns, it must be a shock to suddenly find there's an extra £2,000 dent in the family's monthly income.

On a much smaller scale, when I was supporting my dh, if I knew he had plenty to cover his needs and he then announced he owed 'X' amount of money to a friend, I used to be livid! Quite unreasonably so, sometimes but it was an emotional reaction. It made me think he really could not be trusted with money. But them I was spending less on myself than he was, so a different scenario I suppose. However, the rows we had then have put us both off having any personal credit cards or separate loans. I shudder to think how we'd cope if we could both run up 'secret' debts as neither of us are brilliant with money.

Anyway, getting back to you, if your dh refuses to up your monthy limit in return for you (and him) not using credit cards, I'd cut the amount you spend on your family food bill. £600.00 is quite high. If your husband complains about a lack of his favourite stuff in the fridge, tell him you are economising so you can live within your spending limit.

Xenia, I disagree with: "By Xenia on Fri 29-Dec-06 23:41:00 Is it not just that childcare and house work is worth one rate per hour but if the worker earns say £150k a year that's more than the economic value of the childcare and cleaning and perhaps even sexual services you are providing at home therefore the partner doesn't feel like a 50% of his income reflects your contribution?"

Well, I've been talking about doing this for ages, but if you add up the cost of

a ft housekeeper
a ft nanny and night nanny
a ft cleaner
a ft prostitute (hmm)

You'd be very close to 50% of £150k

Actually, I've just done a quick calculation, based on a ft nanny @ £400/week, a night nanny 7 nights a week, a ft housekeeper and a cleaner for just 5 hours a week. Figures from various googled agencies and er, even without prostitution it works out at £71k. And that's the rate you'd have to PAY (i.e. earn net) so you'd have to earn considerably more than this gross. Ooh, more than £150k atually. And that £71k would get you:

f/t childcare at nanny rates, which would be 37.5 hours/week
f/t housekeeping, ditto, 37.5hrs
f/t night nanny at £80/night for 7 nights(Ok, so you might not need to get up every night if you're a sahp but actually, often every night for the first year or so)
a cleaner for just 5 hours/week at a tenner an hour. Take out the housekeeper and it's STILL £52k, without any prostitution involved at all.

So actually, if you measure a SAHP's contribution to a household in pure monetary terms it IS worth half of £150k a year.

www - your post is good. good to see it spelt out in B&W.

Xenia - youre an intelligent woman. so you can surely understand that your own experience of life is not that of everybody. yes, you are a career woman, yes, you have a high paying job you have enjoyed all your adult life. that is wonderful. but not everybody is in a position to just 'go out and earn 150k pa' as you suggest. if they had started young like you, maybe. i do agree that in this country we have much more opportunity, all of us, to do something like that, but unfortunatley the doors in their heads to that sort of life are closed to a lot of people, esp when they are young. you had a supportive and nurturing upbringing - do not undervalue the effect that has had on you.

and you are ALL missing the point the OP is making. delving into the whys and wherefores and details of what she spends on what and who pays credit card bills etc is beside the point. the OP is sad b/c she feels that her dh doesnt love her enough to trust her, that he feels money is more important than her to him. and thats an awful way to feel.

NotEqual - i really think there is every chance he has no real idea of how he is making you feel and i urge you to find a time to talk and calmly tell him just how hurt you feel. i think it would be healing and important for both of you and your relationship.

Love it WWW!! I'm bookmarking this thread

God he sounds a right tw*t

"Xenia - youre an intelligent woman."

Hearsay and speculation m'lud

Sobernow - your pal needs to see a good solicitor about divorce now but don't tell him what she's doing (obviously).

What a shocking situation.

God he sounds horrible. She needs a damn good solicitor. I had a friend whose h wanted to not put her name on the house deeds too. They rowed about it, he changed his mind.

God what a shame, how sad. And the stupid fker presumably hasn't made the connection between his shite attitude and lack of sex?