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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've never been this angry at DH before and I'm not sure what to do.

274 replies

KeepsAwayTheNargles · 12/02/2016 18:26

I'll try and keep this as un-rambly as possible... DH has a female friend who he has known for a very long time before he met me, yet who I have never met (together 3 years, married 2). I know they've had a flirty and close relationship but nothing physical ever (he wanted a long term relationship which she didn't). When I was pregnant with DS he asked me to check what a notification was on his phone and it was a text from her saying "thanks for the other day xx" and when I opened the message stream it turned out he'd been to see her on his way home from work (comes home at variable times so nothing looked suspect) for a bit over an hour and not told me/mentioned it, just acted like he'd come in from work. Needless to say I was unimpressed but he apologised and I let it go.

This evening DS was playing with his phone while he was out of the room, I noticed he'd managed to open the text screen so took it off him before he texted anyone gobbledegook and lo and behold, he's been texting her. The last message showing was from him - "I know, I'm being naughty, I'll stop lol x"

So I opened the thread and it was her whinging about her ex at which point he started with "if things had been different, missed your chance" stuff and she said that she thought "your wifey would be unimpressed if she knew you were talking like this" hence the last message from him.

I am fucking furious. I already had eroded trust due to the not telling me he'd been to see her, as normally if he drops in on a friend on the way home he tells me as part of the usual "how was your day" small talk, so it seems like a deliberate omission.

I only skim read the messages as DS was there climbing on me, and when DH came back into the room I gestured with the phone and said something sarcastic so he knew straight away.

We had a brief conversation in the kitchen during which he grovelled and apologised for "going too far while trying to comfort a friend" Hmm

Then during the bedtime process he said he had "deleted her completely off my phone now", apparently by way of apology but it seems to me more like clearing away evidence!

I am furious. I barely trust him now. We were supposed to be having a date night once DS was in bed and are actually going out on a date tomorrow (just dinner and a movie) but I don't want to now. I don't want to be anywhere near him. He thinks I'm massively overeating. Am I??

I don't know what to do from this point :(

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 13/02/2016 17:46

I don't think that they have actually had sex. I think she is just offering him the odd line to keep him hanging around because she can/is lonely and wants, but doesn't actually want him as a partner.

If she was a true friend she would of been introduced/at your wedding/at each others kids parties etc.

Flowers
mummytippy · 13/02/2016 18:12

Just wanted to say I hope you have a nice evening and your friend manages to be a good shoulder to you and also your mum tomorrow.

No-one can tell you what to do, only you can decide but it you must listen to your gut instinct of how you felt/feel and would you ever trust him again.

Right now, be kind to yourself and focus on your DS.
Your H however imo needs to reap what he sowed.
Someone earlier said to give him the silent treatment and I agree with that as any through any small talk he will continue to try and manipulate you.

Sending you best wishes and [hug] Flowers

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 13/02/2016 18:22

I don't think they've had sex (you've seen a string of communication between them and it's not suggested in the messages you've seen) and I don't think she wants a relationship with him (she turned him down once before).

However, she clearly enjoys the attention. She knows he fancied / fancies her and likes having a man 'want' her. But she's just playing him - I don't think she'd sleep with him but knows what to say to keep him dangling. I also suspect she is jealous of you. Not because you have the man she wants but because you have a man at all. The 'wifey' comment is driven by her jealousy.

So to him...he has treated you with abhorrent disrespect. He has made a play for another woman and kept meetings with her secret from you. But what does he really want? Would he really go to her if she would have him? Or is he serious about saving your relationship? What are his true feelings? Though even if he's serious about repairing your relationship the trust, respect and love for him may well not survive the betrayal anyway.

Have a proper talk with him. It's so easy for us to say run a mile but it's your life and you need to do what's right for you. Maybe something can be saved, if you want it to. Maybe he can change. I wish you all the best whatever you choose to do. Thanks

AnyFucker · 13/02/2016 18:31

For me, whether he has placed his dick in her vagina or not, the betrayal is the same.

No one who acts like this is worth having in my life.

fohamy12 · 13/02/2016 19:17

How you enjoy your night out with your friend if that's at all possible Flowers

goddessofsmallthings · 13/02/2016 22:58

It's what AF said.

To my mind the betrayal is worse than the deed as, whatever way you look at it, you'll never be able to trust him again.

What it comes down to is that he doesn't value your marriage because he doesn't value you, and any tears he sheds are those of self-pity rather than remorse.

The only decision you have to make is whether you can live with the uncertainty of knowing that his deceit - and his conceit - is such that he could leave you for an ow at any time and it's highly unlikely that you'd have a clue about his underhand activities until he pulled the rug from under you.

GNRmama · 14/02/2016 08:59

I hope you've had an ok time with your mum OP, thinking of you

wonkylampshade · 14/02/2016 09:14

What an arse - agree he's only whinging because he's been busted. This man has completely sold you and his DS down the river. Horrible discovery for you OP.

Original poster
KeepsAwayTheNargles · 14/02/2016 09:24

He's texted me this morning saying he hopes I had fun last night and that he misses and loves me. Ugh.

