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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've never been this angry at DH before and I'm not sure what to do.

274 replies

KeepsAwayTheNargles · 12/02/2016 18:26

I'll try and keep this as un-rambly as possible... DH has a female friend who he has known for a very long time before he met me, yet who I have never met (together 3 years, married 2). I know they've had a flirty and close relationship but nothing physical ever (he wanted a long term relationship which she didn't). When I was pregnant with DS he asked me to check what a notification was on his phone and it was a text from her saying "thanks for the other day xx" and when I opened the message stream it turned out he'd been to see her on his way home from work (comes home at variable times so nothing looked suspect) for a bit over an hour and not told me/mentioned it, just acted like he'd come in from work. Needless to say I was unimpressed but he apologised and I let it go.

This evening DS was playing with his phone while he was out of the room, I noticed he'd managed to open the text screen so took it off him before he texted anyone gobbledegook and lo and behold, he's been texting her. The last message showing was from him - "I know, I'm being naughty, I'll stop lol x"

So I opened the thread and it was her whinging about her ex at which point he started with "if things had been different, missed your chance" stuff and she said that she thought "your wifey would be unimpressed if she knew you were talking like this" hence the last message from him.

I am fucking furious. I already had eroded trust due to the not telling me he'd been to see her, as normally if he drops in on a friend on the way home he tells me as part of the usual "how was your day" small talk, so it seems like a deliberate omission.

I only skim read the messages as DS was there climbing on me, and when DH came back into the room I gestured with the phone and said something sarcastic so he knew straight away.

We had a brief conversation in the kitchen during which he grovelled and apologised for "going too far while trying to comfort a friend" Hmm

Then during the bedtime process he said he had "deleted her completely off my phone now", apparently by way of apology but it seems to me more like clearing away evidence!

I am furious. I barely trust him now. We were supposed to be having a date night once DS was in bed and are actually going out on a date tomorrow (just dinner and a movie) but I don't want to now. I don't want to be anywhere near him. He thinks I'm massively overeating. Am I??

I don't know what to do from this point :(

OP posts:
IguanaTail · 13/02/2016 11:12

Oh well that's fair enough then. How's things going? Is he trying to make out everything's fine or is he still thrashing around with the Hoover?

Original poster
KeepsAwayTheNargles · 13/02/2016 11:28

He's gone of with FiL to run a tike consuming errand they were already doing this morning. I said to still go so that he's not here. DM is on her way to pick me and DS up so should hopefully be here soon.

I want to know all my options so I looked at EntitledTo and I can afford to move to my hometown if I find somewhere that will accept HB and a guarantor in lieu of a deposit. I feel a bit reassured knowing that that is an option. At the moment I'm trying not to think about the possibility of asking H to move out but it may happen over the next week. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it I think.

OP posts:
Mag314 · 13/02/2016 11:33

The "wifey" joke would make my blood boil. It's as though there's is the real love and you're the one he has to suffer to keep happy.

I would find it very very difficult to love the man who typed that / or laughed at it/encouraged it.

Aramynta · 13/02/2016 11:37

OP, I am going to give you this piece of advice because it works so well in these circumstances.

Silence, is literally golden. Tell your DH that until he tells you everything of his relationship with this woman you aren't going to discuss it. Then, say nothing to your DP, not even small talk, unless it involves your children.

You will be amazed at the truths that come out when you disengage with him.

Mag314 · 13/02/2016 11:59

The details about the girl at the festival, the one who was out of his league (and I do believe in leagues), it sounds like there's a part of him that hasn't accepted that he isn't entitled to a beautiful woman. He has you, what was a good marriage, a son, and yet he's still chasing around after women who are out of his league. And because they don't want him (that much) he can defend himself saying ''it was just texts'' your honour. So, the whether they had sex or not wouldn't be something I'd dig to get to the bottom of. WHat I'd want to get to the bottom of would be does he (in his delusion) think he ought to have done 'better' than you??? Shock If that is what he thinks, then go to your mum's, start again, save as much as you can of your £500 and you will be able to get back on your feet again.

Different type of crappy behaviour but I gave my x chance after chance and I do regret that. I would have been back on my feet years earier if I hadn't kept giving him chances.

Original poster
KeepsAwayTheNargles · 13/02/2016 14:20

At DMs now. He just called me crying his eyes out and full of apologies etc. I stayed quite cold and just kept saying we'll just have to see how it goes. I've said not to contact me now until tomorrow about picking us up.

OP posts:
Original poster
KeepsAwayTheNargles · 13/02/2016 14:21

OW actually looks a lot like me and I wouldn't say was out of his league actually, the festival woman was a blonde model type really.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 13/02/2016 14:56

Even if you ultimately decide to continue the relationship, a shock and period of uncertainty about you could help him realise what he's done and risked.

