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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've never been this angry at DH before and I'm not sure what to do.

274 replies

KeepsAwayTheNargles · 12/02/2016 18:26

I'll try and keep this as un-rambly as possible... DH has a female friend who he has known for a very long time before he met me, yet who I have never met (together 3 years, married 2). I know they've had a flirty and close relationship but nothing physical ever (he wanted a long term relationship which she didn't). When I was pregnant with DS he asked me to check what a notification was on his phone and it was a text from her saying "thanks for the other day xx" and when I opened the message stream it turned out he'd been to see her on his way home from work (comes home at variable times so nothing looked suspect) for a bit over an hour and not told me/mentioned it, just acted like he'd come in from work. Needless to say I was unimpressed but he apologised and I let it go.

This evening DS was playing with his phone while he was out of the room, I noticed he'd managed to open the text screen so took it off him before he texted anyone gobbledegook and lo and behold, he's been texting her. The last message showing was from him - "I know, I'm being naughty, I'll stop lol x"

So I opened the thread and it was her whinging about her ex at which point he started with "if things had been different, missed your chance" stuff and she said that she thought "your wifey would be unimpressed if she knew you were talking like this" hence the last message from him.

I am fucking furious. I already had eroded trust due to the not telling me he'd been to see her, as normally if he drops in on a friend on the way home he tells me as part of the usual "how was your day" small talk, so it seems like a deliberate omission.

I only skim read the messages as DS was there climbing on me, and when DH came back into the room I gestured with the phone and said something sarcastic so he knew straight away.

We had a brief conversation in the kitchen during which he grovelled and apologised for "going too far while trying to comfort a friend" Hmm

Then during the bedtime process he said he had "deleted her completely off my phone now", apparently by way of apology but it seems to me more like clearing away evidence!

I am furious. I barely trust him now. We were supposed to be having a date night once DS was in bed and are actually going out on a date tomorrow (just dinner and a movie) but I don't want to now. I don't want to be anywhere near him. He thinks I'm massively overeating. Am I??

I don't know what to do from this point :(

OP posts:
bakeoffcake · 13/02/2016 08:37

No wonder you're exhausted, you've had a lot to put up with since last night. Don't think you are alone here, you're seeing your mum and friend today, you'll be able to talk everything over with them including the housing situation. They might be able to help you look, or have other suggestions?

You'll work something out, but it might take a bit of time. For now, you could ask H to leave, at least then you won't have him around you, that must be so stressful for you.Sad

Joysmum · 13/02/2016 08:37

I have my own income but it isn't much (~£500 per month but it varies, self employed), certainly not enough to rent alone as nowhere here accepts HB

Look on Gumtree for landlords not going through agencies.

Many would accept you if you had guarantors and could pay either a larger deposit or a few months rent in advance so it's worth thinking about.

Original poster
KeepsAwayTheNargles · 13/02/2016 08:43

Actually DM just got a pay rise so does now earn enough to be a guarantor and she would be. Its all just too much to think about at the moment.

OP posts:
toastyarmadillo · 13/02/2016 08:52

Hugs, sorry your having such a shit time. Your doing so well, stay strong, you deserve better than your wank badger husband!

ohforfoxsake · 13/02/2016 08:55

OP give yourself time. It's all a process - it's a bit like grieving to be honest and the different emotions come and go. Go with them and let them happen. If you feel like crying under a duvet then do that. If you want to scream at the top of your lungs, do it.

Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker. And only he can decide if he is sorry enough to move heaven and earth.

MoominPie22 · 13/02/2016 09:02

I hope u feel better for havin time away at your mams and that your family and friends can also help with the practicalities. I realise you've got a helluva lot on your plate and trying to think about everythin is a total Head Fuck.Sad
But I reckon things will b clearer once you've had time with your family. I would def want him out of the house tho, on your rtn. The more time u have around him the more chance he has of wangling his way bk in and influencing your thoughts and decisions with his BS and whining. He'll just have a mass Sucking up to u onslaught now I think. He'll try and manipulate u and wheedle his way bk into your good books! Disgusting, lying, sneaky shit!Angry
Hope u get something sorted and come bk with a plan after your break.FlowersWine Stay strong and utilize your family's help to the max. U nd all the support u can get right now.
Ur doin great. Baby stepsSmile

blindsider · 13/02/2016 09:06

I an not sure why you guys are so down on this woman, there is no evidence that she is being anything other than a friend, it is OP's DH who is doing the wistful what might have been shite. She has told him that wifey would not be impressed to know he was talking like that, he has then apologised. That reads like a put down to me unless in girl speak that means something else entirely??

MoominPie22 · 13/02/2016 09:11

Ohforfoxsake; of course he's gonna come across as sorry as hell! He's gonna lay it on thich with the tears and the begging. It's tactics to keep OP where he wants her. If he portrays himself as sorry it certainly doesn't mean for 1sec he's genuine. That's just my opinion based on the fact he's got form and done this before.
He only got found out cos her son was playing with his phone FFS, he'd still b doin it now if OP hadn't rumbled him!
Once a cheating liar always a cheating liar. He clearly doesn't deserve the OP, he deserves to shack up with someone of his own ilk. Another devious piece of shit with zero respect for others, not a trusting and loving partner.
I should think him and the OW are well suited.

Original poster
KeepsAwayTheNargles · 13/02/2016 09:14

blindsider there was other stuff from her, "best not send a picture as it will leave me wanting more" etc, she's definitely encouraged it up to a point (she's lonely) but she's not the one who's married so I couldn't care less tbh.

