I've never been this angry at DH before and I'm not sure what to do.

[KeepsAwayTheNargles]

I'll try and keep this as un-rambly as possible... DH has a female friend who he has known for a very long time before he met me, yet who I have never met (together 3 years, married 2). I know they've had a flirty and close relationship but nothing physical ever (he wanted a long term relationship which she didn't). When I was pregnant with DS he asked me to check what a notification was on his phone and it was a text from her saying "thanks for the other day xx" and when I opened the message stream it turned out he'd been to see her on his way home from work (comes home at variable times so nothing looked suspect) for a bit over an hour and not told me/mentioned it, just acted like he'd come in from work. Needless to say I was unimpressed but he apologised and I let it go.

This evening DS was playing with his phone while he was out of the room, I noticed he'd managed to open the text screen so took it off him before he texted anyone gobbledegook and lo and behold, he's been texting her. The last message showing was from him - "I know, I'm being naughty, I'll stop lol x"

So I opened the thread and it was her whinging about her ex at which point he started with "if things had been different, missed your chance" stuff and she said that she thought "your wifey would be unimpressed if she knew you were talking like this" hence the last message from him.

I am fucking furious. I already had eroded trust due to the not telling me he'd been to see her, as normally if he drops in on a friend on the way home he tells me as part of the usual "how was your day" small talk, so it seems like a deliberate omission.

I only skim read the messages as DS was there climbing on me, and when DH came back into the room I gestured with the phone and said something sarcastic so he knew straight away.

We had a brief conversation in the kitchen during which he grovelled and apologised for "going too far while trying to comfort a friend"

Then during the bedtime process he said he had "deleted her completely off my phone now", apparently by way of apology but it seems to me more like clearing away evidence!

I am furious. I barely trust him now. We were supposed to be having a date night once DS was in bed and are actually going out on a date tomorrow (just dinner and a movie) but I don't want to now. I don't want to be anywhere near him. He thinks I'm massively overeating. Am I??

I don't know what to do from this point :(

Perhaps your date night could be him taking you round to meet this woman!

Sorry not helpful really..

Forgot to give I've been in a similar position, so just reading your post made my blood boil. you have to get it out in the open, don't let it fester in your head because you'll turn into a crazy woman trust me!!

You have a babysitter. Use it to go see your friend.

I've had similar in the past. DH has v close female friends but I didn't know they existed until well into our relationship. All bar one is really lovely. The non-lovely one had a history of fucking married men with young kids so I was not best pleased when he agreed she could stay rent free in his company flat in London (2bed - we are miles away) without asking me first and whilst I was pregnant with our first child. TBH if I hadn't been pregnant I would have walked, though no idea if it was hormones as he is lovely. She had a boyfriend at the time (without a wife or kids! ) and has subsequently married him but I still loathe her and wish her ill. I doubt anything happened but it affected our relationship because he didn't ask and to this day still doesnt get why I was so upset over it.

You know what. If she is a good one tell your mum. Spend the evening with her not him.

He can stay at home and get a taste of what life may be like having DS every other weekend if you cannot get over his.

This isn't your dirty secret to keep. It may shame him more that others know what he has done.

I'd be dumping his arse!

Having female friends is one thing, female friends your wife has never met? And who takes the piss out of wife/encourages husband to? No way!

Am I right in reading you married him within a year of meeting?

'You are the punchline in their jokes'

^This is it.

Re-read that sentence OP.

Wifey?!

You are being taken for a mug.

Oh what did help was I knew her so knew he wasn't her type, so ask to meet her. Tell him that to set your mind at rest he needs to contact her saying he wants you both to meet. That way you can judge what's been happening and if nothing has then he will have no problem meeting up. Will he? ??

It was the "lol x" that got me - a little private giggle together.

Arse.

You are not over reacting at all. the fact he's trying to make out that you are is very telling. How are you supposed to react? Sheepish doormat smile?

I'd be heading over to her house like a shot. Have it out with her and then look at his reaction when you come home and tell him where you have been.

The fact this is repeated behaviour - and you actually don't know how any others there have been - would mean a real loss of trust for me.

I don't think I could get over it. He has lied and been really disrespectful.

Sorry

I think I'd have to take a break from the relationship at this point. He can't be trusted.

I should add at the beginning of our relationship he did a similar thing which ended with him choosing to cut off all contact to try and appease me...

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering where the fuck he is after work and policing his phone/emails?

Pack a bag and go stay with your best friend for the weekend and tell him to sling his hook when you return.

Use of "wifey" by her sounds so mocking and condescending. I don't like that at all.

goddess if I didn't have DS that's exactly what I'd be doing without a backward glance. I don't know how to handle this with DS and with very little of my own income :( my family are an hour away and I can't afford to live there alone. His are 15 minutes away. This is utterly shit :(

I don't think he was 'comforting an upset friend' with those words, OP, he was testing the water to see how his friend would react. She has done nothing wrong that I can see - he on the other hand, what a louse. I'm not surprised that you're upset with him.

Id be ragging. He probably thinks it's nothing but lighthearted banter but it is very disrespectful to you. I suppose it's weighing up your relationship. If on the whole it's good, he's kind etc to a stupid error and if you can move on from it. Hugs to you. Id be gutted.

Just take your ds and go to your family. That should sharpen his mind.

Can you go and stay with your family?

Ask your Mum to have DS overnight, if poss and go and see your friend...or take DS with you. Just get away from him for a bit to clear your head. For the record, I think if he's like this now, it will only continue, with her or someone else. You've been with him three years and you've had reason to feel unease about trust twice already.

If you would leave him if you didn't have DS that is the best reason to go.

Staying because of DS is a mistake.

Find out what you would be entitled to to help you. It may make the difference actually knowing.

Good luck.

I can totally understand why you're so angry. He is treating you with contempt, and that's one of the most difficult emotions for any relationship to recover from.

If it were me, I think I'd be spending the evening with my mum and talking to her about what he'd done and options for moving forward, while husband did the parenting.

It's worth planning an escape strategy. You'll never be able to trust this one.