I would give him one chance for full disclosure of any infidelty (inappropriate "friendship" as well as physical) with this or other OW, and ask why he felt it was OK to behave like this, for years. I would then ask him to leave whilst considering my options, and then do a LOT of digging for information.

He might not agree to you taking DC to your hometown.

blindsider · 13/02/2016 15:05

He might not agree to you taking DC to your hometown

If OP is primary career, he won't have any choice in the matter however much he dislikes it.

Original poster
KeepsAwayTheNargles · 13/02/2016 15:12

He would let me. Its only an hour and he drives a lot so that's nothing to him.

Still no idea what I want. Whether I want to try and make it work or not. I'm hoping I'll work it out in time but no idea how long it'll take for me to get my head around this and come to a decision :(

OP posts:
MoominPie22 · 13/02/2016 15:13

I would also be wanting to confront this OW too. Why should she get off scott free? She's got to accept sm responsibility in this too cos, even if she hasn't slept with him ( and would u believe either of them if they denied that happened anyway? ) she's bn overtly flirting, encouraging and stringing your OH along, all the while knowin he's married with a baby! I mean, who even does that??Hmm oh yeah, a homewrecker and a nasty slag would!
Obv this isn't your immediate concern but I'd b wanting to see her face to face. No, scratch that....I'd b demanding that he bloody well took me to see her!Angry
Incidentally OP, wot excuses has he gave u in the past as to why u have never met her? Surely after these yrs people would expect to have met their partner's friends.
Just curious as to why that hasn't happened and why u even stood for it tbh? If I knew my husband was reg seeing a female friend but I'd not even bn introduced, I'd b wondering why all the secrecy...
Big red flag don't u think, in hindsight??

Original poster
KeepsAwayTheNargles · 13/02/2016 15:29

Moomin I didn't know he was regularly texting her let alone seeing her at all Hmm I thought he hadn't spoken to her in all that time since he never mentions her!

At the start of our relationship she held off meeting me and since I thought they weren't really in contact I didn't think anything more of it.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 13/02/2016 15:42

He's crying because he's panicking, not because he's sorry...

IguanaTail · 13/02/2016 16:05

The OW is not the home wrecker, her husband is. He's the one who has a commitment.

Duckdeamon · 13/02/2016 16:07

Such a lot of lies over such a long time. V bad.

magoria · 13/02/2016 16:09

The more you say have you considered a STI test?

Original poster
KeepsAwayTheNargles · 13/02/2016 16:12

In this period of time we've always used condoms but I honestly don't think they've had sex as the messages would've made that clear. Its all that they wish they could, not that they have if that makes sense.

OP posts:
magoria · 13/02/2016 16:20

They have a flirty and close relationship. You have never met her so she didn't even come to her close friends wedding? You didn't know they were regularly meeting and chatting.

You don't actually know anything about what he has been up to with her and you can't really trust him to tell the truth right now. Sad

Condoms don't protect from everything and you do have DS.

Millliii · 13/02/2016 16:24

"best not send a picture as it will leave me wanting more"

Well that puts a different slant on things. It sounds like it is sexual. It usually is.

Original poster
KeepsAwayTheNargles · 13/02/2016 16:51

Please don't all start piling in to tell me its worse than it already is because I'm really not in the mood right now. I'm exhausted and trying not to overthink and give my brain a break this evening. I'm stressed out enough trying to handle what I know without adding in speculation at this point.

OP posts:
Millliii · 13/02/2016 16:54

Sorry Keeps. Just that you posted that that was one of the texts between them!

Just let your Mum fuss over you and enjoy an evening out with your friend.

PregnantAndEngaged · 13/02/2016 17:04

I'm so sorry you are going through this. If my partner did this, I would feel absolutely totally betrayed. It is a lack of respect for your marriage and the fact that you are the mother of his child. You should be his number 1 and here it seems that sadly you're his second best. I wouldn't be surprised if he's had her a few times given that they keep meeting up and that she's getting off on it knowing she's his bit on the side and it's inflating her ego.

I would get your mum to look after the kids for a few hours while you have it out with him; tell him you've read his messages, you're not overreacting and you're sick of his shit and to fuck off and pack his bags.

Once again I am so sorry, you must be really hurting. I don't know you but I can feel your pain and would give you a real hug if I could, but as I can't, have a virtual one xx

PregnantAndEngaged · 13/02/2016 17:06

The fact that he never mentions her but does message her frequently is also a massive warning sign. Why would he be hiding this from you or omitting to tell you about it if it was all innocent conversation?

RomiiRoo · 13/02/2016 17:10

I haven't read whole thread, but there is a verse by Tilopa which is basically let go of what is happening, let go of the past and future, let go, relax and rest.
You can only deal with what you need now, so rest. You are in a safe place and nothing will be resolved overnight. Look after yourself

magoria · 13/02/2016 17:22

Also sorry keeps. Try and relax.