I'm still no closer to deciding what to do. I just want him to go away forever and somehow for me to not have to deal with it :(

OP posts:
Original poster
KeepsAwayTheNargles · 14/02/2016 09:41

If I could magically teleport me and DS to a place of our own and to just carry on our lives without him without any fallout of difficulty or trying to deal with his apologies then I would.

OP posts:
wonkylampshade · 14/02/2016 09:41

He hasn't given you a choice in having to deal with it sadly, I really feel for you. His messages are pathetic though, this is a guy who has kept himself amused by deceiving you for years by the sound of it. How fucking trite to come come back with "but I love you " after he's been caught out (again). He's a liar and a poor one at that.

He's worried about you taking control here because until now he's the only one in the relationship who's been in full possession of the facts.

In your shoes I would tell him to fuck right off. You and your DS will be ok - I've been there and the practicalities seem daunting to start with, but trust me - you'll be far happier, both of you, without a lying cheating arsehole you can't trust.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 14/02/2016 09:42

Have you told him to give you some space? Text embargo until you get in touch?

bakeoffcake · 14/02/2016 09:50

You sound as if you want to end things and if you could find about her house you would.

I'd put all my energy into finding that house. Even if it's not right next to your mum, could you move to a place not far from her?

Muddlewitch · 14/02/2016 09:54

I can remember that feeling, wishing I could fast forward to when the dust has settled. It does settle though op, agree with pp it does sound as though you would like be on your own. It's daunting but you can do it.

MoreGilmoreGirls · 14/02/2016 10:00

Sounds like you've decided to me OP. I've been there and unfortunately dealing with it is something you just have to get through but you can. You are stronger
than you think and someday you'll be out the other side. You can be happy again. Good luck

outdoorsy · 14/02/2016 10:09

Have you thought about what you want?
Do you want a relationship with him?
Have you asked him what he wants?
Does he want a relationship with you?

Perhaps it is time to stop screaming and start communicating?

Perhaps now is the time to get life clear in your head and start asking the right questions.

MoominPie22 · 14/02/2016 10:10

What do your mam and friend think of it all? Yeah try and concentrate on the practicalities as a priority, whilst ur there. If it were me, I'd be tellin I want him out of the house for when u rtn. U need space otherwise he's inclined to manipulate and influence your decision making.
U don't need his whining platitudes and crocodile tears when ur making big decisions for your future.
Has your mam said she'll b a guarenter (sp!) For u? Hopefully u can get somewhere nearer u if u hate where u live.
It's a shame u can't stay at your mams a bit longer.....

MoominPie22 · 14/02/2016 10:14

"Stop screaming"???Confused and I think it's perfectly clear wot that shit streak wants, Outdoorsy! To resume business as usual....having his cake and eating it. As if this was just a minor blip and an inconvenience to his day to day secret life!

Original poster
KeepsAwayTheNargles · 14/02/2016 10:19

There has been no screaming.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 14/02/2016 10:27

KeepAway, sounds like you still need more time apart, is that possible? Perhaps suggest a trial separation?

He has let you down badly here, you need time for it all to sink in before you can decide how you feel about him.

Don't let the nitty gritty of going it alone put you off doing that if that's what you decide.

HolgerDanske · 14/02/2016 10:29

Oh Lord, '^stop screaming '?!

I don't think that whether he wants a relationship with KeepsAway should factor much in her thought process. He obviously wants to have his cake and eat it too. That really isn't good enough.

Flowers for you, KeepsAway, I know this is a tough place to be in Sad

BabushkaNumber1 · 14/02/2016 10:34

It could be my own situation - many years ago. I found an email thread which my (then husband) had 'inadvertently' printed and left in the printer (did he want to get caught..?). Full of that 'wifey' sort of thing - from the woman - references to me that clearly showed they had been talking about me as a sort of 'barrier' to getting together for sleazy weekends. It was yucky - and the respect I had for him eroded from there. It was the infantile vocabularly as much as the horrible feeling that there was this 'life' outside our home that he wasn't sharing with me. 'A friend' he's known for ages and you haven't met her...?

I'm sorry to say this - but it's the thin end of the wedge. He's done it once, he'll do it again. You'll always feel suspicious now.

We tried talking about it, counselling - nothing changed the fact that basically this was him - this was his way of living life: a marriage that formed stability, and these stupid affairs (there was more than one..) couched in this sicky way of talking.
There are many men out there who are decent, fine, honest. Go find one of those. You deserve it.

Hissy · 14/02/2016 10:36

Nargles how are you feeling this morning? Did you get much/any rest at all?

I agree that you need to cease communications so you can think about what you want.

Could you stay at your mothers for a little while longer?

He just wants you to get over this so he can go on as if nothing happened. Except it did.

I would bank on there being more to what has happened than has come to light. His behaviour now is 100% on script.

Whatever that is is irrelevant tbh, if you find what has been done and said unacceptable, then that's enough.

Original poster
KeepsAwayTheNargles · 14/02/2016 10:40

Slept from about 1.30 to 8, had trouble getting to sleep as the bedroom was freezing but DM had DS all night so that helped. I don't feel very rested though. H is supposed to be picking us up circa 6.30 to take us home but I don't want to see him.

OP posts:
GNRmama · 14/02/2016 10:41

Any chance you can stay at your mums longer?