OP posts:
Hissy · 13/02/2016 09:20

Thinking of you today lovely! Stay strong/calm and just do the best you can. Today is going to be tough, but you will get through it.

Hissy · 13/02/2016 09:23

blindsider wifey. That honestly says it all.

Anyone who had a modicum of respect for themselves, for marriage generally would say "your wife"

Every. Single. Day.

Nargles does not deserve that level of contempt. For a woman to show this level of resentment speaks, no screams, volumes.

Original poster
KeepsAwayTheNargles · 13/02/2016 09:28

I would say its pretty obvious that she's jealous of me because she wishes she'd gone for him years ago. If it wasn't for DS then I'd wish she had too.

OP posts:
Member251061 · 13/02/2016 09:28

Maybe he has deleted her details.

Perhaps a few sessions at marriage guidance on you date nights would help? I think if you have a son together then your marriage is worth fighting for.

I'm not condoning what he has done by any stretch of the imagination. He needs to assure you that he is not going to have any contact with her at all and build up the trust with you again. You may have a long road ahead of you and I wish you all the very best of luck.

Stay strong and do what is right for you.

Iamdobby63 · 13/02/2016 09:30

Blindsider, behind every cheating man is a willing woman. But yes the buck does stop with the one who made the commitment. The disrespectful and belittling reference to 'wifey' riled many of us up.

Keepsawaythenargles, it's so upsetting when you realise the person you thought you knew was not how they actually are, deep, deep disappointment. Not only has he let you down but he has also let down your son. It's good to consider all options but take care, you have a lot mulling around in your head.

After the weekend can he move out for awhile? Put it to him as a trial separation perhaps?

blindsider · 13/02/2016 09:32

Keeps away

That puts a completely different light on it :-(

In which case I agree with all the others there is more going on than he is telling you and he will only be admitting what you can actually prove. What a complete numpty, why do people let their ego's destroy a happy family life.

Do exactly what is right for you, his feelings wishes, hopes are utterly immaterial ATM.

Good luck

MrsFrisbyMouse · 13/02/2016 09:35

Some people find it hard to switch from being in 'find a partner mode' to 'i'm in a committed relationship' mode. They seek reassurance from others that they are sexually attractive. (in other words they don't really grow up!) It's mostly about massaging their own ego - and that they have still 'got it'.

If this is the case with your DH, then he needs to come to that realisation himself and recognise that behaviour that was appropriate when he was free and single is not appropriate in a relationship. But it is a lesson that may come at a harsh price for him if you choose to leave him.

Do what you need to get the space you need. Then you might need a relationship counsellor to talk this through. But I wouldn't continue a relationship with him until I was certain (as I could be) he understood the seriousness of this and understood how damaging his actions are/were.

blindsider · 13/02/2016 09:37

iamdobby

Fair enough with the other stuff it does sound incriminating, but wifey doesn't seem bad to me lots of people I know refer to wifey or wifflet etc. I see it as a term of affection, but maybe I am a dinosaur. :-(

MoominPie22 · 13/02/2016 09:44

Whe it´s the OW saying ¨wifey¨, in that context it is nothing but a disparaging remark. A put down. Hardly affectionate! If it´s what a loving and faithful man sometimes refers to his wife as in a light-hearted fashion that´s different.

Clearly the OW saying this is meant as a dig, so it´s a negative insult imo.

blindsider · 13/02/2016 09:51

Moomin

Sadly in the light of the other revelations I think you are right.

I also think it is beyond strange that this friend from years back he knows well enough (and lives close enough) to drop in on has never met his wife MASSIVE ALARM BELLS.

Iamdobby63 · 13/02/2016 09:51

^^ Yes, context is everything.

Iamdobby63 · 13/02/2016 09:58

@blindsider, absolutely! Completely inappropriate, even if nothing has physically happened between them, it's a relationship that has continued behind the OP's back and the content of the chat that the OP has seen is not one a married man should be having.

MoominPie22 · 13/02/2016 10:09

blindsider Exactly! He has deliberately kept the 2 women in his life seperate for a reason. It´s all pre-meditated. The guy has an agenda. He can pretend he´s a single guy again with his OW, so he enjoys the excitement and thrills of that side of his life, then he has his cosy, respectable and secure family life at home. Why muddy the waters by having the 2 present together ever?

Because he´s literally living a double life. When one ¨life¨ is switched on ( as it were ), the other is ¨switched off¨. They are always kept entirely seperate so the man can just step into a role, so to speak.

But isn´t that how the majority of affairs are conducted? The wife and OW usually are kept seperate. So this ¨friend¨ was never platonic at all was she?? And the fact he works irregular hours......well, how very fortunate for him and the OW! He´s literally been living the life of Reilly! And it´s been goin on for years............

He´s hardly suddenly gonna discover he has a conscience with a bit of counselling imo Hmm If he´s seen fit to have no guilt being a sneaky fucker thus far, that´s hardly gonna change just cos he´s been outed.

Just my opinion on things anyways......

blindsider · 13/02/2016 10:36

Moomin

Completely agree, Leopard spots etc....

IguanaTail · 13/02/2016 11:02

Why can't you ask him to go rather than stressing about moving out yourself. You haven't done anything wrong.

Original poster
KeepsAwayTheNargles · 13/02/2016 11:07

IguanaTail its a separate issue but I hate where I live. Its awful, the neighbours are terrible, and we were planning on moving as soon as possible anyway. I would have no desire to stay here.

OP posts: